Grief- lettre to Claude, my friend, my husband

[Learner]

Thank you for sharing this letter, Loreta. What a wonderful tribute to a husband who was your companion in life for such a long time for mutual love and growth. Like others said, it is very courageous of you letting him move on to this new stage while he will keep watching over you and your dogs. Your connection will stay.

Take your time to process it all, and keep sharing when you feel you need to do so.

 

[loreta]

I have only one friend here, a man named Juan whom we met almost at the very beginning of our arrival in the Canary Islands. He's a communist, and he offered me a room while I decided about my future. He said he could let me stay with him, and since he loves dogs and cats, there wouldn't be any problem with that. I could leave my books and especially Claude's things, which I've decided not to throw away. I can't bring myself to do that. I think it's important to respect these objects that speak of the one who's gone, even to honor them. It seems to me that the Japanese have this philosophy.

He even told me I wouldn't have to pay anything.

Apart from this solution, I'm in the dark. I'm living on an island without friends or family. I have a very dear friend in Madrid who, by the way, is coming to visit me for two days at the beginning of April. Staying near her would give me contact with a wonderful family. She is the daughter of a man with whom we formed a close friendship when we lived in that village of 20 inhabitants. He was an expert in flowers and adored not only nature, possessing a deep knowledge of plants, but also dogs. His name was Gildo, and he was very fond of Claude. When Gildo died, his daughter contacted me.

The other alternative would be to return to Canada. My sister and Claude's sister live there. What should I do? I don't know, and it might be too soon to make a decision, but rather to let things settle down and see the alternatives more clearly. This is the first time I've had to decide what to do on my own. For 40 years, Claude made the decisions; he was, in a way, the captain of the ship. Now that he's gone, I have to become captain myself, and I don't even have the captain's uniform!

My body is very tired and I've started eating and drinking again, but it's slow. Also, I have a bad case of lumbago. I've started the process of claiming Claude's pension; he worked at a university. I have to deal with other bureaucratic procedures, which I hate. But I have to do it.

My dogs are my lifeline and an incredible source of comfort right now. I've also started looking into things in case I have to leave the island by plane: the cost of vaccinations, passports for them, which airline is best for traveling with animals, and so on.

Here on the island, it's very difficult to find accommodation. But anything is possible. It's also difficult to find accommodation in Madrid and Quebec. I feel like I'm in limbo. My only friend is in Madrid. We'll see when she comes to visit. I'd like to live near her, not because I'm afraid of being alone—I like being alone—but to create a new connection with a family (she has two children) and start over in a place where the memory of Claude will hurt less.

For now, this is what my life is like. I can only return to yoga once my lumbago has healed. I've returned to reading.

 

[Arwenn]

Dear Loretta, I think ultimately only you can make that decision. It’s great that you have found somewhere to stay on the island for the time being. And I agree that holding onto memoirs of a person such as books and other personal effects are a special and beautiful way to honour Claude.

You have options which is great; my suggestion would be to take it easy for now, allow yourself to process things before you make any big decisions. Whichever option you decide to go with, there’s no right or wrong, just different opportunities.

Give it time, I feel that you will make the choice that will suit you best in due course. Sending you big hugs

 

[loreta]

Thank you @Arwenn. I've at least made the decision to keep his things. It's actually a gift Claude is giving me, a part of his life, his passion, his dreams. He was a man who had difficulty expressing his emotions, and now I know that his belongings will tell me about him; he will tell me about himself. It's all very strange. Having made this decision, a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

 

[loreta]

This morning I was so sad and I went out onto the balcony to cry. Suddenly, when I looked up, I saw an immense, beautiful rainbow in the sky. A photograph can't do it justice. I immediately thought it was Claude's spirit signaling to me, to comfort me, to tell me that everything would be alright, and above all, to thank me for keeping his things! Claude had a great love for his belongings, and since we had to move (I was looking for a place to live) before he became ill, he packed everything neatly into bags. Yes, he must be happy that everything is staying with me, or at least with Juan. He loved Juan too. They got along well. It was a pleasure to see them together; Claude didn't speak Spanish, Juan didn't speak French, but like in the film Zorba the Greek, they communicated well.

 

[Tuulikki]

Loretta, I think you have to take things slowly and be kind to yourself. You need plenty of time to grieve for your wonderful husband. I rcently lost my 72 year old middle brother to sudden and undiagnosed heart disease. Deaths are a shock, even to we who understand about the spirit world. My eldest brother and I had to clear his flat and it was so hard to decide what to throw away and what to keep. We were effectively disposing of his life and that hurt. I don't blame you for keeping Claude's possessions. Your heart will tell you when it is time to leave them behind.

I hope you are eventually able to decide where to live. It is a huge and impactful decision. You seem to have a very kind friend who has offered you accommodation in the meantime. You appear to have two choices. It is nice to have choices but sometimes it is also good to only have one and the decision is then already made. It is not a decision you should make until you feel really able to. Grief can cause us to react without thinking things through sometimes.

I have cats and they are my great love. It is nice to have something else living in my home apart from myself. I am glad your dogs are able to give you endless comfort in these difficult times for you. Continue to eat nourishing food and get plenty of rest. Take things slowly, and remember this wonderful forum is full of friends....

 

[loreta]

Take things slowly, and remember this wonderful forum is full of friends....

Yes, I know, I know and I am so grateful for that.

 

[loreta]

I feel like I'm on the edge. It's actually the first time I've experienced this situation. I have always been a woman with initiative, energy, strength. The proof is that one day in Canada, I was offered to create a Community Center in an underprivileged area, and I did it. All the moves we did here, I organized them, Claude's papers, everything. And yet now, without him, I feel completely helpless, powerless, with nothing. Empty. I have a rather complicated situation ahead of me: I have to leave the accommodation, our landlord had told us before Claude got sick, and we had started putting our things in bags, and I had started looking for a new place, but it's impossible to find anything. I have no one here, only my dogs who keep me alive. I now realize that Claude, even if we were always like cat and dog, was a good anchor. Now I feel like I'm in a fragile dinghy without an anchor. At the mercy of the storm.

I can't stop crying, that's all I can say. With time, calm will return, who knows. The storms do not last forever. But darkness surrounds me, for now.

I always did everything with Claude, for 40 years, everything. Claude was my prison but also my passion, my obsession. Now it's emptiness. It's also as if, not a wall, but a mountain had fallen on me.

Thank you for giving me the space to express all of this.

 

[Liliea]

@loreta, I am so sorry for your loss; your letters and all the pain you are going through really touch me.
I want to tell you that despite the sadness, you must realize that you are in a difficult situation, but it may not be as bleak if you focus your attention, find a little inner enthusiasm, and adopt an attitude of tackling each day without hesitation. Don’t let yourself be swept away without resistance by the unfavorable circumstances, nor allow your resolve to be shaken. Perhaps this could be seen as an escape from sadness, but it would be beneficial to see things in a better light and achieve some lasting effect. Don’t hesitate and keep moving forward, dear Loreta. This is a test, and there is still light in the midst of the darkness; don’t give up. You are in my prayers and thoughts. All the best to you.

Spoiler: Español

@loreta, siento mucho por tu perdida, me conmueven tus cartas y todo el dolor por el que estas pasando.
Decirte que a pesar de la tristeza debes ser consiente de que estas en una situación desfavorable de supervivencia, que puede no ser tan negra si concentras tu atención, un poco de entusiasmo interior y una actitud de resolver el dia a dia sin vacilar, no hay que dejarse llevar sin resistencia por lo desfavorable de las circunstancias, ni permitir que tu firmeza sea sacudida, quizá podría verse como un escape a la tristeza pero seria beneficioso, ver las cosas mejor y lograr algun efecto duradero. No vaciles y sigue adelante querida Loreta, esta es una prueba y aun hay luz en medio de la oscuridad, no hay que bajar los brazos. Estas en mis oraciones y pensamientos,Todo lo mejor para ti .

 

[loreta]

@loreta, I am so sorry for your loss; your letters and all the pain you are going through really touch me.
I want to tell you that despite the sadness, you must realize that you are in a difficult situation, but it may not be as bleak if you focus your attention, find a little inner enthusiasm, and adopt an attitude of tackling each day without hesitation. Don’t let yourself be swept away without resistance by the unfavorable circumstances, nor allow your resolve to be shaken. Perhaps this could be seen as an escape from sadness, but it would be beneficial to see things in a better light and achieve some lasting effect. Don’t hesitate and keep moving forward, dear Loreta. This is a test, and there is still light in the midst of the darkness; don’t give up. You are in my prayers and thoughts. All the best to you.

Spoiler: Español

@loreta, siento mucho por tu perdida, me conmueven tus cartas y todo el dolor por el que estas pasando.
Decirte que a pesar de la tristeza debes ser consiente de que estas en una situación desfavorable de supervivencia, que puede no ser tan negra si concentras tu atención, un poco de entusiasmo interior y una actitud de resolver el dia a dia sin vacilar, no hay que dejarse llevar sin resistencia por lo desfavorable de las circunstancias, ni permitir que tu firmeza sea sacudida, quizá podría verse como un escape a la tristeza pero seria beneficioso, ver las cosas mejor y lograr algun efecto duradero. No vaciles y sigue adelante querida Loreta, esta es una prueba y aun hay luz en medio de la oscuridad, no hay que bajar los brazos. Estas en mis oraciones y pensamientos,Todo lo mejor para ti .

Thank you. Yes, this is a test, and a very hard one.