Comparing narcissism and narcissistically wounded

[foofighter]

You might also want to consider that your conclusions based on what you were seeing do not even fit the example. And what that means in the grander scheme of things.

Ok, you and others are hinting (if I get y'all right) that I am acting narcissistically here. And yes, I have issues with narcissism, and have been working with that for a long time, and it's a struggle every day to always keep it in mind. And I know you guys are aware of that too. But in this case I just can't see what it is that makes you think I am the one acting narcissistically, but you seem to do so, so if you could please spell it out that would be appreciated. If I have done so, I need to know, and I need to understand it, or else I can't do anything about it. Thank you.

 

[Beau]

Ok, you and others are hinting (if I get y'all right) that I am acting narcissistically here. And yes, I have issues with narcissism, and have been working with that for a long time, and it's a struggle every day to always keep it in mind. And I know you guys are aware of that too. But in this case I just can't see what it is that makes you think I am the one acting narcissistically, but you seem to do so, so if you could please spell it out that would be appreciated. If I have done so, I need to know, and I need to understand it, or else I can't do anything about it. Thank you.

I don't think you are acting narcissistic, but that you were failing to see the errors in your observations. When you wrote:

You are right, I was trying to make what I and my wife was seeing understandable, and in doing so extended our conclusions to something beyond our own example, which was taking it too far. I see that now.

What it sounded like you were saying was that you thought your conclusions were correct, in the example that you had given, but maybe wrong if taken "too far". I may be off, but that was how I interpreted it.

 

[foofighter]

I don't think you are acting narcissistic, but that you were failing to see the errors in your observations. When you wrote:

You are right, I was trying to make what I and my wife was seeing understandable, and in doing so extended our conclusions to something beyond our own example, which was taking it too far. I see that now.

What it sounded like you were saying was that you thought your conclusions were correct, in the example that you had given, but maybe wrong if taken "too far". I may be off, but that was how I interpreted it.

Ok, thanks, then it all makes sense (I think). Me and Starlight (my wife) have been rereading the thread, and talking about what you guys have been saying, and we think we understand now that we both are narcissistically wounded, but in the two opposite ways (me having the "perfect" thing going, and Starlight having the opposite issue as explained by T.C.). We are both projecting, but in different ways. Both ways amount to narcissism though, which is (we think) the point you have been making. Anart also made a number of good points which makes it clear that the difference is not in manifestation, but in possibility for change and recovery. Is that reasonably accurate you think?

 

[anart]

We are both projecting, but in different ways. Both ways amount to narcissism though, which is (we think) the point you have been making. Anart also made a number of good points which makes it clear that the difference is not in manifestation, but in possibility for change and recovery. Is that reasonably accurate you think?

Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm not comfortable commenting on that, not having had face to face interactions with you and your wife. I think, perhaps, the most valuable general question you might want to ask yourselves, and each other, concerns 'narcissistic supply'. A narcissist needs a 'supply' of energy/attention/food - and they'll exhaust any available supply, whether it takes weeks or a lifetime. The only other question that comes to mind is why do you think you are both narcissistically wounded? That's rhetorical - just something to consider since we can convince ourselves of all sorts of things when trying to make a relationship work.

My point is that one cannot overstate the value of questioning all of one's conclusions/motivations and understanding. Knowing how two people can form a feedback loop, it might be wise to keep your conclusions wide open, since you're likely missing quite a lot. I'm not suggesting going into details on a public forum, just that if you two are discussing yourselves with each other, there's a short supply of objectivity there. fwiw.

 

[Starlight]

'Narcissistically wounded' individuals are narcissists - they've learned that this is the way to survive and there is really no discernible difference between the 'wounded' and the 'core narcissist' as long as their behavior IS narcissistic.

Thank you Anart for pointing this out as now at least I begin to understand what is being "trapped in a mirror" and what it means. As stated earlier by Foofighter, we have been discussing a lot about this topic. And we have been comparing between us and among us of how we are and how we view others in search of ourselves in hope that we can be better and also to shed and unlearn the narcissistic characteristics that we have learned along the way. I find that it is very difficult to discard the "projections" that I do, for example since I have taken and bear responsibility since young, I cannot think that others do not take responsibility. Since I would "project" that others must be the "responsible person" too, it has brought me a lot of heartache and hardship. But as Anart had pointed out, this in itself is narcissistic. Both my husband and I need to be constantly aware of it and stop (though it is easier said than done).

I do understand that by just the two of us discussing and coming to a conclusion is not quite healthy and we do need more objective input on this matter. For that I am grateful that we can discuss it here in the Forum.

 

[Kasia]

An interesting interview on the narcissistic personality with Maria Hess Pd.D. on Shrink Rap Radio:

http://shrinkrapradio.com/46-the-narcissistic-personality/

 

[Menna]

The wounded would NEVER want to manipulate other people, so, putting themselves in everyone elses position, they cannot fathom how anyone else would want to. It just doesn't compute. And that is one of the main causes of continued misery for the narcissistically wounded.

The only difference I think is that a narcissistically wounded person may have more of a possiblity to change than a narcissist

.

If I may delve deeper into the first quote keeping the second quote in mind.

If and it's a big if the wounded realized what narcissism is - is able to see it in himself/his abuser/The world is able to label it and see examples of non narcissistic behavior see the contrast of the two and how damaging narcissism can be by coming to term with his own wounds and seeing how he has affected others and starts "The work" by doing away getting a handle on these adopted narcissistic tendencies and now acts more from a place of non narcissism then yes I would agree that person would not consciously want to narcissistically wound another. However and depending on the level of wounding even if one is more aligned towards non narcissism one can still act in narcissistic ways and wound another. Are you saying the main cause of misery for the narcissistic wounded is realizing that they were wounded? Personally I can handle that what troubles me at times is how my narcissistic tendencies have hurt others.