So there is a particular sensation I get more or less behind the belly button in my "gut". it feels "circular" somehow, and the image that has always come to me for it is like a white spherical radiation, like a ball with surface, no edge, it just radiates out into the surrounding area. Maybe sometimes it will project upward. It's very much a qualia, I can't really describe it in terms of any other sensations. It's not painful exactly, not tightness, not heat or cold, though maybe closer to heat somehow, not nausea, and I've never had it turn into nausea. In rare cases, maybe only once, I've had it move upwards a bit and my heart rate went up, a bit of thumping there.
It generally appears when I think about certain things, particularly taking action, or dealing with something stressful, but not necessarily specifically negative things.
Possibly relevant, when a psychologist tested me for ADD when I was younger, he suggested follow-up be done because he though my (sub-clinical for ADD) symptoms might actually reflect anxiety. I've always been very cautious and pretty indecisive so that probably fits.
History:
I first noticed it when dealing with an family member of mine in my high school years, ironically perhaps the guy who somewhat opened my brother and I to alternative ideas in general. But he tended to ramble on (rather like Frank, by the sound of Laura's descriptions), and wasn't capable of handling much disagreement, he would tend to shoot down any difference of thought or opinion I had. It got so that I would have running debates with him in my head, in which he'd always have some weasely counter-argument. Thinking about him would generate the gut sensation I've described. Even in my head I couldn't imagine being heard by him, being allowed a difference of opinion. Eventually once I was on the forum I asked about it, and opted to stop talking to him. Funny enough, he hardly made any effort to reach out. If we didn't bring ourselves to him it seemed he wasn't going to reach out, which was probably for the best at that time.
Other examples of when it has appeared:
1. When I decided to try setting an Aim (didn't really work at the time, I was laden with "shoulds" and some other mysterious difficulties) and pursuing a job. At this time I researched a bit and the closest thing I could seem to find were descriptions of panic attack symptoms, one of which is a feeling in the gut. Not sure I've ever had a full-blown panic attack, though. I pushed past it and got the job.
2. Thinking about going to work at times when the job had become particularly stressful, if I recall corectly.
3. Thinking about reading SOTT and participating on the forum during the period leading up to my relative absence the last few years. There were a lot of "shoulds" there in my mind - a habit from my childhood I didn't know how to crawl out of.
So, I'm wanting to figure out what this sensation is, and what it can tell me when it appears. It seems to be a potential confusing factor, since some of things it arises in response to might be good for me, but at the same time the pattern seems to indicate there's something below the surface -- possibly sometimes purely on my end -- that is not healthy.
When the feeling is there... I guess I might say it draws or demands my attention with a certain amount of urgency, perhaps. It is difficult to do things while fighting it, and it seems to accompany a certain amount of difficulty approaching things with clarity and purpose. Something like that.
EE breathing seems to help sometimes, but it doesn't seem to address the connection between the sensation and the associations that generate it. It doesn't prevent it from appearing or give me insight about how to address it. Also, I seem to recall that at one time when EE itself was a big "should" for me, I would even get the sensation when thinking about EE! Probably one reason I really didn't manage to keep the practice well over the years, though I made use of pipe breath quite a bit.
Is there any good reading, or types of therapy, or anything else that might help me get to the bottom of this? Since this sensation is so noticeable, it seems like it could be really useful or important to learn to read it.
It generally appears when I think about certain things, particularly taking action, or dealing with something stressful, but not necessarily specifically negative things.
Possibly relevant, when a psychologist tested me for ADD when I was younger, he suggested follow-up be done because he though my (sub-clinical for ADD) symptoms might actually reflect anxiety. I've always been very cautious and pretty indecisive so that probably fits.
History:
I first noticed it when dealing with an family member of mine in my high school years, ironically perhaps the guy who somewhat opened my brother and I to alternative ideas in general. But he tended to ramble on (rather like Frank, by the sound of Laura's descriptions), and wasn't capable of handling much disagreement, he would tend to shoot down any difference of thought or opinion I had. It got so that I would have running debates with him in my head, in which he'd always have some weasely counter-argument. Thinking about him would generate the gut sensation I've described. Even in my head I couldn't imagine being heard by him, being allowed a difference of opinion. Eventually once I was on the forum I asked about it, and opted to stop talking to him. Funny enough, he hardly made any effort to reach out. If we didn't bring ourselves to him it seemed he wasn't going to reach out, which was probably for the best at that time.
Other examples of when it has appeared:
1. When I decided to try setting an Aim (didn't really work at the time, I was laden with "shoulds" and some other mysterious difficulties) and pursuing a job. At this time I researched a bit and the closest thing I could seem to find were descriptions of panic attack symptoms, one of which is a feeling in the gut. Not sure I've ever had a full-blown panic attack, though. I pushed past it and got the job.
2. Thinking about going to work at times when the job had become particularly stressful, if I recall corectly.
3. Thinking about reading SOTT and participating on the forum during the period leading up to my relative absence the last few years. There were a lot of "shoulds" there in my mind - a habit from my childhood I didn't know how to crawl out of.
So, I'm wanting to figure out what this sensation is, and what it can tell me when it appears. It seems to be a potential confusing factor, since some of things it arises in response to might be good for me, but at the same time the pattern seems to indicate there's something below the surface -- possibly sometimes purely on my end -- that is not healthy.
When the feeling is there... I guess I might say it draws or demands my attention with a certain amount of urgency, perhaps. It is difficult to do things while fighting it, and it seems to accompany a certain amount of difficulty approaching things with clarity and purpose. Something like that.
EE breathing seems to help sometimes, but it doesn't seem to address the connection between the sensation and the associations that generate it. It doesn't prevent it from appearing or give me insight about how to address it. Also, I seem to recall that at one time when EE itself was a big "should" for me, I would even get the sensation when thinking about EE! Probably one reason I really didn't manage to keep the practice well over the years, though I made use of pipe breath quite a bit.
Is there any good reading, or types of therapy, or anything else that might help me get to the bottom of this? Since this sensation is so noticeable, it seems like it could be really useful or important to learn to read it.
It feels like it probably rules me less now, but it would be really amazing if I could learn "what it means" well enough that I could use it as a signal to guide healing. That's the hope, basically.
