An experience with sociopathic "friend"

[Windmill knight]

Hi. Here

 

[anart]

So there it is. Another lesson. It's shocking when you see it
happening in front of your eyes.

Yes, it really can be shocking to witness first hand, but it is an invaluable lesson - and one you should remind yourself of whenever she approaches again ( which she probably will ). Since she is incapable of empathy, she is also incapable of really understanding just how bad what she has done is - so she very well may show up in a few weeks or a month, expecting you to feel that 'everything is alright now'. Hold this lesson as the definition of who she is, and you will be able to avoid going through this again with her - otherwise, she'll likely find a way to slither back into your lives.
Of course, as you mentioned, she may 'try to get even' - but this will probably depend on two things -
1. The tone you used to get her to leave - whether it hurt her pride/feelings/sense of entitlement to do what she wants and be who she is, despite the damage to others and ...
2. Whether she thinks she still might be able to 'feed off of you' in the future. If she thinks that is still a possiblity, after the dust settles, she won't try to get even - she'll just wait and try to feed again.

At least, this has been my experience with these types. Either way - at least you both finally saw her clearly and are much more protected now because of it.

 

[Windmill knight]

Yeah, you're right. Well we were very kind to her when explaining that she should leave, and I'm sure that right now she's betting on winning my wife back by playing the victim or something (she might succeed to some extent, I'm afraid, cause my wife is sad for losing her friend, and regrets that all of this happened, etc.)

According to "In Sheep's Clothing", one should try to put things in such a way that the covert-aggressives think they are the ones who are winning out of a split, cause the intolerable thing for them would be to feel 'losers'. So I have asked my wife to remind L of all the things she actually got from us, both straight and maybe not so straight (like borrowing money and 'forgetting' to pay it back, and perhaps even stealing from us, which is quite likely), and to openly state that in the final balance she is pretty much the 'winner' in here. Of course she will reply that she is not competing cause she loves us and blah blah, but hopefully the message will get accross, she will go with a smile and not think of taking some sort of revenge. Maybe adding that IF she does, we'll take more serious measures (i.e. police) might also help.

Thanks a lot for your thoughts, anart.

 

[Peam]

apeguia wrote:
"So she is out of the house now. I have given the wallet back to the
owner with some silly story about finding it on the street."

It might be fruitful to think about why you felt you had to lie to the owner instead of telling the truth and warning all involved about L's talents.

It may be speculation on my part but if L turns up 'next week' on any of their doorsteps saying "hi, I'm M's friend from the party"..... if you've informed them of the true situation they'll at least have the knowledge to keep an eye on their stuff.

 

[Ruth]

Yes, I agree with Peam here, keeping a secret about a sociopath/predator only gives them more opportunities to treat anyone they come into contact with as a potential 'taget' for exploitation.

I'm sure that if this individual has been 'getting into trouble' a lot in the past, then she has also had the opportunity to meet they types of people who are not very nice and should be avoided.

I think you'd be doing everyone a favour if you warned as many people as possible about this person, even if it is embarrasing. It is a case of 'knowledge protecting'. You may want to make it official although I'm not sure what your attitude would be about going to the police. It may protect some people if it was official. This women may already have a police record, too.

I tend to expect the worse from people like this and they only get worse.

 

[Lucy]

It might be fruitful to think about why you felt you had to lie to the owner instead of telling the truth and warning all involved about L's talents.

It may be speculation on my part but if L turns up 'next week' on any of their doorsteps saying "hi, I'm M's friend from the party"..... if you've informed them of the true situation they'll at least have the knowledge to keep an eye on their stuff.

I agree.

Regardless of whether or not you decide to tell others about the stealing, and the true nature of this person, it's a good idea to be very honest with yourselves about why you chose to cover for her. Until you understand your own motivations and actions, and come to terms with them, this person, or others like her, will be able to 'use' this 'aspect of you' to scam you again. You may think this can't happen, but it can.

Also, if L were to "turn up on another's doorstep" and scam them, they may come to you asking why you didn't warn them. What will you say? And-- what if the situation were reversed...how would you feel if you hadn't been warned?

My own experiences have taught me it was only after I stopped covering for the pschopaths in my life, and stopped keeping their secrets, that I was able to protect myself from them.

About M-- She needs to understand, and keep in mind, that our lessons only get worse...harder and more painful...until we finally learn them. This is something she can remind herself when she is tempted to participate in L's games again.

 

[Windmill knight]

Hi guys. Thanks for your thoughts.

Our thinking when covering L was that since she had until that moment been a 'friend' (and she still is in my wife's mind, unfortunately), we wanted to distance ourselves from her but not get her into more trouble. Perhaps that idea of 'not wanting to cause more trouble' is just a program of ours, and I promise I will think about it.

Still, it would have been very delicate and difficult to tell others what she did, mainly because as I said, sadly my wife still loves her friend and is having a lot of trouble accepting what she did. Also, we did actually consider the risk she represents to others (and took a few steps about that); but since she is just visiting this city and will be gone in a couple of months, and she doesn't really have any solid relationship with any of the people we know, she is not in a position of doing harm to any of them. Unless she decides to do something really stupid, but that would put things on a different level.

I do know that M needs to see the situation fully objectively (and perhaps so do I). I am trying to help her with that. That's my main concern at the moment.

Thanks again.

 

[Gillian]

These days I don't spend time with people who exercise their ability to hurt other people - the excuse that "I'd never do it to friends" doesn't work for me. For one I don't wish to encourage or promote that kind of thing and secondly I believe it's just a matter of time before they turn on me.