Discovering the ease in which many Fall

[SadEyes]

After a talk with my wife at work today, she broke down, unsure of what's going on in my head or what I'm going to do. I hadn't even noticed how bad I had gotten until today.

Can you share more about the ways you have changed? What exactly has happened that your wife broke down? You have circumscribed and interpreted what has happened to you, but if you want to have more accurate feedback, you could share raw facts and raw data, without any attempts of interpretation.

Sure! But before I do, thank you everyone for all the advice you've given. I didn't even expect this many people to look at the post, so again, thank you.

I went through an intense state of utter confusion, not knowing if I should really be with my wife and step kids anymore. The thread on The Work and family and kids is not availible to me, it never loads, so I've never been able to really grasp how people are able to be in the Work and still have families that are completely of the World. After reading Gnosis Vol 1 and the parts about searching for a polar being, I think I became confused and very stressed. I began to "fall in love" with almost every somewhat awakened female I would encounter, often mistaking sexual attraction and smarts (combined with their conscious awareness) for love. I lied to myself often, and didn't want to admit I was doing it...because of this, I slowly began to draw away from my wife, and step kids, thinking that this emotional retreat was a normal result of them not being conscious. Wow, now that I'm typing this out, I'm really starting to see how crappy I was. I was truly emotionally absent for several weeks, and didn't understand why or even communicate my feelings honestly enough to my wife. This in turn lead me deeper into an illusion, and I began to wallow in my self pity, constantly blaming them for my feelings (even if on a deeper subconscious level).

I have (within the last few months) begun reading and understand external considering and building a strategic enclosure. I realized that while I was using external considering when it came to talking about esoteric work or high strangeness amongst strangers and people I don't know too well, I wasn't using E.C. when around my family..it honestly never even crossed my mind; and this is why I fell. I have been working on my strategic enclosure as well, and that has kept General Law and "agents" at bay pretty well, except when it comes to my own household.

My biggest weakness right now is that I spent a vast majority of my life hiding my emotions. I cried for the last time when I was 15, and promised myself that I would never do it again (biggest mistake of my life). When I made that promise, I learned to hold back every emotion I felt, turning me literally, into a automaton. In the Marines, I was known as The Robot. Given this, it is very easy for me to remove all feelings from a situation and mask it with a cold face; and I'm now struggling to even understand HOW or WHERE to feel emotions. I recently learned what they were supposed to feel like after a bat crap crazy psychedelic trip on THC (not condoning the use of THC) a while back, where something in my head displayed hundreds of images of other's kind acts to me and I felt my heart literally explode like a spotlight of gratitude and love. It wasn't until then that I'd even really known what emotions consciously felt like.

I have much work to do, and for the third or fourth time, thank you all for the advice and criticism. This experience has truly shown me how important it is to have a group to catch each other when they slip. For a time, I really thought I could do this on my own

Side note: I have been doing EE, I take hot yoga and workout several times a week, and my diet is keto. I may "cheat" once a week just to enjoy some foods of this world with my family (like a large cookie or some ice cream), but that's about it.

 

[EmeraldHope]

Side note: I have been doing EE, I take hot yoga and workout several times a week, and my diet is keto. I may "cheat" once a week just to enjoy some foods of this world with my family (like a large cookie or some ice cream), but that's about it.

When it comes to gluten, dairy and sugar, gluten especially, that amounts to being "a little pregnant" or having just a touch of ______________. ( insert any horrific disease here.)
Each time you cheat, you have to start over to get the same benefits. Detox starts again at square one. Switching back over to burning ketones starts at square one also.

 

[Chu]

My biggest weakness right now is that I spent a vast majority of my life hiding my emotions. I cried for the last time when I was 15, and promised myself that I would never do it again (biggest mistake of my life). When I made that promise, I learned to hold back every emotion I felt, turning me literally, into a automaton. In the Marines, I was known as The Robot. Given this, it is very easy for me to remove all feelings from a situation and mask it with a cold face; and I'm now struggling to even understand HOW or WHERE to feel emotions.

Have you thought of the possibility of finding a therapist that could help you with this? It can work really well to have professional help, and perhaps you can discover much more, and it can have the extra benefit that your family might feel you care about not hurting them. Just an idea. It IS important to get in touch with one's emotions, and learn to express them in a healthy way. I'm sorry you had to reppress them so much.

I think this explains your "mistake". But fortunately, there is a solution. :) And then, once you know yourself a bit better, you can reconsider the Work in other terms?

 

[Mrs.Tigersoap]

Hi SadEyes,

You seem to be dealing with a lot of things at the same time. It's a lot to be going through at any one time. I think that you should take it easy and really pace yourself with all this. The Work is, well, hard work! :)

It is important not to put the cart before the horse, imo. The elements you describe (suppressed emotions and possible resentment, etc.) need to be dealt first before embarking on the journey that is The Work.

What you can do already and which will help tremendously is to do the EE (while skipping the beatha portion for the time being), continue the keto (and here I must insist on you reading carefully the keto thread as you will see that any slip, even once a week, is a very bad idea as it basically puts your body in a very difficult situation).

If you like reading, the narcissistic five* are a great starting point.

As you see, being really gentle with your body (and mind) as your emotions begin to surface will help you keep a cool head.

Keep us posted on your progress! :)


*Narcissism "Big Five":

Myth of Sanity - Martha Stout
The Narcissistic Family - Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
Trapped in the Mirror - Elan Golomb
Unholy Hungers - Barbara E. Hort
Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age- George K. Simon

 

[mada85]

My biggest weakness right now is that I spent a vast majority of my life hiding my emotions. I cried for the last time when I was 15, and promised myself that I would never do it again (biggest mistake of my life). When I made that promise, I learned to hold back every emotion I felt, turning me literally, into a automaton. In the Marines, I was known as The Robot. Given this, it is very easy for me to remove all feelings from a situation and mask it with a cold face; and I'm now struggling to even understand HOW or WHERE to feel emotions.

Have you thought of the possibility of finding a therapist that could help you with this? It can work really well to have professional help, and perhaps you can discover much more, and it can have the extra benefit that your family might feel you care about not hurting them. Just an idea. It IS important to get in touch with one's emotions, and learn to express them in a healthy way. I'm sorry you had to reppress them so much.

I think this explains your "mistake". But fortunately, there is a solution. :) And then, once you know yourself a bit better, you can reconsider the Work in other terms?

I think that Ailén has offered a very useful suggestion. You've certainly made efforts in the direction of self-improvement, but I do wonder if you're trying to run before you can walk, so to speak. There's clearly a lot of emotional tension going on at present and when that happens one can feel quite lost, especially given a history of non-expression. Perhaps a guide to this 'foreign land' would be helpful? Enlisting the help of a therapist could be a very beneficial move, or so it seems to me.

You mention that you have ice cream and cookies once a week. The gluten, dairy and sugar could be interfering with your thinking and emotions. Both gluten and dairy have been shown to have a negative psychoactive effect, even to the extent of being linked to mental health issues. Gluten stays in the body for six months; sugar is cleared out of the body in 48 hours I believe, the effects of dairy take 7-14 days to dissipate in my experience.

Another thing to remember is that on a keto diet, the body becomes much more sensitive to the 'bad' foods - gluten, dairy, soya, etc. My honest opinion is that you're not doing yourself any favours by having your ice cream and cookies once a week. I would recommend cutting them out completely for a few months and seeing how things go. As Mrs Tigersoap mentions, you really should read the Life Without Bread thread and the recommended books so that you understand what you're doing and why on this diet.

You also mention doing EE. Do you do the full EE or are you doing it without the beatha section (the round breathing)? That section can trigger some quite intense emotional releases and it seems to me that given your history of emotional repression it may be too much for you right now. Working with a therapist may be a better method for exploring your emotions instead of doing it alone and possibly feeling overwhelmed. It's perfectly OK to do the EE without the beatha. It can be just as profound, but in a more gentle way. I myself about two or three years ago had to give up on the beatha section completely because the effect was so intense that I had difficulties functioning in my job.

Could you spend more time with your family? Focus more on your daily life? I ask this because for a while recently I just focused on daily life without doing much reading or posting at all, and I found that it allowed lots of things to settle inside. I gained a deeper understanding of myself - essentially as an obyvatel, a person who supports him or herself in the world and deals with daily life. This is another approach to self-improvement and can also help greatly if one is suffering from information overload - it gives the mind a chance to rest and digest what has been learned.

 

[SMM]

After a talk with my wife at work today, she broke down, unsure of what's going on in my head or what I'm going to do. I hadn't even noticed how bad I had gotten until today.

Can you share more about the ways you have changed? What exactly has happened that your wife broke down? You have circumscribed and interpreted what has happened to you, but if you want to have more accurate feedback, you could share raw facts and raw data, without any attempts of interpretation.

Sure! But before I do, thank you everyone for all the advice you've given. I didn't even expect this many people to look at the post, so again, thank you.

I went through an intense state of utter confusion, not knowing if I should really be with my wife and step kids anymore. The thread on The Work and family and kids is not availible to me, it never loads, so I've never been able to really grasp how people are able to be in the Work and still have families that are completely of the World. After reading Gnosis Vol 1 and the parts about searching for a polar being, I think I became confused and very stressed. I began to "fall in love" with almost every somewhat awakened female I would encounter, often mistaking sexual attraction and smarts (combined with their conscious awareness) for love. I lied to myself often, and didn't want to admit I was doing it...because of this, I slowly began to draw away from my wife, and step kids, thinking that this emotional retreat was a normal result of them not being conscious. Wow, now that I'm typing this out, I'm really starting to see how crappy I was. I was truly emotionally absent for several weeks, and didn't understand why or even communicate my feelings honestly enough to my wife. This in turn lead me deeper into an illusion, and I began to wallow in my self pity, constantly blaming them for my feelings (even if on a deeper subconscious level).

I have (within the last few months) begun reading and understand external considering and building a strategic enclosure. I realized that while I was using external considering when it came to talking about esoteric work or high strangeness amongst strangers and people I don't know too well, I wasn't using E.C. when around my family..it honestly never even crossed my mind; and this is why I fell. I have been working on my strategic enclosure as well, and that has kept General Law and "agents" at bay pretty well, except when it comes to my own household.

My biggest weakness right now is that I spent a vast majority of my life hiding my emotions. I cried for the last time when I was 15, and promised myself that I would never do it again (biggest mistake of my life). When I made that promise, I learned to hold back every emotion I felt, turning me literally, into a automaton. In the Marines, I was known as The Robot. Given this, it is very easy for me to remove all feelings from a situation and mask it with a cold face; and I'm now struggling to even understand HOW or WHERE to feel emotions. I recently learned what they were supposed to feel like after a bat crap crazy psychedelic trip on THC (not condoning the use of THC) a while back, where something in my head displayed hundreds of images of other's kind acts to me and I felt my heart literally explode like a spotlight of gratitude and love. It wasn't until then that I'd even really known what emotions consciously felt like.

I have much work to do, and for the third or fourth time, thank you all for the advice and criticism. This experience has truly shown me how important it is to have a group to catch each other when they slip. For a time, I really thought I could do this on my own

Side note: I have been doing EE, I take hot yoga and workout several times a week, and my diet is keto. I may "cheat" once a week just to enjoy some foods of this world with my family (like a large cookie or some ice cream), but that's about it.

I don't have much input but I think what others have said surrounding the issues you've mentioned is good.

Working through emotions & our programs requires effort. I'm familiar with the feeling of confusion & have also spent a great deal of time hiding from my emotions, as well as what my body tells me, so pretty bad with discipline to that end. My difficulty is in grasping what is the best course of action with external considering & this probably relates to the first part.
Talking to a counselor & keeping a diary may help.

It helps to know areas where we are weak & be accepting & considerate of ourselves there. Our relationship to our own weaknesses/programs sometimes helps us understand our relationship to what we perceive to be others' weaknesses when judging. As an example, there could be a pity program running when we deem our judgement of others from our understanding "best" for them; it could be applied to The Work on oneself. I try to ask myself how does that fit within the context, apply to the big picture/myself then let it go or reorient back to the body.
Try being the operative word there haha.

You seem pretty observant of what is going on with you. The polar being concepts have thrown me in for a loop too. I realize that judgement, interpretation or narrative closes us of to what could be seen... particularly when I was hiding my emotions & not being open with my feelings or acting on what I felt/knew without some prolonged deliberation as to why.

Hope that makes sense.

Thanks for sharing this - I propose being careful with diet. All the best

ADDED:

Could you spend more time with your family? Focus more on your daily life? I ask this because for a while recently I just focused on daily life without doing much reading or posting at all, and I found that it allowed lots of things to settle inside. I gained a deeper understanding of myself - essentially as an obyvatel, a person who supports him or herself in the world and deals with daily life. This is another approach to self-improvement and can also help greatly if one is suffering from information overload - it gives the mind a chance to rest and digest what has been learned.

What Endymion says above is useful osit.

 

[Mikey]

After reading Gnosis Vol 1 and the parts about searching for a polar being, I think I became confused and very stressed. I began to "fall in love" with almost every somewhat awakened female I would encounter, often mistaking sexual attraction and smarts (combined with their conscious awareness) for love. I lied to myself often, and didn't want to admit I was doing it...because of this, I slowly began to draw away from my wife, and step kids, thinking that this emotional retreat was a normal result of them not being conscious.

I understand those thoughts too well. The intellect easily can generate very logical lies (like: I'm spiritually advanced and ready to find my polar opposite etc.), but you also can use your intellect to counter such lies. For this, I sometimes remind myself of one example: Gurdjieff, despite his huge potential, was not able to achieve immortality. I, personally, am sure that I do not have the huge potential that Gurdjieff had. So, compared to him, which chances do I have to acieve immortality? Virtually zero, if not less. When I notice that my imagination runs away, I employ such comparisons to get myself back to the ground. Maybe you can find similar comparisons for your specific situation?

The Work sounds cool as long as it is an intellectual exercise -- at least that was true for me some years ago. But once I was prompted to act on the knowledge that I had acquired (not much, but apparently enough for my specific situation), The Work felt like a very terrible thing and I only wanted to run away as fast as possible. But if you stay with the pain, and you get feedback from a network, and you let your illusions die, what you get back after the event is much more valuable than the illusions you had in the first place.

 

[Nienna]

Everyone has given you very good advice, SadEyes. So I just want to add to what Daenerys said, since I can't really add anything to what anyone else has said.

Gluten (and dairy) takes 6 months to get completely out of your system. Eating just a crumb of anything made with grains pollutes your whole system again and it takes another 6 months for it to clear out.

Also, I'm not sure if you are aware of it, but grains (gluten) and dairy really play havoc with our neurological systems. So a fwiw it's worth here.

 

[Lisa Guliani]

SadEyes: "I have much work to do, and for the third or fourth time, thank you all for the advice and criticism. This experience has truly shown me how important it is to have a group to catch each other when they slip. For a time, I really thought I could do this on my own "

We all have much work to do, SadEyes. And seems to me, the learning is a continuously unfolding process. Lesson after lesson after lesson....and it appears that the lesson will repeat and keep repeating until you learn it.
I thought once that I could do it on my own too. I was dead wrong.
Experience shows us, in differing ways for each individual, that we can't do it alone.
In light of that, this forum, this school, is the best place to begin the most important Work of your life.
My two cents...

 

[SadEyes]

Again, you all have given me much to digest and thanks. I have decided to take all of the advice given. I believe that I may have tried "running before walking", and now feel like I tried to absorb too much "knowledge" without giving it time to sink in and understand before trying to apply it to Life. I am in the middle of Dispelling Wetiko, and once I am done with that, will probably take a few months off from heavy reading until I go back through what I have learned to make sure its settled in. Then I will attempt to begin the Work anew, step by painful step.

As far as the emotions and therapy goes, I don't have the money for that; we barely get by as it is, so any books you can recommend to get me acquainted with my newly found emotions would be awesome!

Diet, I'll take all of that into consideration and keep strict to the ketogenic diet. I do know how even when I "slip", that my skin breaks out within hours (I get acne very easily), so it makes sense that even a once a week cheat can wreak havoc on not just my body but also my mind as well. I've gone through Life without Bread several times and found it all to be very useful.

With the EE, I was not doing the full program. I was only doing the pipe breathing and round breathing...so in actuality, I wasn't doing EE at all. I did the full program yesterday afternoon while everyone was away (it can get rather loud and I can't do it when people are in the house) but I honestly felt like I could cry. I backed off when my mind entered the picture and reminded me how much I hate feeling like that. But I know that it's something I need to get out of my system, so next chance I get to be alone in the house again, I'll go for it.

To all that have read and offered input and advice, cheers. Hope I can return the favor one day.

 

[Chu]

Again, you all have given me much to digest and thanks. I have decided to take all of the advice given. I believe that I may have tried "running before walking", and now feel like I tried to absorb too much "knowledge" without giving it time to sink in and understand before trying to apply it to Life. I am in the middle of Dispelling Wetiko, and once I am done with that, will probably take a few months off from heavy reading until I go back through what I have learned to make sure its settled in. Then I will attempt to begin the Work anew, step by painful step.

Oh yes, but then that also means that all along, you WILL be doing the Work. :) Becoming more conscious, healing from trauma, and learning to lead a better life and be better for others is all part of it.

As far as the emotions and therapy goes, I don't have the money for that; we barely get by as it is, so any books you can recommend to get me acquainted with my newly found emotions would be awesome!

There is a list here. Most of them tend to be cheap, but if you can't afford some of them, let us know. Below, is a list with the one relating to psychology. I would say that for the emotional part, it would be best to start with the books I bolded, and continue on with the Cognitive Science list. They are full of examples that you might be able to relate to, as well as exercises and advice as to go to heal. There are others, so you can always post here about a particular thing you want to read about, and someone will recommend something, I'm sure.

Diet, I'll take all of that into consideration and keep strict to the ketogenic diet. I do know how even when I "slip", that my skin breaks out within hours (I get acne very easily), so it makes sense that even a once a week cheat can wreak havoc on not just my body but also my mind as well. I've gone through Life without Bread several times and found it all to be very useful.

Excellent! I think that will help you too.

With the EE, I was not doing the full program. I was only doing the pipe breathing and round breathing...so in actuality, I wasn't doing EE at all. I did the full program yesterday afternoon while everyone was away (it can get rather loud and I can't do it when people are in the house) but I honestly felt like I could cry. I backed off when my mind entered the picture and reminded me how much I hate feeling like that. But I know that it's something I need to get out of my system, so next chance I get to be alone in the house again, I'll go for it.

The good thing with EE is that you can really do it at your own pace. If you ever feel it's too much, then you take a break, or skip Beatha. But the Prayer of the Soul every night could do wonders. Also keeping a diary might help. And of course, if you need any feedback and support, you can always continue writing here.

At least from my own experience, when so many emotions have been bottled up, I think it's best to go slowly, so that each thing can be processed. Otherwise, you could end up with an "overload", like a dam that suddently burts. But you'll know what is best as you continue exploring.

We have all been there, one way or another. And we still are, always discovering new programs, new mistakes, etc. The important thing, IMO, is what we do with that. You seem to already have made a big step.

All the best to you, Sadeyes. It's possible. The more and more you get in touch with your emotions, the more you might be able to navigate through this world without hurting others, and "fighting for your destiny", not against others or yourself.

2. Cognitive Science
Strangers to Ourselves2.1 - Timothy D. Wilson
Redirect: The Surprising New Science of Psychological Change2.2 - Timothy D. Wilson
Thinking, Fast and Slow2.3 - Daniel Kahneman
You Are Not So Smart2.4 - David McRaney
What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do The Opposite2.5 - David DiSalvo

3. Neuroscience
In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness3.1 - Peter A. Levine
The Archaeology of Mind: Neuroevolutionary Origins of Human Emotions3.2 - Jaak Panksepp and Lucy Biven
Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships3.3 - Daniel Goleman
The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation3.4 - Stephen W. Porges
Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy3.5 - Pat Ogden, Kekuni Minton and Clare Pain

4. Narcissism "Big Five"
Myth of Sanity - Martha Stout
The Narcissistic Family - Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
Trapped in the Mirror4.1 - Elan Golomb
Unholy Hungers - Barbara E. Hort
Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age4.2 - George K. Simon

5. Psychopathy
The Sociopath Next Door - Martha Stout
Women Who Love Psychopaths - Sandra Brown
Snakes in Suits - Robert Hare and Paul Babiak
Without Conscience - Robert Hare
The Mask of Sanity - Hervey Cleckley
Political Ponerology - Andrzej Lobaczewski

6. Other Psychology
The Caricature of Love6.1 - Hervey Cleckley
Making Sense of People6.2 - Samuel Barondes
Positive Disintegration - Kazimierz Dabrowski
Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking - Malcolm Gladwell
How to Spot a Dangerous Man - Sandra Brown
Predators - Anna Salter
Operators and Things - Barbara O'Brien
Drama of the Gifted Child - Alice Miller
In Broad Daylight - Harry N. MacLean
Molecules of Emotion - Candace Pert
Mean Genes - Terry Burnham and Jay Phelan
The Denial of Death - Ernest Becker
Escape from Evil - Ernest Becker

Looking forward to hearing about your progress!

 

[Eongar]

With the issue of having a diary that mentioned Ailén, perhaps you can serve Pennebaker's proposal:

http://www.sott.net/article/239884-Writing-to-Heal

From experience I can say that writing what you have inside helps clarify things.

 

[Explorer]

Hey Sadeyes.

I'd just like to chip in on the recommendations to seek out therapy. It really helped me understand the more serious issues in my life, and as a result I now have a better understanding of how to deal with them.

The simple act of just getting everything out helps a lot as well, especially if you aren't used to expressing emotions, hurts, and "negative" or disturbing thoughts.

It helps remove some of the "pressure" that builds up from so much suppression, something that is greatly beneficial.

Good luck.

 

[RedFox]

As far as the emotions and therapy goes, I don't have the money for that; we barely get by as it is, so any books you can recommend to get me acquainted with my newly found emotions would be awesome!

You may also want to check out Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind.
It has been particularly useful in getting past my mind kicking in whenever my emotions started to come up. Understanding it allowed me to be with them without feeling weak/foolish/wrong. fwiw