Re: World's Saddest Internet Argument Techniques
It would be nice if one of ya'll would transcribe this off the image files and, with full credit to "Cracked", we can have it on file for members and moderators to refer to.
There is also this:
The 8 Most Obnoxious Internet Commenters
By Toby Francis Sep 03, 2008
Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_16605_8-most-obnoxious-internet-commenters.html#ixzz0xnBUO29V
6 New Personality Disorders Caused by the Internet
By Jonathan Kimak Jun 30, 2009
Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_17522_6-new-personality-disorders-caused-by-internet.html#ixzz0xnC1nq2e
I think all of these should go in our list of articles for newbies to read.
It would be nice if one of ya'll would transcribe this off the image files and, with full credit to "Cracked", we can have it on file for members and moderators to refer to.
There is also this:
The 8 Most Obnoxious Internet Commenters
By Toby Francis Sep 03, 2008
Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_16605_8-most-obnoxious-internet-commenters.html#ixzz0xnBUO29V
6 New Personality Disorders Caused by the Internet
By Jonathan Kimak Jun 30, 2009
Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_17522_6-new-personality-disorders-caused-by-internet.html#ixzz0xnC1nq2e
I think all of these should go in our list of articles for newbies to read.
EmeraldHope
The Living Force
Re: World's Saddest Internet Argument Techniques
Laura, here is the second article. I edited the profanity best I could, you may want to edit it in another way .
6 New Personality Disorders Caused by the Internet.
The Internet makes people crazy. We all know this. The guy on the message board who just called you a *&^%clown for owning a different video game console than him probably would have been perfectly polite had you met in real life.
In fact, we're thinking it's time they updated the psychological diagnostic manuals with this list of new disorders that only seem to kick in once the person opens a web browser
#6. Online Intermittent Explosive Disorder (a.k.a. The Thin-Skinned Rage-o-holic)
Like serial killers, these people seem pretty normal at first. For hours or even days, they'll carry on funny, charming conversations in a forum or comment section. But then something, anything, sets him off and he devolves into a tantrum that would make Christian Bale say, "Dude, calm down! Jesus."
In Real Life it's Called...
Intermittent Explosive Disorder.
Out in the real world, IED is an impulse control disorder that can make a person act like their entire family has been murdered just because Burger King forgot to put their fries in the bag. They're prone to fits of uncontrollable rage in situations that don't call for it.
And while it only affects around six percent of people in real life, on the Internet you run into one of these in almost every comment section. And nothing sets them off like a mild hit to their ego:
IED Guy: Hey guys I made this Photoshop, can I get some constructive criticism?
Normal poster: You might want to cut six or seven of the lens flares.
IED Guy: *&%^ YOU YOU COMMUNIST *&%^TARD. I HAVE WON AWARDS FOR MY WORK WHILE YOU WERE BUSY JERKING OFF IN YOUR PARENTS BASEMENT AND PLAYING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS-
(This continues for 2,000 words or so).
A simultaneously hilarious and disturbing example of this made internet headlines in mid-June, when somebody emailed a congressman's office and accidentally referred to his assistant Elizabeth as "Liz," prompting an explosion of 19 furious emails in which Elizabeth demanded that she be called by her full name.
So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?
First, there's the obvious: Most of us suppress our real-life spurts of rage for fear of getting punched in the face by the person we're screaming at. Second, on the Internet, where your looks, job, income and fancy clothes won't buy you any respect, some people seem to think they have to protect their reputation like an old west gunslinger: shooting down anybody who calls them out.
But then there's the third, and least obvious reason, which is that without tone of voice and body language, it's hard to convey mere annoyance or mild anger, without the fear that the person you're conveying it to just plain won't notice. So they think they have to crank it up to a 10 every time they're crossed, even if they don't mean it.
That's probably the weirdest part, that these people who are SCREAMING INSULTS IN ALL CAPS are often at the same time sitting in a cubicle somewhere, sipping coffee and conversing pleasantly with the person next to them.
#5. Low Forum Frustration Tolerance (a.k.a. The Frantic Browser Reloader)
This is the guy who makes a new thread, knowing he's just written the absolutely perfect post. A post that should be heralded across the Internet for its beauty, comedy and insight. It is such a good post that the guy is checking every five seconds to see if there is a new response. If he gets a response he quickly dashes out his own reply that will appear half a second later.
If there are no responses to his perfect post then he will wait an eternity of five minutes before replying to his own thread with, "What, nobody has a comment? Helloooo???"
You may also find this guy submitting stories to news portals like Digg and Reddit, losing an entire workday hitting Refresh (or F5) over and over, waiting for somebody, anybody, to digg up his submission.
In Real Life it's Called...
Low Frustration Tolerance.
LFT is defined as a person seeking immediate gratification or the avoidance of immediate pain. At first this sounds like the behavior of any whiny seven-year-old who wants a toy and will scream and pump his fat little arms until he gets what he wants. But unlike a kid, a quick smack to the back of the head won't shut this guy up.
Someone with LFT is so obsessed with their current project that everything else in their life stops. It's actually a form of procrastination, the obsession with that (often utterly inconsequential) object allows them to neglect their work, or girlfriend, or their dog that shits in the corner of the bedroom because it hasn't been walked in the last 10 hours.
So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?
There never has been an engine for instant gratification like the Internet. Our parents thought television killed our attention spans, but hell, with TV you still had to wait for the shows to come on, and they played at their own pace. On the Internet, the videos start when you tell them to. If they don't, off to another site. It's like a faucet: you turn the knob and you expect an immediate flow of lolcats.
It trains all of us to be impatient. And it's easy for the impatient to start looking at fellow posters or Diggers as just more pieces of content, morsels that need to be delivered the instant we want them. And why wouldn't we? This is a place where we can get a girl to strip for us on a webcam for like three bucks.
#4. Munchausen by Internet (a.k.a. The Sob Story Teller)
These are the people who lurk around innocently enough, and then, one day, tragedy strikes. Their dog, or parent, or maybe a close friend died. Maybe the poster themselves found out they have a terminal disease. And unless you're on 4chan, the group will generally rally around and shower them with sympathy. You send this person your prayers and well wishes, maybe a few dozen kitten pictures and you hope they will get through it.
Then, a few months later, another tragedy strikes them. Their best friend was raped, or paralyzed in an accident, or both. A few months after that, their father dies. Again.
Soon it becomes apparent that they are either living under an ancient Egyptian curse, or they're making it all up.
It's so common that somebody else has already coined the sarcastic term for it: Munchausen by Internet.
In Real Life it's Called...
Munchausen Syndrome.
The basis of need here is the same as the attention-seekers above, only these people will only settle for the positive and sympathetic attention that comes with being sick or some other kind of distress. You know, without the whole "actually being sick" thing to bog them down.
In real life they can keep it up for years, because society doesn't make it easy to be skeptical in these situations. If you cast doubt on them and then later discover it was in fact true, suddenly you're the biggest douche on the planet.
So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?
As easy as it is to pull off in real life, it's 10 time easier online where there's no simple way to fact-check the claims. So it doesn't take a balls-out liar or con man to pull it off. Hell, all you need to do is know how to type, and you have access to that same outpouring of sympathy all Munchausen sufferers get addicted to.
A famous case of cyberMuching was that of Kaycee Nicole, a 19-year-old with Leukemia who turned out to have been created by 40-year-old Debbie Swenson. The Kaycee character posted daily for two years in a online journal about her struggle to live with her illness. She then "died" and only when there was no funeral people did people figure out it had all been a hoax.
And even then, Swenson could keep doing it elsewhere if she so pleased. She may be out doing it right now. On the anonymous Internet, you can create a dozen different characters and when one of them starts to get boring the "parent" can just kill them off. This is clinically known as the LOST approach.
#3. Online Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (a.k.a. The Grammar Nazi)
We all reserve the right to mock people who post 500-word blocks of misspelled nonsense. But then you have the situation where somebody posts a perfectly clear and clever message but within their well-articulated points they dare to confuse "your" with "you're." And then somebody will flip out.
Like a Mossad agent in rural America, you quickly discover that you've found a Nazi. Of the Grammar variety.
In Real Life it's Called...
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, or OCPD.
OCPD should not be confused with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (or, "The OC Disorder"). OCPD shares the obsessive component of OCD, but it is different from OCD in that OCPD has the letter P in its name. That and people with OCPD do not perform the weird ritualistic actions of OCD'ers, like opening a door four times or having to always eat Pringles with the concave side up.
OCPD types simply have an incredibly strict standard by which certain tasks be done, to the point that it literally can lead to violence otherwise.
So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?
At the heart of the real-life OCPD sufferer seems to be an irrational fear that the rest of the world is sloppier, dirtier and more disorganized than it should be, that it's rapidly getting worse, and that the world will fall to pieces unless someone straightens it up.
On the Internet, five minutes spent reading YouTube comments can convince even an average, level-headed person that the Internet is about to suffer the same fate. The old-fashioned holdouts who insist on typing in actual sentences see what seems to be an inexorable move toward a language based entirely on texting abbreviations. It's not hard to feel the desire to take up arms to defend language at all costs. Srsly.
#2. Low Cyber Self-Esteem (a.k.a. The Guy Who Everyone Hates but Who Never Leaves)
There's a place for everyone on the Internet to feel at home. When you can fill a message board with fans of The Wonder Years porn, there should be no such thing as an outcast.
Yet, each forum, chat room or other online community seems to have a person or people who just don't fit in. It's not that they are necessarily horrible people, they're just the square trying to fit into the triangle hole. They get ridiculed constantly.
Now you may figure this is no different than the picked-on nerd in high school, but unlike that kid always getting squished into a locker, these people are free to leave the website at any time.
But they never do.
In Real Life it's Called...
Self-Abasement and/or Attention Seeking Behavior.
Someone with the need for self-abasement feels that they should be perpetually punished for their wrongdoings.
They're like the albino that whipped himself in The Da Vinci Code, only instead of drawing blood they draw "*&%^ you noobtard" comments. It's either a subconscious way to feel like they're paying back the world for their sins, or they're just so out of self-esteem that they can't muster the energy to defend themselves.
If taken to an extreme, it can even turn into Online Erotic Humiliation where the abuse turns into sexual arousal. So the next time you tell someone to go -flick- themselves, you might have just given them the material to do so.
But maybe more common than that is good ol' Attention Seeking Behavior, which every single person who's ever spent just one evening with a child will be familiar with. The outcast, like the child, knows that hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is. All that negative attention is still attention, and the abuse is still several steps better than being ignored.
So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?
So we've established that when you say, in person, "Jimmy, go away, you're a retard" that Jimmy is just happy that somebody used his name and acknowledged his existence. Even if the only reason you used his name was to tell him to go die in a fire.
But when you type it on a message board, it's that much better. This isn't just attention, but attention that's being broadcast around the globe via the World Wide Web. The "we hate Jimmy" thread on a popular forum might be read by thousands of people. If that many people are reading about him, he must matter (heck, think of all the TV personalities who have made a career out of being hated).
The attention-seeker gets what he wants, and the self-abaser gets an erection big enough to actually interfere with the signal on his wireless keyboard.
#1.Internet Asperger's Syndrome (a.k.a. The Troll)
We can't take credit for this one, blogger and Internet entrepreneur Jason Calacanis coined the term "Internet Asperger's Syndrome" to describe the utter loss of all social rules and empathy that seems to hit some people for no other reason than that they happen to be communicating via keyboard and monitor at the time.
We don't need to retell all of the horror stories. A kid commits suicide on webcam while the trolls cheer him on, Anonymous mocks a suicide victim, some kids fire a baby out of a giant slingshot for a YouTube video (we're not sure if that last one actually happened but it's really just a matter of time).
Normal kids, good grades, no criminal records... but get them in a chat room and suddenly it reads like the transcript to a Charles Manson parole hearing.
In Real Life it's Called...
Asperger's Syndrome.
This rarely diagnosed but often claimed disorder is a mild form of Autism that comes with what seems to be a biological inability to show empathy for other human beings, as well as (and maybe stemming from) an inability to recognize nonverbal cues. They continually do weird, upsetting things because they don't know it's upsetting you. That part of their brain is broken.
People cringe when they hear this term because they know that a large number of the teenagers claiming Asperger's are, in fact, merely *&^%s.
So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?
Calacanis figured out that people who do all of their communicating online wind up mimicking Asperger's behaviors because they are imposing the same disadvantages on themselves. In both cases, when the ability to see nonverbal responses and facial expressions goes away, so does empathy. Soon the thing you're communicating with isn't a person, they're just a bunch of words on a screen. A bunch of words that the little &*$%^&^ didn't even bother to spellcheck.
Laura, here is the second article. I edited the profanity best I could, you may want to edit it in another way .
6 New Personality Disorders Caused by the Internet.
The Internet makes people crazy. We all know this. The guy on the message board who just called you a *&^%clown for owning a different video game console than him probably would have been perfectly polite had you met in real life.
In fact, we're thinking it's time they updated the psychological diagnostic manuals with this list of new disorders that only seem to kick in once the person opens a web browser
#6. Online Intermittent Explosive Disorder (a.k.a. The Thin-Skinned Rage-o-holic)
Like serial killers, these people seem pretty normal at first. For hours or even days, they'll carry on funny, charming conversations in a forum or comment section. But then something, anything, sets him off and he devolves into a tantrum that would make Christian Bale say, "Dude, calm down! Jesus."
In Real Life it's Called...
Intermittent Explosive Disorder.
Out in the real world, IED is an impulse control disorder that can make a person act like their entire family has been murdered just because Burger King forgot to put their fries in the bag. They're prone to fits of uncontrollable rage in situations that don't call for it.
And while it only affects around six percent of people in real life, on the Internet you run into one of these in almost every comment section. And nothing sets them off like a mild hit to their ego:
IED Guy: Hey guys I made this Photoshop, can I get some constructive criticism?
Normal poster: You might want to cut six or seven of the lens flares.
IED Guy: *&%^ YOU YOU COMMUNIST *&%^TARD. I HAVE WON AWARDS FOR MY WORK WHILE YOU WERE BUSY JERKING OFF IN YOUR PARENTS BASEMENT AND PLAYING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS-
(This continues for 2,000 words or so).
A simultaneously hilarious and disturbing example of this made internet headlines in mid-June, when somebody emailed a congressman's office and accidentally referred to his assistant Elizabeth as "Liz," prompting an explosion of 19 furious emails in which Elizabeth demanded that she be called by her full name.
So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?
First, there's the obvious: Most of us suppress our real-life spurts of rage for fear of getting punched in the face by the person we're screaming at. Second, on the Internet, where your looks, job, income and fancy clothes won't buy you any respect, some people seem to think they have to protect their reputation like an old west gunslinger: shooting down anybody who calls them out.
But then there's the third, and least obvious reason, which is that without tone of voice and body language, it's hard to convey mere annoyance or mild anger, without the fear that the person you're conveying it to just plain won't notice. So they think they have to crank it up to a 10 every time they're crossed, even if they don't mean it.
That's probably the weirdest part, that these people who are SCREAMING INSULTS IN ALL CAPS are often at the same time sitting in a cubicle somewhere, sipping coffee and conversing pleasantly with the person next to them.
#5. Low Forum Frustration Tolerance (a.k.a. The Frantic Browser Reloader)
This is the guy who makes a new thread, knowing he's just written the absolutely perfect post. A post that should be heralded across the Internet for its beauty, comedy and insight. It is such a good post that the guy is checking every five seconds to see if there is a new response. If he gets a response he quickly dashes out his own reply that will appear half a second later.
If there are no responses to his perfect post then he will wait an eternity of five minutes before replying to his own thread with, "What, nobody has a comment? Helloooo???"
You may also find this guy submitting stories to news portals like Digg and Reddit, losing an entire workday hitting Refresh (or F5) over and over, waiting for somebody, anybody, to digg up his submission.
In Real Life it's Called...
Low Frustration Tolerance.
LFT is defined as a person seeking immediate gratification or the avoidance of immediate pain. At first this sounds like the behavior of any whiny seven-year-old who wants a toy and will scream and pump his fat little arms until he gets what he wants. But unlike a kid, a quick smack to the back of the head won't shut this guy up.
Someone with LFT is so obsessed with their current project that everything else in their life stops. It's actually a form of procrastination, the obsession with that (often utterly inconsequential) object allows them to neglect their work, or girlfriend, or their dog that shits in the corner of the bedroom because it hasn't been walked in the last 10 hours.
So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?
There never has been an engine for instant gratification like the Internet. Our parents thought television killed our attention spans, but hell, with TV you still had to wait for the shows to come on, and they played at their own pace. On the Internet, the videos start when you tell them to. If they don't, off to another site. It's like a faucet: you turn the knob and you expect an immediate flow of lolcats.
It trains all of us to be impatient. And it's easy for the impatient to start looking at fellow posters or Diggers as just more pieces of content, morsels that need to be delivered the instant we want them. And why wouldn't we? This is a place where we can get a girl to strip for us on a webcam for like three bucks.
#4. Munchausen by Internet (a.k.a. The Sob Story Teller)
These are the people who lurk around innocently enough, and then, one day, tragedy strikes. Their dog, or parent, or maybe a close friend died. Maybe the poster themselves found out they have a terminal disease. And unless you're on 4chan, the group will generally rally around and shower them with sympathy. You send this person your prayers and well wishes, maybe a few dozen kitten pictures and you hope they will get through it.
Then, a few months later, another tragedy strikes them. Their best friend was raped, or paralyzed in an accident, or both. A few months after that, their father dies. Again.
Soon it becomes apparent that they are either living under an ancient Egyptian curse, or they're making it all up.
It's so common that somebody else has already coined the sarcastic term for it: Munchausen by Internet.
In Real Life it's Called...
Munchausen Syndrome.
The basis of need here is the same as the attention-seekers above, only these people will only settle for the positive and sympathetic attention that comes with being sick or some other kind of distress. You know, without the whole "actually being sick" thing to bog them down.
In real life they can keep it up for years, because society doesn't make it easy to be skeptical in these situations. If you cast doubt on them and then later discover it was in fact true, suddenly you're the biggest douche on the planet.
So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?
As easy as it is to pull off in real life, it's 10 time easier online where there's no simple way to fact-check the claims. So it doesn't take a balls-out liar or con man to pull it off. Hell, all you need to do is know how to type, and you have access to that same outpouring of sympathy all Munchausen sufferers get addicted to.
A famous case of cyberMuching was that of Kaycee Nicole, a 19-year-old with Leukemia who turned out to have been created by 40-year-old Debbie Swenson. The Kaycee character posted daily for two years in a online journal about her struggle to live with her illness. She then "died" and only when there was no funeral people did people figure out it had all been a hoax.
And even then, Swenson could keep doing it elsewhere if she so pleased. She may be out doing it right now. On the anonymous Internet, you can create a dozen different characters and when one of them starts to get boring the "parent" can just kill them off. This is clinically known as the LOST approach.
#3. Online Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (a.k.a. The Grammar Nazi)
We all reserve the right to mock people who post 500-word blocks of misspelled nonsense. But then you have the situation where somebody posts a perfectly clear and clever message but within their well-articulated points they dare to confuse "your" with "you're." And then somebody will flip out.
Like a Mossad agent in rural America, you quickly discover that you've found a Nazi. Of the Grammar variety.
In Real Life it's Called...
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, or OCPD.
OCPD should not be confused with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (or, "The OC Disorder"). OCPD shares the obsessive component of OCD, but it is different from OCD in that OCPD has the letter P in its name. That and people with OCPD do not perform the weird ritualistic actions of OCD'ers, like opening a door four times or having to always eat Pringles with the concave side up.
OCPD types simply have an incredibly strict standard by which certain tasks be done, to the point that it literally can lead to violence otherwise.
So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?
At the heart of the real-life OCPD sufferer seems to be an irrational fear that the rest of the world is sloppier, dirtier and more disorganized than it should be, that it's rapidly getting worse, and that the world will fall to pieces unless someone straightens it up.
On the Internet, five minutes spent reading YouTube comments can convince even an average, level-headed person that the Internet is about to suffer the same fate. The old-fashioned holdouts who insist on typing in actual sentences see what seems to be an inexorable move toward a language based entirely on texting abbreviations. It's not hard to feel the desire to take up arms to defend language at all costs. Srsly.
#2. Low Cyber Self-Esteem (a.k.a. The Guy Who Everyone Hates but Who Never Leaves)
There's a place for everyone on the Internet to feel at home. When you can fill a message board with fans of The Wonder Years porn, there should be no such thing as an outcast.
Yet, each forum, chat room or other online community seems to have a person or people who just don't fit in. It's not that they are necessarily horrible people, they're just the square trying to fit into the triangle hole. They get ridiculed constantly.
Now you may figure this is no different than the picked-on nerd in high school, but unlike that kid always getting squished into a locker, these people are free to leave the website at any time.
But they never do.
In Real Life it's Called...
Self-Abasement and/or Attention Seeking Behavior.
Someone with the need for self-abasement feels that they should be perpetually punished for their wrongdoings.
They're like the albino that whipped himself in The Da Vinci Code, only instead of drawing blood they draw "*&%^ you noobtard" comments. It's either a subconscious way to feel like they're paying back the world for their sins, or they're just so out of self-esteem that they can't muster the energy to defend themselves.
If taken to an extreme, it can even turn into Online Erotic Humiliation where the abuse turns into sexual arousal. So the next time you tell someone to go -flick- themselves, you might have just given them the material to do so.
But maybe more common than that is good ol' Attention Seeking Behavior, which every single person who's ever spent just one evening with a child will be familiar with. The outcast, like the child, knows that hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is. All that negative attention is still attention, and the abuse is still several steps better than being ignored.
So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?
So we've established that when you say, in person, "Jimmy, go away, you're a retard" that Jimmy is just happy that somebody used his name and acknowledged his existence. Even if the only reason you used his name was to tell him to go die in a fire.
But when you type it on a message board, it's that much better. This isn't just attention, but attention that's being broadcast around the globe via the World Wide Web. The "we hate Jimmy" thread on a popular forum might be read by thousands of people. If that many people are reading about him, he must matter (heck, think of all the TV personalities who have made a career out of being hated).
The attention-seeker gets what he wants, and the self-abaser gets an erection big enough to actually interfere with the signal on his wireless keyboard.
#1.Internet Asperger's Syndrome (a.k.a. The Troll)
We can't take credit for this one, blogger and Internet entrepreneur Jason Calacanis coined the term "Internet Asperger's Syndrome" to describe the utter loss of all social rules and empathy that seems to hit some people for no other reason than that they happen to be communicating via keyboard and monitor at the time.
We don't need to retell all of the horror stories. A kid commits suicide on webcam while the trolls cheer him on, Anonymous mocks a suicide victim, some kids fire a baby out of a giant slingshot for a YouTube video (we're not sure if that last one actually happened but it's really just a matter of time).
Normal kids, good grades, no criminal records... but get them in a chat room and suddenly it reads like the transcript to a Charles Manson parole hearing.
In Real Life it's Called...
Asperger's Syndrome.
This rarely diagnosed but often claimed disorder is a mild form of Autism that comes with what seems to be a biological inability to show empathy for other human beings, as well as (and maybe stemming from) an inability to recognize nonverbal cues. They continually do weird, upsetting things because they don't know it's upsetting you. That part of their brain is broken.
People cringe when they hear this term because they know that a large number of the teenagers claiming Asperger's are, in fact, merely *&^%s.
So Why Does it Happen on the Internet?
Calacanis figured out that people who do all of their communicating online wind up mimicking Asperger's behaviors because they are imposing the same disadvantages on themselves. In both cases, when the ability to see nonverbal responses and facial expressions goes away, so does empathy. Soon the thing you're communicating with isn't a person, they're just a bunch of words on a screen. A bunch of words that the little &*$%^&^ didn't even bother to spellcheck.
EmeraldHope
The Living Force
Re: World's Saddest Internet Argument Techniques
Laura,
Here is the last one. Once I again I edited for profanity. I did not type in the quotes of the actual examples given because most would not be appropriate due to language and were not needed to make the point. i was really not sure what to do due to forum profanity rules. If you want these two transcriptions changed to the original content and all quotes added in I will be glad to do it, just let me know. I am defaulting to better safe than sorry.
The 8 Most Obnoxious Internet Commenters
Under every video on YouTube or Break, and under every story on Digg or even right here on Cracked, there is a mini-culture that forms down in the comment section. The hit-and-run nature of the comments means it's fertile ground for some really annoying personalities to thrive.
These are the eight commenter personality types you'd most like to avoid, but can't because they're freaking everywhere.
#8.The Non-Believer
Typical Comment
"FAKE! Did you see how that guy exploded just BEFORE he hit the tree. Fake, don't waste my time."
Who Are They?
They like to think of themselves as the jaded skeptic in a world full of gullible sheeple, determined to be a flickering light of truth in a dark internet full of lies and fake viral videos. "No one could really fart on a birthday cake that way!"
Why We Hate Them:
The guys we're talking about here are the knee-jerk skeptics, the ones who take it too far. They have an automatic reaction to call "fake" on pretty much any video that shows anything remotely remarkable happening. They're not doing it in some grand quest for truth, they just want to feel smarter than the room and generally suck all of the wonder out of the world.
This is the internet, if we want to believe some dudes can catch sunglasses on their face like that, who are they to take that from us, dammit!
#7.The Macho Man
Typical Comment:
"Holy *^%!!!!!! That was *&^(* awsome! but IF that guy did that to me id kill him
Who Are They?
We think this guy is the same 'roid-monkey, blond-haired, fake tan, lip-pouting douche bag who made your high school life hell. He is the same guy who would have called you "dweeb" if you lived in a 1980's teen movie, but it is more likely that he called you "^&*&er" and pooped on your porch after egging your house.
Why We Hate Them:
This guy shows up commenting on any video or news story that involves a fist fight or confrontation. He's quick to remind us of what a badass he is in the real world, and is quick to make physical threats ("You want to come to Jersey and say that to my face??!?!?!").
After spending his formative years settling disputes on high school football fields, he's desperate to be the same kind of bully online he is in the real world. But he's found himself in a strange realm where huge biceps don't seem to count for anything, and is having a tough time making the adjustment.
No, you can't punch people over an internet connection, Macho Man. We've tried it.
#6.The Great Defender
Typical Comment:
"I'd like to see you do any better. What have you ever done with your life? Stop judging people and let everyone be who they want to be because, in the end, isn't that what life is all about?"
(NOTE: This comment is usually followed by someone replying with a shatteringly eloquent: *&(
Who Are They?
The Great Defender sees himself or herself as a moral crusader, like a cross between Batman and Jesus. In reality they are more like a cross between Jeremy Piven and that annoying girl who always feels the need to inject herself into every conversation, at least long enough to let you know she holds the moral high ground.
Why We Hate Them:
Much like the Non-Believer up there, it's the knee-jerk nature of the Great Defender that's so annoying. You can have a YouTube video of a group of neo-Nazis shooting puppies out of a cannon, and the Great Defender will jump in with, "Wow you have to wonder what kind of trauma these guys had growing up that caused them to be so misguided. Some of you are so quick to judge."
That, or they may chime in with the much more annoying, "There are millions of starving children in the world, and you guys are getting worked up over some puppies?"
That seems to be the Great Defender's favorite weapon, which works on the premise that we're not allowed to get mad at anything as long as something worse is going on elsewhere.
You know what? If we want to be outraged, let us. That's why we watch those videos, it makes us feel better about ourselves. Sure, we may have stolen some movies off Bittorrent, but at least we didn't fire puppies out of a cannon while we were doing it.
#5.Mr. Science
Typical Comment:
"I think you'll find that when you mix pure Hydrogen with Oxygen you don't produce water (2H2O) as would be expected, you, in fact, create an explosion. So it is perfectly normal that this video shows an explosion during the attempted grafting of Helium (He) and Sodium (Na)."
Who Are They?
This guy knows everything about the laws that govern the known universe, even the stuff science hasn't figured out yet. He has an education, works in a lab (or claims to) and has devoted his extraordinary gifts to telling strangers on the internet that they are wrong.
Why We Hate Them:
This guy is the brainiac version of the Macho Man. His goal is not to inform others, but just to make it clear that he knows way, way more than them. This is the guy who stops an entire game of poker because you didn't "burn" the top card before the river."
There's of course a reason this guy is hanging out on YouTube instead of some forum full of other professionals. He gets off on being right so much that he actively seeks out the company of people who are chronically wrong.
He seems to be wholly unaware that showing up in the comments section under some retarded YouTube video is about as impressive as challenging a room full of kindergartners to a fight. Winning is almost as bad as losing.
#4.Hitler's Apprentice
Typical Comment:
"Damn spic, send him back to mexico!"
(NOTE: This is usually posted in a video about Mexicans actually in Mexico.)
Who Are They?
If you need to be told, then you are probably him. He's white, suburban, middle-class, and the only time he's been to the inner city was when Mom and Dad's SUV took a wrong turn in Atlanta because the GPS malfunctioned.
Why We Hate Them:
The internet has done wonders for racism. This guy probably never utters a racist word out in the real world, but once he can hide behind an avatar on the internet... BAM! Mr. KKK the Nazi Loving Aryan Prince rears his ugly head.
If the video or story or photo has a black person in it, this guy will be there unleashing all of the racial epitaphs he's been forced to bottle up while in polite society.
There is also a second tier of these guys who are slightly more educated, in the sense that they have memorized half a dozen highly suspect statistics that support their racism ("Blacks have smaller brains. It's not racist, it's true.") They don't mind that their views on race would have seemed old-fashioned about 40 years ago. They tell themselves they do it for the humor and shock value, which isn't much better since those jokes stopped being funny or shocking about 39 years ago.
#3.The Ninja
Typical Comment:
"your a *(&"
Who Are They?
This commenter is in and out in a flash, they will usually only post one comment, no more no less, just enough to get the job done. The ninja will lay in wait while some comment section argument rages. Then, just as everyone has stopped caring whether or not the new Harry Potter trailer looks stupid, the ninja will strike with such grace and precision that it will devastate everyone who stumbles across his comment, forever changing their lives.
Why We Hate Them:
Their style of drive-by insult is the sort of thing you can't get away with in real life, where poop-stirrers can get called out and often beaten. We can only imagine that he is sitting at home rubbing his hands, glowing in his accomplishment as he watches replies pile up for hours under a cheap insult it took him four seconds to type.
He sees himself as the internet equivalent of the Joker, spreading chaos for chaos' sake. He laughs maniacally towards the heavens, before breaking into a coughing fit and reaching for his asthma inhaler.
#2.The Political Activist
Typical Comment:
"How can you guys sit here and watch a video about two girls pooping into a cup when America is being turned into a Fascist police state?"
Who Are They?
These are almost always college kids who, in the last few months, have begun reading about politics. Unfortunately, all of their reading comes from inflammatory blogs and YouTube videos with techno background music and scary titles.
These guys have just now figured out that--gasp--there is corruption in politics, and now they're storming into every comment box they can find with guns blazing, ready to inform the rest of us about how the world really works.
Why We Hate Them:
Aside from the fact that these people have basically no real education on the topic, grossly exaggerate every issue and cling to every single conspiracy theory that comes along, they are by far the most in-your-face of all of the personalities on this list.
We almost wouldn't mind them if they aimed their comments at videos and articles that actually have something to do with politics. But these guys will inject their love for their favorite politician (ie, Ron Paul) under a YouTube video of a toddler on a trampoline. The only thing that makes us feel better is knowing most of them aren't old enough to vote.
#1.The Bot
Typical Comment:
"That video was FUNNY!!! For more funny videos visit www.fakesite.com/vn/TrojanHorseVirus.rar"
Who Are They?
"They" are not real, they are usually a computer that searches websites and creates fake accounts to post ads about bullshit websites that are often so riddled with spyware that even the pop-ups are enough to shoot sparks and hunks of melted plastic out of your PC.
Why We Hate Them:
Aside from the obvious (that we wanted funny videos but instead we got a load of midget porn spam and became the 10,000,001th victim of identity theft) there's the fact that these aren't always computer programs. Often they're employees who spend all day manually signing up to websites to post their spam. Regular Bots may screw up our computer. But the idea of humans that do this for a living is just depressing.
The thing is, it's even worse than the most annoying legitimate advertising, because these spammers don't even intend for you to click the link. They're just pasting in code because it helps their search engine rankings (you rank higher on Google when your URL appears on lots of other sites). That's why instead of some kind of enticing link to a product (which, hell, we might even enjoy, who knows) you often get a jumbled bunch of meaningless code meant purely to fool a search engine.
Laura,
Here is the last one. Once I again I edited for profanity. I did not type in the quotes of the actual examples given because most would not be appropriate due to language and were not needed to make the point. i was really not sure what to do due to forum profanity rules. If you want these two transcriptions changed to the original content and all quotes added in I will be glad to do it, just let me know. I am defaulting to better safe than sorry.
The 8 Most Obnoxious Internet Commenters
Under every video on YouTube or Break, and under every story on Digg or even right here on Cracked, there is a mini-culture that forms down in the comment section. The hit-and-run nature of the comments means it's fertile ground for some really annoying personalities to thrive.
These are the eight commenter personality types you'd most like to avoid, but can't because they're freaking everywhere.
#8.The Non-Believer
Typical Comment
"FAKE! Did you see how that guy exploded just BEFORE he hit the tree. Fake, don't waste my time."
Who Are They?
They like to think of themselves as the jaded skeptic in a world full of gullible sheeple, determined to be a flickering light of truth in a dark internet full of lies and fake viral videos. "No one could really fart on a birthday cake that way!"
Why We Hate Them:
The guys we're talking about here are the knee-jerk skeptics, the ones who take it too far. They have an automatic reaction to call "fake" on pretty much any video that shows anything remotely remarkable happening. They're not doing it in some grand quest for truth, they just want to feel smarter than the room and generally suck all of the wonder out of the world.
This is the internet, if we want to believe some dudes can catch sunglasses on their face like that, who are they to take that from us, dammit!
#7.The Macho Man
Typical Comment:
"Holy *^%!!!!!! That was *&^(* awsome! but IF that guy did that to me id kill him
Who Are They?
We think this guy is the same 'roid-monkey, blond-haired, fake tan, lip-pouting douche bag who made your high school life hell. He is the same guy who would have called you "dweeb" if you lived in a 1980's teen movie, but it is more likely that he called you "^&*&er" and pooped on your porch after egging your house.
Why We Hate Them:
This guy shows up commenting on any video or news story that involves a fist fight or confrontation. He's quick to remind us of what a badass he is in the real world, and is quick to make physical threats ("You want to come to Jersey and say that to my face??!?!?!").
After spending his formative years settling disputes on high school football fields, he's desperate to be the same kind of bully online he is in the real world. But he's found himself in a strange realm where huge biceps don't seem to count for anything, and is having a tough time making the adjustment.
No, you can't punch people over an internet connection, Macho Man. We've tried it.
#6.The Great Defender
Typical Comment:
"I'd like to see you do any better. What have you ever done with your life? Stop judging people and let everyone be who they want to be because, in the end, isn't that what life is all about?"
(NOTE: This comment is usually followed by someone replying with a shatteringly eloquent: *&(
Who Are They?
The Great Defender sees himself or herself as a moral crusader, like a cross between Batman and Jesus. In reality they are more like a cross between Jeremy Piven and that annoying girl who always feels the need to inject herself into every conversation, at least long enough to let you know she holds the moral high ground.
Why We Hate Them:
Much like the Non-Believer up there, it's the knee-jerk nature of the Great Defender that's so annoying. You can have a YouTube video of a group of neo-Nazis shooting puppies out of a cannon, and the Great Defender will jump in with, "Wow you have to wonder what kind of trauma these guys had growing up that caused them to be so misguided. Some of you are so quick to judge."
That, or they may chime in with the much more annoying, "There are millions of starving children in the world, and you guys are getting worked up over some puppies?"
That seems to be the Great Defender's favorite weapon, which works on the premise that we're not allowed to get mad at anything as long as something worse is going on elsewhere.
You know what? If we want to be outraged, let us. That's why we watch those videos, it makes us feel better about ourselves. Sure, we may have stolen some movies off Bittorrent, but at least we didn't fire puppies out of a cannon while we were doing it.
#5.Mr. Science
Typical Comment:
"I think you'll find that when you mix pure Hydrogen with Oxygen you don't produce water (2H2O) as would be expected, you, in fact, create an explosion. So it is perfectly normal that this video shows an explosion during the attempted grafting of Helium (He) and Sodium (Na)."
Who Are They?
This guy knows everything about the laws that govern the known universe, even the stuff science hasn't figured out yet. He has an education, works in a lab (or claims to) and has devoted his extraordinary gifts to telling strangers on the internet that they are wrong.
Why We Hate Them:
This guy is the brainiac version of the Macho Man. His goal is not to inform others, but just to make it clear that he knows way, way more than them. This is the guy who stops an entire game of poker because you didn't "burn" the top card before the river."
There's of course a reason this guy is hanging out on YouTube instead of some forum full of other professionals. He gets off on being right so much that he actively seeks out the company of people who are chronically wrong.
He seems to be wholly unaware that showing up in the comments section under some retarded YouTube video is about as impressive as challenging a room full of kindergartners to a fight. Winning is almost as bad as losing.
#4.Hitler's Apprentice
Typical Comment:
"Damn spic, send him back to mexico!"
(NOTE: This is usually posted in a video about Mexicans actually in Mexico.)
Who Are They?
If you need to be told, then you are probably him. He's white, suburban, middle-class, and the only time he's been to the inner city was when Mom and Dad's SUV took a wrong turn in Atlanta because the GPS malfunctioned.
Why We Hate Them:
The internet has done wonders for racism. This guy probably never utters a racist word out in the real world, but once he can hide behind an avatar on the internet... BAM! Mr. KKK the Nazi Loving Aryan Prince rears his ugly head.
If the video or story or photo has a black person in it, this guy will be there unleashing all of the racial epitaphs he's been forced to bottle up while in polite society.
There is also a second tier of these guys who are slightly more educated, in the sense that they have memorized half a dozen highly suspect statistics that support their racism ("Blacks have smaller brains. It's not racist, it's true.") They don't mind that their views on race would have seemed old-fashioned about 40 years ago. They tell themselves they do it for the humor and shock value, which isn't much better since those jokes stopped being funny or shocking about 39 years ago.
#3.The Ninja
Typical Comment:
"your a *(&"
Who Are They?
This commenter is in and out in a flash, they will usually only post one comment, no more no less, just enough to get the job done. The ninja will lay in wait while some comment section argument rages. Then, just as everyone has stopped caring whether or not the new Harry Potter trailer looks stupid, the ninja will strike with such grace and precision that it will devastate everyone who stumbles across his comment, forever changing their lives.
Why We Hate Them:
Their style of drive-by insult is the sort of thing you can't get away with in real life, where poop-stirrers can get called out and often beaten. We can only imagine that he is sitting at home rubbing his hands, glowing in his accomplishment as he watches replies pile up for hours under a cheap insult it took him four seconds to type.
He sees himself as the internet equivalent of the Joker, spreading chaos for chaos' sake. He laughs maniacally towards the heavens, before breaking into a coughing fit and reaching for his asthma inhaler.
#2.The Political Activist
Typical Comment:
"How can you guys sit here and watch a video about two girls pooping into a cup when America is being turned into a Fascist police state?"
Who Are They?
These are almost always college kids who, in the last few months, have begun reading about politics. Unfortunately, all of their reading comes from inflammatory blogs and YouTube videos with techno background music and scary titles.
These guys have just now figured out that--gasp--there is corruption in politics, and now they're storming into every comment box they can find with guns blazing, ready to inform the rest of us about how the world really works.
Why We Hate Them:
Aside from the fact that these people have basically no real education on the topic, grossly exaggerate every issue and cling to every single conspiracy theory that comes along, they are by far the most in-your-face of all of the personalities on this list.
We almost wouldn't mind them if they aimed their comments at videos and articles that actually have something to do with politics. But these guys will inject their love for their favorite politician (ie, Ron Paul) under a YouTube video of a toddler on a trampoline. The only thing that makes us feel better is knowing most of them aren't old enough to vote.
#1.The Bot
Typical Comment:
"That video was FUNNY!!! For more funny videos visit www.fakesite.com/vn/TrojanHorseVirus.rar"
Who Are They?
"They" are not real, they are usually a computer that searches websites and creates fake accounts to post ads about bullshit websites that are often so riddled with spyware that even the pop-ups are enough to shoot sparks and hunks of melted plastic out of your PC.
Why We Hate Them:
Aside from the obvious (that we wanted funny videos but instead we got a load of midget porn spam and became the 10,000,001th victim of identity theft) there's the fact that these aren't always computer programs. Often they're employees who spend all day manually signing up to websites to post their spam. Regular Bots may screw up our computer. But the idea of humans that do this for a living is just depressing.
The thing is, it's even worse than the most annoying legitimate advertising, because these spammers don't even intend for you to click the link. They're just pasting in code because it helps their search engine rankings (you rank higher on Google when your URL appears on lots of other sites). That's why instead of some kind of enticing link to a product (which, hell, we might even enjoy, who knows) you often get a jumbled bunch of meaningless code meant purely to fool a search engine.
Argonaut
Jedi Master
Re: World's Saddest Internet Argument Techniques
These two are also great!
Cracked is right on target when it comes to stuff like this. Although they fail miserably when it comes to things like UFOs and conspiracies; they pretty much toe the party line in those areas.
That would be very helpful, I agree.
This excerpt explains a lot about why some people seem to change when online... But there must be SOMETHING else wrong with them, because a lot of people can empathize online just fine. Maybe the lack of nonverbal cues - along with anonymity - brings out traits which are usually suppressed, but still present. And maybe what most people consider "empathy" isn't really empathy. Why would true empathy depend on seeing body language and facial expressions?
Laura said:
These two are also great!
Cracked is right on target when it comes to stuff like this. Although they fail miserably when it comes to things like UFOs and conspiracies; they pretty much toe the party line in those areas.Laura said:
That would be very helpful, I agree.
EmeraldHope said:
This excerpt explains a lot about why some people seem to change when online... But there must be SOMETHING else wrong with them, because a lot of people can empathize online just fine. Maybe the lack of nonverbal cues - along with anonymity - brings out traits which are usually suppressed, but still present. And maybe what most people consider "empathy" isn't really empathy. Why would true empathy depend on seeing body language and facial expressions?
EmeraldHope
The Living Force
Re: World's Saddest Internet Argument Techniques
Maybe the internet is like alcohol, Argonaut.
Remember the saying, " A drunk man words are a sober mans thoughts" ?
Maybe the internet is like alcohol, Argonaut.
Remember the saying, " A drunk man words are a sober mans thoughts" ?
Argonaut
Jedi Master
Re: World's Saddest Internet Argument Techniques
That makes sense, yeah. The internet may lead to a similar lack of inhibitions. When I'm drunk I'm more talkative and less anxious, but my personality doesn't radically change. And it's the same when I'm online. But many people are like Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to drinking. Maybe a study could be done on this. Participants could be gotten drunk and then observed, to see if they display the same traits when drunk as they do online.
EmeraldHope said:
That makes sense, yeah. The internet may lead to a similar lack of inhibitions. When I'm drunk I'm more talkative and less anxious, but my personality doesn't radically change. And it's the same when I'm online. But many people are like Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to drinking. Maybe a study could be done on this. Participants could be gotten drunk and then observed, to see if they display the same traits when drunk as they do online.
truth seeker
The Living Force
Re: World's Saddest Internet Argument Techniques
This thread is hilarious!! Thanks so much everyone for contributing! It gave me a much needed laugh today. :)
This thread is hilarious!! Thanks so much everyone for contributing! It gave me a much needed laugh today. :)
Argonaut
Jedi Master
Re: World's Saddest Internet Argument Techniques
Another good one! Many of these are very covert and hard to catch, but "Topic Dilution" seems to be commonly tried here. That's what appeared to be a goal of that rofo6850 character in the Neanderthal discussion, for instance. I think these types can unknowingly help us out... Whenever they try their games, it may mean we're really getting somewhere on a topic.
Laura said:
Another good one! Many of these are very covert and hard to catch, but "Topic Dilution" seems to be commonly tried here. That's what appeared to be a goal of that rofo6850 character in the Neanderthal discussion, for instance. I think these types can unknowingly help us out... Whenever they try their games, it may mean we're really getting somewhere on a topic.
Alma.Innovadora
Dagobah Resident
Re: World's Saddest Internet Argument Techniques
And this?!!!... It may be a small example
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzKgRa46UhU
EDIT: If anyone speaks German, can also check if what the boy says is true.
And this?!!!... It may be a small example
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzKgRa46UhU
EDIT: If anyone speaks German, can also check if what the boy says is true.
