Feeling like a weight has been lifted

Celena Johnson

Celena Johnson

Padawan Learner
Hello from NJ;

I haven't posted on the forum in a while; I'm not sure where this fits in but I'm hoping for some feedback or at the least to maybe share some similar feelings to the situation I will briefly describe (don't want to take too much time to get to why i titled this the way I did)

I recently became separated from my boyfriend of three and a half years. The break up was quick (over the phone while I was at work).

Back story...I recently came out of the hospital for my depression/anxiety...I was pretty low (as low as some may assume one with depression can get). I did a really stupid and oddly eye opening thing, and that landed me in the "hospital" for a week. Any who my partner at the time went through this with me, and to make a long story short, less than a week after I left the hospital he is complaining of anxiety. So Friday afternoon I'm at work and I receive a text from his mom saying me partner was just released from the hospital (vitamin defiance she told me, with an anxiety attack, which I guess could be a thing). He had really poor eating habits, and often "partook" for long hours without eating, something I had previously pointed out, I often though he should look into his health better. This weekend I suggested he do exactly the latter, go to a doctor, take care of himself. He was just through so much with me and my issues. I text back I hope he rest and I'm glad he had got what he needed, and I hoped she was okay to. I get a phone call...I'm told that by him that he is going to sleep the rest of the day, (that day being Friday, I go over his house every weekend) of course I agree. Something odd happens just then, I'm accused of not caring and being heartless for not wanting to be around him when he was ill "a person should want to be around their loved one when they are ill". I'm a middle child in a family of four (my mother, sister, and currently incarcerated brother) and the only person in my house with a job, we have no car, I commute to work. The kicker, he lives 17 miles away (highway). I really don't mean to complain I'm sure a lot of people do that and harder, back to my briefness... he was my only means to him...he had the car. In short I was broken up with and accused of being cold heart-ed and not caring, I didn't fight, I complied.

Immediately after I hung up the phone, or he hung up, I had this huge surge of relief! Like a weight had been lifted, and I had been feeling so ever since. I'm not sad, I'm not losing sleep, no I guess normal emotions one would have after a breakup of that long (if 3 yrs is long). I am almost gleeful, like I have fallen in love or something.

Now to my reach out/is this normal portion; was he right, am I heartless? I re-read this before posting and realized I described my ex boyfriend symptoms prior to being diagnosed as " complaining" .. I mean none of you know me personally so you couldn't possibly answer that, but, I guess why am I not sad? Why do I feel this new found energy for work and wanting to reach out. Was some part of me being drained? I could have checked out and expected it, unconscious preparation I guess. I keep feeling like he made the best discussion of my life! I'm comfortable in accepting that maybe he needed emotion that I couldn't afford for the reason stated in the beginning. I just don't understand what the heck happened...in an instant and I feel free...I did love him...I care for him as a person and don't wish anything bad. We planned a future and over the phone...poof...and I feel better than ever!
Is it right to be this okay...happy...renewed (for lack of better words).

I just wanted to share, feel free to comment or share similar feelings. I feel like I'm going to be a lot more active around here and I would like to see where this can take me.

Fyi: for the depression I was prescribed paxil and I did some reading on it. I'm going back off another antidepressant. I'm not going back.

Thank you for reading.
 
"he must think, above all, that his clarity is almost a mistake. And a moment will come when he will understand that his clarity was only a point before his eyes".
 
As a general rule, I would say that if you feel relief after taking that step, then it was probably the right one. However, don't be surprised if in a few days your mood changes and you start feeling sad and that you miss him. That would be normal, because in human relationships it is common to be somehow addicted to the other, so being away from them feels like withdrawal.

If he told you he wanted to sleep all day due to illness and you simply agreed to that, then I don't think you did anything wrong. What did he expect you to do if he was supposed to be sleeping? And if he really wanted or needed you to be around, why didn't he simply ask for it openly?

Regarding your own depression, maybe you should check out the health section of the forum. You may find some info there that can help you. At the moment the thread on the importance of iodine is the hot topic. Iodine has been used to treat depression too. Here is the thread:

https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,13371.0.html

And a recent Sott article about it:

http://www.sott.net/article/307684-Iodine-Suppressed-knowledge-that-can-change-your-life
 
celenajohnson23 said:
Immediately after I hung up the phone, or he hung up, I had this huge surge of relief! Like a weight had been lifted, and I had been feeling so ever since. I'm not sad, I'm not losing sleep, no I guess normal emotions one would have after a breakup of that long (if 3 yrs is long). I am almost gleeful, like I have fallen in love or something.
Click to expand...

It looks like this was the right thing to happen for you. You can tell by the results. Sometimes people use the 'pity ploy' to control others so they can use people as a source of support and energy. Also, look at what society 'expects' from people as well. Is this what you really want for yourself? Many of us have been caught in this trap before. Both doing what society 'expects' of us, as well as what other people want us to do - usually for them!

celenajohnson23 said:
Now to my reach out/is this normal portion; was he right, am I heartless? (snip) Is it right to be this okay...happy...renewed (for lack of better words).
Click to expand...

I think you know the answer to that! By the way, how does one 'defy' a vitamin? Lol. I think that's what is known as a "Freudian slip". http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/freudian-slip

Maybe you were defying him by not doing what he or his mother wanted? And maybe he was defying common sense and reality by not taking better care of himself, listening to you, and instead, expecting you to 'take care' of him when some of these things are actually his responsibility?
 
Thank you for the advice and links. Im going to look more into iodine and its benefits. I usually post like this when im trying to think. It helps to have people and a place to learn and gather useful information. As far as how im feeling now...Still in the best mood i have been in, in a while!!

I did pay attention to his behavior patterns and pitty is his card of choice when it comes to getting something his way; the mother to. I am using what i have learned from the wave series and don juan when i observe (always more to learn) everything was control.

Feeling like like this was the best thing for me...cant help but feel like i defeated the control accidentally...just happy to be off that branch and on to another.

Reading the links now!!! Thank you all for your time and assistance with my thoughts (as far as helping me critically think about this and supporting with material)
 
Remember what the Cs say: Pity those who pity. Because inspiring pity in others is a form of manipulation.

This is quite different from compassion. The way I understand it, when we pity we are forced to look down on the other like a pathetic poor devil that can't stand on his own feet. But compassion is about considering what is best for the other's soul - a soul like ours who is on the same boat of life on earth like us - so you act accordingly. This can be, depending on the circumstances, a diametrically opposite response than you would give for one who inspires pity. For example, in your case it may be that your ex boyfriend needs exactly what he is getting right now in order to grow: to learn to be alone so he does not need to manipulate.
 
Thank you for your time Windmill knight :) :) :) :)

I felt like the pity was being pulled out of me. In short I did a lot I'm realizing to please both the mother and son. I appreciate the hospitality, having someone over every weekend is hard when working two jobs. Rest is important, and the weekend is when most people want to be in their comfort zone (sleeping, watching tv ect). So of course I did my best to stay out of the way and help out. My weekends became chores and running around for or with the mother or son. Out of guilt or strong need to show my appreciation, I did whatever was asked with little problem... I'm no saint and of course had my moods and complained of being tired (to my ex never the mother) from time to time. I snapped and ended up in the hospital, the pressure to make everyone happy yet feeling like I was failing. And I went back after I was released from the hospital. Back to the same relationship, that much to my surprise would end 2 weeks later over the phone.

Which brings me to Don Juan; I only saw the game once I was benched. It feels almost accidental, yet clear! I feel like a weight has been lifted. I was in love, romantic love. I thought I was. I'm not sure if I'm making sense but it took something that I don't feel I would have done on my own (leave) to realize that I was in something very draining spiritually. I was being manipulated. And due to my own personality type, I let myself ignore signs because I loved that man. I couldn't live without him...I often thought I would die if he ever left me and no one would ever want me. Yeah like I said I'm happy and light! And that makes me feel guilty, like I lied to a person saying I love you and staying for so long.

I'm not sure if this is what the C's meant or Don Juan, just working the advice in my head. I am taking this as a lesson.
 
celenajohnson23 said:
I did whatever was asked with little problem...
Click to expand...

You might also want to read the book "When the Body Says No" by Gabor Mate. It sounds like you might have said yes a lot and neglected your own needs and desires, which could have contributed to the depression and hospitalization. There's a thread on the book here:

https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=34415.0

Good to hear that your mood's been improving! :)
 
Thank you foxx for the video! I realized that i usually feel like i burden others so i don't ask for help or reach out much as well. If anything the video is making me reflect on times where it may have been better for my health to say no or admiit when there is too much on me and need help. Learning my need to be liked (stemming from an infant need) has turned me into the "yes" woman...i need to realize my own independents.

Thank you for sharing, i have a lot to learn here, about myself, machine and world
 
Thanks for sharing your story, celenajohnson23.

Now that you're out of this relationship, it might be a good idea to try and stay very coolheaded regarding any new relationships. Check out the recommended psychology books, gather knowledge and strength. Get to know yourself. You might enjoy reading e.g. Sandra Brown's books on manipulative male partners, how to spot them, and how to deal with them.

I wouldn't be surprised if your ex contacts you soon, once he realises that his "food source" is gone. If you're lucky, he might have found another partner at this point.

Having said that, I think it's also good to review your own actions/behaviour in any relationship. We could unknowingly be feeding the unhealthy dynamics by our behaviour. So getting to know how your "machine works" is crucial in avoiding problems in the future. So, please don't hesitate to share more details - you need feedback from others to "see what you can't see for yourself". For instance, we don't really know your ex, so we can't know for sure what kind of person he is, but from what you describe it is possible that he is/was the problem.


ADDED: How To Spot A Dangerous Man by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
 
Thank you for the positive feedback. My main point for posting this was to in a way help anyone who may be in a situation like mine to realize they are not alone and there is a way out.

If anything i am beginning to notice that in myself i have this need to be liked and not to hurt anyone. It's so strong that a pattern of behavior began to grow from it, almost like im defining myself by how many people i keep happy. The stress became so strong and the guilt that was forced on me....just a bad mix. It took trying to leave this place to realize my own behavior has been contributing to a lot that i allowed.

Its becoming more and more apparent that i can't just gather knowledge without turning the info inward.
 
Thank you aragorn for taking the time to read my post.
Regarding new relationships, i think im going to hang back and get to know my own triggers and strengths. Im running with that book and advice
thank you so much and i am still feeling very active and well. A long way to go still, i have my walking shoes laced tight!
 
And looking back i do believe i fed a lot of the unhealthy behavior mainly because i didn't want to be alone. I wanted love and i was blind to a lot in that search. Im stronger today because i went through a relationship like the one i explained. Being a middle child i have always fought for affection so to me constantly giving in was normal. I fed the behaviour because it was normal to feel as if im not doing enough and giving my partner my all.

Read a thread on PAPD and relationships. Thinking that maybe i was willingly being a slipper, there for comfort to his needs and ending up in a psych ward for a week with mine. It was demanded that i care for him directly after i was discharged and i put my foot down. Finally! With that i was promptly broken up with over the phone

Will be looking for Sandra Brown's book
 
Celena, your situation reminded me a lot of similar situations, but one in particular that involved a job I had. I had gotten and accepted a better job with health insurance, etc. and was ready dreading giving notice as I genuinely liked the people I worked for when my dread was greatly compounded by my current boss saying that very day how glad she was she had me as a worker, how hard it was to find someone like me, etc. I almost died. As I am agonizing over giving my notice that day, an aunt of mine came in and she was an older, beautiful person in my life. I explained the situation to her and she being older and wiser said "You know Valerie, you have to do what's best for you." For some reason that simple statement struck home and I never forgot it. Doing what's best for you in a positive way cannot be a negative thing to someone else. They have to make their own lemonade. You don't have to make excuses to anyone. Just state how you feel and what you need to do and move on based on what you need to be a healthy person. Guilt is a fruitless pastime. You sound pretty healthy to me.
 
Hello villival!!

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I gave been feeling a lot better, been networking more, just a strong amount of energy. Has me thinking all of this was just what i really needed.

Glad to be among like minded people and feeling really sane lol so thank you for that :)

I hope the new job you went to lead to a better road. We will never know where life takes us.

Thank you and happy holidays!!!!
 
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