Goldilocks 2020


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Gotta luv Trump's iconic hair!

An Illustrated History of Donald Trump’s Hair. Warning! Don’t Read Before Lunch!

They say you can tell a lot about a man by the way he combs his hair. Actually, they don’t say that. No one does, not even GQ grooming columnists desperate for a lead. As a statement, it’s probably not even true. Still, it sounds good, seems authoritative, satisfies the human craving for simplistic maxims, and is thus a perfect way to introduce a listicle about Donald Trump and the inanimate object that straddles his scalp like a dead, furry lobster.

By NY Daily News Archive via Getty Images.
In this photo from 1976, Trump shows off plans for the future Grand Hyatt on East 42nd Street to a city official. Considering the era and the man, this is a remarkably tasteful, organic-looking hairstyle. Nevertheless, the hard-charging young developer appears to be studying the older man’s pate-management techniques with an eye, as always, to the future.

By PL Gould/IMAGES/Getty Images.
Mr. and first-Mrs. Trump at the 1988 U.S. Open. Note that Ivana has essentially the same hairstyle as Donald, the rightward sweep of her hair echoing her husband’s, though Ivana’s tresses are clearly attached to her forehead in a way that lends all the more mystery and intrigue to his.

By L. Cohen/WireImage.
Trump at a circa 1990 event with Clive Davis, Rod Stewart, and Rachel Hunter. That is not a lobotomy scar on the side of the billionaire’s head but rather a severe and deep part that suggests a “problem area” on the top and back of his scalp is being compensated for. Note that this party picture is composed as meticulously as an allegoric Renaissance painting, with Trump occupying the symbolic middle ground, in terms of possessing active follicles, between Davis and Stewart. To the right, Hunter represents hair in its unfallen, natural-ish state.

By Ron Galella/WireImage.
Trump and then-girlfriend Marla Maples sanctifying their love, like all devoted couples do, at a press event in 1991. Note that Trump’s “hairline” is now nearly contiguous with his eyebrows. Is this evidence of the scalp reduction he allegedly underwent in 1989, according to divorce papers filed by Ivana and recounted in the 1993 biography Lost Tycoon: The Many Lives of Donald J. Trump?

By The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images.
Trump’s 1993 wedding to Maples, the second Mrs. Trump. Strangely, the hair on the left side of the groom’s head is a full half foot taller than on the right. This imbalance may be the result of the three or four inter-dimensional, gravity-warping vortexes clearly visible in the back of his head.

By The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images.
Trump bending over to share a tender moment with his son Eric in 1991. This inadvertent overhead view reveals that, claims to Swedish ancestry notwithstanding, Trump is in fact part unicorn.

By Keith Torrie/NY Daily News Archive via Getty Images.
Trump with the John F. Kennedy Jr. at a 1999 New York Knicks game. Observe how the businessman’s hair breaks over his collar like a viscous, bird-killing oil slick. Why is J.F.K. Jr. the one wearing a hat?

By Budd Williams/NY Daily News Archive/Getty Images.
Trump at an outdoor event in around 2000, after ordering his stylist to color his hair and eyebrows a then-chic shade known as “Cigar-Stained-Teeth Blonde.” Tellingly, the wind affects but a single quadrant of Trump’s hair, as if the rest were bolted down like a storm cellar door.

By Gary Friedman/Los Angeles Times via Getty Images.
In this 2002 photograph, Trump has changed his hair color to “Burnt-Cheetos Auburn.” As well, the conventional hairsprays and salon products of years past appear to have given way to rubber cement and snot. [too mean?]

By KMazur/WireImage.
Unlike her husband, the third Mrs. Trump, Melania Knauss, is comfortable enough in her femininity to show off her normal but comparatively high hairline in this 2002 photo.

By Jim Spellman/WireImage.
Trump, shown here, in 2003, with Apprentice producer Mark Burnett, experiments with white roots and light filaments wrapped around the back of his head. Historians call this developer’s “middle-aged club kid” phase.

By Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic.
Trump at the 2004 Emmys. At this point, we’re just f*****g with your stomach. Had lunch yet? [or just ran out of clever things to say]

By J. Kempin/FilmMagic.
Trump with son Donald Trump Jr. at a 2006 press event where they appear to be performers in a horrifying tableau vivant of The Picture of Dorian Gray. Skillful lighting reveals the father’s signature side-and-back comb-over (and over)—The Trump Crosshatch™—while the son’s mane has been styled to look genuinely, biologically luxuriant.

By Matthew Eisman/WireImage.
Trump, at a 2013 red-carpet event for All-Star Celebrity Apprentice, in disguise as former U.S. representative Dick Gephardt, possibly to avoid good-writing scolds who consider “All-Star Celebrity” redundant, and fact checkers who might deem the claim debatable.

Victor J. Blue/Bloomberg/Getty Images.
Trump at Trump Tower this past June, announcing his candidacy for president. Cannily, he appears to be courting the women’s vote by having combed the hair on the left side of his head into the shape of a vagina. [beauty's in the eye of the beholder?]

An Illustrated History of Donald Trump’s Hair. Warning! Don’t Read Before Lunch!
Evidence that Trump's hair has always been consistently . . . unusual? At this point, I think he draws his power from his flowing golden locks - along w/ capricious slings and arrows!
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