Dealing with covert bullying

[Arwenn]

Hi Arwenn,

For both the child and the parents, it is absolutely gut wrenching to go through, and yes, you are correct that the school is generally useless. In my experience they will usually try to avoid labeling the bully, calling it a conflict so that both children are held to be equally responsible. And usually the bullies will have their friends lined up to back up their lies, so it is truly frustrating to even get the school to acknowledge the problem, let alone do anything about it. However, it is still a good idea to inform the school, as the teachers may pay more attention to what is going on and that your complaint is on the record in case it escalates.

I sure feel your pain, and I know how very difficult this type of situation is. Talking to the parents of the bullies is also pretty useless, they simply won't believe their child is bullying anyone!

I did speak to the Deputy Principal last year, and he really was useless. Thought those kids were all nice kids and he just thought they needed time to settle in, being the first year in High School and all that. Also if those kids know that I have approached the school about their behaviour, they will just up the ante and go more covert. And yes, it is totally gut wrenching. I just don't understand how people of any age can get enjoyment form another person's suffering. Ringleader is a single child who lives with his mother, and I recall his mother saying that he likes to win when playing footy, because he is not really good at school or anything else. She would never believe that he was a bully and it would be useless talking to her.

 

[Arwenn]

I really feel helpless. I know they will just get worse if I go talk to the school. He doesn't have a solid group behind him to feel confidant in confronting the ring-leader. It is also a very small town, and ring leader has older cousins who are also thug-looking footy players, and I'd hate for them to gang up on my boy sometime when he is skating or hanging out with the few friends he does have. These guys are clever in that they present such an innocent face to the teachers, but out of their sight they spread rumors about my son and work to try and twist people against him. And I find kids these days thrive on drama, so long as they are not the object of it all, who cares!

Well, in today's world, this sort of thing can - and often does - escalate with horrible results. Under similar circumstances, I pulled my son out of school, home-schooled him for awhile, and then sent him to a different school.

Another option is to get the names of the bullies and see an attorney about a restraining order or a lawsuit. Unfortunately, it is sometimes necessary in this day and age. Back in the old days, you would just talk to the other parents and they would handle it, but nowadays, people are so ponerized, that seldom works. Kids are more and more psychopathic and you just can't brush it off as "just being kids" anymore.

Thanks Laura, I will keep that in mind. There is another high school in the area, so I will keep that option open also. If I didn't have to work, I think I would home school the kids. The amount of scaffolding I have to do with them at home is ridiculous! They get given the lamest assignments that are totally time wasting and clearly do not enrich their minds (nor is it designed to- the gubberment just want drones). After being told repeatedly that plagiarism was bad, we were looking over some of my son's notes on the skeletal/muscular system, we discovered that the teacher had copied straight out of Wikipedia. She didn't even bother to change some of the words. Then they get useless assignments where 1/2 the marks are given to presentation and 'pretty' the project looks. Seriously?!!!

 

[Arwenn]

Yeah, it's pretty difficult though probably very common situation. For how long he'll have to attend this school? Is putting him into another local school would be an option? Are there any other local schools around?

After this year (our schooling system goes from Jan-mid Dec), he has 4 more years. There is another high school here, but the mind-set of the kids and the people in this town and the adjacent one, don't give me much hope that things will be much different. It might be a case of same crap, different shovel. But it is an option.

 

[Arwenn]

I can exactly relate to your son, Arwenn, because as a girl I had to undergo a similar ordeal which spiked especially in 8th to 9th grade. And I was not the only one in my cohort. This happened back in the Nineties, but school environments seemed to have become much worse since then. Someone told me recently that many young people don't want to become teachers anymore due to this.

And I agree with manitoban, that this behavior often doesn't get labelled as it is: bullying. In my time the common consensus was: ''Kids can be cruel. But in order of not remaining a victim one should stop being so sensitive and learn to fight back.'' Which is shifting the responsibility to the victim, not to the perpetrators where it belongs. Though there is more awareness about sociopathy and psychopathy nowadays, many still deny these phenomenons - especially when it comes to children. They are generally seen as 'sweet and innocent'. And especially psychopathic kids can feign such an impression.

One possibility would be - where I agree with other commenters here - to move your son to another school. Maybe in a neighboring town, where the bullies cannot influence things that much, if possible.

Another tool which I have often seen suggested over the internet would be a so-called "bullying journal". For example, your son would recount every occurrence in a journal, with time and date. What happened and when. It would be for the record, especially if you showed it to others who could give you assistance.

Also, is it possible to get into contact with the parents of the children your son used to hang out with but who have been pulled in line by the ring leader? Maybe these children have some data about the bullies' behavior as well, which could reinforce the experiences of your son.

However, in this case a good strategic enclosure will do well, so that no information would seep through to the bullies.

What you wrote is so true. These kids that are insecure and feel the need to put others down because they are threatened somehow, paint such an innocent face to the authorities. They really know how to work it. And the teachers/principals just don't want to have to acknowledge that there is an issue, because that then means that they would actually have to do something about it. While I have come across some exemplary teachers her, they are few and far between- most of them are council workers in an education setting and would prefer to do as little as possible.

I don't really know the other kids' parents that well, and trying to seek them out and speak to them would only stir the pot. These kids are happy to be obedient sheep, and idolize this kid because, well he runs fast and can catch a ball.

 

[Arwenn]

I think in a small town it makes it even harder for you and I feel for you with this extremely trying situation. It is very difficult to know the best course of action so you don't make it any worse for your son. Also when the kids pick on him in class hasn't the tutor noticed or are they all so clever as to hide it? Is it not possible to speak to the school head in private to discuss the situation. You can make them aware first without demanding any action to see if they have any ideas how to handle the bullying.

I would do that and then dependent on their response decide what action to take. Arwenn can I also ask how your son has coped with this emotionally and what effects you have noticed in him since the bullying started?

Those kids are not in his class- he is in the top class which has about 30 kids- 5 (including him) are boys, the rest are all girls. The boys in his class are fine, but they don't have the same interests outside of school as he does. 3 of them are in his soccer team which is great, but they don't hang together in the playground.

In terms of how he copes, we find talking about it helps, trying to come up with a strategy of what to say and do around these kids. I made him some flower essences, and my son keeps himself busy. Over winter we had soccer and training was twice a week. Early this year he also started martial arts. He is loves music& is learning to play guitar and keyboard. He will look up how to play a song he likes, and practice it (fun when your kid has an electric guitar with an amp!). We recently applied for jobs, and he was successful in getting a job at the local major hardware retailer. I am hoping that just being around older people and a different social milieu at work, will help him. So, one step at a time, but I am still on edge because keeping busy is still not a solution to dealing with these idiots.

 

[Arwenn]

Sorry to hear your son is going through that. Unfortunately it is par for the course in modern schools. I've been on both the receiving and giving end as a young teenager and it filled me with a lot of self-esteem issues and regrets.

As others have said, a new school and a fresh start, possibly a break in between, would be good. Once you're pegged as a victim it is very difficult to get out of that dynamic. Does he do any martial arts or any sport or other such activities that would develop confidence? Getting good at sport generally makes you much less of a target for bullying. IMO Anything that helps HIM get through this instead of Mum coming to the rescue is the best option. He needs to develop the attitude that these are just a bunch of weak haters and cowards ganging up on him, and his core self-value doesn't depend on their approval.

Thanks for your input Carl. Yeah he plays soccer, and he loves it. One of the top teams tried to poach him to their team, but he was not interested in ditching his soccer mates, he was chuffed that they wanted him though. He is learning martial arts too, but I'm not sure that that helps him feel confident in a street fight. The thing that would help him develop a strong sense of self-confidence would be having a group of loyal friends. Then I don't think he'd give a crap, because he realises these guys are a bunch of tossers.

 

[Arwenn]

So sorry Arwenn that your son has to go through this You must feel very helpless, and as others have said, it is a terrible thing and especially so in today's age.

The bullying is insidious-by that I mean it's not overt in the physical sense. It's a gang of them that will call him names as he walks past, criticizes his hair, shoes, socks, school bag etc etc Basically just wanting to wear him down, attack his self-confidence. The saddest thing is that 'friends' that were in his group that used to hang out (heck I had these children sleep over, fed them & looked after them for goodnes sake!) went over to the other group and ganged up on him. So now he just hangs out with 2 or 3 boys, and they too at times can be mean. Recently he had started to make friends with some of the followers who happen to be in his music class, and ring-leader saw that and pulled them into line. Now they are being utterly horrible to my son in that class simply because Simon Said So. Jeez, talk about sheep.

Unfourtunately, I don't have any practical advice, but what you describe seems like a textbook example of what is talked about in the book "The Empathy Trap: Understanding Antisocial Personalities". There's a sott radio show about it here and I can highly recommend the book. Maybe it can help you and your son to understand the underlying dynamics and provide you some inspiration on how to deal with the situation.

Personally, I have both been bullied on occasions and on other occasions became what in the book is described as an 'apath', i.e. the ones who get sucked into the bullies' games and become accomplices, even just by doing nothing. It's an insidious dynamic... Wish you and your son much strength!

Thanks luc, I have listened to that show, but I haven't read the book. Will add that to my list. Apath sounds about right, in describing the sheep who are the accomplices even if they do nothing.

Are there any other children that are also receiving similar treatment you know of?

When my daughter was about that age there were a lot of problems being caused by one boy in particular for her and a few of the other kids in her class. We ended up arranging a meeting with the school head for a group of parents to all go at the same time to discuss what was going on (there were five of us there I think) which gave it extra weight. Things did improve, not entirely, but it was something and the staff knew to watch the boy in question after that.

Does the school have a mentoring system, where the kids can go talk with someone older? That might help too, just to have an understanding ear for a few minutes at school when he needs it.

I think they say mean things to the followers lower down the pecking order, but from what I gather those lesser in the hierarchy are happy to still feel like they are part of the 'It' crowd, so they would not label it as bullying. My son has been talking to some other kids in Year 10. They only have a term left before they leave for senior campus in Year 11, but at least it is another group of people he can talk to. I think because he has grown up around his older sister who is quite mature for her age, he really needs the company of some mature people. The kids in his year are terribly immature and he just doesn't relate to them. However, this might be a good exercise in strategic enclosure and external considering for him.

 

[luc]

Hi Arwenn,

I noticed that you said twice you "don't want to stir the pot" - I think this is quite understandable, if I was in your position, I would feel the same I think. I just want to say that sometimes "stir the pot" is the right thing to do, so you shouldn't exclude this possibility. Not to say that this is necessarily the right thing in your situation, but if you consider your options rationally and come to the conclusion that some action is warranted, I'd say don't exclude this option out of fear (if you think that fear /be nice programs might be in the way, that is).

From my school years, I remember one particularly nasty bully who got taken down by a few parents standing up - sometimes someone just got to start standing up I think. I think he also was a little violent, which made it easier, but still - me too I was bullied by him (though I wasn't the main target) in similar ways as your son (nasty comments etc.), so in this case, the system worked thanks to some parents.

Also, while it's true that most teachers are useless, there are always some decent ones, maybe it's worth identifying them and talking to them? Is there something like a school counselor, psychological consultant or "trusting teacher", as it was called in my school? But official functions aside, if there is one empathetic teacher who has a track record in making efforts to help in such situations (regardless of whether he/she has anything to do with your son), this might be the right person to talk to confidentially as a first step. - Just some further thoughts.

 

[Woodsman]

Sadly, this whole reality is one big school of hard knocks.

I was bullied a lot in school, and my own mechanism for survival worked. Sort of. I came out angry, and it wasn't until my 30's that I managed to deal with that, -with the help of a really good mirror.

On the one hand, your son is encountering the sorts of forces which will continue to operate out in the adult world, -though masked somewhat. Learning how these sorts of forces work in a semi-monitored environment where he has you and family support can help prepare him.

On the other hand, there is a huge possibility of psychological impairment which can follow him for the rest of his life.

Knowledge is very helpful. It might be useful to offer him the kinds of resources available on this forum to help understand the nature of the difficulties he is facing so that it's not one giant confusing, painful mess. Gustave Le Bon's book about crowd psychology, "The Crowd: A Study of the Popular Mind" (recommended elsewhere by Laura) is a quick read which might help serve as a beginning point. Knowing the nature of the beast can temper things, and provide a way to separate himself from the social soup to a degree.

I would rather be able to offer some sort of concrete solution, but sadly I am not able to other than voice my support for your situation.

Also.., I notice that sometimes, perhaps even often, it is the brightest lights with the most potential to have a positive impact on the world later in life who are targeted for this kind of activity. Your help may be more important than is immediately evident, so it is encouraging that you have taken note of his situation and are moved to want to do something about it.

Hugs.

 

[Konstantin]

There is not much else to say about this .
I have been through this in my high school , maybe not on a such a scale but it still hurts. And I have trying to ignore, to try to not to be close to them but it never worked.
The only thing that can give some results is to acknowledge that it is happening and not to try to solve it by ignoring them. Maybe you as a parent you can talk to their parents and tell them that if that dynamic will continue that you will hire a lawyer to solve this on the court.
Then maybe their parents will be more aware of the behavior of their children and see how they really are
This is what I would do if I were in your place

I`m a witness of a similar dynamic between 7-8-year-old children in my street and it is horrible.

Take care

 

[Siberia]

I'm sorry to hear about the suffering of your son, Arwenn.

I haven't experienced it myself during school time, but I witnessed similar behavior among the boys of our class. It really hurts to see such cruelty. Back then I couldn't do much about it as I was a child myself, but luckily our teachers weren't silent and tried to thwart such abuse. At least we could always complain to our teachers and they would listen to us and try to help.

There's a lot of good advice in this thread and I second the idea to try and speak to the school's officials. Or maybe even send an official complain to the school by recorded delivery asking for their help. This way they will not be able to ignore your request (as in the case of a casual talk) because it's an official document. FWIW

You know, what I have learned about those bullies is that in most cases they are actually cowards. They only appear "strong" and "confident" when there's no adult around who can stop them. I often witness a company of 2 or 3 boys bullying their classmate in the street. But when I approach and start scolding them, I usually see shock and fear in their eyes when they hear the word "police", for example. And they usually retreat rather quickly.

As others have suggested, I would also try to talk either to the bullies themselves and warn them about possible legal consequences of their behavior, or to their parents, or both.

If nothing helps then changing the school would be another option to consider. Hope things improve fr you and your son very soon.

 

[Laura]

I think the most important things are to 1) set an example of proactive efforts to solve the problem; 2) let your child know that you ARE their advocate. I had to deal with such and similar things when my kids were growing up and I think it helped them to learn that when something is wrong, you don't just sit around and say nothing or do nothing. But also, you have to act strategically. I wrote letters with cc to bunches of people, had my atty send letters, had meetings with the principals, teachers, school board, etc. when necessary. My kids knew that I wasn't going to sit around and do nothing if they were suffering.

 

[Seppo Ilmarinen]

Also, while it's true that most teachers are useless, there are always some decent ones, maybe it's worth identifying them and talking to them? Is there something like a school counselor, psychological consultant or "trusting teacher", as it was called in my school? But official functions aside, if there is one empathetic teacher who has a track record in making efforts to help in such situations (regardless of whether he/she has anything to do with your son), this might be the right person to talk to confidentially as a first step. - Just some further thoughts.

I agree. And if it's possible to recognize other kids who're being bullied and team up with their parents, there might be better chance to get the attention for the situation (even if they'd be different bullies). Also what Laura suggested about attorney and lawsuit would imo give strong message, if nothing else seems to work. In the end it may be better to change school if things don't change, osit.

Usually bullies don't understand reasonable talk but some kind of setback that'll make bullying more difficult, e.g confrontation by the parent/teachers/any authority, teachers giving detention/extra work, their own parents getting angry, a threat of getting bullied back, or not recognizing anymore the vulnerabilities in bullied person.

It's so sad that usually the school environment doesn't take proper measures against this issue - at worst bullying can have devastating effect on the victim.

 

[Aiming]

I'm sorry to hear your son has to go through this, Arwenn. It's horrific how ponerized this system has become that psychopathic behaviour even among kids has become the new norm.

I think it's really good advice to start becoming proactive about this and take a stand for your son, albeit not in a way to teach him that others come to his rescue, but in teaching him by living example that these situations require action and how they can be solved, and above all, your action will show him that he's not alone in this, that you care about his well-being and protection. In this way, he'll feel emotionally supported, and learn how to deal with it himself when similar situations come up for him in life. As we've learned here, one of the big lessons on this BBM is to learn about the existence of pathological people and their enablers, their tactics, and how to protect yourself and others. So I second the suggestion to give your son material to read and then discuss it with him.

Usually bullies don't understand reasonable talk but some kind of setback that'll make bullying more difficult, e.g confrontation by the parent/teachers/any authority, teachers giving detention/extra work, their own parents getting angry, a threat of getting bullied back, or not recognizing anymore the vulnerabilities in bullied person.

Yes, they can only operate in the dark, as long as others keep shoving it under the rug and make excuses, looking the other way so as not having to deal with something 'uncomfortable'. So it's important to not let them get away with it; after all, there will also be other kids these bullies are going to target, so it's best for all involved if the principal and teachers get alerted to what's going on, even if eventually it might turn out that changing schools is the best option for your son.

 

[Arwenn]

The bullying is insidious-by that I mean it's not overt in the physical sense.

Non physical bullying can result in deep wounds too. The explosion in cyber bullying by social media in particular has beeen quite devastating imo.

I know they will just get worse if I go talk to the school.

Why would it get worse by talking to the school? They should have a written strategy for bullying, and surely need to made aware of this serious situation. As Alada said, perhaps there are other children being bullied too. If so, other parents may feel less 'helpless' knowing they are not isolated.

There is more 'weight' behind a group of course, but even as an individual I would contact the school, with as much documented information as possible, and record absolutely everything. Your son has a right to feel safe at school, emotionally and physically.

After pursuing that route, look at alternatives such as different schools, home education, restraining orders etc.

As parents we have a duty to mitigate such appalling behavior as best we can - but our children will always come across similar forms of attack, in the workplace or relationships etc.

Some great points AnamCara, thank you for your input. It is hard to know what to do, but I think you are right, in that if I at least draw the school's attention to what is happening, they can never say they were unaware of it all. It will also help to have some documentation too, if it does need to go the legal pathway. By make it worse, I mean that if they find out I have been in to see the school about them, the can make the bullying worse and tease him about his mum fighting his battles. The bullying make get worse in the sense of being more covert. I will begin recording absolutely everything that occurs as well.

Thanks you all for your input, I really appreciate it.