An Epiphany

[mocachapeau]

Mocachapeau: I think that you are acting great in your relationship with your son and his problems. I have always tried to believed that being raised in a narcissistic environment was a sort of opportunity to see the bad things we could do to the people we love. Knowing what is wrong makes you act in a positive and conscious way towards others.

It certainly is an opportunity to see the bad things we can do, but I'm utterly amazed at how easy it is to start repeating them ourselves when we have kids of our own. But I guess that's possible because "we know our parents love us" therefore we accepted the feelings of pain their behaviour created in us as being normal. Then, we justify it when we start doing it ourselves by saying that this is how we were brought up and "look how well adjusted I am". One day I had to admit that I wasn't so well adjusted after all. I had to put my ego in check before I could see that.

God, I hope I can get this even close to "right".

 

[truth seeker]

Mocachapeau: I think that you are acting great in your relationship with your son and his problems. I have always tried to believed that being raised in a narcissistic environment was a sort of opportunity to see the bad things we could do to the people we love. Knowing what is wrong makes you act in a positive and conscious way towards others.

It certainly is an opportunity to see the bad things we can do, but I'm utterly amazed at how easy it is to start repeating them ourselves when we have kids of our own. But I guess that's possible because "we know our parents love us" therefore we accepted the feelings of pain their behaviour created in us as being normal. Then, we justify it when we start doing it ourselves by saying that this is how we were brought up and "look how well adjusted I am". One day I had to admit that I wasn't so well adjusted after all. I had to put my ego in check before I could see that.

God, I hope I can get this even close to "right".

Fwiw mocachapeau, I think it's great that you would at least consider what was said. There's a lot to be said for that. The fact that you are willing to look at this puts you ahead of the game. :)

 

[Nienna]

Mocachapeau: I think that you are acting great in your relationship with your son and his problems. I have always tried to believed that being raised in a narcissistic environment was a sort of opportunity to see the bad things we could do to the people we love. Knowing what is wrong makes you act in a positive and conscious way towards others.

It certainly is an opportunity to see the bad things we can do, but I'm utterly amazed at how easy it is to start repeating them ourselves when we have kids of our own. But I guess that's possible because "we know our parents love us" therefore we accepted the feelings of pain their behaviour created in us as being normal. Then, we justify it when we start doing it ourselves by saying that this is how we were brought up and "look how well adjusted I am". One day I had to admit that I wasn't so well adjusted after all. I had to put my ego in check before I could see that.

God, I hope I can get this even close to "right".

Fwiw mocachapeau, I think it's great that you would at least consider what was said. There's a lot to be said for that. The fact that you are willing to look at this puts you ahead of the game. :)

I agree. I've been following this thread and I am so happy for you and your son that you are trying to break the ways of your parents and actually keeping your focus on doing what's right for your son and not what you want for yourself.

Great job, mocachapeau !

 

[mocachapeau]

My son wrote his exam yesterday. He said it wasn't easy, but he thinks he knew what to do with each question. I was happy to hear that because usually he thinks he aced it and then gets a nasty surprise afterward. I told him that a final exam is not supposed to be easy even if you're prepared - it's supposed to make you think. Finding it too easy is often a sign of lack of preparation.

Keeping this discussion in mind, I told him that whatever mark he gets he should be proud of himself because of the effort he made. And that I'm proud of him too, and I love him, no matter what the result.

Tonight, he went to soccer practice and visibly ran his butt off, worked hard all the way through the drills that he usually whines about - go figure.

I know it's too soon to say whether he's developing a change in attitude, but I do see that my immediate change in attitude had an immediate effect. And if I understand this correctly, all I really have to do is keep my mouth shut and let him know that I love him! So what should be so bloody hard about that? And to do this consistently I just have to remember myself consistently.

I can DO this.

 

[Iron]

And you gain, by expressing your love in a more pure form and by gaining a daily source of inspiration to remember yourself
And he gains to learn the necessity of effort, and perhaps even learning how to balance work and fun at a early age!

Congratulations, my friend, congratulations!
Regardless of outcome, I think it was a very positive step in your relation with your son!

Again, congratulations!

edit: This thread was also helpful to understand more about my own wounding issues, so thanks again.

 

[eliansito]

you did great in keeping the communication open by telling him your inner concerns, by doing that he might develope his ability to bring up to light his own possible programs by his own. Perhaps including the teacher in the meeting next time (explaining to him is an issue) would be a good idea provided the teacher is capable of some objectiveness.

I have learnt a lot from the thread too and I agree that keeping ones mouth shut is difficult but many times desirable, it is amazing how we try to tip the balance openly and in a covert way when we should leave our kids alone and just be there for them.

Congratulations!

R

 

[Mixtli]

I have been thinking about my soon-to-arrive little boy. I worry about what I will teach him. How I will be as a father. I have tried to meditate and do the EE program as a kind of gift to me and him. I want to be conscious about my behavior with him. I just do not want to mess up my relationship with him. this thread opened my eyes as how one can really act with out much reflection but also that everything could be fixed if we take a deep look at our actions and our way of interacting with our loved ones. :)

 

[mocachapeau]

I just thought I'd give you all a little update.

My son passed his year and was kept in his soccer program for next year. He wrote a 76% on his math exam, didn't get the 75% overall in math he needed, but they kept him anyway. I think that was a wise choice considering it was his first year in high school. That year is usually one of adjustment and adaptation. I think his 92% in soccer kind of helped, as well. :D

I have no way of knowing how much he learned from the situation, or how much of it is going to stick, but that is for next year. And when the time comes I will be better prepared to deal with the situation. I must say though, his work ethic for his club team seems to have taken a slight turn for the better, so maybe something is already sticking?

And for my part, I am reminding myself regularly of what I learned from this, so that that knowledge will stick, too.

 

[truth seeker]

Congrats to you and your son mocachapeau! :D

I have no way of knowing how much he learned from the situation, or how much of it is going to stick, but that is for next year. And when the time comes I will be better prepared to deal with the situation. I must say though, his work ethic for his club team seems to have taken a slight turn for the better, so maybe something is already sticking?

Perhaps he feels the pressure taken off from your hanging back in conjunction with knowing he has your full support? It's difficult to know when to step in and when to step back. There will be mistakes made and that's okay. It's okay to say to your son "I'm sorry if I made you feel that I wasn't allowing you to be yourself." or "I made a mistake." If my mother had ever said anything along those lines to me at any point in my life, our relationship would have been vastly different.

Don't focus too much on the grade. If he's aware of the conditions surrounding how he received it, that's probably good enough for now. As you said, it still remains to be seen what changes he has made. As you both keep practicing as you have over the summer, I think he will enter the new school year in a different frame of mind and perhaps begin to develop some goals for himself based on what he wants to achieve.