Currently in Distress

Evan

The Living Force
Somewhat better today. I’ve not posted here for awhile because my life has been fairly routine. Last Mondayevening however, I had an episode of hepatic encephalopathy during which I was altered mentally and unable to articulate answers to basic questions. I got the year wrong when asked by the EMT.

I was taken to the hospital where they did my bloodwork and immediately admitted me to the ICU. I woke up on Wednesday in soft restraints to the familiar kind face of Dr Tu, the resident of the ICU and Telemtry floors. I told him I had to pee and he held up the urine bag that demonstrated fairly certainly both that I was and had in fact been peeing the entire time, as well as explaining the soft restraints, which he then kindly removed.

By our second visit on Wednesday afternoon he was, as per usual, stunned by the how quickly I had reverted to my normal, lucid,, talkative, outgoing, friendly, funny self. Wednesday afternoon was also when my nurse brought me a phone so I could call my Wendy. She showed up a few hours later and brought my glasses, iPhone, and most importantly a pair of boxer briefs because I hate little, short hospital gowns!

Anyhoo I spent Thursday and Friday getting my three squares and my morphine with an adderall chaser (because as it turned out, there was a secondary issue: my electrolytes were out of whack, my heart rate was over 200 multiple times, and my blood pressure was hitting 180/122 hypertensive crisis levels). Turns out the methadone I’ve been taking for the past 3-4 years is now fatal if I keep taking it. I have an appointment with my pain management doctor on Wednesday. I also found a place called Aquatic Therapy of Los Alamitos, which is like a 5 minute walk from Wendy’s mom’s house which is about 11 minutes from our place. The irony of being a disabled person living 800 feet from the beach but can’t find it pretty to swim is at an end!

It still feels a little spacey and new, sort of like I’m readjusting to the gravity here, but it’s good, except for that Charlie Kirk thing, but I’ve spied it thread on that which I shall surely read. Well, time to go. Got a list of doctors to call, but I had to first check in with our community and share how I spent 9-11-2025 🙂❤️
 
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It still feels a little spacey and new, sort of like I’m readjusting to the gravity here, but it’s good, except for that Charlie Kirk thing, but I’ve spied it thread on that which I shall surely read. Well, time to go. Got a list of doctors to call, but I had to first check in with our community and share how I spent 9-11-2025
Oh gosh, hope you get it all sorted out and feel better soon! :hug2: ❤️ 🙏
 
Geeze Louise, @Evan what an ordeal! I hope that your doctor can get another pain med that can help a bit with the pain you suffer. And I really, really hope that the Aquatic Therapy helps, too, and hop you are able to enjoy it.

Thank you so much for letting us know what is happening with you. :hug:
 
Wow Evan, what an ordeal. Glad you recovered so quickly and I hope it continues until you feel all good again!
Many thanks for sharing, this is an important part of what Networking means.

If you ever need prayers or healing thoughts, we have a dedicated group in the FOTCM section for just that. Let us know and we'll add you. Big hugs :hug2:
 
Sorry to hear this Evan, jeez what an experience. Keep us posted once you’ve seen your pain management doctor- I hope they are able to help you with a more suitable medication. I wish you a speedy recovery and I’ll keep you in my prayers.
:hug:
 
Wow Evan, what an ordeal. Glad you recovered so quickly and I hope it continues until you feel all good again!
Many thanks for sharing, this is an important part of what Networking means.

If you ever need prayers or healing thoughts, we have a dedicated group in the FOTCM section for just that. Let us know and we'll add you. Big hugs :hug2:
Thank you for that @Alana! It’s a fine line to walk between networking and being self-indulgent, and I try to be thoughtful in that regard. So thank you again!

And gratitude to everyone for the prayers and well wishes! They make it worth sharing what would anywhere else be far too personal! I really do have mad love for this place and its community!
 
I have a confession. With all the reading I’ve done here and The Wave Series and everything, I’ve gotten pretty comfortable with the concept of death. However now that I’m seriously ill (decompensated liver disease), I’m finding myself weeping at the thought that all of the memories I have will evaporate. Those memories of my parents and what keeps them alive, for example. My old friend Karl, who played piano in our band, and died. I’m the only person who has heard his songs, his voice. I feel like I know and have done and seen so much. And when I’m gone, so all of that will be. That makes me incredibly sad. I have no family, no children. All of my family photos will end up in a garbage bin. Over. Gone. I don’t mind going. But the idea of all that getting erased breaks my heart.My third grade teacher still lives a five minute walk away from my house. She still vividly remembers me as an eight year old boy in her very first class. I still live in the same town I lived in since I was two. A lot of people know my name and recognize me on the street “Hey Ev, still playing in the band?” Every time. But they don’t have my memories. The erasure of my knowledge. My life. That’s making this harder than I ever imagined. I thought dying would be easy. Who knows? I might get another few awful, sick, painful years of doctors and nurses. Or maybe tonight I’ll just pass.

Anyway it’s a mess. I’m sorry for being a mess. I know this thread asks the question, but I don’t mean to turn it into a wailing rag. I’m just profoundly sad today. My pain management doctor gave me Hydromorphone (Dilauded) pills, and I can’t stand them. I had to quit on day three, and call him, telling him “Take them back. Find something else. I can’t take this.” Now I’m just sitting here in pain, feeling broken and needing to tell someone. You’re all I have, and I’m really glad you’re here! All of you. Hey @Gaby I got my DMSO cream! So mission accomplished!

Thanks for being here you guys!
 
(..)
Anyway it’s a mess. I’m sorry for being a mess. I know this thread asks the question, but I don’t mean to turn it into a wailing rag. I’m just profoundly sad today.
Evan, I can't imagine what it's like to be in your situation. I have a condition where I've experienced many types of pain, and it's undoubtedly very exhausting, the instigating mind becomes very intense and takes control. Of course, you have every right to be sad... I can only tell you not to let yourself be overwhelmed. There are always moments like this that you have to let pass and not get caught up in. Perhaps the physical pain is your excuse to help you drain that deep fear you talk about...
Today's doubts and darkness may seem silly in the light of tomorrow... I wish you the best, and take care.
 
Really sorry to hear @Evan.
I believe that is part of the lessons we have to learn here on 3D, attachment. Attachment to people, things, souvenirs...
I am right now in my bed thinking about tomorrow and trying to understand how i would feel if I loose my son (dreadful circumstances happened today, out of my hand) .
I have learnt that I am not responsible for his choices, that I shouldn't decide/plan for his life.
Also that The Cosmic Mind has plans for him which I can't comprehend.

The Cs reiterated many times that there are no losses just lessons to learn.
Sometimes, when for a few seconds, I can grab and hold the concept in my mind, I feel light, free and happy and then sadly I fall back to my 3D thinking and fear.

I wish you lots of strength, not in holding on to things but strength to release everything which is holding on to you.
Nothing else but "all there is, is lesson "
Take good care of yourself.
Good night
 
Thanks for that, both of you. Non-attachment to things I can live with. It’s just me being melancholic. I’m not letting it overwhelm me. I think experiencing sadness is a lesson in itself. I’m trying to observe myself objectively: “It’s crying now. It’s sad about these things disappearing with it.” But inside my machine, things are really off. It’s like I’m in an aquarium. Everywhere I hear whooshing like I’m under water. I don’t know if I should go to the hospital. My blood pressure is normal, but these audio hallucinations are making me feel detached. It’s like my machine is floating in a version of my home. I’m wandered around like Ozzy, walking offline with my hands searching for the walls. I’m just not entirely convinced I’m here. I’m having a bad acid trip without the acid. My gait is wonky. I feel drunk. Could my ammonia levels be getting too high again? If that were the case I wouldn’t be able to type. I’d be altered. But I’m still here. I’m not scared or anything. Just kind of in a wonderment. It’s all kinds of weird and strange.
 
Hey Ev, words, experiences and knowledge that you've shared here will still be recorded.

Also, perhaps, when you feel better you could also think about a blog where you'd store your memories, photos and history? If it gets too difficult to type, you could record your voice and have AI transcribe it. At some point the blog content could be turned into a book... Maybe that would lift your mood, having a mission often helps. Just an idea, FWIW.

Wishing you strength and healing. Don't lose faith, future is open.
 
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