Emotional Turmoil

[chaps23]

As I have been trying to progress I find myself repeating a step that is beginning to trouble me,

There have been so many lies in our world its hard to imagine how it holds together, It has been a rude awakening for me to say the least. Its strange how painful it has been since I was following people like Wilcock, Alex Jones and so many others, God only knows how much dam disinfo I've soaked up over the last few years. I have done some digging within my self but I am at a stage where I just conciously no longer know whats truth and whats not. I find myself constantly argueing with myself about my diet and can not manage to go glutien free as easily as I'd hoped, let alone make time to meditate do the EE Program or do anything else to assist in my progression.

I aksed my self "Why? is this just lazyness?" The thoughts that come to my mind is that I'm looking at this whole thing the wrong way, I straight away do the ego thing of making excuses for myself but I do strongly believe that the issue is I look at this as a fight I just cant win... The manipulaters of this world that have done all this are an entire dimension ahead of us, they can plan and predict everything we do and even change time if something doesn't go there way. I know how negative this sounds but emotionally I'm a mess and a huge portion of me wants to just throw this whole thing into the "Too Hard Basket!" I believe my self to be subconciously STS I subconciously manipulate my surroundings although I have seen a vast improvement in that area, I still feel that I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have learned so much about myself and the world these past few years but for some reason I feel my progress has been abruptly halted by my negative state of mind.

I'm sorry if this makes no sence but I needed to vent and you guys have been so good to me in the past for things like this your insights are priceless. Its like free counceling! I really wanna make a difference but where I live, with the recent events I have cut myself off from the people I networked with due to seeing an enormus ammount of coruption within the group on multiple occasions, it seems to me that 3rd and 4th D STS have infiltrated every corner of my life, its easier to simply cut them out of my life then try tirelessly as I have done in the past to help them when I just keep getting hurt. This website is my only escape at this point in time.

What do I do next? I will continue rigorisly to improve my diet, I have sent my application off for FOTCM Because I thouroughly believe in that the work they are doing its brilliant. Hopefully my options will open up soon, espeacially now that I am asking it too.

Another question is how do I know that I want to be STO? for all I know the reason I want to be STO is because I believe the way of STS is eventually a dead end, I feel that there may be a distinct possibility that i'm lying to myself which may be my current blockage.

So I ask all of you has anyone here been through or is going through any of this that can offer advice other than the change of diet which is already underway, its a slow process unfortunately untill I can sort out my core belief structure. At the end of the day I know I am the only person who can act on this but with other perspectives I believe may really help me here.

Sincere Regards,

Brent Chapman.

 

[seek10]

Hi Chaps23
you may find this post helpful.

http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,18191.msg169141.html#msg169141

I was reading this book "self-discipline in 10 days" mentioned in the above link. Though the concepts are not new if you have read psychology books suggested in the forum, but the presentation in simple steps to avoid self defeating attitudes ( which we can broadly call it predator's mind) is very useful. Basic concept is when one try to push themselves with out considering/challenging/ accepting their existence of subconscious beliefs/hurdles, it produces all sorts of self doubt, procrastination and failures

table of contents gives some brief intro

Preliminary Information
• Important! 2
• How To Use This Guidebook 5
1. Getting Started 7
2. Poisons & Antidotes 13
3. Action-oriented Self-talk 31
4. Understanding Self-Discipline 41
Part Two
The Ten Day Self-Discipline Development System
• Before You Begin 52
5. Day One: Fear of Failure 53
6. Day Two: Fear of Success 61
7. Day Three: Fear of Rejection 67
8. Day Four: Fear of Mediocrity 74
9. Day Five: Fear of Risks 78
Table Of Contents
Part Three
Subconscious Beliefs plus Five Power Tools
• Understanding Subconscious Belief Systems . . . . 89
10. Day Six: "All or Nothing" & Visualization 93
11. Day Seven: "I Must Be Perfect"
& Reward Systems 99
12. Day Eight: "I Can Achieve Without Discomfort"
& Vitaminds 109
13. Day Nine: "I Can't Change" & Relaxation 117
14. Day Ten: "Something Terrible Will Happen"
& AGoal Sheet 127
Part Four
Putting It All Together
• Congratulations! 135
• The Self-Discipline Process 136
15. The Decision Stage 137
16. The Preparation Stage 141
17. The Action Stage 147
18. The Completion/ Maintenance Stage 153
• About the Author

 

[SeekinTruth]

I think you should try to calm down and take practical steps, one at a time, day by day. The diet, as with everything else is an ongoing experiment and should be undertaken with enough knowledge by reading all the material. However going gluten-free -- and also casein-free -- is a first necessary step that can be done immediately without as much reading. This will already make huge improvements by reducing systemic inflammation including the brain. You can follow up with the revised elimination diet to see what foods effect you negatively.

As far as the STS/STO issue, we are all STS living in an STS world. This is pretty clear by closely observing the world we live in and observing our selves. So it is a question of cleaning your biological machine to better be able to do the Work on yourself and slowly, little by little, make better conscious choices that reinforce your inherent nature to Serve Others, if that IS your inherent nature, instead of the default mechanical state of serving self. In other words, great efforts and struggles are needed to go against the default mechanical state we're in. Getting out of your comfort zone intentionally and often -- intentional suffering and conscious efforts.

The fact of the matter is that you are STS, as are we all on this Big Blue Marble. We are also subjective. The only way to progress to being more objective is through our own subjectivity. The only way to become STO candidates is by Working on ourselves and networking here. It is a process, so taking it step by step is the only way to make progress. You will fall, as we all do. Then get up and continue, step by step.

Taking care of your diet is one way of getting practice and taking important, concrete steps toward having better discipline and being in optimal mental and physical health to be able to accomplish more in the Work on yourself in less time. As to doing the EE program it's the same as the diet, and they work synergistically, but you have to start somewhere. So maybe practice belly breathing (breathing with the diaphragm) for several days. When you're doing proper belly breathing, practice pipe breathing for several days. Then start doing the full program twice a week and pipe breathing and POTS every night before going to sleep.

I hope this helps.

 

[Buddy]

Your post reads like someone fighting sleep. If so, that's certainly understandable since consciousness seems to take a lot of energy. It takes very little to "forget" our birthright as humans and to go back temporarily to the full mechanical condition. Any daily routine event with a dissociating potential: poetry, music, certain rituals of numinous value, symmetrical body movements - such as dancing, running, walking or repetitive eye movements from reading - can mimic some or all of the effects of hypnosis. As you prolly know, G refers to this trance state as our general waking condition.

Seems like the function of all our stereotypical behaviors is to take over the old role of the "god", or the newer role of parent (via the introject) or other authority voices, temporarily annulling the role of consciousness, the subjective use of which has, over the last three thousand years or so, shaped cultures and society. This "taking over" allows the individual to return to being subjected, renouncing for a while being subjective; an operation that the hypnotized is more than happy to undergo, having an enormous desire to abandon the tiring consciousness and return to pre-conscious, pre-verbal Eden or matriarchal state of nature.

I would recommend to get plenty of rest if you need it and try to keep energy levels up as best you can. Don't go into the dark without a fight! ;)

[quote author=chaps23]
I feel that there may be a distinct possibility that i'm lying to myself which may be my current blockage.[/quote]

A good friend once told me if I experience any internal dialog at all, it's all lies so don't believe any of it. That gave me pause to wonder: which are the lies? Still sorting that one.

 

[mcb]

As I have been trying to progress I find myself repeating a step that is beginning to trouble me,

There have been so many lies in our world its hard to imagine how it holds together, It has been a rude awakening for me to say the least...

It never seems to end, either. I started having that kind of rude awakening 30 years ago and I still seem to have them regularly. Lies layered on top of lies on top of more lies. At some point I want to ask "Wow, how did they do that!"

I have done some digging within my self but I am at a stage where I just conciously no longer know whats truth and whats not. I find myself constantly argueing with myself about my diet and can not manage to go glutien free as easily as I'd hoped, let alone make time to meditate do the EE Program or do anything else to assist in my progression.

It is difficult to deal with "truth" in 3rd density. One could become upset about the difficulty -- and about what has not yet been accomplished -- and give up, or one could notice that difficulty = work to do, and carry on with the work itself.

...What do I do next? I will continue rigorisly to improve my diet, I have sent my application off for FOTCM Because I thouroughly believe in that the work they are doing its brilliant. Hopefully my options will open up soon, espeacially now that I am asking it too.

Sounds good, and be glad you aren't going through something really difficult. It can be much worse. Observe your thoughts. See if you can have them without all that frustration attached. Just thoughts.

 

[Alana]

I aksed my self "Why? is this just lazyness?" The thoughts that come to my mind is that I'm looking at this whole thing the wrong way, I straight away do the ego thing of making excuses for myself but I do strongly believe that the issue is I look at this as a fight I just cant win... The manipulaters of this world that have done all this are an entire dimension ahead of us, they can plan and predict everything we do and even change time if something doesn't go there way. I know how negative this sounds but emotionally I'm a mess and a huge portion of me wants to just throw this whole thing into the "Too Hard Basket!" I believe my self to be subconciously STS I subconciously manipulate my surroundings although I have seen a vast improvement in that area, I still feel that I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have learned so much about myself and the world these past few years but for some reason I feel my progress has been abruptly halted by my negative state of mind.

Brent, I don't know if this will help you, but it is one of the things that helped me get out of the negative state of mind that realizing the terror of the situation brought me in. Yes, the PTB -whoever/whatever they might be) are more powerful than me. And perhaps there's nothing I can do personally to change anything about the situation of this world. But, but, but.... I can change myself. Though the diet changes and EE, taking the reigns on my health and thus my mind, I am taking away their power over me. By learning as much as I can about myself and the reality as it is, (no matter how scary or intimating it might feel initially) I was getting out of the prison of ignorance that they have put me, and my parents before me, their parents before them. It was my only way to embower myself, my own little personal revolution.

And honestly, there was a time that even changing myself for myself, did not appear very appealing to me. But again, I realized that I was not alone. I was part of this networked, that understood better than me what it is we are fighting against, at the same time holding sacred the same values about Truth and Humanity and Beauty and Love that I held in my heart too (even if most often I didn't dare even admit them to myself, as they seemed too far from this reality to even hope that they will ever come to be). That's when it occurred to me that helping myself become a more humane being in charge of their self and life, it wasn't just for me. My tiny self development could be added to that of a bigger group, because it was little parts that made it big to begin with (some little parts were bigger than others, I must note).

What I am trying to say is, if you don't like who or how you are and behave, then change it. It takes as much effort and energy as it does to ponder about it, with the latter not bringing forth any results. It is up to you, and you only can push through whatever it is your are feeling at the moment, to resist that gluten-containing food in front of you, or to make yourself do some pipe-breathing and the meditation every night. It might be better if you don't do the beatha (bio-energetic) breathing at this point when you are feeling overwhelmed. But changing your diet and doing the program, are the two things that will help you overcome feeling this doom and gloom, which might be just brain chemistry issues that could be easily solved. Trust me, I used to have the kind of depressions that kept me in bed for days. Haven't had them for 4 years now, and the first things I cut out of my diet were gluten, dairy and sugar. When EE was added into the picture, my anxiety levels and stress were significantly reduced. And that's the case with almost every person who did these changes in their lives, as you would know if you read the diet and health section, or the EE threads. What do you have to lose by trying?

Fwiw...

Edit to add: You might want to read this article that was posted on sott a few years back:

http://www.sott.net/articles/show/152054-Our-Learned-Helplessness

 

[Gwenllian]

As I have been trying to progress I find myself repeating a step that is beginning to trouble me,

There have been so many lies in our world its hard to imagine how it holds together, It has been a rude awakening for me to say the least. Its strange how painful it has been since I was following people like Wilcock, Alex Jones and so many others, God only knows how much dam disinfo I've soaked up over the last few years. I have done some digging within my self but I am at a stage where I just conciously no longer know whats truth and whats not. I find myself constantly argueing with myself about my diet and can not manage to go glutien free as easily as I'd hoped, let alone make time to meditate do the EE Program or do anything else to assist in my progression.

Hi Chaps23,

Isn't this also part of the process? Coming to the realisation how we have been lied to, in every area of life, and how many layers there are, how much disinfo we have actually "soaked up" and how much time it will take (if not the rest of our lives) to unlearn and undamage? No wonder you feel confused and desperate (that is what I glean from your post). Maybe you could see this as step one. Establishing that you do not know what is truth and what isn't. I did not either. But I am reading. Not just these threads, but also the QFS books. I do not know whether you have done a lot of reading? But just to have some of these books on my shelf has a calming effect on me, just like EE.

What I am learning on this forum (and something I have wished to do for quite some time) is to learn how to develop a scientific mind. To learn how I can search for and look at information in an objective manner. That also helps me when I feel confused and stuck in a programme or two.
But I do take baby steps. I cannot do it any other way. What is that lovely Tao saying? A 1000 km journey begins with the first step?

Hope this helps.

 

[Jeremy F Kreuz]

Hi chaps 23,

I can relate to what you have been writing. I think one of the tricks the predators mind uses when you have made the decision to make changes in your life is too induce you to become too ambitious: you want to change? Ok than change all and do it now. This is of course impossible and as a consequence you don´t get there, upon which the predators mind can tell you: you see, you are not capable of changing, you are weak, you are bad, so why not give it all up and go back to sleep. At least this happened to me.

The trick I applied was to make very concrete promises to myself that I could keep. Before I went to bed, I would promise me one thing and one thing only to do the next day and keep to that. No other ambitions, nothing more and nothing less. Even when the next day I felt I could do more (again that attempt of the predators mind) I would just stick to the promise I made. All the rest of my ambitions I laid aside and did not bother about. In the evening I could tell myself: I kept my promise and the predator could not deny this: it was a fact. The predator could not tell me, yeah, but what about all the other changes? I could tell him: I did not promise anything about them to myself.

I would keep that promise for a few days, until it became a routine and it became natural. Only then I added a new promise and I kept it, again not bothering on what else is still one the list. And so, promise after promise, day after day, I started to make some significant changes.

G mentions in ISOTM that in the beginning of the work people tend to have too distant goals. True, you want to change diet, do EE, read the whole recommended list and most of all become asap man number four, five or even six. It does not work. What is your goal for tomorrow?

hope this helps.

 

[Nienna]

Chaps 23, it seems to me that you are trying to make changes in yourself by just jumping in the middle of this task rather than starting from the beginning. If I am wrong, then I apologize.

Have you read In Search of the Miraculous by Ouspensky? Or the Narcissism Big 5 books? If not, I recommend that you do so. These are very important books to help you on your way to getting control of your programs.

Changing your diet is a really tough thing to do as gluten, dairy, sugar, heck all carbohydrates are addicting. So you are kicking an addiction. It is tough. But you can only do these things if you don't anticipate, keep your aim in mind and not beat yourself up when you slip. Just pick yourself up and start again. You are not the only one who has trouble kicking these things. But, also, you really need to take this seriously, which you seem to be doing.

Have you read the books Life Without Bread, Primal Body, Primal Mind and The Vegetarian Myth?

I know that this is a lot of readying, but we really cannot do anything until we understand why we are doing it. Once we firmly understand why we should be doing this, it is easier to have an aim and to accomplish it.

Step by step we accomplish that which we set out to do. First they are baby steps, then, they become firmer and steadier.

 

[mcb]

...Have you read In Search of the Miraculous by Ouspensky? Or the Narcissism Big 5 books? If not, I recommend that you do so. These are very important books to help you on your way to getting control of your programs...

Especially the Narcissim Big 5.

 

[chaps23]

Thankyou all from the bottom of my heart, its warming to read these statements. Before replying I'm going to read all this a little more indepth when I get the chance, its hard to do this whilst I'm at work.

 

[MoskoeOne]

Hi Chaps23. I want to say I feel very much in the same boat as you. The struggle feels like a heavy wave arching over a very deep part of my senses.
Two things I considered:

(these are most likely things you are aware of, in which case to re-inforce them)
1 - I realised suddenly that my overwhelming fear/shame/or I should say very non-descript emotions, where an entirely positive force driving me to be excited and stay awake, that the feeling of wanting to sleep because it was too hard, was really the desire to stay awake.
2 - With this came the realisation that what I sensed as shame/or the sense that such an ammount of time in the past had been wasted was actually pride/joy in realising my passed negativity was due to an incapacity, (an incapacity exacerbated by my positive intention) not a floored motivation, i.e the inertia that had driven my waking was infact somehow inversed into a sense of loss, until the ability to see through that came through. Especially after that the predator mind becomes desperate to grab control, the fact that these feelings are so strong may be a sign of how desperate and weak that influence is becoming, and it WILL hang around waiting for opportunities.

 

[chaps23]

You all wouldn't believe it.

I wrote this massive reply then copied and pasted it into my email so I could spell check it and "Poof" Lost the lot due to stupidity.

You can all be sure it was a well thought out couple of paragraphs, lol. I will attempt to re write it tonight when I get home and re post it tomorrow morning.

 

[mcb]

You all wouldn't believe it.

I wrote this massive reply then copied and pasted it into my email so I could spell check it and "Poof" Lost the lot due to stupidity.

You can all be sure it was a well thought out couple of paragraphs, lol. I will attempt to re write it tonight when I get home and re post it tomorrow morning.

Ouch. Talk about emotional turmoil!

That can be a good learning experience, though. Sometimes, too, it's a message to reconsider and try again.