Healing the inner child

[Smallwood]

My only experience with the inner child so far has been when I was in therapy and I listened to my therapist talk about something. As I listened to her I suddenly felt something move in my chest and before I knew it I was in tears. It felt like it came from a very child part within me, probably around age four. I felt that at last I have somebody to talk to, to share my experience with.

Some time later I fell into psychosis and I haven't heard from the little guy since. I would really like to since I long for some kind of playfulness in my life. I suspect that I could get very far if I just wouldn't be so afraid of my emotions.

 

[truth seeker]

I had one very recently with what I believe is someone else's inner child. They were very upset and crying. Later on that day, it occurred to me that What I was seeing wasn't the person themselves but rather their own inner child crying from fear of rejection. This made me really understand (meaning that I really felt it) how we can find ourselves taken off guard by feelings we think we are experiencing in the present when in reality, the feelings are coming from old wounds.

This also made me take a closer look at my own reactions to situations and really question where they are coming from. Who is really crying? Who is really angry? In my opinion, when we are experiencing emotions that are really strong, that are out of proportion to the current situation or don't fit with the situation (we are really angry at someone we don't know at all or well), this can be a clue that it's really the inner child who's reacting.

 

[Laura]

I think it is just the way I write, Laura. I was trying to make it easy to read. They are mostly integrated. On occasion, and it is rare, I will get a glimpse of something and know exactly what it is, as when I first started posting here, referenced above. By and large, I find it only occurs if it is an event that happens rarely to trigger such a thing, and it is very very mild compared to what it was years ago- I can just catch the subtlety. <snip>

So I catch things like that which are not intentional, but are the result of the way I went about learning all of this. I got to the point where I knew I could not go any further by myself, and however this turned out was just going to be however this turned out so to speak. As I said in prior posts I had some bad experiences with groups as a child, and that combined with this I am telling you held me back. In real life, there is no one I know "working", so my attempt at saying what I mean here is 10 years worth of reading, that is ordered in my head, and never has been attempted to be put down in the written format. I hope this helps you to make more sense out of me , and my improper wording at times, and why I am not as clear as I would like to be. There may also be some things that I did not, indeed, integrate correctly. I am willing to say that is possible, although I feel pretty integrated, except for diet, which is my next project . I do know that I have suffered more trauma than most people that I personally know, emotionally, mentally, and physically,so that may have slowed me down quite a bit, as that was a lot to process, and still comes up internally sometimes.

Understandable. Then, steady as she goes. You might find your learning enhanced at this stage by practicing phrasing your comments as questions to be answered rather than as categorically known. It's a good exercise for the mind, especially for someone who has worked alone.

 

[Gimpy]

I had one very recently with what I believe is someone else's inner child. They were very upset and crying. Later on that day, it occurred to me that What I was seeing wasn't the person themselves but rather their own inner child crying from fear of rejection. This made me really understand (meaning that I really felt it) how we can find ourselves taken off guard by feelings we think we are experiencing in the present when in reality, the feelings are coming from old wounds.

This also made me take a closer look at my own reactions to situations and really question where they are coming from. Who is really crying? Who is really angry? In my opinion, when we are experiencing emotions that are really strong, that are out of proportion to the current situation or don't fit with the situation (we are really angry at someone we don't know at all or well), this can be a clue that it's really the inner child who's reacting.

The above is a reason I stay at home after major sporting events.


A good technique for reaching and 'talking' to an inner child (and its possible to have more than one) is finger-painting. Drawing is another. By drawing I mean just doodling with a pencil or pen. If the notion of 'getting messy' with crayola paints makes you cringe, you can use soft pastel pencils or sticks of charcoal. Drawing out emotions can be very cathartic, and if you know you have a lot of inner children, or explosive issues, its better to do the drawing with a therapist present, or bring the pictures to a therapist to talk about.

Digging into these inner child emotions can bring up all sorts of things. Its good to plan ahead and have outlets ready to help you process them: pillows or a punching bag, boxes of tissues, a sweater or blanket in case of chills, or a place to lie down if you feel dizzy, and just in case: a bucket to throw up in. (It can happen) Another way your subconscious will process inner child emotions is your dreams. If your issues have to do with traumatic injury, that may hurt, etc. Its a good idea to work on physical trauma with massage therapy in addition to seeing a counselor or other therapist.

Another good exercise is to make a bunch of drawings, say one a week, and put into it everything you're feeling. As you do the Work, over time, its possible to keep track of issues and programs this way. It can be surprising, and healing.

In college all my artwork was dark, and very angry. It would be called 'gothic' or 'death metal' these days. Over time, it changed as the inner children worked things through and grew up into wholeness. I still like some aspects of what I drew then, but found out that at the root, it was a love of the structures in nature and not 'just a death-wish'. (That would be a love for skeletal structures in living things. Its also a love of essential architecture.)

Its not easy to put any of this into words. Clarifying questions welcome. ;)

 

[Green_Manalishi]

I don't understand much of this concept of inner child, but isn't there mentions in some traditions that say that man should be sometimes as a child or see things as a child, or something like that?

I can relate to the descriptions that someone made about the fear of being rejected, not talking and such, i used to have a lot of that. But doing the EE, changing some diet habits, doing Yoga, searching for something far greater than me, aka the truth, :), i see now that i ended up overcoming those fears using the same technique (having like a parent supervising that inner child, perhaps with my intellectual centre) without really realizing it or giving it this name or description.

I had a small experience the other day that kind of stayed recorded in my mind, maybe because my intellectual centre was more attentive and was watching the inner child. I don't know if it could be catalogued as my inner child. What happened was that i was bathing in the sea, and it was this really perfect day, the water was warmer than usual, very transparent with this beautiful rolling waves, and the waves were just splashing against this rock and it was hitting my face, and i was just laughing of simple happiness. Those minutes fuelled me for the whole week.

Could this be an example of our inner child aided by some higher centre, because i believe that it might have been a higher centre that helped really focus and/or concentrate and realize it in a different, more "higher" manner that i can't quite explain.

Well i really don't know if i made a lot of sense with this, but i don't think i can keep bottling this kind of experiences up :)

 

[Buddy]

I don't understand much of this concept of inner child, but isn't there mentions in some traditions that say that man should be sometimes as a child or see things as a child, or something like that?

Hi Green_Manalishi. Have you read The Myth of Sanity or any of the basic psychology recommended reading? I think you will find that the inner child is the part of us that was 'left behind' as the result of certain sufferings in childhood. :)

 

[truth seeker]

The above is a reason I stay at home after major sporting events.


A good technique for reaching and 'talking' to an inner child (and its possible to have more than one) is finger-painting. Drawing is another. By drawing I mean just doodling with a pencil or pen. If the notion of 'getting messy' with crayola paints makes you cringe, you can use soft pastel pencils or sticks of charcoal. Drawing out emotions can be very cathartic, and if you know you have a lot of inner children, or explosive issues, its better to do the drawing with a therapist present, or bring the pictures to a therapist to talk about.

Digging into these inner child emotions can bring up all sorts of things. Its good to plan ahead and have outlets ready to help you process them: pillows or a punching bag, boxes of tissues, a sweater or blanket in case of chills, or a place to lie down if you feel dizzy, and just in case: a bucket to throw up in. (It can happen) Another way your subconscious will process inner child emotions is your dreams. If your issues have to do with traumatic injury, that may hurt, etc. Its a good idea to work on physical trauma with massage therapy in addition to seeing a counselor or other therapist.

Another good exercise is to make a bunch of drawings, say one a week, and put into it everything you're feeling. As you do the Work, over time, its possible to keep track of issues and programs this way. It can be surprising, and healing.

In college all my artwork was dark, and very angry. It would be called 'gothic' or 'death metal' these days. Over time, it changed as the inner children worked things through and grew up into wholeness. I still like some aspects of what I drew then, but found out that at the root, it was a love of the structures in nature and not 'just a death-wish'. (That would be a love for skeletal structures in living things. Its also a love of essential architecture.)

Its not easy to put any of this into words. Clarifying questions welcome. ;)

Actually, I think I'm the one who needs to clarify. :) What happened in the example above was that for the first time, I really came to understand this concept in my marrow. I really felt it for the first time as opposed to intellectualizing it. Hope that makes sense.

In terms of digging out emotions, a few weeks ago, I was attempting to dig out anger issues I knew I had but were so well hidden that they would come out in insidious and unexpected ways. What I did was to journal about it. I wrote a letter to my mother telling her how I felt. In addition, I tried to keep this in mind as I was going to sleep in an attempt to dig it out through dreams. Well a few days later that week, a situation presented itself that was the perfect opportunity. The actual feeling came up and I was able to link it to sadness and disappointment at not feeling heard and not having someone advocate for me or stand up for me in situations surrounding attempts at molestation by predators. I was also for the first time able to see as an adult that these people were pedophiles!

This in particular took me by surprise because when I view others in those situations, I have no problem seeing them for what they are but because I was still viewing my own situation through the subjective viewpoint of who I was at the time, I only saw them as weird/messed up people. While this is true, they are also pedophiles.

I believe this is an example of integration. For the person to be able to see a situation more objectively thereby allowing for a more appropriate and balanced response. An example might be a child who is wearing adult clothing in an attempt to pass as an adult. Every adult in the room can clearly see that the child is simply playing at being an adult but the child really thinks that by wearing the clothing, they really pass as an adult. To them, it's that simple.

I don't understand much of this concept of inner child, but isn't there mentions in some traditions that say that man should be sometimes as a child or see things as a child, or something like that?

Hi Green_Manalishi. Have you read The Myth of Sanity or any of the basic psychology recommended reading? I think you will find that the inner child is the part of us that was 'left behind' as the result of certain sufferings in childhood. :)

Yes, also want to add that you may be confusing the idea of being childish with being childlike. Childish is when someone is stuck in acting out in ways (because of past wounds) that are immature. Childlike is when a person has access to the healthier aspects or qualities of children (boundless joy for simple things, not holding onto past grievances - holding grudges, etc.). Hope that clarifies.

 

[Green_Manalishi]

Have you read The Myth of Sanity or any of the basic psychology recommended reading? I think you will find that the inner child is the part of us that was 'left behind' as the result of certain sufferings in childhood.

Yes i have read and understand it is a part of us that has been traumatized some way in childhood. I was thinking what it could be beyond that. I think truth seeker gave a good and simple explanation of it:

Childlike is when a person has access to the healthier aspects or qualities of children (boundless joy for simple things, not holding onto past grievances - holding grudges, etc.). Hope that clarifies.

which was what i was trying to convey with the example of the bath in the sea (boundless joy for simple things).

 

[Drea]

After reading this post and thinking on it for a day or so, I believe this may have been an important key I was missing also. I grew up in a negative atmosphere, and very often I feel fear. Earlier today I had an experience much like Oxajil had in this post: http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=19650.0

For me fear is usually directly linked to my physical well being. (I have been dieting and trying to over come candida) This morning I woke up and that same flood of fear over came me like it usually does. I found myself feeling hopeless, then it dawned on me that it was the same feeling I've had for most of my life. Usually I'd go seeking comfort from an external source such as reading forum or talking with my boyfriend.

Today though, I had this nice little conversation with myself. A lot of the reasoning I used while doing this came from this forum (thank you all for that :D ) It was much like a conversation a parent would have with a child that is upset. My day was more peaceful than any I have had in a long time.

I feel that there is a part of me that has grown a lot with the knowledge I've gained, and it took me awhile to realize it was there. That part of me is something I am very proud of and I can see it clearly when I look back at who I was a few years ago. Perhaps this is the beginning of having a real "I".

Edit: activated link

 

[Seamus]

This is another thread that could be very useful if more people would post their experiences of encounters with the inner child.

I went to the dentist yesterday to have a chipped tooth repaired. Right in the middle of the procedure, when the dentist had both hands in my mouth, I noticed how scared part of me was, even though I felt perfectly calm on the surface. My jaw and neck started to ache from the effort of holding them open because of the tension in my body, I was barely breathing, my hands were clasping each other fiercely and the muscles in my shoulders, stomach, back, hips and legs were all clenched up. I could feel my heart racing. I tried to comfort the part of me that was so afraid by speaking in my head. "Oh! I'm sorry you are so afraid. I'm here with you. We'll get through this. Its going to be ok, I won't let you get hurt. Dr. [Dentists name] has been taking care of us for a long time, we can trust him." I started to breathe again and the muscles in my neck and jaw especially loosened up a bit. Soon the procedure was over and I went home.

When I got home I felt pretty funky and out of it from the novocaine that they gave me to numb the tooth. Half my upper lip was numb and my cheek around my lower eye. I felt exhausted, so I laid down to take a nap. As I was dozing off I felt the same feeling of fear welling up in me, like a weight on my chest. I tried to reassure the frightened part of myself and do my best to stay with the feelings and sensations in my body. I remember seeing some colors, figures, faces in between awake and asleep. All of a sudden I woke up a little bit because the weight on my chest lifted and I took a few deep breaths and fell asleep for several hours. When I woke up I felt a bit groggy, but more like myself.

 

[Seamus]

I think I had another "encounter" with my inner the night before last. I had a dream that I was working on our family farm, in our barn, with my mother and other people, and I kept almost seeing something, like a flash of light, in the barn. Something "off". My mother asked me what it was and I said "I'm not sure". The dream shifted to my childhood bedroom. When I was a child I used to have trouble falling asleep at night. I was always afraid, but of what I can't remember. I used to have stuffed animals with me, one on either side of my bed, and I would make my parents "tuck me in" so that the sheets were tucked under the mattress so tightly I could barely move. I would hide my head under my covers, and under my pillows and hide lie awake listening to the dark. So I dreamed that I was back in my bed, hiding under my covers. It was like I was as I am now, and as I was then, at the same time. The part of me from "now" was trying to see what the part of me from "then" was so afraid of. Saying "its ok, I'm an adult, whatever it is, we'll face it together".

I haven't thought about how afraid I was at night and how much trouble I had sleeping for a long time. I can remember at least one time when I woke up under my bed, staring at the underside of the box spring. And other times when I woke up hanging from the side of the bed because the tightly tucked sheets were holding me up. I can remember my hot, wet breath on my pillow and on my face. I don't know why I was so afraid though. I plan to ask my parents when the time is right.

I'm house sitting for a friend who is a psychologist. Last night was the first night and I saw all of Alice Miller's books on her shelf! (The Drama of the Gifted Child, etc.) I started reading Drama last night and almost started crying when I was reading her description of patients who are narcissistically wounded. I'm hoping her books will help me to better understand what I'm going through now, and what I went through when I was a child.

 

[mabar]

Hi, I read "Deep Therapy in the Fast Lane", it was interesting to me how she found her problem, although I came in conflict with her healing with her inner child, mostly with food ... it came to my mind that when she was in that process of healing she wasn't in the trying to detoxifying herself...


Later I read the "Myth of Sanity" and what happend was that I remembered situation in which other children, from my particular point of view, were in certain situations that I identified myself and understood them better that their parents, but did not remembered of my own that are hidden? ... While reading the book I was in a some sort of "defending the children" mode ... of other but not my own.


After I bring myself to write something I did not want to write in the first place and among other books "Trapped in the Mirror " -on going and "In Sheep's Clothing" -finished, I found this thread ...


... I have many programs or automatic rage responses that I am monitoring in order to find where they come from and why do I react like that, what I had found recently, is that mostly are from interacting with my family, mother, father, sister, brother ... I had observed that around other people I have more control in my behaviour.


... I am too block-out because I do have inner talkings but I do not consider it as a inner child, I think I have a problem with the word "child" ...


I went to outside to smoke a cigarette and I question myself why I am not considering my inner child ... WHY did I consider other children and not her/me (inner child)? Accompanied with sad feeling in the chest ....somewhere, I remember reading here something like, that we need to pay attention at her/his cries ... I don't know the answer yet but I am certain that it was "her" speaking out ... while writting this, the sad sensation is still there...


Although I hadn't read the book and before this feeling, I did some exercises writing with my non-dominant hand, I will look out form photographs from my childhood now that I am at my parent's house ( here they are and bring someones with me to where I live)


... one thing that I want to add, is that it becomes difficult to reassure my inner child that everythings is going to be ok, because I do not even believe it... cant say it just like that, not in the whole though. Need to be more specific.

mabar

PS I do have my close encounters with dentists ... and it involves the "don't worry, everything is going to be ok", " it does not hurt", "it taste like strawberry" ....riiiight!! ... ... so rooted that I still had problems with them (dentist), even thought I try to maintain calm and bring my ipod, concentrate in something else, the anesthetic worked well only when the session is finished.

 

[beetlemaniac]

I think many forumers have had traumatic childhoods, and a lot of emotional issues from the trauma are being worked out here, on this forum. I have been thinking about my childhood and trying to see if the same issues could apply to me. I can say that I have narcissistic tendencies (which normally come from childhood relations with parents, from what I've read).

Something that people seem to have is the 'childhood amnesia' that comes after a certain age. Thus, I suppose that this amnesia is the lost/suppressed 'inner child'. I also have this same amnesia, thus I cannot remember much about my younger self before a certain age. Also, there are a lot of patchy memories, everywhere.

I'm the eldest in my family, and from what I can remember, I was a cruel, controlling and abusing brother. Right now, at 23, I have mostly been able to control and suppress my evil tendencies. Being aware of the way I used to behave when I was growing up with my siblings makes me feel guilty. What kills me is that I don't remember (amnesia) me being kind, loving, normal. It feels like I was born evil, so to speak. Although, I guess this can't be completely true, since narcissism is mostly learnt?

And also that being kind, loving and benevolent feels slightly strange and awkward. Feels like 'this isn't me' and that I'm not being authentic. Although at the same time, I am trying to separate from the narcissistic rage that comes up when I'm around my siblings especially.

Now that I'm typing this out, I realise that I may just be venting my feelings of frustration at my 'I's, that are giving me conflicting feelings. I do not know if the 'I's related to the inner child, or are they something totally different? Or maybe I should just get back to the books, as I may be confusing the subject of 'I's, the inner child, and narcissism? I hope anyone could clarify my situation for me, as now I feel positively muddled

 

[shijing]

Hi beetlemaniac --

Something that people seem to have is the 'childhood amnesia' that comes after a certain age. Thus, I suppose that this amnesia is the lost/suppressed 'inner child'. I also have this same amnesia, thus I cannot remember much about my younger self before a certain age. Also, there are a lot of patchy memories, everywhere.

I'm the eldest in my family, and from what I can remember, I was a cruel, controlling and abusing brother. Right now, at 23, I have mostly been able to control and suppress my evil tendencies. Being aware of the way I used to behave when I was growing up with my siblings makes me feel guilty. What kills me is that I don't remember (amnesia) me being kind, loving, normal. It feels like I was born evil, so to speak. Although, I guess this can't be completely true, since narcissism is mostly learnt?

In my understanding, the childhood amnesia you mention can in part be due to trauma and narcissistic wounding that occurred and gets suppressed as a defense mechanism, as the mind attempts to shield the ego of the developing child to maintain functionality. You've mentioned your siblings, but only allude to your parents -- what were their interactions like with you and your siblings as you were growing up? And what was their response when you mistreated your siblings? Did they deal with it, turn a blind eye, or something other?

And also that being kind, loving and benevolent feels slightly strange and awkward. Feels like 'this isn't me' and that I'm not being authentic. Although at the same time, I am trying to separate from the narcissistic rage that comes up when I'm around my siblings especially.

Have you tried to identify the triggers of that rage? There seems to be a lot going on there -- a lot of the times rage is triggered by some sense of injustice. Without more information it's difficult to suggest what that might be, although again I wonder about the role of your parents as it relates to your relationships with and feelings toward your siblings.

As far as feeling unauthentic when you try to act benevolent, if you have learned to see yourself as someone who is incapable of doing so, then that would make sense. It would be important to understand that this self-image is one that has been learned -- it's a program, and with work, it can be unlearned; otherwise, continuing to do what feels 'natural' will only reinforce that image and leave you trapped in a vicious cycle. This seems to be one of those cases where you could try to 'fake it till you make it' -- act benevolently where appropriate, even when it seems unnatural, because that's what it takes to rewire your thinking until the old patterns start to feel less natural. This probably needs to go hand-in-hand with ongoing recapitulation as you try to figure out the roots of the resentment you seem to be feeling.

Now that I'm typing this out, I realise that I may just be venting my feelings of frustration at my 'I's, that are giving me conflicting feelings. I do not know if the 'I's related to the inner child, or are they something totally different? Or maybe I should just get back to the books, as I may be confusing the subject of 'I's, the inner child, and narcissism?

My understanding is that our various 'I's are programs -- little reactive personalities that are essentially automated -- that we have developed to deal with various situations and environments. They are usually so integrated into our core personality that we don't realize that they are even being employed, which is why we don't realize they exist at all unless it is pointed out to us. The inner child, on the other hand, is part of our true personality (or Being) that has been overlaid by all of these 'I's until it is often completely suppressed and can't be heard at the conscious level. Narcissistic wounding affects this inner child directly -- and results in the creation of some or all of these 'I's as buffering protective mechanisms that are then mistaken for part of the real personality when in fact they are not.

I hope this helps -- have you read all of the Big 5 narcissism books? How are things going diet-wise and with E/E?

 

[beetlemaniac]

Hi Shijing :),

In my understanding, the childhood amnesia you mention can in part be due to trauma and narcissistic wounding that occurred and gets suppressed as a defense mechanism, as the mind attempts to shield the ego of the developing child to maintain functionality. You've mentioned your siblings, but only allude to your parents -- what were their interactions like with you and your siblings as you were growing up? And what was their response when you mistreated your siblings? Did they deal with it, turn a blind eye, or something other?

I remember my parents reprimanding me for my misbehaviours, they wouldn't turn a blind eye. Still, the scoldings became normalised and I developed dissociative tendencies (spacing out) very early. Additionally, they weren't home most of the time, being at work, especially my father. I also do remember their advice that the only people who will be there to support you in times of need are your siblings. Only now am I beginning to understand my parents advice, especially that of my father. I would mostly focus my ill treatment on my younger brother. He was sort of like a punching bag for everyone in our family. He got scolded a lot by my parents for being 'stubborn' and 'difficult' (especially by my mother, both of them were constantly at loggerheads for a long time). He's gone through pretty rough times in the family, and in his own internal life. You could say that he was the demon child, or rebel of our family. Now, he's a tall, intelligent, articulate and highly self-confident adolescent. Now, I do have a good relationship with him, or so I think.

Have you tried to identify the triggers of that rage? There seems to be a lot going on there -- a lot of the times rage is triggered by some sense of injustice. Without more information it's difficult to suggest what that might be, although again I wonder about the role of your parents as it relates to your relationships with and feelings toward your siblings.

I get the rage whenever someone in my family treats my without acknowledging my status as an elder. It comes when I feel demeaned or that I have lost my superior position to them. I think they may feel that interacting with me is like treading around eggshells. My dad has also said that I used to have a lot of mood swings, though I'm not sure if these have gone away yet. I also thought that it's somewhat related to the way my parents were, especially my mother. She'd always be pushing and controlling for us to get good grades and there is a lot of emphasis on good grades in the Asian society I live in. I do remember everyone in the family getting doses of her anger, both verbally and physically. My younger brother has told me that mom would dump her stress onto him, by screaming at him almost every day. My father would be the only one to defend him, the only problem is that he was working in a different area, coming back on the weekends only. All of us had very little of our 'father connection'. That is also a probable reason for my mother's constant anger, she'd be complaining about him all the time not being around. It was pretty hard for her, since she had to single-handedly raise the four of us (I have two younger sisters as well) while managing her career. Without a proper loving connection with either parent, there is emotional disconnection with people in general, now that I see it. I'm also guessing that this is the current standard for the 'normal family'.

As far as feeling unauthentic when you try to act benevolent, if you have learned to see yourself as someone who is incapable of doing so, then that would make sense. It would be important to understand that this self-image is one that has been learned -- it's a program, and with work, it can be unlearned; otherwise, continuing to do what feels 'natural' will only reinforce that image and leave you trapped in a vicious cycle. This seems to be one of those cases where you could try to 'fake it till you make it' -- act benevolently where appropriate, even when it seems unnatural, because that's what it takes to rewire your thinking until the old patterns start to feel less natural. This probably needs to go hand-in-hand with ongoing recapitulation as you try to figure out the roots of the resentment you seem to be feeling.

I understand what you mean, especially about the 'natural' feeling as being the byproduct or result of constant activation of a set of programs. I guess dissociation also has a very 'natural' feeling to it, too. I haven't been doing recapitulation very much, but I have noticed that it does have some really positive, awareness increasing effects. I am also trying harder to remember myself during my interactions. I feel my awareness is slowly creeping into those interactions. What used to be just automatic now is slowly being more scrutinised. And what I see is nothing short of surprising, it feels different, whenever I self-observe. I know more about my machine now then I ever did. But I think I need to learn not to suppress my emotions but observe them, it's a pretty difficult because I am so used to being cold and distant toward people.

My understanding is that our various 'I's are programs -- little reactive personalities that are essentially automated -- that we have developed to deal with various situations and environments. They are usually so integrated into our core personality that we don't realize that they are even being employed, which is why we don't realize they exist at all unless it is pointed out to us. The inner child, on the other hand, is part of our true personality (or Being) that has been overlaid by all of these 'I's until it is often completely suppressed and can't be heard at the conscious level. Narcissistic wounding affects this inner child directly -- and results in the creation of some or all of these 'I's as buffering protective mechanisms that are then mistaken for part of the real personality when in fact they are not.

Thanks for making that clear. Is the inner child present as a feeling, instead of a voice in your head? Like what Oxajil said:

Some time ago I was sitting in class and I was thinking about raising my hand to say something. This thought alone made my heart pump faster. I could feel the adrenaline rush through my body and somehow there was much fear inside of me.
I told myself: "Why are you acting this way? It's okay. Nothing is going to happen. They're good people, it's safe."
And when I did that, soon enough the fear went away.

I get this feeling very often when I'm trying to interact with others. I was under the impression that this fear was related to the predator's mind?

I hope this helps -- have you read all of the Big 5 narcissism books? How are things going diet-wise and with E/E?

I have read 3 of them, the ones I haven't are Narcissistic Family and In Sheep's Clothing. I have ordered NF, I have a feeling that this book is actually one of the most important among the 5, but it still hasn't reached, it's already been almost 2 months!

E/E has been good so far, the 3-stage and warriors every day, with the full program on Mondays and Thursdays, and shifting it around if I don't have time. I'm also trying to incorporate listening to PoTS and breathing before I sleep. It really is amazing! As a side note I've recently noticed that my varicose vein has reduced in prominence, I'm leaning to the conclusion that the deep breathing in EE has helped with that, but I'm not 100% sure.

Diet-wise, a bit iffy, although I have completely banned sugar & coffee from my diet, since for me it was the easiest thing to do. I try to consciously avoid any wheat, soy, and dairy, but sometimes I give in due to the unavailability of better choices, or just pure lack of self-discipline.

Your input has helped a lot, very much appreciated! Was it difficult to understand or get a gist of what I was trying to say? I have realised how difficult it is to convey something in the proper light, and as objectively as possible. I think I spent an hour or so just getting this out. A lot of feelings come to the surface as I try to relive memories, and it progressively gets harder to think clearly, and then I get into that muddled state of mind.

Anyway, thank you for your kindness and sorry for my lack of clarity :)