Eva
Jedi
Sunday night I woke up for what seemed like a minute or two before going back to sleep. This isn't something that normally happens to me, when I fall asleep I wake up in the morning without interruptions.
When I woke up, I opened my eyes completely and felt totally awake. I looked around in the room and saw it as if from different eyes. I knew this was my house but it's as if I saw it for the first time. I nodded, thinking 'aha, yes, this is the place I chose'. I can't possibly describe the feeling at the time. I felt strong and knowledgeable in a way I never feel normally, and I thought - a very distinct thought , almost resounding in my head- the following :
'be grateful for suffering, it exists to wake you up'
When I woke up in the morning, I noted the incident, thought that it could refer to the way I look upon my past but couldn't figure out why I woke up and most importantly, the strange feeling of being so powerful and (for once) free of doubts so I tucked it away. The day went by and I cought myself acting in a very different manner than my typical in a number of situations.
In general, I was being a lot more firm than usual. I even raised my voice to a security guard, who proceeded to understand me perfectly in a matter of seconds.
Yet, I was calm throughout the day, it's as if I played the part I was expected to play, I raised my voice because this is how people communicate sometimes and I could do it without feeling one hint of anger. Inside I was smiling at the guy but externally I acted as I have never acted before, and it worked...
This is totally new for me. I will usually just shut up and leave without ever trying to push things even when I know that I'm losing time/opportunities that could be to my advantage.
Later in the afternoon, I tried to log in a site I recently registered for (a vitamins-supplements site) and my account didn't work. I always write down my password/email combination for new sites I register so I looked it up, and it just wasn't working. When I asked the site for a password recovery, they sent me back info that didn't match what I had written down!! Now this is something that has never happened to me before so it gave me pause.
In the evening I had a pretty horrible bout of backpain, to the point that I couldn't stand/sit or lie down. I was just drifting in a sea of pain. I did EE and round breathing which helped a lot because I fell asleep soon after POTS.
I'm trying to follow a new way of looking at things lately, a way of noting everything without becoming part of it or giving it extra meaning. I added this day in the shelf of 'strange days'. I could see positive explanations but also negative ones. I could see this as a positive shift in consciousness ie. learning to put boundaries and act in an effective way, but also, I could see it as the beginning of losing the ability to put myself aside in favour of the well-being and peace of mind of others.
I suspect this may have to do with my be-nice program which I've been trying to recognise and overcome. At the same time I feel I'm treading on thin ice concerning my subjective views and explanations of incidents so I thought I'd share it with an objective audience.
When I woke up, I opened my eyes completely and felt totally awake. I looked around in the room and saw it as if from different eyes. I knew this was my house but it's as if I saw it for the first time. I nodded, thinking 'aha, yes, this is the place I chose'. I can't possibly describe the feeling at the time. I felt strong and knowledgeable in a way I never feel normally, and I thought - a very distinct thought , almost resounding in my head- the following :
'be grateful for suffering, it exists to wake you up'
When I woke up in the morning, I noted the incident, thought that it could refer to the way I look upon my past but couldn't figure out why I woke up and most importantly, the strange feeling of being so powerful and (for once) free of doubts so I tucked it away. The day went by and I cought myself acting in a very different manner than my typical in a number of situations.
In general, I was being a lot more firm than usual. I even raised my voice to a security guard, who proceeded to understand me perfectly in a matter of seconds.
Yet, I was calm throughout the day, it's as if I played the part I was expected to play, I raised my voice because this is how people communicate sometimes and I could do it without feeling one hint of anger. Inside I was smiling at the guy but externally I acted as I have never acted before, and it worked...
This is totally new for me. I will usually just shut up and leave without ever trying to push things even when I know that I'm losing time/opportunities that could be to my advantage.
Later in the afternoon, I tried to log in a site I recently registered for (a vitamins-supplements site) and my account didn't work. I always write down my password/email combination for new sites I register so I looked it up, and it just wasn't working. When I asked the site for a password recovery, they sent me back info that didn't match what I had written down!! Now this is something that has never happened to me before so it gave me pause.
In the evening I had a pretty horrible bout of backpain, to the point that I couldn't stand/sit or lie down. I was just drifting in a sea of pain. I did EE and round breathing which helped a lot because I fell asleep soon after POTS.
I'm trying to follow a new way of looking at things lately, a way of noting everything without becoming part of it or giving it extra meaning. I added this day in the shelf of 'strange days'. I could see positive explanations but also negative ones. I could see this as a positive shift in consciousness ie. learning to put boundaries and act in an effective way, but also, I could see it as the beginning of losing the ability to put myself aside in favour of the well-being and peace of mind of others.
I suspect this may have to do with my be-nice program which I've been trying to recognise and overcome. At the same time I feel I'm treading on thin ice concerning my subjective views and explanations of incidents so I thought I'd share it with an objective audience.