Can Words Really Hurt?

I experienced the whole "it was just a joke" thing as a kid, watching it in my parents. Not a pleasant experience. Looking back on it, it's such a ridiculous and hurtful dynamic. The covert abuser insults their partner (who understandably gets emotional), then the CA gets mad at them for not just taking it, as if the person responding to their insult did so in a way to hurt THEIR feelings. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

You never hear the CA say something like, "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! I was trying to make a joke, but I hurt you instead. <hugs and profuse apologies>" because it wasn't intended as a joke. Unconscious or conscious, it is a criticism framed as a joke just as a kind of plausible cover story. So when the partner responds to the actual intent (abuse), they can appear blameless because "it was just a joke", and "why can't you take a joke" (more abuse).

I've also seen this among my peers in high school and college...
 
Approaching Infinity said:
You never hear the CA say something like, "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! I was trying to make a joke, but I hurt you instead. <hugs and profuse apologies>" because it wasn't intended as a joke. Unconscious or conscious, it is a criticism framed as a joke just as a kind of plausible cover story. So when the partner responds to the actual intent (abuse), they can appear blameless because "it was just a joke", and "why can't you take a joke" (more abuse).

I've also seen this among my peers in high school and college...

It's a way to undermine people. It feels like a power grab really - and it's no joke. What always amazes me is how often people will do this in front of others, and it is so uncomfortable when you are in a situation where someone is criticizing a family member or friend like this. What is worse, the attacker will attempt to get you to join in or absolve them of their guilt. :huh:
And I think it is important to stand up to the attacker - even if it's just saying that you feel uncomfortable and don't think that kind of 'joke' is funny.

From truth seeker:
Maybe the larger issue is that the person can no longer discern what is safe? If someone finds their self in an abusive relationship for an extended period of time (like years) or even in several abusive relationships, then I'd say that they may have grown up in a similar environment and thus abusive relationships feel safe to them. Because they don't know anything different, it feels 'comfortable' to them. It's as if the abused person no longer has a sense of self or a strong identity and becomes sort of absorbed by the abuser so they may actually think they're happy when in reality, they don't know what they feel about anything. They think they're happy because it's the only emotion they were given allowed to project as a child (that's mainly for women, for men this may be anger).

I experienced this as well from my ex-spouse. It is true, after a number of years in such a relationship, you get worn down. I think it takes a long time as well as appropriate therapy to undo the damage, as well as being around people you trust who will continually remind you that those behaviors aren't the way that one treats someone they truly love. It has to be hammered in for awhile before it starts to dawn!
 
Approaching Infinity said:
I experienced the whole "it was just a joke" thing as a kid, watching it in my parents. Not a pleasant experience. Looking back on it, it's such a ridiculous and hurtful dynamic. The covert abuser insults their partner (who understandably gets emotional), then the CA gets mad at them for not just taking it, as if the person responding to their insult did so in a way to hurt THEIR feelings. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

You never hear the CA say something like, "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! I was trying to make a joke, but I hurt you instead. <hugs and profuse apologies>" because it wasn't intended as a joke. Unconscious or conscious, it is a criticism framed as a joke just as a kind of plausible cover story. So when the partner responds to the actual intent (abuse), they can appear blameless because "it was just a joke", and "why can't you take a joke" (more abuse).

I've also seen this among my peers in high school and college...

It goes on so much in the home across generations & also in the workplace. I think there's a cyclic pattern across the ages too. Reading & watching those period dramas of the last two centuries & crossing that with say, the 60s period till now reveals a lot of conscious abuse. A lot of that was based on what was believed to be acceptable (I'm not talking about the down-trodden either - even worse) and from those in high society. As ponerization gripped the minds and especially after the last world war, the more critical minds saw the effects & tried to rectify them within their own familiar circles. But with so much COINTELPRO the mass consciousness became more unconscious of some of the most taken for granted parts of daily interactions. Basic civility & etiquette is no joke. My boss has done this several times "it's just a joke" etc, then qualifies it by saying that he "doesn't hold it in his heart" if the same is done to him. Yeah right. He starts splitting seven ways from Sunday!

Personally I won't put up with it from anyone ever again. What's difficult though is seeing this "plausible cover story can't you take a joke?" Scenario happen to others, especially in a group. I imagine that sometimes the abused might turn on you if you voice you discomfort & non-participation to the abuser. Simply because it can be a quick escape from the pain from everyone's attention (cuz the brain doesn't like pain & emotions are a super sponge) and anyway, "I don't need your help!"... :/
 
aleana said:
From truth seeker:
Maybe the larger issue is that the person can no longer discern what is safe? If someone finds their self in an abusive relationship for an extended period of time (like years) or even in several abusive relationships, then I'd say that they may have grown up in a similar environment and thus abusive relationships feel safe to them. Because they don't know anything different, it feels 'comfortable' to them. It's as if the abused person no longer has a sense of self or a strong identity and becomes sort of absorbed by the abuser so they may actually think they're happy when in reality, they don't know what they feel about anything. They think they're happy because it's the only emotion they were given allowed to project as a child (that's mainly for women, for men this may be anger).

I experienced this as well from my ex-spouse. It is true, after a number of years in such a relationship, you get worn down. I think it takes a long time as well as appropriate therapy to undo the damage, as well as being around people you trust who will continually remind you that those behaviors aren't the way that one treats someone they truly love. It has to be hammered in for awhile before it starts to dawn!

Sounds like Stockholm Syndrome. :(
 
Menrva said:
Sticks and Stones--Hurtful Words Damage the Brain
by R. Douglas Fields, Ph.D

Verbal abuse in childhood inflicts lasting physical effects on brain structure

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me... We all know how untrue that childhood incantation is. Words do hurt. Ridicule, disdain, humiliation, taunting, all cause injury, and when it is delivered in childhood from a child's peers, verbal abuse causes more than emotional trauma. It inflicts lasting physical effects on brain structure.

The remarkable thing about the human brain is that it develops after birth. Unlike most animals whose brains are cast at birth, the human brain is so underdeveloped at birth that we cannot even walk for months. Self awareness does not develop for years. Personality, cognitive abilities, and skills, take decades to develop, and these attributes develop differently in every person. This is because development and wiring of the human brain are guided by our experiences during childhood and adolescence. From a biological perspective, this increases the odds that an individual will compete and reproduce successfully in the environment the individual is born into, rather than the environment experienced by our cave-man ancestors and recorded in our genes through natural selection. Developing the human brain out of the womb cheats evolution, and this is the reason for the success of our species.

When that environment is hostile or socially unhealthy, development of the brain is affected, and often it is impaired. Early childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, or even witnessing domestic violence, have been shown to cause abnormal physical changes in the brain of children, with lasting effects that predisposes the child to developing psychological disorders. This type of brain scarring is well established now by human brain imaging studies, but prior to the recent study by Martin Teicher and colleagues at Harvard Medical School, taunting and other verbal abuse experienced by middle school children from their peers was not thought to leave a structural imprint on the developing brain. But it does, according to their new study published on-line in advance of print in the American Journal of Psychiatry.

Young adults, ages 18-25, with no history of exposure to domestic violence, sexual abuse, or parental physical abuse, were asked to rate their childhood exposure to parental and peer verbal abuse when they were children, and then they were given a brain scan.

The results revealed that those individuals who reported experiencing verbal abuse from their peers during middle school years had underdeveloped connections between the left and right sides of their brain through the massive bundle of connecting fibers called the corpus callosum. Psychological tests given to all subjects in the study showed that this same group of individuals had higher levels of anxiety, depression, anger, hostility, dissociation, and drug abuse than others in the study.

Verbal abuse from peers during the middle school years had the greatest impact, presumably because this is a sensitive period when these brain connections are developing and becoming insulated with myelin. (Myelin is formed by non-neuronal cells, brain cells that are also known as "the other brain", or glia.)

The environment that children are raised in molds not only their mind, but also their brain. This is something many long suspected, but now we have scientific instruments that show us how dramatically childhood experience alters the physical structure of the brain, and how sensitive we are as children to these environmental effects. Words--verbal harassment--from peers (and, as a previous study from these researchers showed, verbal abuse from a child's parents) can cause far more than emotional harm.

Early childhood experience can either nourish or stifle brain development, and the consequences are physical, personal, and societal. Childhood taunting and verbal bullying have always been a problem, but many feel that civility, courtesy, polite social interactions, have declined markedly from the environment that today's adults experienced as children. Many schools are more hostile places than schools once were, and new technologies, such as the internet, offer more opportunities for taunting and humiliation of children. If this is true, modern conditions or attitudes that tolerate verbal abuse of children by their peers are an incubator for developing brains with abnormalities in the corpus callosum and an elevated risk of psychiatric problems. The critical concern for ridding our environment of neurotoxins must also include "neurotoxins" children are exposed to in their environments.

I was bullied at home by my sister and father and step parents. Then at school, and at church. I couldn't escape it. It is very damaging. Makes you doubt yourself, everything you do. It can make you strive for perfection and not be satisfied with the best you can do, even when it seems to have been a Herculean accomplishment (in college, while working full time, going to college full time, tutoring, single mom, maintained a 3.85 GPA, several different people said to me, are you trying to kill yourself?) I still was dissatisfied that I had gotten 2 B's.
Borderline personality disorder can happen as a result of this. Being a chameleon, having no true tastes of your own, never having an opinion, doing whatever you have to so whomever you want to be with won't leave you, if you are one who defers or is not aggressive as a result of abuse. What I saw happen to my mom's generation (baby boomers; 9 kids; 40 grandkids) and what they seemed to get out of being abused was that they couldn't wait for their turn to bully or to dominate someone. Most of them were physically and/or verbally abusive to their own kids. They were excited about having their own turn to be sadistic and dominating to someone else, or as many others as they could. It made me certain the point of witnessing and suffering such horrors was so you would know why to never allow that to happen to, much less do that to another person.
 

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