Fear is a problem I have been suffering with since childhood - but a specific form of fear. I will try and explain my experiences as best I can - as it's still a big problem for me although it is becoming more manageable and less frequently strong in its intensity.
In it's current form - I am afraid of looking out of windows when it's dark outside. I can't even contemplate going outside alone when it's dark. It's also difficult to go into a room when the curtain/blind is open and it's night - and if I do, I consciously refuse to look out of the window, I keep my back to it, sometimes I pluck up the courage to go and shut the curtain or blind - although I seem to be making more of a conscious effort to shut these when it's approaching dusk now.
I am not so afraid of seeing something scary - as being surprised by it. Seeing something suddenly appear at the window out of the dark, or hearing something knock against it - something that would make me jump. I find myself mentally 'preparing' to be afraid of 'something', so I get very tense, and find it very difficult to relax and/or calm down.
When I am able to manage better, I don't feel as bothered or afraid. In some ways, I sort of challenge whatever might possibly frighten me, to show itself - because all it would do is confirm its existence; it would no longer be an unknown (and knowledge protects). I do understand that in some sense, my fear is self perpetuating in that it 'feeds' itself, and anything out there that might possibly be trying to make me afraid!
I am not afraid of being hurt or dying, in the same sense, because that is somewhat quantifiable. But I just hate this gut-wrenching, heart-stopping, chest-tightening, throat-constricting, head-pounding fear that makes me sweat and run out of the kitchen as soon as the kettle has finished boiling and I've made a drink!
As I mentioned in my introduction post - I was sexually abused by my father from a young age. From what I can remember, it is probably around the time that this started, that I can remember clearly being afraid of the dark.
My sister is 7 years younger than me - and we shared a bedroom and had bunk-beds. I vividly remember sleeping in the bottom bunk - hiding under my covers with my face against the wall for 'fresh' air, and the cold wall being damp from my warm breath condensing. This must have continued up until the age I was 12-14. I recall what I would do to try and stay calm, was sing myself to sleep. As my mother (starting when I was around 11) was studying with Jehovah's Witnesses, I knew some of their 'songs of praises', and I would sing those to myself.
I would carefully study the shadows projected onto the bedroom wall by the landing light. I was terrified that I would see the shadows of large, slavering wolves with huge gaping jaws prowling into the bedroom. This is an image that still frightens me, although I think I more 'expect' to see something humanoid appear at a window these days.
My previous therapist suggested that the 'wolves' I was afraid of, were indicating my fear of my father coming into my room at night whilst I was asleep, and abusing me. However - when I awoke whilst my father was there - I would pretend to be asleep out of fear of discovery and confusion about how he would react if I 'caught' him, or had 'allowed' him to continue. I am not sure why I would be terrified of an image I had created of 'wolves', when I was afraid in a different way of something I clearly recognised as my father. Unless perhaps it was a form of dissociating the fear of my father.
I have a very active imagination. When the film '28 days later' was released... I was 18? I went to see the film at the cinema with my boyfriend (now husband) and his brother. It was late at night when we walked home, passed some fields. My imagination seems to 'create' images for me to see. I was so sure I could see the 'zombies' portrayed in the film running parallel to us in the fields. I couldn't sleep that night, and I can't watch 'scary' films or read things that I find disturbing - without consciously finding something lighthearted and humorous to read/watch afterwards to clear my head. Not that I watch or read 'scary' things by choice, unless I find something I have read that is informative but disturbing.
I don't know if this is the correct forum for this post : I was reading the 'Shadow People' thread, which made me choose to share my experience.
I have been trying the recommended breathing exercises to try and calm down and clear my mind. But sometimes it seems my 'inner dialogue' travels at an unmanageable pace and I can't stop 'thinking' - one thought bouncing along into another.
One thing I am going to try and search about and try is meditation - to try and calm my thoughts and feel more in control of them, and the effects of thoughts evoking frightened feelings.
In it's current form - I am afraid of looking out of windows when it's dark outside. I can't even contemplate going outside alone when it's dark. It's also difficult to go into a room when the curtain/blind is open and it's night - and if I do, I consciously refuse to look out of the window, I keep my back to it, sometimes I pluck up the courage to go and shut the curtain or blind - although I seem to be making more of a conscious effort to shut these when it's approaching dusk now.
I am not so afraid of seeing something scary - as being surprised by it. Seeing something suddenly appear at the window out of the dark, or hearing something knock against it - something that would make me jump. I find myself mentally 'preparing' to be afraid of 'something', so I get very tense, and find it very difficult to relax and/or calm down.
When I am able to manage better, I don't feel as bothered or afraid. In some ways, I sort of challenge whatever might possibly frighten me, to show itself - because all it would do is confirm its existence; it would no longer be an unknown (and knowledge protects). I do understand that in some sense, my fear is self perpetuating in that it 'feeds' itself, and anything out there that might possibly be trying to make me afraid!
I am not afraid of being hurt or dying, in the same sense, because that is somewhat quantifiable. But I just hate this gut-wrenching, heart-stopping, chest-tightening, throat-constricting, head-pounding fear that makes me sweat and run out of the kitchen as soon as the kettle has finished boiling and I've made a drink!
As I mentioned in my introduction post - I was sexually abused by my father from a young age. From what I can remember, it is probably around the time that this started, that I can remember clearly being afraid of the dark.
My sister is 7 years younger than me - and we shared a bedroom and had bunk-beds. I vividly remember sleeping in the bottom bunk - hiding under my covers with my face against the wall for 'fresh' air, and the cold wall being damp from my warm breath condensing. This must have continued up until the age I was 12-14. I recall what I would do to try and stay calm, was sing myself to sleep. As my mother (starting when I was around 11) was studying with Jehovah's Witnesses, I knew some of their 'songs of praises', and I would sing those to myself.
I would carefully study the shadows projected onto the bedroom wall by the landing light. I was terrified that I would see the shadows of large, slavering wolves with huge gaping jaws prowling into the bedroom. This is an image that still frightens me, although I think I more 'expect' to see something humanoid appear at a window these days.
My previous therapist suggested that the 'wolves' I was afraid of, were indicating my fear of my father coming into my room at night whilst I was asleep, and abusing me. However - when I awoke whilst my father was there - I would pretend to be asleep out of fear of discovery and confusion about how he would react if I 'caught' him, or had 'allowed' him to continue. I am not sure why I would be terrified of an image I had created of 'wolves', when I was afraid in a different way of something I clearly recognised as my father. Unless perhaps it was a form of dissociating the fear of my father.
I have a very active imagination. When the film '28 days later' was released... I was 18? I went to see the film at the cinema with my boyfriend (now husband) and his brother. It was late at night when we walked home, passed some fields. My imagination seems to 'create' images for me to see. I was so sure I could see the 'zombies' portrayed in the film running parallel to us in the fields. I couldn't sleep that night, and I can't watch 'scary' films or read things that I find disturbing - without consciously finding something lighthearted and humorous to read/watch afterwards to clear my head. Not that I watch or read 'scary' things by choice, unless I find something I have read that is informative but disturbing.
I don't know if this is the correct forum for this post : I was reading the 'Shadow People' thread, which made me choose to share my experience.
I have been trying the recommended breathing exercises to try and calm down and clear my mind. But sometimes it seems my 'inner dialogue' travels at an unmanageable pace and I can't stop 'thinking' - one thought bouncing along into another.
One thing I am going to try and search about and try is meditation - to try and calm my thoughts and feel more in control of them, and the effects of thoughts evoking frightened feelings.
