I do bit my nails since I remember, I think it was due/from Maternal Separation Anxiety Lilou mentions, I remember I used to do the thumb sucking, then bracelets kind of appear by suggestion of the dentist, after that I went on bitting nails, it was around the same time 5 years old, the bracelets and .... my sister born around that time and within months, my mother had been talking since I remember that she talked to family members about whom was going to take care of my sister if she dies.
Since I remember, my mother had told me that I had been spying, being unnoticed, hearing around, have perspicacity of some sorts, I would like to think that I head that, and I do remember seeing my mother at the bed/recovering, a year before that, we used to live at another place, and my one and only living grandfather died, the only moment I do remember of him in my memories, not from association from photographs or other family members memories is he being taken to the hospital, he had a nasty fall, I do remember he took my hand, do not remember what he said, I never saw him again. Nowadays I know, that he didn't came back to our house, he went to another home, but later died. I do not know if it helps or not, that every member had said/been said/are saying that I am the most of the cousins having a lot of ressemblance to him.
Nowadays, my nails grow faster that I am able to chew them, I had caught myself that I tend to do it when I am nervous/anxious triggered by words if I am reading something, movies, situations, feelings of impotence, helplessness ... but sometimes is being unnoticed, I let my disassociation wandering.
I have in my pocket, at home, at work, in transit a clipper, I stop bitting and clip it out. It helps to do the manicure and apply nail polish (usually transparent, because I certainly do not want to attract other peoples eyes to my hands), I do not like my hands, nowadays they are rough and dry from work, taking boxes her and there, place products, clean, wash, etc ... sometimes I use gloves, but I do not like it.
The issue of perfectionism is mmm, weird? ... I had read about it, and had observed I have a lot of its characteristics, but I do not related it to perfectionism, must be the word related to perfect that I, certainly, am not near even by a close association. As in A+ being perfect, and I used to be C- or being successful.
---other kind of thoughs appeared being related but unnesessarily, and I ended up having this question:
How to come to balance from what I used to be to how I becoming?
Thanks for the article, still beign food for thought.
