Dilemmas with Recapitulation and Clearing up my Karma

[FireShadow]

If I understand recapitulation, it seems very similar (if not exactly) like "doing one's personal inventory" as described in 12-Step programs.

Recapitulation (http://glossary.cassiopaea.com/glossary.php?id=637&lsel=)

This is a technique of inner work described by Castaneda. Recapitulation involves making a list of all persons with whom one has interacted throughout one's life and remembering in vivid detail any places one has been to, situations one has experienced and so forth. This may involve traveling to places, keeping a journal of memories, written notes etc.

The idea of recapitulation is to free oneself from one's past through bringing it to consciousness. This is similar to the idea of modern psychotherapy but recapitulation is primarily to be done as a private exercise.

Recapitulation seeks to integrate all aspects of memory, a bit like self-remembering seeks to integrate all aspects of a present moment. The technique stimulates memory and associations and may offer interesting material for self-observation in the form of discovering surprising networks of apparently unrelated associations.

As with such techniques in general, effects are liable to vary greatly between individuals.

Doing one's personal inventory is similar, but one approaches it through emotions and "character defects" (i.e. pride, greed, laziness, etc).

To start, one makes a list of resentments (as these are probably right there on top of your consciousness). It is then suggested to review each resentment to determine one's own part (however small) in the creation of the resentment. Repeat with anger, fears, etc.

Then, for a different perspective, make a list of "the seven deadly sins" (pride, gluttony, lust, greed, sloth, etc). For each one, try to think of specific instances when you exhibited the trait. (i.e. Ask yourself when you have been prideful.)

It seems to me that integrating recapitulation with a personal inventory could be helpful. As I have done several inventories over the years, I can say that it does produce results in taking responsibility for one's life and emotions. And, as I have difficulty with remembering in sequence, recapitulation may have the added benefit of helping with that.

This past year, I have been trying to write "My Story" as a sort of recapitulation. It has stimulated a sort of personal inventory as it has brought to mind a few issues of shame that I have been carrying around.

One example from a previous post of mine (http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=11040.msg84385#msg84385):

I used to be very close to a second cousin of mine...A few years ago, I moved and lost contact with her (my fault entirely, I got caught up in our 24/7 taxicab business) and because I was later "too embarrassed" about it, I procrastinated contacting her at all.

I have felt ashamed of this ever since.

The 12-Step program goes on to suggest making a list of "all persons we have harmed" and later to "make amends except when to do so would injure them or others". As I have practiced these steps in the past with positive results, I have every reason to believe that they will work again.

And so, as I said in the same post previously quoted:

"Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I googled her name and found a death certificate. Shaking, I called her phone number (found in an old address book I still had). Her husband told me that she had died 2 years ago of cancer."

The conversation with her husband was liberating. Although resolution with the actual person is no longer possible, the chapter is definitely closed. Her husband gave me her brother's phone number and I had a wonderful conversation with him as well. Her brother reminded me that she would not have held this transgression against me. He is right. She was ever able to "rise above" and forgive those she loved of most any transgression. (This does not mean that she would not let you know how she felt first, though!)

Next on my list was a woman "K" who had been my best friend in high school. The last contact we had was when I was visiting my home town and we had agreed to get together while I was in town. Well, I don't remember much, except that I somehow "forgot" and got caught up in my stepmother's plans. The next day, "K's" mother said to me that "K" had waited and waited for me. I was so ashamed, I could not bring myself to face "K's" feelings and did not contact her again. I have carried this shame ever since.

Yesterday, I found her mother's phone number (still the same after all these years) and called her. I spoke with "K's" mother for quite some time and the only mention I made of my shame was to say that I would understand if "K" was angry with me. She said that "K" was not angry and would love to hear from me. Based on what I know of "K's" mother, she would have said something if she remembered the incident the way I did....

So, I called "K" and we had a great conversation. She denied being angry with me for any reason and just saw it as "that's life" people lose contact sometimes. Apparently, she does not remember the incident as I do, either.

A question: At this point, I have a choice. I can "come clean" and confess everything or I can leave it alone. Since I called fully expecting to face negative feelings from her, I think I did the necessary part in being present for this exercise. To "come clean" with details may cause her some distress that is unnecessary...just to absolve myself...Any thoughts?

Another dilemma at the back of my mind even as I made the first call to her mother is now right in front of me. (Interestingly, I did not pay much heed to this dilemma prior to making this phone call, and now I have set myself up to be forced to pay heed to it...hmmm...asleep at the wheel again!)

"K's" mother lives next door to my father and stepmother whom I have not been in contact with for over 15 years. My stepmother visits and takes walks with "K's" mother nearly every day and my father goes fishing and golfing with "K's" father. "K"s" mother has said that she will not mention anything to my stepmother and would give my phone number to my father if I wished it. (My stepmother changes her phone number on a regular basis and keeps it unlisted and so "K's" mother was understandably uncomfortable with giving me my stepmother's number).

Based on what I know of my stepmother, I am convinced she will find out sooner or later that I have been in contact with my friend. She does have an uncanny ability in ferreting out such things. She will find out if "K's" mother gives my father my number and he calls me. My stepmother will be quite upset and will most likely make trouble for everyone. She does not allow my father to communicate with me unless I will communicate with her as well. If I ask/allow my friend and her mother to keep quiet about contact from me, and my stepmother finds out as I believe she will, my stepmother will see this as "revenge" on my part meant specifically to hurt her. (BTW, I no longer harbor hatred of her and do not wish to hurt her.)

I am thinking that it would be best for me to just tell my friend and her mother that it is okay to give my phone number to both my stepmother and my father. I do not want to cause trouble for my friend and her mother. I think I may be a somewhat different person now and feel somewhat better prepared to deal with my stepmother (my first petty tyrant).

I recently read "Myth of Sanity" by Martha Stout and many things she talked about reminded me of my stepmother, especially this from page 163:

"Sometimes he is warm, wonderful, and optimistic, and sometimes he is suspicious and rageful. He is much more than "moody"; this man seems like two different people"

I have said this for years about my stepmother. I think that in keeping this in mind, I may be more successful in remaining detached from her manipulations...(and based on what I know of my stepmother, the manipulations would not begin right away. She can be "good" for periods of time).

Possible benefits is that contact with these people does trigger memory. Things I had forgotton have come to mind.

Is it possible to reframe these relationships (at least in my mind) by approaching them from my current perspective? Or, in other words, by having more information/knowledge now, will I have the possibility to see my stepmother differently and thereby be able to deal with her differently? Contact with her would definitely be a test/challenge for me.

I note that "K's" mother seems to be able to deal with my stepmother quite successfully - without my stepmother's usual "drama". Her secret? "K's" mother tells me she just deals with my stepmother "as she is" (and does not engage in the drama). So, I see that it is possible to deal successfully with my stepmother and I may have a clue here as to how.

Any thoughts?

BTW, on a side note, I was "confronted with Christianity" again - "K's" mother is Christian and promoted "believing in the Lord to take care of us". I was able to refrain from my usual "knee-jerk" reaction and did not allow myself to become engaged with my resistance. More progress as many of you know who followed "Losing my mother to Yahweh" (http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=11040.0) with me. Again, I note as in my last post on that thread (http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=11040.msg84385#msg84385)

It seems that I have made some progress with my "knee-jerk" reactions to Christians, but...

...what is this about? Seems that members of my family and friends are "dropping like flies" lately - converting and/or returning to Christianity....

Perhaps, a sign of the times, or a testing of my lesson?

A paranoid part of me thinks that Yahweh is out to "get me"...No, I am not letting that part get out of hand, but it is a curiosity to me that as I have been struggling with this issue, I am repeatedly confronted by those who would have me "believe".

 

[thevenusian]

There isn't enough information in your post to really determine some of the underlying issues and know for sure, but it seems evident enough that there was some trouble with your father, which I could guess may have stemmed from problems with stepmom. And reading between the lines seems to indicate your awareness that things may not be so great with stepmom's 'personality construct'. If she has personality problems or limitations, you can't address or fix them.
There are others here far more qualified to analyze this than me, but two things struck this complete outsider. The first is to remember that your process of recapitulation is for YOU, not anyone else. Just as you endeavor to discover things about yourself that you do not have conscious awareness of, perhaps you should not be so surprised that other people didn't have the same experience of things that you did, or the same recollections. I know I certainly have tended to project my own feelings and conclusions about events onto others, only to be astonished later that I was quite wrong and their experience was very different than mine. I wouldn't get too hung up on whether you need to 'come clean' with others in that regard. You are attempting to 'come clean' with yourself first.
The second observation is that you are circling around whatever the events/dynamics are/were about the conflicts that have led you to no communication with your father for such a long time. It appears that whatever this is, it is not in a resolved state for you and you still have some anxiety about it- at least that's one take from reading your post.
I am no expert, just another one of your fellows who has been bruised and tossed around in this soup of human experience and has lived through 'stepmom' and 'stepdad' in some twisted variations. There is a far more potent dynamic for you with your father's partner than there is for a neighbor or friend. Your recapitulation efforts will not help your Dad or stepmom with their problems, your difficulties with them or theirs with you. But your own awareness of how you have been affected by it all may be improved. And as such there may come a point in which your own understanding will allow you to make some change in your relationship to them.
fwiw...

 

[Meg]

Hi Fireshadow,

I am working the Steps again and the 9th step is what I am working on too.

Question: At this point, I have a choice. I can "come clean" and confess everything or I can leave it alone. Since I called fully expecting to face negative feelings from her, I think I did the necessary part in being present for this exercise. To "come clean" with details may cause her some distress that is unnecessary...just to absolve myself...Any thoughts?

Regarding your question about K. From what I gather, you feel shame for making a commitment to K, not following through with that commitment and not contacting her since that time. What doesn’t seem clear to me is what you think the harm is. How did you harm her? Where were you selfish, dishonest, self seeking and/or frightened? What would you say to her if you wanted to make that amend?

My understanding of this aspect of Step 9 is correcting/amending harms done and changing our behavior. The 5th step is a better step for “confession” in my experience.

The situation with your stepmother shouldn't enter the picture, I think. fwiw

 

[FireShadow]

Thank you both, thevenusian and Megapode, for your replies. As a result of thevenusian's comment, I had already been working on this simplification:

I apologize for not being clear in my expression.

First, there is recapitulation and I am attempting to integrate it with parts of a system I am familiar with - the Alcoholic's Anonymous 12-Step Program.

I have found that you don't need to be an alcoholic/addict to benefit from several of the steps. Most specifically: the step of taking a "personal inventory" (I think it is the 4th Step) as well as the steps of "making a list of persons you have harmed and making amends, except when to do so would injure them or others" (Steps 8 & 9, I think).

Second, this process has brought me to the remembrance of some instances where I have held onto shame. I had a list of two persons I felt I may have harmed. I have begun the amends part, the purpose of which is to a) amend (change) my behavior and b) to apologize where necessary and appropriate.

Of course, this can be tricky as the point is to avoid further harm. This is where the knowledge of external consideration I have gained here has been such a big help. However, I am new at practicing it and am not sure where to draw the lines. i.e. "Am I trying to avoid facing someone's pain because it would make me uncomfortable or am I sincerely trying to avoid bringing unnecessary distress to another?"

Third, the process of amends has brought me to the dilemma of facing my stepmother (my first petty tyrant):

Briefly, my father married my stepmother when I was about 7 1/2 years old and left the raising of me to her. She was abusive (some physical, mostly psychological and emotional). After several attemps in my adulthood to get along with her, I gave up and quit speaking to her about 15 years ago. She will not allow my father to speak with me if I am not speaking to her. I do have about 3 years of psycho-therapy behind me where I spent considerable time on my issues with my stepmother. I no longer harber hate and revenge fantasies. I think I may be ready to face here without getting engaged in her manipulations.

My stepmother and father are neighbors of my friend "K's" mother and frequently socialize with them. The chances are extremely high that my stepmother will find out that I have contacted "K" whether or not "K" and her mother mention it or not...as I have said, my stepmother has an uncanny ability to ferret things out and can get people to "slip".

I am thinking to spare my friend and her mother any distress on my account as my stepmother will make a lot of drama when she finds out that it was a secret being kept from her.

A possible benefit in contacting any of these people is that they trigger memories (which helps with my recapitulation). I am thinking also that as a petty tyrant and one I know well, she would also provide opportunity/challenge for my practice of "external consideration"!

I am in no way thinking/hoping/wishing to change or "fix" anyone. Been there, done that, I have learned better, I hope.

I am just hoping to be able to "deal" with her without becoming engaged with her manipulations.

As for the harm, megapode, .....hmmmm, you make me think! Thank you.

I imagined that by:

"...making a commitment to K, not following through with that commitment and not contacting her since that time.

that I had harmed her by abandoning her and causing her unnecessary grief.

[quote author=Megapode]
What doesn’t seem clear to me is what you think the harm is.

How did you harm her? Where were you selfish, dishonest, self seeking and/or frightened? What would you say to her if you wanted to make that amend?[/quote]

This is where you made me think. I am now thinking that perhaps my "self-importance" caused me to imagine that I had harmed her. And/or, I was projecting/imagining what I would have felt if the roles were reversed. I would have been devastated. Perhaps this is because I have abandonment issues and judge circumstances through this perspective?

[quote author=Megapode]
My understanding of this aspect of Step 9 is correcting/amending harms done and changing our behavior. The 5th step is a better step for “confession” in my experience.
[/quote]

You are right, of course. Thank you all for hearing the 5th Step I just performed.

Okay, one dilemma solved. I will leave well enough alone as concerns "coming clean" with my friend.

As for:

[quote author=Megapode]
The situation with your stepmother shouldn't enter the picture, I think. fwiw[/quote]

Hopefully, with my simplification (above), it is clear that this is a separate dilemma and one I think I know the answer to as well. I don't think I could feel good about myself to leave my friend and her mother to bear the brunt of my stepmother's drama when she finds out that I have been in contact and it was kept from her. Yes, I am that sure that she will eventually find out.

 

[Buddy]

Hi FireShadow;

Some years ago, before exposure to the Work, I started a 'kinda' recapitulation when I realized the huge gulf between my intellectual and emotional development. My ups and downs on this particular journey have been enough to give me motion sickness, but I still have a long ride ahead.
I have become acutely aware that my sense of the things I am willing/able to take responsibility for (my idea of my responsibility level) rises and falls day-to-day and even during the course of a single day.
This Work was, and still is, very, very difficult; however, some little progress has been made. Maybe I could offer a thought or two.

First, You stated that you have only recently read "The Myth of Sanity, by Martha Stout". Have you read the other three?

...each book goes into a certain aspect of the mind in a way that relates directly to esoteric work, and the esoteric work "works" when it is done in a certain order.
[...]
All of them taken together lay out for us how we get started using emotional energy for intellectual tasks and how the motor center also distorts the emotional energy and enslaves the intellect to serve its needs.

If not, I'm thinking you're not taking full advantage of the information in all four of the "getting started" books. This fuller understanding may make your job easier by giving you more/better ideas for finding access points into the jungle of buffers and swirling emotional pools.

BTW, on a side note, I was "confronted with Christianity" again - "K's" mother is Christian and promoted "believing in the Lord to take care of us". I was able to refrain from my usual "knee-jerk" reaction and did not allow myself to become engaged with my resistance.
...
It seems that I have made some progress with my "knee-jerk" reactions to Christians, but...
...
A paranoid part of me thinks that Yahweh is out to "get me"...No, I am not letting that part get out of hand, but it is a curiosity to me that as I have been struggling with this issue, I am repeatedly confronted by those who would have me "believe".

Perhaps, a sign of the times, or a testing of my lesson?

Perhaps a version of 'when the student is ready, the teacher will come'. Or, looking at it another way, as your recapitulation proceeds and your sense of self-ownership or responsibility improves, maybe you will simply remember or 'see' more of that which you are ready to overcome.


--fwiw :)

More detail on the quote from Laura:

Why for the exact order? Because each book goes into a certain aspect of the mind in a way that relates directly to esoteric work, and the esoteric work "works" when it is done in a certain order.

The Myth of Sanity will tell you some very important things about your own mind and about self-remembering, recapitulation and why it is so important and what it can do for you to fuse all your different selves. It also shows you your mental weaknesses and how to catch the clues that you are falling into the weaknesses. Once you have a good basic understanding about consistency of self, where when and how buffers are created, and how to notice them in fully modern terms, then you are ready to go to the next step.

The next step is to begin to learn about the clues of some of the specific buffers that may (most probably) exist within your being and how family and society help to create them. This process is begun in Trapped in the Mirror.

Then, you need to broaden that view to include others, to learn about behavioral clues to be on the alert for both in yourself and others in a wider context than just narcissism. Narcissism can take many forms, wear many masks both in yourself and others. This is Unholy Hungers.

The Narcissistic Family then brings it back home again. This is a painful book to read because if, by some remote chance, you were able to go through the other three books and keep thinking "oh, that doesn't apply to me," then that final illusion will be stripped away with TNF.

These four books are about stripping away lies and illusions. They teach you an enormous amount about how your mental machine works, how your centers work, though, unfortunately, the authors do not talk in terms of centers.

All of them taken together lay out for us how we get started using emotional energy for intellectual tasks and how the motor center also distorts the emotional energy and enslaves the intellect to serve its needs.

It's one thing to read Gurdjieff saying that you lie to yourself all the time, and for Don Juan to tell you that the "predator" gave us its mind, it is something else altogether to get the details in clinical language with real examples given to show the exact dynamics to even the dullest thinker!

Anybody can do this work if they have the will and desire and begin at the beginning!

Of course, once you know the details and all that, then having a network for feedback where everyone is working with these concepts and sharing their observations and progress is crucial. It is SO easy (as you will learn) to deceive yourself and think you are awakening when you have just gone back to sleep and are dreaming of being awake.

 

[Meg]

Hi,

I have found that you don't need to be an alcoholic/addict to benefit from several of the steps. Most specifically: the step of taking a "personal inventory" (I think it is the 4th Step) as well as the steps of "making a list of persons you have harmed and making amends, except when to do so would injure them or others" (Steps 8 & 9, I think).

Absolutely!

My stepmother and father are neighbors of my friend "K's" mother and frequently socialize with them. The chances are extremely high that my stepmother will find out that I have contacted "K" whether or not "K" and her mother mention it or not...as I have said, my stepmother has an uncanny ability to ferret things out and can get people to "slip".

I am thinking to spare my friend and her mother any distress on my account as my stepmother will make a lot of drama when she finds out that it was a secret being kept from her.

A possible benefit in contacting any of these people is that they trigger memories (which helps with my recapitulation). I am thinking also that as a petty tyrant and one I know well, she would also provide opportunity/challenge for my practice of "external consideration"!

I think you might be projecting the outcome (anticipating) what will happen if you make amends to K and how it might affect you. As my sponsor reminds me often, it’s not about YOU, it’s about the person you harmed and making it right. I had a similar situation arise the first time I worked the steps. When I made amends to my friend, I just told her I was an alcoholic in AA and explained what step 9 was. I said that I thought I had harmed her by not being a good friend to her and asked what I could do to make it right and that was it. We’ve parted ways since then for other reasons, but my conscience is clear (no guilt, no shame), which is the point, I think. Fwiw, Good luck! :D

 

[Laura]

It strikes me that there is something really off in your process of recapitulation. It seems that it is all about YOU and making YOU feel better. You can scrub the outside and make it all clean and shiny but that is doing nothing to what is inside you.

 

[FireShadow]

I have become acutely aware that my sense of the things I am willing/able to take responsibility for (my idea of my responsibility level) rises and falls day-to-day and even during the course of a single day.

Thank you, this is what I am trying to learn - what is my responsibility and what is not. More and more, I am thinking it is my self-importance behind much of my problem.

...each book goes into a certain aspect of the mind in a way that relates directly to esoteric work, and the esoteric work "works" when it is done in a certain order.
[...]
All of them taken together lay out for us how we get started using emotional energy for intellectual tasks and how the motor center also distorts the emotional energy and enslaves the intellect to serve its needs.

If not, I'm thinking you're not taking full advantage of the information in all four of the "getting started" books. This fuller understanding may make your job easier by giving you more/better ideas for finding access points into the jungle of buffers and swirling emotional pools. [/quote]

They are on my list of books to read. Now, I have even more motivation to get my hands on some copies. I think a trip to the library is in order.

My stepmother and father are neighbors of my friend "K's" mother and frequently socialize with them. The chances are extremely high that my stepmother will find out that I have contacted "K" whether or not "K" and her mother mention it or not...as I have said, my stepmother has an uncanny ability to ferret things out and can get people to "slip".

I am thinking to spare my friend and her mother any distress on my account as my stepmother will make a lot of drama when she finds out that it was a secret being kept from her.

A possible benefit in contacting any of these people is that they trigger memories (which helps with my recapitulation). I am thinking also that as a petty tyrant and one I know well, she would also provide opportunity/challenge for my practice of "external consideration"!

I think you might be projecting the outcome (anticipating) what will happen if you make amends to K and how it might affect you. As my sponsor reminds me often, it’s not about YOU, it’s about the person you harmed and making it right. I had a similar situation arise the first time I worked the steps. When I made amends to my friend, I just told her I was an alcoholic in AA and explained what step 9 was. I said that I thought I had harmed her by not being a good friend to her and asked what I could do to make it right and that was it. We’ve parted ways since then for other reasons, but my conscience is clear (no guilt, no shame), which is the point, I think. Fwiw, Good luck! :D

I am confused now. I thought I was concerned about how my actions (making contact) has possibly put my friend and her mother in the line of my stepmother's ire.

I am aware that I am "predicting" an outcome, but it is based on much past history with my stepmother and what she is likely to do. It is based on the fact that my friend tells me that my stepmother has not changed and still behaves as she has always done. I feel guilty that I did not "predict" this before making the phone call. It had been in the back of my mind, yet I did not pay it heed before making that call.

It strikes me that there is something really off in your process of recapitulation. It seems that it is all about YOU and making YOU feel better. You can scrub the outside and make it all clean and shiny but that is doing nothing to what is inside you.

This is what I want to avoid. That is why I started this thread and, thanks to the feedback I am receiving, I am seeing more of my self-importance. Again, thank you all.

So, for now, I am thinking that I will speak with my friend and see what she would feel comfortable with doing - either to go ahead and give my phone number to my father and stepmother (and possibly head off any trouble for my friend and her mother) or just not mention my contact at all.

Then, I will head to the library and look for copies of those other 3 books.

 

[PepperFritz]

A key thing for me has been learning to walk the very fine line between these two seemingly contradictory truths:

(1) That in any "negative" situation between myself and another person, I have always played a contributory part; and I must try to objectively identify and take responsibility for that part.

(2) That my existence and actions never loom as large in the minds of others as they do in my own, and that in most cases others have given very little thought to what I do and say.

In light of that, I have trouble with the 12-step "make amends" thing, insofar as it requires you to directly contact the other person. I think it can lend itself to Subjectivity and a lack of External Consideration. Something that has weighed heavily on your on mind may not have affected the other person to the same degree, and/or they may not appreciate having "old stuff" brought up out of the blue. I mean, the past cannot be "amended". It seems to me that the most important thing is identifying the mechanics of your part in the situation, so that (1) you have learned the lesson involved, and (2) you are unlikely to do the same thing again with someone else. Seems more important that you "get right" with yourself and the universe, than with the other person.

I've had the experience of someone from my past contacting me to "make amends" after becoming sober. He went to a great deal of effort to "track me down" at a time that I was trying to keep a low-profile, and his numerous communications felt like an invasion of privacy. I was also left with a general feeling of "Gee, it's still all about you, isn't it..."

On the other hand, maybe there's a "right way" to go about it, and I've only experienced "the wrong way".... I dunno, those are just my own personal thoughts, FWIW....

 

[Meg]

Hi,

I am confused now. I thought I was concerned about how my actions (making contact) has possibly put my friend and her mother in the line of my stepmother's ire.

I am aware that I am "predicting" an outcome, but it is based on much past history with my stepmother and what she is likely to do. It is based on the fact that my friend tells me that my stepmother has not changed and still behaves as she has always done. I feel guilty that I did not "predict" this before making the phone call. It had been in the back of my mind, yet I did not pay it heed before making that call.

It can be confusing. Every situation is different and should be examined critically, like you are doing, I think.

From my own experience, I made direct amends to my parents a three years ago for harms done. I ended that relationship over two years ago. The amends list I am working on now is to my siblings. I don't know if it will harm or affect their relationship with my parents. There's a lot that needs to be considered. That is something I will discuss with my sponsor and other members of the AA group I am active in. That part is vital to the Step work. I'd reallly screw things up if I didn't have the experience of people who have gone before me and the objectivity of that group. Do you have a group or sponsor to go over the finer details with?

To address what Pepperfritz mentioned, there is a wrong way to make amends. You shouldn't force amends on people. We don't make amends at their expense. I know some members who have never made direct amends because it would harm the person in various ways. And that is as it should be. Amends means to change, internally. Sometimes you do nothing but change your behavior. i.e. 'don't do that again' :)

 

[PepperFritz]

To address what Pepperfritz mentioned, there is a wrong way to make amends. You shouldn't force amends on people. We don't make amends at their expense. I know some members who have never made direct amends because it would harm the person in various ways. And that is as it should be. Amends means to change, internally. Sometimes you do nothing but change your behavior. i.e. 'don't do that again' :)

Thank you for clearing that up for me, Megapode. :)

 

[Buddy]

I apologize in advance for the length of this post, but because the process of recapitulation - or more generally, the work of 'cleaning house' is so important in the early stages of the work (because we need some 'wins'), and we, as sincere seekers, can be so vunerable, It seems worthwhile to offer some observations and thoughts that may be helpful to someone.

It strikes me that there is something really off in your process of recapitulation. It seems that it is all about YOU and making YOU feel better. You can scrub the outside and make it all clean and shiny but that is doing nothing to what is inside you.

I think one of the things that's 'off' is this modified 12 step method. From my investigation of the original application of it to alcoholics, it appears the overall thrust is to perpetually subjugate the individual to a 'higher authority' in recognition of the 'fact' that the individual will never be able to achieve success (or anything else) on his own. Does anyone know if any of this has carried over, however subtly or hidden, in the modified form?

The behaviors involved seem to be consistent with encouraging a fixed emotional state of propitiation...forever making amends and 'giving gifts' to appease anyone and everyone who has been slighted in any way at any time, real or imagined. I say "forever" because it's very easy and inviting to conjure up imaginary debts to others. After all, how can one be so sure.....?
There seems to be a lot of ways for things to go wrong.

Having said that, it may be a workable method for some folks. Some forum members sound like they're having success with it, but I'm not gonna touch it.

In addition to the modified 12 step method, or perhaps as an alternative, one can see a very attractive collection of information by Castaneda that draws one in and stimulates excitement. Ideas like:

...leaves nothing unresolved. He recounts his past, looks for the magical joint - the exact moment when he was involved in somebody's destiny - and applies all his concentration to that point, and unties the knots of intent.
...
The best method the sorcerers have discovered for this is to remember the events of our personal history until we have completely digested them.

"Fortunately, in the realm of energy, things like time and space don't exist. So it is possible to return to the place and to the same moment when the events happened, and relive them. It is not very difficult, since we all know well where we are hurting.

"To recapitulate is to stalk our routines, subjecting them to a systematic and merciless scrutiny. It is an activity that allows us to visualize our life as a totality, and not just as a succession of moments.

...a fixation of our attention that blocks the flow of energy. He said that this happens when we refuse to face facts and try to protect ourselves by hiding behind evasive actions. Also, when we leave pending matters unresolved, or make commitments that ties us down.

He maintained that, in essence, to recapitulate consists of making a list of wounds caused by our interactions. The next step is to travel back to the moment when the events took place, in order to reasorb what belongs to us, and return what belongs to others.

"The warrior begins rewinding his day. He reconstructs conversatons, deciphers meanings, remembers faces and names, looks for shades and insinuations, dissects his own emotional reactions and those of others.

"He also examines entire chapters and categories of his life. For example, partners he has had, houses he has lived in, schools, work places, friends and enemies, fights and happy moments, and so on. The ideal thing is to attack the task in chronogical order, from the most recent memory until the most distant that it is possible to evoke. But in the beginning it is easier to do it by topics.

He pointed out that to recapitulate, no special conditions are necessary.

It is energy work; there is no fixed pattern. What counts is the intent.

"It is not necessary to do anything in particular. Memories will find their own course...

"Recapitulation starts from inside and sustain itself. It is matter of silencing the mind, and our energy body will take control, doing what is a delight for it to do. You feel well, comforted; far from draining you, it gives you rest. Your body perceives it as an inexplicable energy bath.
...
"But you should have the correct attitude. Don't confuse the exercise with a psychological question. If what you need is interpretations, go to the psychiatrist ! He will tell you what to do to continue being the idiot that you are. Neither should you try to find a 'lesson'. Stories with a moral only exist in children's books.

"Recapitulation is a specialized form of stalking, and should be undertaken with a high sense of strategy. It is about understanding and putting our existence in order, seeing it as it is, without remorse, reproaches, or congratulations, with total indifference and a spirit of fluidity, even of humor, because nothing in our history is more important than anything else, and all relationships, in the end, are ephemeral.

First, it is necessary to go for the strongest investments, which are the most harrowing feelings. Then we go for those memories that are buried so deeply that we though we had forgotten them, but they are there.

Responding to another question, he said that recapitulation doesn't have an end; it should last until the end of our days and beyond.

"Reliving events is ideal, because it cleans the wounds of the past and clear up any congestion of the energy conduits. In this way, you break the fixation of other's people gaze, you expose the patterns of people's behavior, and nothing can hook you again.You become a sovereign being; you decide what you want to make of yourself."
...
In other words: To remember our past is the most effective method to unite the physical body and the energy body, which have been separated for years."

...a method designed by the new seers, which can be helpful in the exercise of recapitulation...
...they often use a book of memorable events...
...the advantage of this technique is that when we write, we detach ourselves from things and events, at least to a minimal extent, and thus we are able to focus on them with more objectivity.

A lot of those ideas may be useful, but even with all that, there is a lot that sounds good...("sounds so esoteric" as Laura said), but is so lacking in clear, objectively described application, as to be...well, maybe not so useful as it could be (on it's own).


So that brings me to my personal preference. I think it is so important to respect free will, be Externally Considerate, recognize the signs of Internal Considering and maintain the Strategic Enclosure, (not that I'm any expert) that I can't see any safer, more reasonable alternative than the way its been laid out already.

By way of elaboration:

Our own approach is more strictly along the lines of Gurdjieff and Mouravieff and a bit of Castaneda with a kick. Gurdjieff and Mouravieff and Castaneda all talk about a man needing to know himself, to know his "machine," to observe it, to engage in "introspection" or "recapitulation" or "self-observation" and so on and so forth. We have taken this to the next logical step and utilize the terminology of modern psychology.
...
It's clear that Castaneda's "recapitulation" was supposed to be a means of dealing with buffers though Castaneda's presentation of many things was sorely lacking in clarity.
...
It sounds so - well - "esoteric" and they don't want to accept the simple fact that the first order of business is to deal with your own psychology in a very basic and practical way.
[...]
We begin by assigning reading tasks. You have to have the information, data, the understanding of your machine before you can even observe yourself and have a clue what you are observing.
[...]
This will give a person a good working knowledge of their buffers and what to be looking for when "self-remembering", "introspecting" or "recapitulating". Without the information in these books, you are basically just wandering around in the dark trying to figure out what this or that "esoteric term" might mean.

Some comments from Laura concerning some of the process of the machine cleaning:

I think you go through stages in the process of healing. In the beginning, how can you NOT blame your parents or whoever it was that hurt you. You basically have to go back to being in that state and being hurt. Part of you, that is. Another part of you is angry for the sake of that innocent child. This is where the angry part has to find a way to comfort the hurt part and to help the hurt inner child to express the hurt and anger. But this needs to be done in such a way that no one is hurt! We suggest writing letters that are later burnt to release the hurt and anger, or writing in a journal that is private, or talking to close friends or a group (we do this in QFS, by the way) and getting support and encouragement from them for the child that was wounded.

This may have to be done a number of times because the discoveries about what wounded us sometimes come in layers, like peeling an onion.

At the same time, gaining knowledge of how these things happen, how it is the consequence of wounded parents (most often) helps us to understand that THEY, too, had this wounded child inside that never was accepted.
[...]

Please read the rest of the above quote to see how this Work naturally links into the study of psychopathy.


In closing this post, I'm joining with those who have obviously been there and learned something as one can probably tell from these:

...just Work to remove all that crap that's accumulated since you were an innocent kid, in order to give the real you a chance to become who you are.

To address what Pepperfritz mentioned, there is a wrong way to make amends. You shouldn't force amends on people. We don't make amends at their expense.

In light of that, I have trouble with the 12-step "make amends" thing, insofar as it requires you to directly contact the other person. I think it can lend itself to Subjectivity and a lack of External Consideration. Something that has weighed heavily on your on mind may not have affected the other person to the same degree, and/or they may not appreciate having "old stuff" brought up out of the blue. I mean, the past cannot be "amended". It seems to me that the most important thing is identifying the mechanics of your part in the situation, so that (1) you have learned the lesson involved, and (2) you are unlikely to do the same thing again with someone else. Seems more important that you "get right" with yourself and the universe, than with the other person.

...If this wasn't enough, how about a testimonial to complete the picture?

While earlier attempts to review my past experiences and relationships brought only moderate results (or no results at all), it really went into "turbo mode" after reading first three of these books. These writtings provide structure, a blueprint which take the work of recapitulation to whole another level. What was evading me for years, now began finally to see the light. Facts, events, attitudes, emotions begin to emerge and gradually occupy their appropriate places.
[...]

 

[Meg]

Hi Buddy,

I think one of the things that's 'off' is this modified 12 step method. From my investigation of the original application of it to alcoholics, it appears the overall thrust is to perpetually subjugate the individual to a 'higher authority' in recognition of the 'fact' that the individual will never be able to achieve success (or anything else) on his own.Does anyone know if any of this has carried over, however subtly or hidden, in the modified form?

That is true for some people in AA, probably most. But not true for members who are Athiests, Non-Thiests and/or Buddhists. It would depend on what conception of 'higher power' you adopt. The book, Alcoholics Anonymous has a hugely thiestic slant to it, so most people adopt the conception described therein.

The behaviors involved seem to be consistent with encouraging a fixed emotional state of propitiation...forever making amends and 'giving gifts' to appease anyone and everyone who has been slighted in any way at any time, real or imagined. I say "forever" because it's very easy and inviting to conjure up imaginary debts to others. After all, how can one be so sure.....?
There seems to be a lot of ways for things to go wrong.

True for most, but again I think that comes from the thiestic slant. The imagined harms is something that others in AA can help with. The group is just as important as the individual, if not more important. fwiw

 

[Buddy]

It appears the element of discernment could have made my post a bit more useful. Indeed, it's not the 'thing, itself' that can endanger, but rather ignorance.
Awareness of this 'theistic slant' and applying discernment to separate the useful from the useless would be a good example of 'knowledge protects, ignorance endangers' in this case, I think.

Thanks, Megapode. You made my day. :)


edit: for clarity, added a missing word

 

[Al Today]

... The group is just as important as the individual, if not more important. fwiw ...

Geeze, I feel prompted to say something and here goes... I've seen this group thing taken a tad too far. More than once. For example, I know one, (an old time time friend), who now completely shuns all who are not part of the group. Some get so brainwashed that they really believe they cannot survive without the group. They completely cut off all ties outside the group. This I think is quite cultish. On a personal note I have told a group or two so. I have been to AA for decades, DOing this WORK has given me the insight (knowledge) and strength to accept what I am and to not end up in the gutter. I would recommend this WORK to an alcoholic in a heartbeat. BUT, groups are important. Even the C's say so. This group within this forum, keeps me grounded. And this is true, I need a group to reach out to..
THANK GUYS.

sorry for going but I just felt a need to say that...