Grief- lettre to Claude, my friend, my husband

[SevenFeathers]

If only I could cry with someone who understands what I'm experiencing: the remorse, the guilt, the regret.

That brought tears to my eyes as I could only imagine how I would feel in your place. We are almost the same age and I have been with my husband for 45 years, and the thought of losing him is horrible. Although it's not the same as having someone there with you, you can cry with me.

 

[Yas]

I can totally understand that you feel like that dear Lydia. The pain of losing your dear friend and husband feels unbearable because in a way it is like losing a part of your soul. He had been with you for so long that he was truly a part of you. If you can, try to remember that he still is a part of your soul and he will always be. Love never ends, just as life never ends, and although you miss his physical presence in this world, he's presence is still with you, just differently.

Of course you know this and that doesn't take away this pain. This is grief and it will come in waves, sometimes you may feel lighter only to feel like you described again at the next moment. Allow the grief, cry if you need, and don't feel ashamed of it. Then, at those times when you're feeling a bit better, do what you need to do, but take it one step at a time.

Do you need to make all those decisions now? Can you wait a bit to take care of yourself and then decide when and where to move? If you can, wait for now, take it easy on yourself and take care of yourself.

I think it's great to go to a grief group, it is good to have friends and people surrounding you and helping you right now, don't isolate yourself.

Thank you for sharing with us

 

[forest_light]

A tender hug to you Loreta.

This is a terribly painful time, dark and disorienting, so many powerful emotions are washing through you. Many here really feel for you.
I hope you can feel the love and light flowing to you in your darkest moments.

Homeopathics: Ignatia could help. I think Rescue Remedy is more for the initial shock. If Ignatia is not giving you enough support, Natrum Muriaticum for long term sadness and feelings of isolation. This article has some great info specifically about homeopathics to support grief / emotions underneath: The Silent Wound - Homeopathy's Role in Healing Unresolved Grief.

I don't know if you like essential oils but there are ones you could try. Maybe this link can help. Oils are a very personal thing, but so much healing can come to us from the earth if we are willing to experiment. You can get special blends for grief, loss, forgiveness etc.

Listening to Laura saying the 'Prayer of the Soul' is very powerful. IMHO, anything with Laura's voice helps. She embodies such powerful loving mother energy, which I think we all need when we are grieving deeply and feeling so bereft.

Thank heavens for your little furry ones. Animals have such incredible abilities to help regulate our nervous system. It's really good that you share your experience here. Maybe it would help to create some love notes around the house to remind you that you have many souls here in 3D - and also beyond - who are with you, sending you light and love and encouraging you to just allow yourself to feel deeply in 'cycles' and then come back up for air. This is a time of deep transformation for you and many layers to work through.

I know it is so hard to leave things behind, a lifetime of memories, everything you have in your home mirrors your shared life path. Perhaps you can go through some things, box up what really resonates with you and store with a friend until you have the boxes sent on to yourself, once you decide where you want to be? Or maybe you want to put some really really precious stuff aside to take and the other stuff can be sent later if you still feel you would like to have it. You don't have to make any hard fast decisions. I think it is important to take practical steps but don't be too overzealous with 'leaving it all behind' because you may come to regret that later.

If you can actively support your body with homeopathics, oils (if you are open to that), nourishing food, supplements, long walks with the dogs and magnesium/sleep supplements this can help a great deal. Sleep is a wonderful healer and refuge from the constant spiralling and negative loops that come from an overwhelmed exhausted mind/body/spirit. You are loved and held in the heart of the Divine Cosmic Mind, as well as by this forum, some very cute furry beasts - and benevolent souls beyond this realm. Remember to breathe, dear sister. The only thing constant is change. Humbly ask the Universe for guidance and to light the way forward

 

[Learner]

Can only imagine how hardly bearable everything might be feeling for you right now, dear loreta. Losing someone so close takes time to process - including everything connected to that. Like others said: Take it one step at a time, day after day. I believe that things will become better gradually, eventually. There'll be a new morning after the night.

I'm taking Rescue Remedy, but it's not helping at all. The only light is my dogs and cats. Luckily, my sister and a close friend are helping me fill out the forms to receive widow's/widower's pensions.

I have read a bit about Bachflowers and tried them myself over the last five years but with no expert guidance, thus the following information is coming from my lay perspective (and from skimming some of my books).

Aside from Rescue Remedy, these are the ones coming to mind regarding your situation - with a FWIW:

• Gorse: Despair and a feeling of (utter) hopelessness (as if the sun will never shine again) => Hope and trust (or faith) that things can improve may return.
• Star of Bethlehem (aside from Rescue Remedy): When there's presence of shock and trauma (including grief through loss) as well as a feeling of inner emptiness => It may help finding consolation and emotional strength.
• Sweet Chestnut: Extreme inner pain, despair, and a sense of utter hopelessness when feeling one has reached their absolute limit or being on the end of their rope => It may help to gain a sense of deliverance, salvation, strength and hope again - even if it doesn't look like things will ever get brighter once more.
• Pine: Feeling of remorse and guilt (over past things) => It may help getting out of that loop, reflecting honestly and forgiving oneself.
• Honeysucke: If oneself or an aspect of oneself experiences difficulties in letting go of the past or things/aspects connected to the past => It may ease letting go of things belonging to the past and moving forward.
• Walnut: When there's a situation or time/phase of transformation - when one chapter in one's life ended and a new one is about to begin (or needs to be found) => It may support finding and navigating one's way through this phase of transformation, keeping steadfast while there's insecurity and a feeling of inconsistency.
• Olive: When there's an experience or feeling of (utmost) mental and physiological weariness and a lack of joy in life (after a life-changing experience) => It may help regaining a sense of vitality and strength.

And there's the side of homeopathy forest_light has suggested though I don't know much about that.

Also, good to know that you keep having the support of family, friends and your pets. And we'll remain here as well and by your side.

 

[loreta]

Thank you for your kind words, which brought tears to my eyes. They are good advice, advice that comes from your heart. Regarding the things I could keep in boxes, I asked a friend in Spain, but she refused. She could have, because she has space at home, but she declined. It's a shame; I accept her decision, but it hurts. I don't want to leave Claude's things here; this island is so far from everything. Most people I know advise me to throw everything away, everything that belonged to Claude, but for me, that's impossible. These things—his writings, the images he had set aside for projects, his books (not many, but about cinema, etc.)—are part of the memory that is Claude. Claude and his belongings are remembered, and if he's remembered, it's because he was present, continues to be present, and will be as long as I have a man named Claude in my memory. But it's all so painful that, as I said, I can't breathe, and I wonder if I'll be able to bear this situation, or when I think that I'll live like this, in pain, until I die. I don't know.

I'm discovering a man I didn't know, and that hurts too. I need him so much. I feel abandoned, insecure, lost. Well, I know that's what growing up is, evolving to become better, but damn, it's so hard.

Thank you dear friends.

 

[Mililea]

Dear Loreta, I just caught up on your thread. First of all I want to send you a big, big hug!!! I remember those feelings very vividly.

Why am I afraid? Where does this fear comes from?

I think because everything has changed. Even you. NOTHING is like it used to be. And that is scary. It is a good thing that you are sharing your fears and your feelings here. It helped me a lot when I was in your situation. I couldn´t sleep very well in the first few weeks after my husband died and when I felt alone or I thought about something, I would go on the forum and write something.

Yes, it's very painful, a bit like torture under the Inquisition. There's the loneliness on one side, the fear, the fear of living alone, and the uncertainty. It's a lot.

So that's my situation: on top of leaving everything behind, I'm leaving this apartment where I lived for 13 years with Claude. It's a big change, a big challenge. I'm scared, and Claude tells me, "Everything will be alright, don't worry."

Everything will be alright! But it needs time. I feel like you are rushing yourself. You don´t have to feel good at the moment. You are grieving and that is a really individual process. Give yourself time to heal. And you don´t have to decide everything at once. Maybe you could stay with one of your friends. And once all the bureaucratic work is done and things calm down a bit, your thoughts will become clearer again. And maybe a whole new path will open up—one you hadn’t even considered before. One breath after another Breathe, just breathe!

You are still in my thoughts and prayers, Loreta (In some of the meditaions Laura used to say "All will be well..." in her soothing voice. Sometimes I have her saying in my mind and it calms me down)

 

[Deliverance]

Chère Loreta,
Stay patient with the grieving process. An accompaniment can help, otherwise you are your own company, attentive, warm, respectful. The stages of grief follow one another and cross each other, and this is done in its own time: there is no need to want to skip the stages. Perhaps you could write an account of your experiences in a notebook of memory, pain too and expectation, in addition to your shares here.
Sorting out all the concrete things are the other priority, filling out the files to ensure your survival, sorting out the belongings and finding a new place for you, which must be a place where you are safe so that you can take the time to reorganize. Each step takes its own time though.
You remain in my prayers, for DCM to accompany and guide you. Vous n'êtes pas seule

 

[Chu]

For what it's worth, @loreta , I second other people's advice to be patient if you can. You mentioned fears, which are totally understandable. But perhaps this is life telling you that you need to face them rather than rush into something? And I'm not sure I understand: on the one hand, you don't want to live there anymore, because everything reminds you of Claude, but then, you don't want to leave anything of his behind. Maybe I misunderstood, but it just sounds to me that at this moment in time, things are not really clear, and you may be "running away", rather than letting yourself mourn, and then decide what is best for you.

 

[Aliana]

My heart goes out to you, dear loreta! It sounds overwhelming to say the least. It may be worthwhile reaching out to a grief counsellor? Having someone to talk to is so vital for these most difficult of times. As Nienna said, we humans are not meant to do this life alone, and it is my thinking that we are not meant to do grief alone.

Much agreed!!

That's roughly what I'm going through. Next month, I'm going to a grief support group at a Catholic church. If only I could cry with someone who understands what I'm experiencing: the remorse, the guilt, the regret.

My heart goes out to you as well - though we can only imagine the pain you are feeling, know that we are here with you in spirit. I think that going to a grief support group is a very good idea!! While those closest to you will do all they can to help you through this, they are not trained as professionals to guide people through the stages of grief. And on top of grief, you have all these decisions you are facing at a time when you feel least able to deal with them - which is why someone who has guided people through this before could be a much needed resource now. I will keep you in my prayers - and Big Big hugs!!

 

[Fluffy]

Gorse: Despair and a feeling of (utter) hopelessness (as if the sun will never shine again) => Hope and trust (or faith) that things can improve may return.

I’m so sorry for you @loreta, I’m trying to imagine your suffering, and indeed it feels like the sun will never shine again. It came to my mind to get as much sun as you can tolerate daily. Take off your clothes and lay in the warm embrace of our celestial carer and giver of life, let it caress and soothe your aching soul.

You are in my thoughts

 

[iamthatis]

I'm sorry to hear about your pain and your suffering, loreta. I can't imagine what it would be like to experience the death of your friend, your husband, your life-partner. My heart goes out to you, truly.

I will recommend a book that helped me with my grief. It is called The Smell of Rain on Dust: Grief and Praise by Martin Prechtel. The man himself had an out-of-this-world life, undergoing a traditional shamanic training in Guatemala before the CIA sent in the death squads. What he presents in his book are stories and myth and the emotional lessons from his many colourful life experiences, with the focus being entirely on a deep-running understanding of grief.

The book most likely will not get rid of the grief. For Prechtel, and others like him, grief is one of the Faces of God, or a sort of angel, a messenger, and a sort of holy guest - though definitely one of the most difficult guests to host in your house. It's difficult to orient properly with everything seems to have ended. Having gone through my own ending, or a sort of death-in-life, I think what's required of us in times of desperation and insanity, particularly intensities brought about by shock trauma, is to look for the lessons at hand. One of the main ones for me, in the times of my recent and crippling grief, was to ask myself how to become a worthy host of this Face of God who had descended on my house and destroyed what I had recently considered to be my life. The difficulty for me was to allow and feel all the feelings, but also find ways to process the feelings effectively, and to keep moving one agonizing step at a time towards that 'best possible future'. Not an easy balancing act, to be sure.

Another book that helped me out - On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler. Like the other book, this one most likely will not get rid of the grief, either. What it did for me was provide a kind of map to the startling new territory I was suddenly lost in. I began to get a sense of where I was, some familiar landmarks, familiar thoughts, reactions, and responses. And the overall sense I got was 'Things are not good right now, and nothing will ever be the same, but you are going to be okay.'

The feeling of being hopelessly lost eased a bit when I read the wise words of those who've walked this difficult path before. It was a powerful testament to the phrase 'Knowledge Protects'. To that end, I will keep you in my prayers, for protection, for healing, for understanding, for grace - and that although thing are not good right now, and nothing will ever be the same, that you are going to be okay.

Hugs of love and light to you!

 

[Alejo]

Hi Lydia,

I remember talking to a neighbor a few months ago, she had lost her young son and she felt much like you do, and spoke in similar terms, the grief and pain of loss was so overwhelming that she thought it was impossible to live in a world where he wasn't around any longer. It was one of those interactions that was very peculiar, I never learned her name nor did she learn mine, but our pups liked each other, so we chatted whenever we ran into one another.

I remember offering her a few thoughts on it that I'd like to share with you, hopefully it helps you find a new perspective not to dishonor his memory in your heart but to complete the picture and find your way forward in harmony and peace. Some of this will sound very obvious but sometimes we have to sit in the obvious so we see the truth.

The pain you feel right now is a function of the love being alive, not dead. It's a reminder of its existence not of its absence. But pain unlike love, dissipates with time as one heals, and one must also allow healing to occur, letting go of the pain isn't forgetting or dishonoring a loved one, so do not be afraid to let go of the pain, because what remains is the love, intact and untouched and now evidenced as existing beyond this realm and surviving even death.

I know it seems like right now living in grief might be the only thing still connecting you with him, but as you let go of the grief, at your pace and little by little, you will realize that this isn't the case. So, as you navigate through it, I'd invite you to remember the love and not the loss, to focus on it, it exists beyond the pain and the walls of any country.

The pain will eventually go, let it go organically, the love will always remain.

One last quote that has always fascinated me is the following, which also speaks of this love but also of the perspective on the relationship, from Viktor Frankl

Let me cite a clear-cut example: Once, an elderly general practitioner consulted me because of his severe depression. He could not overcome the loss of his wife who had died two years before and whom he had loved above all else. Now, how could I help him? What should I tell him? Well, I refrained from telling him anything but instead confronted him with the question, “What would have happened, Doctor, if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive you?” “Oh,” he said, “for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!” Whereupon I replied, “You see, Doctor, such a suffering has been spared her, and it was you who have spared her this suffering—to be sure, at the price that now you have to survive and mourn her. ” He said no word but shook my hand and calmly left my office. In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.

I know how it all feels right now, but I think it helps to consider that question ourselves, if given the choice, we'd probably choose this very outcome, and it's for that same reason, the love we feel for those we are afraid to loose.