Genograms as a Tool for Self-Knowledge

[whitecoast]

Hi everyone, recently for a training workshop I had to complete a genogram chart, which is a more complex version of a family tree, illustrating the various emotional dynamics which occurred in my family of origin. One of the recommended books was Family Ties that Bind by Ronald W Richardson. I found the exercise to be quite useful, firstly because I actually had some great conversations with my parents and other elder family members about my grandparents, great grandparents, and the lives of my parents growing up, which were things I never really thought to look into very much. The facilitator helped me identify the presence of certain patterns in my own tree that weren’t apparent to me either, such as an experience of distancing in one side of my family. I had missed this because I invested a lot of energy more into the other side of my family, due to a number of conflicts I’ve had with this parent. I got a lot of value out of that exercise, and I think it could be a useful project for people to dive into for their own growth.

I remember from reading Amazing Grace how much energy Laura invested into her genealogical studies, and how through extensive interviews and questions she was able to hone in and really get to the root of a number of the family dynamics she herself grew up in, and saw many patterns repeat or bounce off each other in interesting ways. Having gone through a lighter version of this process myself, I really have to tip my hat to its value in understanding myself. I felt quite pumped from the process, both in the discovery process and the feeling of a deeper closeness I had with family members, and I think a lot of other people here could benefit from doing this kind of investigative work also, hence why I am sharing.



Book Summary

Family Ties that Bind was a real tour de force for talking about the various ways that our own family systems shape our perceptions of ourselves as well as many of the filial and romantic relationships we find ourselves in in our adult lives. It discusses a myriad of dynamics such as closeness vs distancing among family members, unwritten rules in the family and consequences of their being broken, triangulation and coalitions as ways to diffuse stress or disagreement, enmeshment and fusion, over- vs under-functioning, dealing with differentiation of family members, defenses against the anxiety over conflict such as compliance, faux-rebellion, acting out, as well as cutting off, and how these patterns of acting with parents show up in our own intimate relationships when the underlying causes of a person’s internal obstacles to relating are not addressed.

One of the most interesting chapters was the influence of birth order and sibling genders on how you interact with members of both sexes both inside and outside of romantic connections. The oldest sister of sisters develops a distinct repertoire of relational habits compared to her younger sister, or being the oldest sister of brothers instead.

The book also offers practical advice on taking ownership of one’s own patterns and learning to push past them and relate to people, in spite of hangups we can inherit from our family of origin. The important key given is to differentiate and individuate, and in doing so grow beyond the patterns. It’s not about blaming the parents or wallowing in the past. It’s about understanding more about the family dynamics you grew up in and identify patterns which may still be active within you and sabotaging your own ability to relate to them or to partners, and fundamentally to give you the tools to change those behaviors.

Constructing a Genogram

Because of the centrality of the genogram as a tool for studying our own family of origin and the dynamics at play, it offers a lot of instruction and tips on its construction.

Basic approaches involve compiling lists of family members, going at least 3 generations back as best you can, to find dates of birth, death, marriages, divorces, estrangements, repairs, miscarriages, and abortions.

It is recommended you interview family members, sometimes over multiple sessions to answer as many of these questions as you can. You can also ask a number of questions to help identify some of the emotional dynamics or patterns acting out in families. Due to bias people can have and the tendency of some families to scapegoat or displace conflicts, usually the more people who get interviewed the more accurate your family depictions will be.

It seems like the interview questions are already in the cloud, so I asked Grok to pull the list of questions, which you should custom-tailor and pace out so interviewees aren’t overwhelmed or feel some pressure to shut down due to defenses and so on.

List of Interview Questions for Family Members​

Family System and Rules (Chapter 2: Families Are Strange Creatures)​

These questions explore how the family operates as a system and the unspoken rules that govern behavior, per “The Hip Bone’s Connected to the Thigh Bone” and “Eat Your Spinach.”

1. Growing up, what were the “unwritten rules” in our family about how we were supposed to act or feel? (e.g., “Don’t show anger” or “Always put family first.”)
2. How did our family handle disagreements or conflicts when you were young? Can you share a story about a time things got tense?
3. What was considered “normal” in our family that might have seemed unusual to outsiders? (e.g., how we celebrated holidays or dealt with problems.)
4. Who in the family seemed to set the tone or make the big decisions, and how did others react to that?
5. What was the hardest thing for you to do or say in our family, and why do you think that was?

Closeness and Distance (Chapter 3: You Never Talk to Me)​

These questions probe emotional bonds and boundaries, based on “Come Closer – Not Too Close” and “All the World Wants a Mommy.”
6. Who in the family were you closest to growing up, and what made that relationship feel special or safe?
7. Was there anyone in the family you felt distant from, and what do you think kept you apart?
8. How did our family show affection or support for each other? Were there times when that felt hard to do?
9. Did you ever feel like you had to keep certain feelings or thoughts to yourself? Can you share an example?
10. Who in the family took on the role of caretaker or “fixer” when things got tough, and how did that affect everyone else?

HandlingOver-Functioning, Under-Functioning, and Differentiation (Chapter 5: How to Be True to Yourself)​

These questions focus on roles, responsibilities, and individual identity, drawing from “Free to Be Me” and “Let Mother Take Care of It.”
11. Did you ever feel like you had to take on a specific role in the family, like the peacemaker, the rebel, or the responsible one? How did that shape you?
12. Was there someone in the family who seemed to rely on others to handle things for them? How did that affect family dynamics?
13. What was it like for you to express your own opinions or desires in the family? Were there times you felt you couldn’t be yourself?
14. How did you find a balance between being part of the family and pursuing your own goals or identity?
15. Can you share a time when you stood up for what you wanted, even if it went against what the family expected?

Triangles and Coalitions (Chapter 6: Triangles in Relationships)​

These questions explore how family members form alliances or shift tension, based on “Three’s a Crowd” and “You and Me Against Her.”
16. Were there times when two family members teamed up to deal with a problem or conflict with a third person? Can you describe what happened?
17. Did you ever feel caught in the middle of a disagreement between other family members? How did you handle it?
18. Were there certain “go-to” people in the family that others would vent to or lean on during conflicts?
19. How did our family deal with stress or tension? Did it ever feel like problems got redirected to someone else?
20. Can you think of a time when a family issue seemed to involve more than just the people directly involved? What was that like?

Birth Order and Gender Dynamics (Chapter 7: Who’s on First?)​

These questions examine how birth order and gender shaped family roles, per “The Oldest Child” and “The Youngest Child.”
21. How did your place in the family (e.g., oldest, youngest, middle) affect how you were treated or what was expected of you?
22. Did you notice differences in how boys and girls were treated in our family? Can you share an example?
23. What was it like being [their birth order, e.g., the oldest sister] in our family? Did you feel any specific pressures or freedoms because of it?
24. How did your relationships with your siblings shape who you are? Was there a sibling dynamic that stood out for you?
25. Did you ever feel like your role in the family was influenced by being the [e.g., youngest brother of sisters]? How so?

Family History and Patterns (Chapter 8: Doing the Work, Steps 3-4)​

These questions dig into the family’s broader history and intergenerational patterns, aligning with “Developing a History” and “Dr. Livingston, I Presume?: Researching.”
26. What stories or values did your parents or grandparents pass down about their own childhoods or family life?
27. Were there challenges or patterns (like addiction, conflict, or silence) that seemed to run through our family across generations?
28. How did your parents’ relationships with their own parents affect how they raised us?
29. Can you share a memory about our extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) that shaped how you saw our family?
30. What’s something about our family’s past that you think influenced how we all get along today?

Personal Reflections and Differentiation (Chapter 8: Step 6, This Is Me, Like It or Not)​

These questions encourage reflection on personal growth and staying true to oneself, per “Differentiating.”
31. Looking back, what’s something you wish you could have done or said differently in our family? Why?
32. How has your relationship with the family changed as you’ve grown older or become more independent?
33. Can you share a time when you felt really proud of being yourself around the family, even if it was tough?
34. What’s been the hardest part of staying connected to the family while being true to your own values or goals?
35. How do you think our family’s dynamics have shaped the way you handle relationships outside the family?

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How to Use These Questions​

These 35 questions are designed to spark deep, reflective conversations that align with Family Ties That Bind’s goal of understanding and changing your experience in your family of origin. Here’s how to approach them, based on Richardson’s advice (Chapters 8 and 11):

• Pick a Few: Don’t overwhelm your family member. Choose 5-10 questions that feel relevant to their role (e.g., parent vs. sibling) and the dynamics you’re curious about. For example, ask a parent about family history (Q26-30) and a sibling about birth order (Q21-25).
• Be Curious, Not Confrontational: Frame questions gently to avoid defensiveness. For example, say, “I’m trying to understand our family better—can you share what it was like for you?” (Introduction, p. 4).
• Listen Actively: Let them tell stories without interrupting. Take notes to reflect later, as Richardson suggests in Step 3 (p. 97).
• Focus on Yourself: Use the answers to understand your own patterns, not to judge or change others (Chapter 11, p. 4). For instance, if a parent describes a family rule (Q1), reflect on how it affects your behavior today.
• Combine with Genograms: As you gather answers, add emotional dynamics (e.g., closeness, conflict) to a genogram, as described in Chapter 8 (p. 92), to visualize patterns.
• Be Patient: Some family members may be guarded. Start with lighter questions (e.g., Q6, Q29) and build trust before diving into tougher ones (e.g., Q17, Q27).

A number of infographic or copy websites like Canva, Vennage, and Edrawmax have genogram templates. You can also use GenoPro, which is a more specialized genealogy software. Of course you can easily create one on some poster board, paper, or a whiteboard, proving you have multiple marker colors.

Genograms can be custom-taylored to look at important influences on your family system, whether that’s religious differences (inter-faith marriages), prevalence of alcoholism, mental illness, race (if relevant to the dynamics), hemophilia, generational changes in wealth, and so on.

Here’s a cheat sheet for a number of genogram symbols from the GenoPro website, which illustrate how to indicate certain types of connections and relationships. It also shows the importance of different line colors:

https://genopro.com/genogram/Genogram-Basic-Symbols.pdf


Here are some examples of genograms, taken from the Edrawmax.com website. You can see they are custom-tailored to illustrate the types of relevant dynamics in the family.

 

[Noctu]

Thank you for this valuable post.

I also use(d) EdrawMax for genograms.