Can't Remember My Childhood

[Zadius Sky]

I grew up remembering most of my childhood. I even recall most of the times that I spent with my sister and mother as they were trying to teach me to talk. It was the most "frustrating" experience because I was trying very, very hard to do what they wanted. The earliest memory that I have is walking towards a grocery store with my father holding my hand (my whole hand was holding his little finger). I remember how small my hand was and how big his hand was. I kept noticing the difference and I was in such awe.

I think what made me to remember most of my childhood was the fact that I got a camera as a kid and I kept taking pictures over the years and I've kept them in my albums. They weren't just "significant" events, just everyday things that caught my attention at the time. I used these as a refresher in preparing my autobiography, however limited. Reading psychology books sure helped brings back few memories that I blocked out that felt "hurtful" or being "stressed."

I cannot remember my childhood till I was 18, what is the matter with me, not one Christmas dinner till my father died, what is the matterrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Eighteen? When did your father died? That could be trauma or some painful and stressful experience that you endured enough that you blocked everything out. It could be any other causes as well. You might want to check out our recommended readings under Psychology section for answers and you can also check out a local therapist to help you to recover your memories.

Since this is your first post, I would like to welcome you to the forum. If you have a moment, please head over to the newbies board to properly introduce yourself, maybe tell us a little about how you became familiar with Laura's work, so we can all get to know you: http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/board,39.0.html

 

[Chris]

I don't remember most of my childhood. In fact, I have noticed I am having trouble forming memories for a long time. It's like I am missing some big part of observation that most of my experiences don't register anymore. I have been through some really traumatic experiences as a child. I remember that I used to try and willingly suppress memories and do a lot of wishful thinking in order to not have to think about my experiences. I guess it worked because it's like a reflex now, anytime any painful memory tries to resurface (and there a LOT of those), it probably gets suppressed unconsciously. Those events left a deep impression on me and without sufficient knowledge and help, I dealt with them the only way I could, by self-explanations, most of which would try to get rid of having to remember and re-experience the whole thing. There's also a lot of guilt involved because my actions hurt a lot of people and I have never been able to come to terms with it. I can't tell them how sorry I am and can't take back what I did.

I have been 'dealing' with this for a long time and it has choked up my brain and thinking. I have all this emotional trauma I don't remember and understand clearly and have no will to tacke it. I will read 'Redirect', as it deals with the issue of trauma and recovery. I don't know if that is necessarily the solution. I played an equal part in crime and was not just the victim. But I was too young, stupid and weak to have corrected myself. I have been around this forum for around one and a half years but this is the first time I am writing about this stuff publicly. I am sorry I can't be more specific about the details, but I do need to remember my dysfunctional childhood and explain it in a way that relieves me of the guilt and the buffers/programs that have since formed.

I also just seem to have become immune to emotions in general and have self-preservation defense mechanisms. I don't open up to people at all. I am usually very reserved and introverted. I read somewhere about the role of emotions and the hippocampus in forming long-term memories. There's one more important issue involved. The kind of education I received in school was rote-based. It was more about retrieving information from memory than actually thinking and solving real problems. It wasn't about creating awareness. I exploited the system, because I have had a very good short-term memory. I would just read the required chapters a day or two before examination and remember them well-enough to answer all the questions in the paper easily. And then, I would forget everything and that was that. Even though I 'excelled' in my academics this way, I couldn't think at all. I can't connect the dots, given information, clues. I didn't put to practice what I 'learned'. 'Knowledge', or the illusion of having it, had no practical application. The point is, this way of memorizing things for temporary use has had a huge impact on the way I lead my life. I was told that I was 'intelligent' because I got good grades in school, but, in fact, I was being deluded. I don't feel a lot of emotions and am generally detached with everything. Tying this in with the role of emotions in forming memory associations, I think this is a big problem why I can't remember my childhood period and why I have such a hard time gaining 'knowledge' and creating awareness.

 

[SMM]

I remember that I used to try and willingly suppress memories and do a lot of wishful thinking in order to not have to think about my experiences. I guess it worked because it's like a reflex now, anytime any painful memory tries to resurface (and there a LOT of those), it probably gets suppressed unconsciously. Those events left a deep impression on me and without sufficient knowledge and help, I dealt with them the only way I could, by self-explanations, most of which would try to get rid of having to remember and re-experience the whole thing. There's also a lot of guilt involved because my actions hurt a lot of people and I have never been able to come to terms with it. I can't tell them how sorry I am and can't take back what I did.

I think up to a certain age [around 10-13], there's only so much memory retained... this probably related to trauma or bereavement as I 'lost' [in more ways than one i.e. death, distance/separation, social exclusion] a number of people or things considered close/dear to me & had a major culture shock, though I was completely unaware of experiencing 'trauma' as the younger me for some reason always suppressed negative occurrences or considered herself immune to, or appearing weak under, such circumstances [familial conditioning possibly - not to show weakness].. haha think the opposite to immune proves more likely

Self-explanations, total escapism, experimental degeneration & taking the defense automatically is the summative of what I recall past that point.
Even prior to that I did A LOT of wishful thinking also, spending hours alone acting out fantasies or reading myths, books & anything that snapped my interest, or ate the pain away [whatever indulgence I could find] as it were. These were seen as innocent or harmless in comparison.

The television & movies were a revelation to me [such things weren't so widespread in Tanzania]; children do this acting business for a living? "Daddy, I want to be an actress & star in Harry Potter" in an email to him, half way across the world. "Better yet, I've written my own script & want to turn it into a film!"
..I do remember being obedient & talkative in groups.

My family have told me that I've had near-death experiences & terrible night terrors as a youth - one near-death due to an illness that caused me to have seizures & convulsions at the age of 2 [degedege, severe malaria] nearly frightened the life out of my dad. An abundant amount of old photographs featuring my elder sister & I were lost in cargo.

The most vivid memories of my childhood were almost out-of-body experiences, or moments of intensified energy. I remember seeing a silhouette of a tall black woman figure, facing sideways with red where her eyes should've been & bearing no feet, whilst trying to sleep. I remember running & falling in an unfinished building [no ceiling] were another neighbourhood boy was chasing me - then not remembering what happened, or not fully understanding [but something inclines me to think it was sexual in nature].

Moments of solitude, energies from certain people/situations, buildings & architecture seem to be the most prevalent memories.
I'm still relatively young though.

When you notice some automatic reaction/program in you, you can meditate on that and ask very specifically: "I want to know its root." I've have some memories come back with this little exercise.

All in all, it is probably a defense mechanism, so I think we need to go about it slowly, giving time for adjustments to those memories that resurface, and to understand what consequences they have in the present. But don't worry if you can't remember it all/most of it. The present is still a very good place to start observing yourself. The more you dig, the more you find out, and you might start remembering things naturally, when you are ready to do so.

Relocating to UK fuzzied a lot of my memories. If I hadn't made a solo trip back to Tanzania 2 years ago, I would probably still be trying to suppress these memories. This meditation suggestion for automatic reactions/programs seems a useful exercise.

That last part about the present I can indubitably attest to - recently smelled a dead fish through the window of my thought/emotional patterns. Turns out something I'd postulated years ago whilst searching is possibly where this fish is buried, so now I'm out with the proverbial shovel ;)
Observing in the present when my mind just wanted to run away, revert to that wishful thinking response it automatically incurs, helped sniff it out osit.

You may like too read 'Myth of Sanity' by Martha Stout, one of the recommended books to read, for an explanation of possible cause. It helped me a lot, as like you, possibly worse, I have almost zero recollection of a great deal of my past, not just childhood.

Also, you may like to read the Redirect thread - in particular the point of writing for healing (Pennebaker's exercise), many people, including myself, have found this a rewarding experience.

I haven't seen the Redirect thread [next destination perhaps?] or read 'Myth of Sanity' but writing can be a rewarding experience for several purposes, helping with more that recollection possibly.

I must pause here to express much gratitude for this forum
I can't actually finish this sentiment now without backspacing everything I type - something to this effect: learning to see the self as is being harder without the help of a group/networking [& the humour here :)] - so I'll leave it at that
Not sure if that last part belongs here - hope this helps.