Awakening Anyone?

[Nell-Li]

Hi All,

In light of what is happening around the world/cosmos, like a veil is slowly being lifted, are your personal life's having the same effect?

For me personally, I have been feeling like a cascading effect is taking place within me, the Truth seems to be getting through. I know I m misquoting Laura Knight-Jadczyk (feels funny using someones full name) here, but in her adventure series she recounts her own experience of awakening/initiation process. She goes on to explain how the search for Truth became a domino effect in her whole spectrum life, her seemingly endless energy was coming from this drive. I m not saying I m going through anything super profound, but for me personally it is a HUGE step forward from the darkness and depression that has lasted infinitum.

I explain to myself that this is happening because of all the work I have been doing on myself all this time. And I have, always trying to not let the ego/STS side of myself control me. But all at the same time it is as if all things in the cosmos is coming together like it is suppose to.

It is truly like seeing a ray of light of hope at some end of tunnel quote.

What do you all think?

 

[HiThere]

I too have moments relatively often when I feel reassurance concerning the state of this world. It is sorely needed inbetween the news of greed and aggression, the earth changes and the general mayhem and chaos that is our world. :)

 

[Ca.]

Hi All,

In light of what is happening around the world/cosmos, like a veil is slowly being lifted, are your personal life's having the same effect?

For me personally, I have been feeling like a cascading effect is taking place within me, the Truth seems to be getting through. I know I m misquoting Laura Knight-Jadczyk (feels funny using someones full name) here, but in her adventure series she recounts her own experience of awakening/initiation process. She goes on to explain how the search for Truth became a domino effect in her whole spectrum life, her seemingly endless energy was coming from this drive. I m not saying I m going through anything super profound, but for me personally it is a HUGE step forward from the darkness and depression that has lasted infinitum.

I explain to myself that this is happening because of all the work I have been doing on myself all this time. And I have, always trying to not let the ego/STS side of myself control me. But all at the same time it is as if all things in the cosmos is coming together like it is suppose to.

It is truly like seeing a ray of light of hope at some end of tunnel quote.

What do you all think?

I too have moments relatively often when I feel reassurance concerning the state of this world. It is sorely needed inbetween the news of greed and aggression, the earth changes and the general mayhem and chaos that is our world. :)

There seems few choice's to the current state that the planet finds itself. It's ether eye's shut tight or eye's wide open. Part of the change, (inside out, escape) or part of the problem (out side in entrapment). The choice is always yours. Congratulation's in seeing the lights.

 

[Mayb]

I so tired of fear, Im scared for almost 2 years ...if this is avakening ...huh..not pleasant.

 

[Drea]

In light of what is happening around the world/cosmos, like a veil is slowly being lifted, are your personal life's having the same effect?

Yes there are certainly some major changes taking place in my own life and in my thoughts. For months now I've been dealing with great fear and depression, because of the changes I'm seeing. Now 2011 I feel that things are really picking up. For some reason I am not the catastrophe mentally I was a few months ago. The hardest part for me right now is to see the person closest to me shutting his eyes even harder and occupying every single minute he has free to useless activities. No longer am I able to mention events or ideas to him anymore, because every bit of truth he rejects.

Laura had written in Soul Hackers about stripping every illusion away and falling in the darkness. This has been an ongoing thing for me and I certainly feel bare. Those illusions are not worth holding on to anymore, and it has made me realize I am all alone in this. But, with no illusions, now I can begin to form a basis on truth, albeit ever changing. There is a will with me, and I want it to grow.

 

[anart]

I so tired of fear, Im scared for almost 2 years ...if this is avakening ...huh..not pleasant.

No, fear is not awakening. What are your fears?

 

[Mayb]

I feel fear for my family , people I know for my daughter , for all of us.
It all start well, will reading, discovering, learning and thinking Im going in right direction, and then with knowledge some periods of depression arrived, after week or two depresion stops, and I thought that , by overhelming depresion , I was actually accepting what I discovered, since things that I discovered by reading and learning were not pleasant , especialy about the true nature of world we live in and psyhopats ,matrix, control system, OPS et.. then we got EE as a great tool, I was doing my best to make sure Im eating , learning and acting in accordance with all I think its right.
But two years ago , or maybe last year I start to feel fear from future, and that fear is growing with more info I am collecting, more things I see around me. I thought last year with EE things will be better, they are but fear is there.
And I find myself with thought "cant fight with this fear, fear for pure existency, Im scared for my a.. like there is nobody else who suffers and will, I am back where I started , like I never do nothing, I thought that those things are far beyond me , that I know that what is gonna be is gonna be , but I just cant accept it, and I find my sellf thinking " its all useless, all this work, all this knowlede is not knowledge when I still fell fear , which I compare with denial of all this around me , I was just fooling myself , I wish I could put my head in sand again, oh blessed ignorance , just to rest my mind for couple of days.
The more I am paying attention Im afraid more , the more I am afraid , I pay attention more and it is like circle, I tried to ignore it for a while, but cant concentrate to my job, child , friends with thoughts "what for ?, it is all going to come to an end soon anyway...."
I read the post , one forum member explained some similar "doomsday" panic...
And I fell so dissapointed in myself , I feel like I betrayed myself.

 

[anart]

Well, do you think you'd be happier if you just put your head in the sand?

I mean, at the end of the day, this is your life. What is going to happen is going to happen. You can either face it head on, aware of what it is, and in that have a chance to be able to take actions to protect yourself, or at the very least not be shocked as to lose yourself entirely - OR - you can put your head back in the sand and pretend to be 'comfortable' until you're blown away at one point by things you were working really hard to pretend were not there.

At the very base of it all, it really comes down to choosing to open your eyes or not - and it IS your choice, and your choice alone, as it is for everyone.

Personally, I've considered sticking my head back in the sand at times, but I cannot do it - it is just not in me to do. I want to know what I am facing - I want to know what is going on - I want to be here, eyes open, to witness all there is and all there will be because only in that will I ever have a chance to do anything at all. This life means something - and if I am here for a reason, I want to know and be a small force of all that I understand in this world. I also think all of the kind, sincere, loving and honest people in this world deserve to have a witness to their suffering who has her eyes open and who understands what is going on.

I have come to understand that even the smallest gestures and thoughts matter - what we do and who we are MATTERS in this world. We may not be able to change what is coming, or be able to rescue all those who are suffering - but we can, absolutely, be a positive force, a witness and a participant in all that lies before us - and in that, perhaps, make all this suffering worth something in the end. There is a Conscious force in the Universe and it is paying attention to what each of us chooses to do - not in judgment, just in observance - it is paying attention to whether we turn our backs on all that is in order to gain short lived comfort, or whether we work with all we have to face things as they are, on the small chance that in doing that we might see a way to make things better for others and ourselves. Perhaps where we are headed depends on what we choose to do now.

To want to stick your head in the sand is not failure - it's human - to not do it, to keep trying even when you're sad, mourning the loss of all that never was, though you really, really wanted it to be - even when you're scared that you're going to lose everything - that is worth the attention of the Universe, I think, though sticking your head in the sand is certainly a choice to make as well.

At the end of the day, though, Meri - it is YOUR life and your choice. Don't beat yourself up, just try to understand that this is where you are right now and maybe there really is a reason for that. Maybe suffering as you are has a purpose you can't quite see yet - but that purpose is there nonetheless. fwiw.

 

[Alana]

And I find myself with thought "cant fight with this fear, fear for pure existency, Im scared for my a.. like there is nobody else who suffers and will, I am back where I started , like I never do nothing, I thought that those things are far beyond me , that I know that what is gonna be is gonna be , but I just cant accept it, and I find my sellf thinking " its all useless, all this work, all this knowlede is not knowledge when I still fell fear , which I compare with denial of all this around me , I was just fooling myself , I wish I could put my head in sand again, oh blessed ignorance , just to rest my mind for couple of days.
The more I am paying attention Im afraid more , the more I am afraid , I pay attention more and it is like circle, I tried to ignore it for a while, but cant concentrate to my job, child , friends with thoughts "what for ?, it is all going to come to an end soon anyway...."
I read the post , one forum member explained some similar "doomsday" panic...
And I fell so dissapointed in myself , I feel like I betrayed myself.

Meri, it seems to me that you feed this fear you feel more than any other part of you. By focusing on it, you are giving it more life and energy and it has taken control over you. What else is there in you? Is there curiosity? Love? Compassion? Do you have a sense of humor? A desire to learn and know? Do you have any bits of stubbornness in you or even a sense of adventure? You don't need to answer this for me. But for you. Look inside you and see what else is there. Then try to focus on that feeling in you and don't give more of your attention to the fear. Tonight, when you do the EE program, try to feel yourself talking to the DCM when you listen to the meditation. Make the words of the POTS as if they are your own words. And observe all the other "yous" that DO live inside you.

And trust me, i know how you feel. Sometimes i feel this fear you describe too. I feel so powerless and small, and all i want to do is crawl inside my bed and cry or scream as if there's no tomorrow. What about my former dreams of a cozy normal life? What about the lives of those i know and those i don't, but i know they are out there and live and breath and dream the same as me? Once in a while, i let this fear and sadness overwhelm me. Then i know that i have to gain the reins back. It's as if there are many "mes" inside me and i look closely and make the choice which ones to feed with my attention so that all together overcome the paralyzing fear. Because even if i fear and worry all the time, nothing is going to change. And fwiw, the more i read about the subjects that scare me (current earth changes, violence around the world, injustices and the ignorance of the masses) the less i fear, if that makes any sense. It's as if all the information i read is adding up inside to strengthen something other than fear in me.

I don't know if this will help you at all, i am sure others will offer their insights too. But i am glad that you posted how you feel. Sharing and networking starts the process of understanding and healing, and lessens the heaviness in our hearts. Hang in there, Meri

 

[Mayb]

Thanks a lot,
putting the head in the sand is my wish but unfortunately or fortunately is not who I am , I guess if I am, I would deffinetly do it at first bad cognition. But Im still here involved with all my senses.
I am probably confused with all reinforced feelings in me. Everything I felt before in some normal level is now constant or increased, just the fear is somehing that is in forefront. I am actualy feeling constant ..empathy or compassion with everything and anything, which is actualy border with opsession in last half year, Im crying under every dog or cat on winter, not sleeping at nigth thinking does the gipsy kid I saw that day in the street is freezing somewhere, runing home from the supermarket to bring the jacket to some old homeless man on the street and other things.
I just feel like I become some other person ,crying and weak who can even help herself and not to mention somebody else.
I was always a "leader" people relied on me for organising, helping, I was strong coldhead person, who always had back up plan. I really hope that old me is still somewhere and when the real challenge arise the fear will dissapear and I could act in accordance with situation. But maybe I was expecting that with work , I will become stronger and clever not "softer", I always fellt empathy and fear and Im not saying that is the sign of weakness,but not in the level that bloks your actions or developing. Thats why I am thinking I am going the oposite direction and that I cant even imagine what awakening means.

 

[Mayb]

And again thanks both of you , anart and Alana for all explanations, there are so many questions in your posts which I have to ask myself and I guess the answers will help me clean this mess little bit

 

[Acaja]

Hi Meri,

I cannot pretend to be getting exactly how you feel, the least I can do is to imagine what you're going through.
Nevertheless, i think fear is a process that more or less follows a wishful thinking mechanism, which is precisely something we are trying not to use. Use fear or wishful thinking, you'll only "see" what you "want", and by doing so you're just restricting your energy of creation.
So if your readings, thinkings...whatever have led you to this very point of feeling , maybe this is something you (oh, but we all ) have to work on. And THIS is knowledge too .

Do you see the trap here ?

In your situation, I guess Faith may work a bit better though. (you may have a look on cassiopedia ;) )

 

[Alana]

I just feel like I become some other person ,crying and weak who can even help herself and not to mention somebody else.
I was always a "leader" people relied on me for organising, helping, I was strong coldhead person, who always had back up plan. I really hope that old me is still somewhere and when the real challenge arise the fear will dissapear and I could act in accordance with situation. But maybe I was expecting that with work , I will become stronger and clever not "softer", I always fellt empathy and fear and Im not saying that is the sign of weakness,but not in the level that bloks your actions or developing. Thats why I am thinking I am going the oposite direction and that I cant even imagine what awakening means.

Something in what you wrote above stood out for me, and i might be wrong, but here's my though: what if what you are going through is a reintegration phase, and you are in fact going in the right direction, but it's not like you thought it would be? It seems that a part of you that might have been repressed for many years, that part that was not strong headed and leader material, perhaps you considered her to be weak without much to offer, is coming up in you and she's raising her head to say: "i am here too"? And what if you embrace that part and listen to her fears and let the strong part in you take care of her and nurture her?

 

[Johnno]

I just feel like I become some other person ,crying and weak who can even help herself and not to mention somebody else.
I was always a "leader" people relied on me for organising, helping, I was strong coldhead person, who always had back up plan. I really hope that old me is still somewhere and when the real challenge arise the fear will dissapear and I could act in accordance with situation. But maybe I was expecting that with work , I will become stronger and clever not "softer", I always fellt empathy and fear and Im not saying that is the sign of weakness,but not in the level that bloks your actions or developing. Thats why I am thinking I am going the oposite direction and that I cant even imagine what awakening means.

Something in what you wrote above stood out for me, and i might be wrong, but here's my though: what if what you are going through is a reintegration phase, and you are in fact going in the right direction, but it's not like you thought it would be? It seems that a part of you that might have been repressed for many years, that part that was not strong headed and leader material, perhaps you considered her to be weak without much to offer, is coming up in you and she's raising her head to say: "i am here too"? And what if you embrace that part and listen to her fears and let the strong part in you take care of her and nurture her?

Agreed, some of the strongest people I have known have also been the kindest. Once that emotional bit that has been bubbling under the surface has sorted itself out, it will be able to combine with that old intellectual bit that was driving your life for so long. If you let it.

 

[RyanX]

Thanks a lot,
putting the head in the sand is my wish but unfortunately or fortunately is not who I am , I guess if I am, I would deffinetly do it at first bad cognition. But Im still here involved with all my senses.
I am probably confused with all reinforced feelings in me. Everything I felt before in some normal level is now constant or increased, just the fear is somehing that is in forefront. I am actualy feeling constant ..empathy or compassion with everything and anything, which is actualy border with opsession in last half year, Im crying under every dog or cat on winter, not sleeping at nigth thinking does the gipsy kid I saw that day in the street is freezing somewhere, runing home from the supermarket to bring the jacket to some old homeless man on the street and other things.
I just feel like I become some other person ,crying and weak who can even help herself and not to mention somebody else.
I was always a "leader" people relied on me for organising, helping, I was strong coldhead person, who always had back up plan. I really hope that old me is still somewhere and when the real challenge arise the fear will dissapear and I could act in accordance with situation. But maybe I was expecting that with work , I will become stronger and clever not "softer", I always fellt empathy and fear and Im not saying that is the sign of weakness,but not in the level that bloks your actions or developing. Thats why I am thinking I am going the oposite direction and that I cant even imagine what awakening means.

Meri,

Could it be that some of these feelings are due to hormonal imbalances from your recent pregnancy? I don't mean to belittle your feelings in any way, I just wanted to point out that this may be an underlying factor in what you're going through right now. What you described sounds similar to what my ex-wife went through after our first child. Although she was never diagnosed as having postpartum depression, she had the classic symptoms. I've seen the same thing in other women too.

Obviously your feelings are important and demand attention here - your body might be trying to tell you all is not well.

Take care! :)