Guidance plea...

[sarahelizabeth]

Hey guys,

I really need some guidance, I'm sorry to go on a personal tangent here. It's just eating me up inside and it's so hard to do anything else because it's all I can focus my energy on. I know I need to do more to help my self - meditate/EE and Reiki, learning/research etc. I'm just struggling to get my head into the really important stuff like learning when all I am worrying about is this situation.

My partner has lied to me quite recently. I can't really go into the details of the lie but it was pointless which made me feel that maybe there was something more to it than what he was telling me. I knew when he was lying - I often do.

More recently, I found he has been flirting with a girl on his online game. Quite heavily and sexually. He claims that it's not an issue because they live on the other side of the world. It obviously hurts me, but further to that, I'm worried about the sexual energy he could be picking up because of this? I had a feeling that he was lying about something else (not really lying, but hiding something that would hurt me). If you're wondering why I'm still with him - it is because of how he has helped me grow over the time we've been a part of each others lives. He's helped with my anxiety, he's been there for me through everything and he's taught me so many incredible things on so many occasions. He introduced me to Keto and many of the ideas on this forum.

I would have thought that in any exchange of energy - be it face to face, over the phone or via the internet that we would pick up other peoples energy? Would this be a valid idea?

Any insight or guidance would be so greatly appreciated. Sorry if this is not something that I should be posting on here, I just didn't know where else to turn.

 

[Xico]

Hey guys,

I really need some guidance, I'm sorry to go on a personal tangent here. It's just eating me up inside and it's so hard to do anything else because it's all I can focus my energy on. I know I need to do more to help my self - meditate/EE and Reiki, learning/research etc. I'm just struggling to get my head into the really important stuff like learning when all I am worrying about is this situation.

My partner has lied to me quite recently. I can't really go into the details of the lie but it was pointless which made me feel that maybe there was something more to it than what he was telling me. I knew when he was lying - I often do.

More recently, I found he has been flirting with a girl on his online game. Quite heavily and sexually. He claims that it's not an issue because they live on the other side of the world. It obviously hurts me, but further to that, I'm worried about the sexual energy he could be picking up because of this? I had a feeling that he was lying about something else (not really lying, but hiding something that would hurt me). If you're wondering why I'm still with him - it is because of how he has helped me grow over the time we've been a part of each others lives. He's helped with my anxiety, he's been there for me through everything and he's taught me so many incredible things on so many occasions. He introduced me to Keto and many of the ideas on this forum.

I would have thought that in any exchange of energy - be it face to face, over the phone or via the internet that we would pick up other peoples energy? Would this be a valid idea?

Any insight or guidance would be so greatly appreciated. Sorry if this is not something that I should be posting on here, I just didn't know where else to turn.

Hello Sarahelizabeth:
I'm sorry for what you are going through and I know how sad you feel, because I went through the same ordeal, and I know for a fact that it is very hard to accept it, but as you signature says..which is true: "Lose what needs to be lost to find what needs to be found".
I know you can do it, people sometimes don't give enough credit for them selves,just be strong and it is time to free your self for this relashionship that is only draining you out. my two cents

 

[Jenn]

Hey guys,

I really need some guidance, I'm sorry to go on a personal tangent here. It's just eating me up inside and it's so hard to do anything else because it's all I can focus my energy on. I know I need to do more to help my self - meditate/EE and Reiki, learning/research etc. I'm just struggling to get my head into the really important stuff like learning when all I am worrying about is this situation.

My partner has lied to me quite recently. I can't really go into the details of the lie but it was pointless which made me feel that maybe there was something more to it than what he was telling me. I knew when he was lying - I often do.

More recently, I found he has been flirting with a girl on his online game. Quite heavily and sexually. He claims that it's not an issue because they live on the other side of the world. It obviously hurts me, but further to that, I'm worried about the sexual energy he could be picking up because of this? I had a feeling that he was lying about something else (not really lying, but hiding something that would hurt me).

Hi sarahelizabeth I can empathize with your situation too
Has your partner given any reason as to why he lied? If it wasn't an issue for him I would question why he chose to lie about it... I hope this isn't too intrusive but apart from this situation, are you having other issues that could be pushing you apart from eachother?

I personally would not feel comfortable with my partner heavily flirting sexually with another person whether they're a million miles away or not.

If you're wondering why I'm still with him - it is because of how he has helped me grow over the time we've been a part of each others lives. He's helped with my anxiety, he's been there for me through everything and he's taught me so many incredible things on so many occasions. He introduced me to Keto and many of the ideas on this forum.

Are there any other reason you've stayed with him? To me these things seem like quite practical things, maybe I am misinterpreting though

I would have thought that in any exchange of energy - be it face to face, over the phone or via the internet that we would pick up other peoples energy? Would this be a valid idea?

I'm really not sure what that would mean for you if that was the case, sorry I can't be of more help here

 

[Kasia]

More recently, I found he has been flirting with a girl on his online game.

If I was in your shoes I would like to find out first of all what the real reasons are for him to spend time on playing online games, why he does it.

 

[redstar]

Hey guys,

I really need some guidance, I'm sorry to go on a personal tangent here. It's just eating me up inside and it's so hard to do anything else because it's all I can focus my energy on. I know I need to do more to help my self - meditate/EE and Reiki, learning/research etc. I'm just struggling to get my head into the really important stuff like learning when all I am worrying about is this situation.

My partner has lied to me quite recently. I can't really go into the details of the lie but it was pointless which made me feel that maybe there was something more to it than what he was telling me. I knew when he was lying - I often do.

More recently, I found he has been flirting with a girl on his online game. Quite heavily and sexually. He claims that it's not an issue because they live on the other side of the world. It obviously hurts me, but further to that, I'm worried about the sexual energy he could be picking up because of this? I had a feeling that he was lying about something else (not really lying, but hiding something that would hurt me). If you're wondering why I'm still with him - it is because of how he has helped me grow over the time we've been a part of each others lives. He's helped with my anxiety, he's been there for me through everything and he's taught me so many incredible things on so many occasions. He introduced me to Keto and many of the ideas on this forum.

I would have thought that in any exchange of energy - be it face to face, over the phone or via the internet that we would pick up other peoples energy? Would this be a valid idea?

Any insight or guidance would be so greatly appreciated. Sorry if this is not something that I should be posting on here, I just didn't know where else to turn.

That is your lesson. It gives you the opportunity to learn and be stronger.

But If I were you I would ask myself:

• What kind of compromise we have in this relationship? Have we talked about it?
• Has he lied to me really? Is that important to me? Why?
• Is he really flirting with that girl? Is it not definitely my imagination driven by irrational jealousy caused by my low self-esteem?
• If I truly believe that he is actually doing me something I never would do to him... Do I really want to be in this kind of situation? If not, am I ready to lose him as partner in order to preserve my moral coherence?

The answer is in you.

 

[Magpie]

Hey sarahelizabeth- sending you a hug. That feeling of disappointment and betrayal is never fun.
However-having been in relationships that involved that kind of online flirting, your partner's behavior is Not okay.
First of all: there's the issue of trust and respect between the both of you. His actions are not respectful and have created a void of trust. Someone once told me that a good relationship is like a three legged stool-you must have a leg of love, one of trust, and one of respect. Without those three strong legs, no matter what you use for the seat-it will not be supported and the relationship will fall.
Second of all: in that void of doubt and mistrust, a lot of other really negative things now have a space to take root and grow. Personally, I think you can pick up negative things via distance. It may be easier in person, but just like our minds and psyche can be affected by what we watch on television or listen to music wise- you don't have to be in person to collect junk and negative energy.
You need to protect yourself from his bad decisions and shelter your own emotional space from the hurt his bad decisions have caused.
I see where you've listed some reasons why you're still with him, but remember: that doesn't justify his current behavior.
It makes me very uncomfortable that it sounds like you've confronted him with this issue and he has sidestepped how you feel. Has he tried to downplay your feelings or marginalize your observations about how this isn't healthy? To me, it sounds like he has. Never a good sign.
People come into our lives for all different reasons, even good ones, but that doesn't mean they get to stay. Xico is right to quote your signature about losing things. This guy might have a savior complex-feeling like he needs to reach out and help women, thereby developing that dependent relationship-then when they stabilize-he may go looking for his next person that needs his "help". That's not truly being a good partner. That's just helping people to help your own needs.
Be strong. Be brave. Don't compromise your safety-physical or mental. Letting go and moving on can be difficult but if you can't have an honest respectful relationship, without lying... Is it really worth devoting your time and energy to him? Being colinear in your aim is important... Maybe you need to have a very frank talk about your aim as a couple right now? Fwiw.
Big hugs.

 

[casper]

If you forgive the lies and virtual fraud, you'll always be to question whether you still been holding.
The trust is gone, the mouth remains a bitter taste, I do not know , I can only say that the situation is very difficult to get things back to the beginning, especially because he believes he did nothing doing "wrong".

 

[BHelmet]

I am very impressed with the answers given her so far. A LOT of wisdom and experience expressed. So, what can I add?

1. Him picking up negative energy from across the globe is the LEAST of your worries. It sounds like the negative energy is already right there in your back yard AND it sounds like you kind of want to make excuses for him.

I am thinking of the STS STO dynamic. Avoiding confronting the dysfunction, lack of trust and respect etc points to how you are both using each other. You are both receiving (taking?) benefit from being together. The feeding hooks are set. Getting unhooked is not easy and it does not feel good; hence all the excuses we make for staying together. (all OSIT of course)

So, I guess I am suggesting some looking in the mirror. What are YOU getting out of the relationship? What are YOU taking? What does this relationship allow you to avoid confronting? What are you giving up? What are you allowing to be taken from you? By focusing on the faults and misdeeds of others, it is easy to avoid our own responsibility in the matter. What is the payoff? What is the cost? Where are you blind and what benefit are you getting from your own blindness?

Questions like that. Do some introspection.

Video games? Seriously? How committed to awakening can he be if he plays Blood-Splatter 7 online with dudes masquerading as hot babes? (OK just trying to insert some humor :D)

There is a ton of great support here on this forum - Quality of the responses is top shelf. Good work!

 

[unkl brws]

Hey guys,

I really need some guidance, I'm sorry to go on a personal tangent here. It's just eating me up inside and it's so hard to do anything else because it's all I can focus my energy on. I know I need to do more to help my self - meditate/EE and Reiki, learning/research etc. I'm just struggling to get my head into the really important stuff like learning when all I am worrying about is this situation.

My partner has lied to me quite recently. I can't really go into the details of the lie but it was pointless which made me feel that maybe there was something more to it than what he was telling me. I knew when he was lying - I often do.

More recently, I found he has been flirting with a girl on his online game. Quite heavily and sexually.liv He claims that it's not an issue because they e on the other side of the world. It obviously hurts me, but further to that, I'm worried about the sexual energy he could be picking up because of this? I had a feeling that he was lying about something else (not really lying, but hiding something that would hurt me). If you're wondering why I'm still with him - it is because of how he has helped me grow over the time we've been a part of each others lives. He's helped with my anxiety, he's been there for me through everything and he's taught me so many incredible things on so many occasions. He introduced me to Keto and many of the ideas on this forum.

I would have thought that in any exchange of energy - be it face to face, over the phone or via the internet that we would pick up other peoples energy? Would this be a valid idea?

Any insight or guidance would be so greatly appreciated. Sorry if this is not something that I should be posting on here, I just didn't know where else to turn.

I hope what I have to offer will help. The part that jumped out to me was what I highlighted above. He says that this is not an issue which has obviously hurt you; in my opinion, your being hurt doesn't seem to be an issue to him. He appears to have dismissed your concern...which is like dismissing you. Fwiw, I'm very sorry you're going through this.

 

[riclapaz]

Hey guys,

I really need some guidance, I'm sorry to go on a personal tangent here. It's just eating me up inside and it's so hard to do anything else because it's all I can focus my energy on. I know I need to do more to help my self - meditate/EE and Reiki, learning/research etc. I'm just struggling to get my head into the really important stuff like learning when all I am worrying about is this situation.

My partner has lied to me quite recently. I can't really go into the details of the lie but it was pointless which made me feel that maybe there was something more to it than what he was telling me. I knew when he was lying - I often do.

More recently, I found he has been flirting with a girl on his online game. Quite heavily and sexually. He claims that it's not an issue because they live on the other side of the world. It obviously hurts me, but further to that, I'm worried about the sexual energy he could be picking up because of this? I had a feeling that he was lying about something else (not really lying, but hiding something that would hurt me). If you're wondering why I'm still with him - it is because of how he has helped me grow over the time we've been a part of each others lives. He's helped with my anxiety, he's been there for me through everything and he's taught me so many incredible things on so many occasions. He introduced me to Keto and many of the ideas on this forum.

I would have thought that in any exchange of energy - be it face to face, over the phone or via the internet that we would pick up other peoples energy? Would this be a valid idea?

Any insight or guidance would be so greatly appreciated. Sorry if this is not something that I should be posting on here, I just didn't know where else to turn.

Hello sarahelizabeth, I would like to have this appointment you made, in the larger context of their situation, and to give better advice:

Here is my story... I hope it helps :)

My partner is a FOTCM member and had been for a while before we got together. He is incredibly intelligent, like a lot of you - far beyond my current comprehension.

I moved in with him (as a friend initially) and he planted lots and lots of seeds over the year we lived together (we've moved to separate houses now for multiple reasons, but this has helped our relationship flourish).

I was already what I considered to be very spiritual and "awake".. On a path of knowledge about the universe, into conspiracy theories, natural therapies, crystals, etc.

I was a smoker before moving in with him too, so the info that smoking is GOOD for you, well that instantly made me happy (although slightly sceptical)!!
Once I saw the video on SoTT "Let's all Light up", I was totally sold on the benefits of smoking. Win!

He continued planting, fertilising, gardening up a storm in my little mind. Urging me to learn & question myself (as an anxiety ridden young woman this has been helpful on multiple levels).

Seeds, seeds, seeds until he thought I was ready to hear words like "the lizzies" & "ufos".

Initially - I thought he was crazy. I mean, I always thought about UFO's, of course there is more out there than just us, but lizard beings that control us?! Pft! You're kidding!

He urged me more and more to learn. He knew I was already searching for truth, but as stated in the first post - how do you tell someone the truth who's been blinded by lies for so long?!

It wasn't instant, it took a lot of time & I'm so glad that he helped me wake up and led me to FOTCM.

In my experience (or rather, my partner's experience) - it is helpful to find someone who is already on a hunt for the truth, someone maybe a little spiritual, use your inner guidance & discernment to sense if they're worth it.

Slowly introduce them to the concepts, plant lots of seeds, get them to question them self more and more, it took my partner a year but it payed off for the both of us. I couldn't be more thankful.

I can tell you, it wasn't easy for him. I think he suffered a lot of attacks through me over this time.

The mental conflict I was going through made me an easy target for the lizzies and he suffered greatly.

I will raise some direct assumptions, and a little hard.

With the parts in bold, you can see that some time ago, had problems in their relationship, as you mention, is with him only out of gratitude, if your partner seek such "distraction", maybe it can be a way to evade reality? be in a relationship in which you have thanks to him, and he empathy with you or do not want to cause any damage, being more direct, to talk about their feelings with you? I feel that both want to partake of some kind of game? and they do not want to be honest with each other?

I think if two people decide to engage in a relationship, is by common consent to practice "the art of loving", ie care, responsibility, sincerity, knowledge, support, relationship of sincerity, love in principle is a decision, it is a challenge constant growth and is working together, there is a period in which one gets to know the other person, and to decide if its complementary soul, or just is not.

My recommendation would, be sincere , both, express their concerns, doubts, fears, discomfort, decirce face to face, I love you, or otherwise simply no desire to continue together, in the end the decision to end the relationship or not it is only you.

I hope it will help a little

 

[Joe]

Hey sarahelizabeth, I think you need to understand that this behavior is not acceptable in a love relationship. Once you understand that, he needs to understand it too. At that point, both of you will be in a better position to decide if you want to be in a relationship. If your partner insists it "isn't a problem" when it clearly is by any normal standard, and if, as FOTCM member he is unwilling to discuss it here and try to resolve it, then I don't see what other option you have other than to make a choice for yourself and your own self-respect and well-being.

 

[seeks]

Hi all,

Sarah i had a feeling weeks ago,you werent happy in your current situation, just from reading some of your posts.

From the good answers people have already suggested, Red Star has suggestions that i would read.

Red Star quote

That is your lesson. It gives you the opportunity to learn and be stronger.

The answer is in you.


Hope everyone has a good day :)

 

[sarahelizabeth]

Thank you everyone, each of your posts have helped so much. I find it so difficult to talk to my family and friends about this stuff because I don't want to poison them against someone that I love. It's really great to know that I have you guys, thank you so much. Incredibly supportive, I really appreciate it.

My housemate, who is absolutely incredible at helping each of us see where the other is coming from, also presented me with this valid point: He has a flirtatious personality, it has toned down significantly since we decided to be a couple, but it is a part of who he is and he wouldn't have been talking to this girl in this way to intentionally hurt me (not that it means I am ok with it at all, it absolutely has to stop). The other thing she noted was that this is entirely my perception of the situation - he doesn't perceive it as something wrong.

I think my next step is to have a discussion with him about, for lack of a better word, "boundaries", that's something we haven't done. Trust is incredibly important to him, but it is difficult for me to trust him without receiving the respect I feel I deserve. Respect is incredibly important to me.

blue bell, I think you're right, the reason I have been a little down in the dumps lately is that I don't feel valued and respected in this relationship. I need to realise that this isn't actually a reflection of me, it's just where he is at right now, he does in fact value me, the respect is something that still needs work and I think he is willing.

Percival, I certainly understand it is wrong, he doesn't perceive it that way but I think he will be willing to make an effort to be more mindful of these things. I have just sent him what I have posted and told him he is absolutely welcome to chip in :)

riclapaz, it has been a long and bumpy road, a lot of drama as we both grow and learn our lessons. After this discussion we're to have, I believe we should have some kind of idea of what we both need from each other in a relationship and if each of us can manage it. I am certain there is love between us, so far we have been working through things as they arise, I think now it's time to have a mature conversation about why we love each other and what is holding us back from our potential as a couple (fears, doubts etc).

Bruce, thank you for your empathy, it's so greatly appreciated. It's a vicious cycle sometimes with us, I will often react to an undesirable situation without attempting to understand him at all, this will prompt him to mirror my attitude and get defensive rather than also seek to understand. We have communicated effectively in the past and I know we have the ability, it's a two way street.

BHelmet, I think you have a very interesting point, I absolutely love the way your mind works! Always so outside the box and imaginative. As you can see from my above responses, I have done as you said and looked in the mirror and I have some work to do on myself to help this relationship too. I'm sure I can probably look even further into the mirror as we progress. P.s. love the joke! :P

casper, it has been a long road so far, beginning from no trust, to almost entirely trusting and now back to a tainted trust. I am not ready to give up on what we have together, as long as he shows that he is willing to grow with me, I am willing to try and understand him and re-build trust. It is difficult to trust someone when you know they are capable of lying, but really, the lie wasn't of that much importance. The flirting is, but I am of the understanding he is willing to stop that completely. It is not necessary in any circumstance.

Magpie, thank you so much, oh that warm hug is nice! You have so many spot on points. It has become a bit of a nasty cycle with trust and respect between us - I think it boils down to the lack of communication and understanding about what is important to each of us in a relationship. I think you're especially right about the saviour complex too - good pick up! I do struggle sometimes to communicate with him using strength and bravery as he is incredibly intelligent and great at proving himself right, even when he is not right. I have found on the occasions that I have communicated with bravery and strength it has worked far more effectively.

Red Star, you're absolutely right and the questions you provided me are so valuable. I struggle sometimes, I have learnt to question my thoughts and I know how well it works in seeing reason - I seem to constantly forget my most valuable lessons. It's frustrating to say the least - I suppose I should question myself as to why I keep forgetting these lessons.. hmm..

Kasia, I believe he uses it as an escape from reality. He enjoys the banter that he has in his online chat rooms, although he will no longer be enjoying the flirtatious banter if he wants me in his life (ha ha), that is without a doubt not a negotiation. He's not entirely happy at the moment, he tells me his unhappiness has nothing to do with me, but really, how could I know? Maybe I am not right for him? Having said that, happiness should come from within.

Thorn, thank you, I so appreciate your reassurance. The lie was trivial, the reason is personal to him so it's best I don't talk about it, he had some difficult stuff going on in his life at the time.
RE: other problems: That is a good question, I don't believe there is, we rarely spend too many days apart. After two days we miss each other too much, we adore each other most of the time, these slip ups make me second guess the love a little bit. I'm sure there are things that I could be doing to help the situation too.
RE: why I'm with him: There are so many things that keep me with him. These are just some, the most practical ones that spring to mind when I am upset and trying to reason with myself. I love him because he is generous, hilarious, witty, intelligent and it feels right to be with him. We're connected, often I'll just weirdly know what he's been doing with his day without discussing it.

Xico, you could be right, it might be time, I have decided to give it one last shot after a really good, mature discussion to try and understand each other better and create a more equal relationship in which we can both give what each other needs. If then, it doesn't work, then it wasn't meant to :)

 

[sarahelizabeth]

Another thought RE: "Lose what needs to be lost to find what needs to be found" in this instance.. From a self growth point of view, maybe I need to lose a part of my ego that keeps me from trusting him, to find peace in this relationship. Maybe I need to lose the belief about myself that I am not enough or not valued.

I don't believe he would ever cheat on me in a physical sense. This is still a form of emotional cheating and it isn't ok in my eyes. He needs to go within too and ask himself why he feels the need to flirt with other women in any situation (web based, face to face etc). Although it hurts, I'm absolutely sure it's not in any means to 'woo' the woman, there is likely something deeper behind it that he will need to address. Maybe he doesn't feel like he is enough so he tries to source that "want" from elsewhere? Maybe I could help if that was the case.

So many possibilities and all of your responses have opened my eyes to them.

Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all.

 

[MusicMan]

Hello sarahelizabeth, sometimes the lessons life sends our way are not easily discernible at first, and your understanding only comes in hindsight.

It may be that your partner is 'not that into you' for whatever reason.
If he is indulging his passions in long distance relationship games, and yet is a FOTCM member, it is showing that he still has lessons of his own to learn, and only he can do that.

He does this from his own free will, just as you should exercise yours.
It's your move..