Currently in Distress

[Mrs. Peel]

I don’t know if I should go to the hospital.

Better to err on the side of caution if you feel any worse, especially if you are alone and have no one to call an ambulance for you.

 

[Evan]

Better to err on the side of caution if you feel any worse, especially if you are alone and have no one to call an ambulance for you.

Well I’m sure if I start to seize or something crazy, Wendy will call or stuff me in the car. The very difficult truth is that the meds they gave (the Hydromorphone) really did a number on me. I was a real asshole, and I’m afraid that I blew up or beautiful life. She hasn’t talked to me since the other night, but she said she’s leaving. Now I’m just sitting here trying to figure out if that’s really going to happen, or she’s cooling off. I don’t want to be alone in this house we spent so much time and money furnishing together. Our entire lives are here. I can’t keep paying the rent on my disability, and there’s nowhere and no one who’s can or will help me move out and put my things into storage. And store it for what? My guitars and amps, my music recordings. I can only hope Wendy will change her mind. But right now I’m just crashing. I’m just trying to breathe through it and not let it break me. I’m sorry. I should stop. I’m just making a lot of noise right now.

 

[iamthatis]

Well I’m sure if I start to seize or something crazy, Wendy will call or stuff me in the car. The very difficult truth is that the meds they gave (the Hydromorphone) really did a number on me. I was a real asshole, and I’m afraid that I blew up or beautiful life. She hasn’t talked to me since the other night, but she said she’s leaving. Now I’m just sitting here trying to figure out if that’s really going to happen, or she’s cooling off. I don’t want to be alone in this house we spent so much time and money furnishing together. Our entire lives are here. I can’t keep paying the rent on my disability, and there’s nowhere and no one who’s can or will help me move out and put my things into storage. And store it for what? My guitars and amps, my music recordings. I can only hope Wendy will change her mind. But right now I’m just crashing. I’m just trying to breathe through it and not let it break me. I’m sorry. I should stop. I’m just making a lot of noise right now.

It's not noise, my friend. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. A debilitating illness, a potential breakup and maybe death - that you're feeling sad in the face of such an intense storm is perfectly natural and normal. Share all you need to - no one is judging you. Our success and efficiency oriented culture is both emotionally dead and death-phobic, and the result is that many of us are grief-illiterate. We know very little about loss, about death, about grief. So it's okay to feel what you're feeling right now - especially with the new medication throwing things off. It's not easy being in 3D.

I found that the most important thing for me at times like this to dip into the IFS approach - to practice a kind of radical acceptance of what I'm feeling. It has been really helpful for me during really difficult times to have a guide to help me process:

In the vid, Schwartz talks about his own revelation process as a therapist. A client was involved in self-harm, and he tried to forcibly remove the emotional 'part' of the psyche who was involved with cutting. The client returned to the next session with even more self-inflicted wounds. The psyche had reacted to his aggressive approach. He realized he was hurting people in a therapy based on denial. I think a lot of us do this to ourselves.

This lead him to develop the idea that there are 'no bad parts' - each emotional-mental complex is there for a reason and serves an important function for a time. Accepting these 'bad parts' is what allows us to transcend them. Full acceptance of all our parts - in particular the shadowy ones that we were trained to reject - is the aim.

When the difficult parts of our psyche are honoured and listened to, they can transform from controlling or constricting forces to supportive and encouraging ones. It can result in some really profound experiences of emotional healing.

The video finishes with a brief meditative exercise, where he leads participants through the process. Perhaps it may be of some assistance to you right now.

And remember - the ripples you've made here will never truly fade. As a living being, as a Soul incarnated, you are interwoven into the fabric of All and Everything. Death doesn't change that. You've undoubtedly added your own unique notes to the crazy, beautiful harmony of Love, Light and Knowledge that we call living. That song never fades, and neither will you.

From Stephen Jenkinson's book Die Wise:

“What does it take to get us to stand quietly, like somebody under a clear midnight sky, taking all of it in, stilled by the staggering pitch and pull of life? Things going well doesn’t seem to help with this. Good fortune isn’t persuasive on this matter, and it rarely gives people pause. It’s when the news isn’t good news; that’s usually the time you find the limits of what you can bear to know. Then, maybe only then, you might be able to see that the waves of what you believed and did and held off from doing will still have their ripples, long after you’re done. They outlast you. And this is tremendous news. When you are still enough for long enough, sometimes the river, the boat, and the waves and eddies—all of it—can turn into what you mean when you say, “My Life.” If you can do that, you can change things. Your life becomes a little friendlier to the world, to what the world needs from you. It becomes a little friendlier to the endings of things too.”

I hope you can find that sense of something 'a little friendlier' as all this unfolds.

 

[Possibility of Being]

Now I’m just sitting here trying to figure out if that’s really going to happen, or she’s cooling off. I don’t want to be alone in this house we spent so much time and money furnishing together. Our entire lives are here.

Sitting there is not going to help anyone. Go and kneel in front of her and apologize. Really apologize. And apologize again. If you love her.

 

[Evan]

Sitting there is not going to help anyone. Go and kneel in front of her and apologize. Really apologize. And apologize again. If you love her.

She’s sleeping. Truth be told I’ve done it a thousand times. She doesn’t want to hear me talk right now. I wrote her the following the morning after:

My Dearest,

In a life where every day is the same as the last, and the next, I am grateful. I’m grateful for the sight of you sleeping in your bed, the sound of your little waking chattering with the baby (our cat), and for the first daily sight of your smile. Without those things, this life, with its pain, its illness, its mundane day to day sameness, there is no light. There is only sadness and surrender. I’m so deeply remorseful of my many fatal flaws; so very despairing of the pain they bring to you; the hurtful impact upon your life and spirit. I cannot ask for forgiveness or beg for yet another chance to be someone I’ve repeatedly proven incapable of becoming. I can only hope that you will know, beneath it all, that my love for you is and always has been as real and true as anything I’ve ever believed in. The idea that you’re prepared to go is something that I cannot express in words. I can only hope, not ask, but hope that you’ll find a way to move forward without moving away. Not from me. Please, my sweet, don’t let me push you away until I’m in the dark. Please let there be some other way to stay in the light with you.

 

[forest_light]

Hey Evan. Just take some slow breaths, brother.
Whatever will be, will be, it's how you use your time and experience to be in the present moment and continue to remain present (not catastrophising) and go with the flow, in tandem with the awareness that comes from within. You and Wendy are both hurting deeply, trying to cope with the current situation and there is great overwhelm for you both; this situation has been very challenging for you both for a long time. This woman loves you, otherwise I feel she would have bailed long ago.

It's late at night where you are. You are probably pretty exhausted after your medication episode and all these powerful emotions and worrying. I think it would help to focus on getting as much rest and balance as possible in terms of your own mind, what is happening within yourself, get the wheels in your head to slow down and try your hardest to stop catastrophising. I know it's not easy, but you are digging a very deep hole for yourself and it will be harder to clamber out of that later.

This too, dear brother, shall pass.

Was thinking, could you do one of Laura's meditations just to help ground and centre yourself, get your breath and heart rate as calm as possible? Might help you sleep (and receive some guidance in your dreams if you ask for it?)

I’m finding myself weeping at the thought that all of the memories I have will evaporate.

As a soul, every single thing you have experienced/done/said/thought etc is witnessed and recorded beyond this reality. You are seen in ways you cannot even begin to dream of, in terms of seeing and knowing yourself. Nothing about your experiences/memories will evaporate (even though there may be some things you might even feel you wanted to erase!) . How do you think that when we pass back into our more expanded state when we transition, our soul gets to review/re-experience not only our own journey and actions but also (just as importantly) the perspective of other souls we have connected/interacted with? (positive / negative).

And as others have shared here, you are connected to many souls you have connected with through your life, as well as through this beautiful tribe; you are seen, you are loved and witnessed - not only by souls here, but also by those beyond this realm. Much of what you worry about and hyper focus on will likely seem very unimportant when you are finally in a more expanded state, but for now, while in your 3D body, this is the only 'reality' you can - on a practical level - give your attention to, for the most part. So, I gently encourage you to make that attention count, as best you can - under these very trying circumstances.

Right now you are hurting powerfully on a multitude of levels and struggling to see what comes next, frantically flailing around and REALLY stressing yourself out. Those meds haven't helped and the fallout has been pretty shocking for you both; that's hard for you and it's also really hard for Wendy to witness and cope with.

Take loving action to care for yourself, Evan. If you feel you need medical support (it kinda sounds like it), please reach out.
You deserve powerful support.

Pain does terrible things to us - in turn we can do and say terrible things.
But that is not the truth of WHO we are.



A gentle hug to you...
and prayers of light-love-knowledge to support you, as you journey forward.

 

[naorma]

During the last 2 weeks I did not feel well. I was suffering from this "problem":


But today when cleaning up my pictures on the laptop I found this one which cheered me up!

 

[Gaby]

I’m seriously ill (decompensated liver disease),

My pain management doctor gave me Hydromorphone (Dilauded) pills, and I can’t stand them.

Hello Evan,

I know it feels very real for you, but consider that morphine is discouraged in decompensated liver disease because its metabolism is in the liver, and it crosses readily the blood brain barrier. It's like having a bad trip on steroids. It's like someone pushed your buttons to the maximum.

Drink some vitamin C to help detox. Your thoughts and feelings might gain perspective.

 

[Arwenn]

I’m sorry to hear about these issues, it’s been a rough few days for you Evan. There are some lovely replies above, I just wanted to second trying to repair the situation with Wendy without any attachment to the outcome.

Think what can you do actively this time to ensure that things will be different. And then do them. It may be a work in progress, but the effort to change will be noticed. Keep on networking and hang in there- we are here for you.

 

[Nienna]

I’m finding myself weeping at the thought that all of the memories I have will evaporate.

I'm not sure in which way you meant this. Do you mean that you will forget all of the memories you have now when you pass, or that nobody else will have your memories of others that you have? If the former, who says that you won't continue to have those memories when you pass. I'm pretty sure you will retain those memories.

If the latter, then share those memories with everyone you can. As was mentioned before, start a blog of substack and share them there.

Anyway it’s a mess. I’m sorry for being a mess.

I'm sorry that after everything else you have gone through you are going through this. Maybe it has to do with the med they had you on and you stopped. Take Gaby's advice and get some vitamin C in you. And not just a few milligrams. Take as much as you can tolerate.

I don’t know if I should go to the hospital.

If you are feeling this bad, then I would say, yes, go to the hospital.

As for Wendy, I'd take Possibility of Being's advice if I were you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Evan.

 

[T.C.]

Hi Evan. I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through and how you’re feeling. But where have you gotten this idea from that everything you experienced and all your memories will be lost?

 

[Don Cesar]

@Evan, thoughts, prayers and strength for you my friend.

 

[Chu]

Poor Evan! Hang in there! Go to the hospital if you need to, and communicate with Wendy if you can! Regardless of the outcome she chooses, it's good to do so.

Do you have a good treatment going forward?

 

[seve]

@evan,Your situation sums up the drama of the human condition. You are in the eye of the storm and everything is in turmoil. Hold on to your spiritual knowledge; this is the moment when we must surpass ourselves and defy suffering. My heart goes out to you. And also, I really like your sense of humor! After the storm, I hope there will be the calm of a clear Californian sky.

 

[bianca etezete]

@Evan your note to Wendy almost made me cry. I really pray and hope she stays with you!