Giving when you are feeling very tired

[Nimue]

Now I'm getting older, probably it won't be a problem, and next time I will slap them. They can explain the red marks to their wives.

I could understand this reaction, always when it comes to sexual harassment my temperature is rising..

Maybe an interesting experience I have had on a neighbourhood barbecue can help you to deal with this guy the next time….

There is a guy / friend, who has wandering hands (friendly expressed), on every event or birthday party he must look for a new victim, some husbands have also
this “easygoing attitude” , so we girls have to deal with him on our own (flight). On an neighbourhood barbecue he sat next to his renter, a very quite and friendly girl,
on the party were approx. 50 people from our village. I have observed his behaviour for a while, and heard her gentle saying “ Please take your hands off” in a stoically calmness she
repeated it three or four times again…. Then she raised her voice and shouted “ X … take your hands off , I said more than one time I don´t like this “… really everyone on the barbecue heard this,
there was a deadly silence also the husbands were embarrassed, and not long after this he left the barbecue…..he has never touched one of us again, and now he is an rarely seen guest on our party's. :D
This was absolutely breathtaking, to see this nice girl raising her voice and to stand up against Mr. Wandering hands so that the focus was directly on his behaviour, and everyone
could see what he was doing, and she doesn´t care wether there were all the neighbours, or if the others think she is difficult, she only stood up for her right ….for me an absolutely important learning experience.

Hope this could be help to you, and isn´t too off topic !

 

[Matt]

(...)I was okay with this for a few evenings actually until the photographer came along and this older guy was very rude to him, and made a racist comment.
After that, I found it hard to cope spending several more evening in his company and became resentful and even more drained. And bored. We couldn't focus on each other as a family at all, which was the whole point of the holiday.
My husband found him a little tiresome, but wasn't so drained. The guy was lonely and had recently suffered the loss of his brother, father and a recent divorce.
He wasn't looking for sympathy just companionship. I mean I would never presume on other people like that, especially much younger ones, but was I draining myself with feeling resentful and ? My husband and kids weren't as bothered as me.
The days were great, scuba diving, swimming, napping by the pool, etc, except my eldest daughter was having enormous psychological problems at the time.
The last day there, we had to vacate our room, and I hid in the lobby (childishly?) to escape the photographer and the elderly gentleman.
Anyway, I left feeling more tired than ever, and had a stomping cold. Due to a bad attitude?
Should we ideally always be in a position to help others? I am very confused on this issue!
I welcome any comments, insights, your own experiences, as this situation seems to crop up now and again. I also read Scarlet's thread, where she mentioned a teacher talking her to death...

Seems he just wasn't a right company for you. Perhaps he indeed had his own problems, or maybe he was trying to use you to fill his "need" for other people (organic portals are supposed to be social only to recharge their energies as far as I remember). Did you ever have a problem like that before? Certain people have issues confronting others, being too afraid on how they will be perceived (which is internal consideration) while thinking they are externally considerate by not hurting other people's feelings. Line is very fine here, so don't jump into conclusions to fast.

If you feel physically, emotionally or mentally drained more than once during encounter with that specific person, it might be of bigger benefit to you and possibly your family to politely say you would like to spend some time alone with your family and don't want to be disturbed - then carefully observe both yourself and that person. If he himself is at least slightly considerate, he won't be invasive. Otherwise, if he will make a fuss over it, it could mean he has difficulty in coping with that situation himself; either because he has his own problems/didn't learn his lesson yet, or because his ego is annoyed that you dared let it down.

Personally I can only say, the older the person you're dealing with, the harder it is to try and find out what they really are; there are more layers of onion you have to peel before you even get close to the core of their intentions. Be careful, but don't run away. Helping is ok only when person asks, and asking implies they accept 'no' as an answer. Don't let yourself 'being eaten' - agreeing to be eaten by 4D STS is not "helping" them.

 

[Slow Motion Mary]

Ladies! Just say NO! Most of us have been sexually harrassed at one time or another, and the first time is sorta a surprise and your reaction may not be enough to deter the predator! But after that first time, you should be prepared! At my husband's and my wedding (huge outdoor party), there was a man who was drunk and being verbally abusive to my mother. Here's the difference between Mom and me: She tolerated it with a smile, not wanting to disrupt the party. If I were a larger person, I would have thrown him in his car and let his wife take him home. As it was, I tattled on him to my husband (I told my husband in no uncertain terms the guy had to go, and why), and my husband and a couple of guys did it for me. Did I hide behind my husband on this occasion? Sure! Other times I've had to go it alone, and you know how some of these predators are, they don't give up easily! Just look at them dead in the eye and tell them you are absolutely, positively not interested (get your creepy hands off me) and that they should in no way take it as a "challenge" or they will end up with some part of their body being missing or broken. And don't back down! They will go on to easier prey if you stand your ground.

 

[Al Today]

Okay, I'm a guy and only know what I read. I cannot imagine your situation. What I have read and "heard" is that fear is a major obstacle in correcting a "bad" situation. So is acting aggressively while in a heightened emotional state. My lack of understanding hinders my ability to suggest anything. What I do think is that sometimes one cannot act immediately unless one is prepared. One has to plan and prepare to fight the petty tyrant. Get to the point where one can pick the battle so one does not receive a negative result. Have a plan of action, so to say...

 

[cassandra]

Oh dear! I discussed the creep friend with my husband, but it came out all wrong. A few hasty words were exchanged, but we've agreed we should discuss it later and come up with a solution both of us are happy with.
The stupid thing was my hubby said I had not told him the whole story. I'm positive I told him that just before Christmas when at a party, where as usual
Creepo was drunk, it happened again. He didn't touch me though, because I make sure I am never alone with him. I was being civil to him, and I went to dance when suddenly he whirled me on the dance floor and kept asking "would you?" But hubby says I didn't tell him!
Aparrantly I had also not gone into the full details about the couple of occasions when his hands were all over me. We were alone at the time, so I couldn't have embarrassed him in public (although that would have given some satisfaction. Ha ha). Weird.
In retrospect, I should have told hubby straight away, and told this guy in no uncertain terms what I thought of him. Hmm why didn't I? I will next time.
Also this guy has 2 kids and a girlfriend who practically supports the whole family, the scumbag. No one really takes him seriously as a person, and he seems
a bit of a harmless joke who can be very funny. His poor children! Think Homer Simpson and his beer pals. That's him.
The last time I saw him, he was his usual useless, crude, favour-asking self, and I was very rude to him. He is allowed in the house once a month, but hasn't come here in months. He had tried to hug me, but saw plainly the revulsion I felt, on my face. He also complained of an aching leg, and I said he might well have gout.
Anyhow, we will talk later, my hubby and I.
I think the older man and Photo Man were both lonely, we were friendly and polite and they took advantage of this fact. When I ask someone if they would like to join me, I always leave them room to politely decline and opt out. They did not.
Often, but not always, there is a good reason why people are lonely, and that is because they are inconsiderate of others.
Next time we will politely also decline.
I think it's time to reread "The Anger Workbook" by Lorraine Bilodeau and "Standing Up for Yourself, The Art of Self-assertion" by Johanna Skouras.
Thanks a million!

 

[Gertrudes]

Think Homer Simpson and his beer pals. That's him.

Homer Simpson is probably more considerate ;), I don't remember seeing him having his hands on his "pals' " wives

I think the older man and Photo Man were both lonely, we were friendly and polite and they took advantage of this fact. When I ask someone if they would like to join me, I always leave them room to politely decline and opt out. They did not.

The problem is that we often project ourselves into another person's head and assume that they will behave like us. The key is really not to expect someone to (re)act as we would because they won't. This way we are less likely to be caught out of guard with unforeseen invasive or abusive behavior which we might not recognize before damage is done, or that might simply leave us dumbstruck frozen.

This is something I'm working on as well, and I find myself now responding in a way that sometimes might be too blunt. Overcompensating I suppose, oh well, it is a work in progress...

Anyhow, we will talk later, my hubby and I.

Let us know how it goes Cassandra.

 

[cassandra]

I will Gertrudes, thanks.
Personally I hope my hubby will have a little chat with his pal. That way the little man, as we call him, can take a bit of responsibility for his actions.