N
no-mans-land
Guest
Yesterday I met an old friend, probably the best friend I've ever had. We lost sight a few years ago, mostly because we had to deal with different problems, all suppressed by drug abuse. We smoked a lot of weed together. Every one of us had huge problems to talk about our emotions and how life circumstances are affecting each of us.
Now, I decided to take the chance to try to solve some past issues and have a look at what is left of this old friendship, though, as things turned out, it almost breaks my heart.
First we met at our old pub, joking around a little bit and start to drink something (mostly Jack Daniels^^). I usually don't drink alcohol because I cant tolerate it and it makes my sick all the time. But nevertheless I begun to drink with him because it seems that this was his usual procedure to start the conversation. In this respect, he doesent really changed.
The conversation was, at the beginning, quite normal. I asked him about the last years, what happend to him, what he is doing now and what he would like to do in the future. Just how live is going and what he thinks he achieved so far. At the last time I saw him and talked with him in an more ore less open manner, he seems to struggle with life in the same way as I was doing it. This was 8 years ago.
After some more drinks, I tried to dig a little bit deeper in this past relationship and speak about what he thinks what kind of person he beliefs to became now and from what "stuff" he made up his own world. I never talked about the work here or what I think the world is made of, I always asking him for his opinion about this or that or if he know this or that. I tried to see if he had any questions or if there some trace of the old struggle left in him.
Once he stated that "he got it", what means that he solved the problem of live and discovert what its all about. He said, "everything is evolution and reproduction". Every attempt to dig into the possibility's of consciousness and the variations of this phenomenon is merely a waste of time because it doesent matter anyway. Man is just a slave of evolution and every thing what others perceive to be outside of the law of evolution is just an illusion. He said that he solved some of his early traumas with the help of some friends who are psychologists and now he knows who he really is and what he wants and how he can get it.
After the pub had closed, we walked in the direction of his home because he said he must get up early and so I decided to go half the way with him so that we can speak a few minutes more. We walked towards the end of the small village because he live in the next one and then he looked up and said "hey, we are walking under the sign of Cassiopeia". I was rather surprised to hear the word "Cassiopeia" and asked back "what?". He pointed to the sky and said "see, there is Cassiopeia, right next to the Pleiades, we are right under them". That was strange!
Then we walked out of the village into the dark night, but not that far because there was a small seat right next to a big tree and we stopped there, sat down and here, things become really interesting.
The whole evening I had the feeling that we don't come to the core, that there is something unspoken between us. I said, that the friendship with him always had great value for me and that I regret things happend in the past between us. He said that I never show him this value and he was right, nor he did. He said, that he show me how he really is now and let down the stupid mask a little bit, but he didn't see me. All he saw was the same old guy as 8 years before and thinks that nothing had changed in me. I am still someone who fails in live, be unsatisfied and give the guild for this straight to other people. If he try to see me, he sees nothing just a mask, an empty man.
He seems pretty sure that he can judge everyone right to the point only by looking at them, quite disturbing.
I don't know how he came to this conclusions because he never asked something about me, I was asking all the time. It's like he sees only what he can see and this is the old image of me that still exists within him.
If I view this from the angle of the work, it seems that his personality wins the battle and he became finally identified with it. He like to shape this personality, like he say, that he work "right", that he will become more and more functional within this world and the society. He thinks, that the perfect person is someone who build a house, married a wife and raise children. This is something what have true value and this is what he would like to achieve.
As we came to an end with our conversation I knew that we are, now, totally different persons with different aims and different ways. After the goodbye, he went further into the dark night, while I return to the village, to the light and under the sign of Cassiopeia. Quite symbolic.
I feel sad that he does not have questions anymore and that our ways would probably never cross again. He was my best friend and it almost breaks my heart to see where he is going.
But I feel now also some kind of release, a heavy burden that followed me a long time seems to be gone and today I woke up without any headaches or nausea. I was hungry and felt astonishing good. I was so drunken that the next day usually should be the hell on earth, but it wasn't (actually even a small amount of alcohol would knock me down the next day).
Thanks for your attention. If there are some thoughts or questions, I will be glad to read them.
Now, I decided to take the chance to try to solve some past issues and have a look at what is left of this old friendship, though, as things turned out, it almost breaks my heart.
First we met at our old pub, joking around a little bit and start to drink something (mostly Jack Daniels^^). I usually don't drink alcohol because I cant tolerate it and it makes my sick all the time. But nevertheless I begun to drink with him because it seems that this was his usual procedure to start the conversation. In this respect, he doesent really changed.
The conversation was, at the beginning, quite normal. I asked him about the last years, what happend to him, what he is doing now and what he would like to do in the future. Just how live is going and what he thinks he achieved so far. At the last time I saw him and talked with him in an more ore less open manner, he seems to struggle with life in the same way as I was doing it. This was 8 years ago.
After some more drinks, I tried to dig a little bit deeper in this past relationship and speak about what he thinks what kind of person he beliefs to became now and from what "stuff" he made up his own world. I never talked about the work here or what I think the world is made of, I always asking him for his opinion about this or that or if he know this or that. I tried to see if he had any questions or if there some trace of the old struggle left in him.
Once he stated that "he got it", what means that he solved the problem of live and discovert what its all about. He said, "everything is evolution and reproduction". Every attempt to dig into the possibility's of consciousness and the variations of this phenomenon is merely a waste of time because it doesent matter anyway. Man is just a slave of evolution and every thing what others perceive to be outside of the law of evolution is just an illusion. He said that he solved some of his early traumas with the help of some friends who are psychologists and now he knows who he really is and what he wants and how he can get it.
After the pub had closed, we walked in the direction of his home because he said he must get up early and so I decided to go half the way with him so that we can speak a few minutes more. We walked towards the end of the small village because he live in the next one and then he looked up and said "hey, we are walking under the sign of Cassiopeia". I was rather surprised to hear the word "Cassiopeia" and asked back "what?". He pointed to the sky and said "see, there is Cassiopeia, right next to the Pleiades, we are right under them". That was strange!
Then we walked out of the village into the dark night, but not that far because there was a small seat right next to a big tree and we stopped there, sat down and here, things become really interesting.
The whole evening I had the feeling that we don't come to the core, that there is something unspoken between us. I said, that the friendship with him always had great value for me and that I regret things happend in the past between us. He said that I never show him this value and he was right, nor he did. He said, that he show me how he really is now and let down the stupid mask a little bit, but he didn't see me. All he saw was the same old guy as 8 years before and thinks that nothing had changed in me. I am still someone who fails in live, be unsatisfied and give the guild for this straight to other people. If he try to see me, he sees nothing just a mask, an empty man.
He seems pretty sure that he can judge everyone right to the point only by looking at them, quite disturbing.
I don't know how he came to this conclusions because he never asked something about me, I was asking all the time. It's like he sees only what he can see and this is the old image of me that still exists within him.
If I view this from the angle of the work, it seems that his personality wins the battle and he became finally identified with it. He like to shape this personality, like he say, that he work "right", that he will become more and more functional within this world and the society. He thinks, that the perfect person is someone who build a house, married a wife and raise children. This is something what have true value and this is what he would like to achieve.
As we came to an end with our conversation I knew that we are, now, totally different persons with different aims and different ways. After the goodbye, he went further into the dark night, while I return to the village, to the light and under the sign of Cassiopeia. Quite symbolic.
I feel sad that he does not have questions anymore and that our ways would probably never cross again. He was my best friend and it almost breaks my heart to see where he is going.
But I feel now also some kind of release, a heavy burden that followed me a long time seems to be gone and today I woke up without any headaches or nausea. I was hungry and felt astonishing good. I was so drunken that the next day usually should be the hell on earth, but it wasn't (actually even a small amount of alcohol would knock me down the next day).
Thanks for your attention. If there are some thoughts or questions, I will be glad to read them.
