Here There be Monsters -- William Rivers Pitt

[Niall]

I can directly relate to Pitt's pencil story; there was a beast of a bully in one school I went to. He got great pleasure from stabbing pupils in the head with lead pencils - the ones you can press at the bottom to extend a more lead from out the top end. I was careful not to sit in front of him, but he still managed to get me once: he lodged a piece of lead right in my scalp.

I went to the school authorities but nothing came of it, maybe just a telling off. What good was that gonna do him? It would just fuel his desire for vengeance. It was obvious to me then that the teachers and lay staff were afraid of him.

Interesting timing: there's an article on Sott today about a bully being charged with assault after stabbing a classmate with a pencil:

http://www.sott.net/articles/show/202763-New-York-11-Year-Old-Boy-Faces-Charges-Over-Pencil-Attack

 

[Buddy]

Bud, I hate to say this because your family's pain is still so fresh, but believe me, your opportunities to help your children deal with bullies and bullying did not end with high school or college graduation. I think your son's ordeal with his predatory wife is not very different at all from this. Everyone is older, and the predator has more sophisticated ways of injuring another available to her, but (I'm sorry, I don't want to cause pain) if you look at the dynamic, it really seems very similar to me. She abused, caused unbearable pain, recruited his "friend" to assist in the abuse, mocked him even at the point of attempting suicide, then tried to make his pain about her! (that hysterical crying act)

This is not meant to belittle your situation or his, or to trivialize any of what he has been through. It is meant to say how widespread and lifelong I think this kind of psychopathic predation is. They start young and continue for life, and the prey has no idea what is really going on. All that pain, all that suffering, to feed monsters.

Cumulus, you don't have to be so apologetic. I don't offend easily anymore. :)

Yes, the dynamic is similar and you are correct in principle. The things you said happened, did happen. What prevented me from being able to have any knowledge of, or influence in that situation, though, was due to kids being grown, living 50 miles away, independent and proud of it and having a marriage that appeared hunky-dory in every perceivable way for 4 years before any of this started coming out, so there was no reason to believe there was a problem that needed attention. To the best of my knowledge and belief he, as well as my two daughters, have always been successful at handling any other bully that's crossed their path since being grown.

 

[Bobo08]

From my experience, some kids seem to be much more likely than others to be victims of bullying. It's like there's something that marks them out for the bullies no matter what school they go to. I also remember reading somewhere about an experiment where psychopaths can pick within a few seconds who are likely to be victims. So it's probably something in their body language that the psychopaths/bullies can read. And the body language is a reflection of their attitudes, their inner strength, so to speak.

What I'm wondering is, given the often poor responses of the schools to bullying situations, what can we do to give our children that inner strength, to teach them not to be victims? I know having a healthy and loving environment at home would help, the same with telling them about the potential "bad guys" and how to keep away from them. But for small children, there's only so much you can tell them. So is there anything else you can do? I would appreciate forum members' inputs on this.

 

[Buddy]

Bobo08, you may be thinking of: How a psychopath spots a victim and/or this.

I think of all the possible things a person could do to protect their kids from being bullied, possibly the most effective would be in not raising them in ways that give them a reason to internalize their attention in fear when faced with a potentially threatening situation. This would have to start with prenatal care though and a careful avoidance of trauma and later on, a freedom from paradoxical communication issues like double-binds and such.

They could also be taught how to recognize the levels of communication. At least the difference between what a person says and the way their body moves. We should be actively involved with their schooling so we know who the teachers are and make sure everyone knows us and that we don't give or tolerate abuse and will prosecute offenders, etc.

Our kids need to be monitored for signs of bad experiences and taught ways to keep things 'talked out' to avoid depression. Healthy ways are needed to express anger, etc.

All bullying attempts can not be prevented of course, but I think that anything we can think of to do to assist the child to keep his attention outside of himself when faced with a threat and ensure he/she has no prior reason to cringe with fear, then the chances of being 'picked out for bullying' in the first place may reduce close to nil.

Just a few thoughts from me. I'll probably think of more tomorrow after I've had some sleep. :)

 

[Adaryn]

Summed up from this article: _http://www.leparisien.fr/seine-saint-denis-93/tremblay-en-france-une-adolescente-violemment-agressee-devant-son-college-11-02-2010-812408.php

In France, a 15 y.o. teen was brutally assaulted outside her school last january -- a victim of the "ball game", where the bullies throw a ball and if it passes between the legs of someone, that person is "chosen" as the victim and gets beaten up after school. They went up to her and told her: "You're dead after school".
She was savagely beaten up by several dozens of teenagers (some witnesses report they were about 50), while, apparently, others were filming the aggression. She suffers from numerous contusions and 3 broken ribs.
The girl and her parents have filed a complaint. Three of the aggressors were temporarily expelled from the school, and have apparently been reintegrated.
A security team who were nearby during the aggression didn't intervene (these teams were created by the Education nationale to help stop violence at school…).
And it's just another case among many others.

 

[Ca.]

I went to catholic schools (or I was sent ) from second grade till fourth grade. There were nuns (not all but there a few) at this institution that would brutalize the students, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
There were times that they would make an example of the students in different and humiliating ways .
One situation, I was not doing well with math, time tables. I can vaguely remember being bought up to the front of the class as she explained that this what happens if can't get the numbers right (something to the effect). She then marched me the second grade class room in the room down the hall (as i was third ) and sat me down and left me there as to be put back a grade. I can remember everyone staring at me like a was freak (what ever a freak looks like )?
As all eyes were on me, as if there was something physically, or mentally wrong with me. The staring could be felt as if piercing it was so intense. I felt like what I suppose to do so. I just stared straight ahead and tried to just let role.
There was another situation that happen in the forth grade at another catholic school, where I watched a nun grab fellow girl classmate.
She would use her hands to express her self by waving them around . She was brought up to the front class and shook by the wrist and made to stand and rectify the problem of using her hands as means of expression.
She just broke down and just started crying and stuttering to cope with terror she was feeling. I remember feeling of so helpless of doing something. I looked at the nun and for moment and could sense that she realized what she had done, and had that certain look like op"s . I felt bad for my classmate and thought of helping help her (as the feeling of alienation and hurt was an acquaintance that I got use to) their was little I could as this common practice in the catholic school system.
All the students feared the nuns and if you brought to a priest for an issue it was going to be hell fire. Aim not sure if learned anything other than how to dance to there tune . :/

 

[Hildegarda]

From my experience, some kids seem to be much more likely than others to be victims of bullying. It's like there's something that marks them out for the bullies no matter what school they go to. [..] given the often poor responses of the schools to bullying situations, what can we do to give our children that inner strength, to teach them not to be victims? [..] for small children, there's only so much you can tell them. So is there anything else you can do?

Luthien points out correctly that in some cases the victim selection is random. From my experience too, the situation when a child is a victim "no matter where they go" is not as common. Often a child bullied in one place will do quite well when changing schools or classrooms. This may have something to do with the composition of the group of people, their expectation of him/her, and his/her own expectations of how she fits in the group. That's what Pitt wrote too, he was bullied in two schools but not in the third one he went to.

My thinking is that school kids do pick on certain features or differences to mark a certain person as an "outsider" (poor language skills, marks of social status, etc), which carries the risk of bullying if a bully is present. The actual incidents of bullying though, IMO, do much more than anything else to teach someone to be a victim of bullying. It's the same dynamics as in Women Who Love Psychopaths: the victim behavior observed can be a result of bullying rather then its direct cause. This is why we have to be careful in looking for reasons of what caused the bullying, so that it doesn't turn into victim self-blaming for what has happened, which doesn't solve the problem and only contributes to self-victimization. Even the kid most at risk for bullying may never encounter any bullying in school if he or she is, by luck or by design, in an environment where it isn't prevalent.

That being said, the most important thing we can do to prevent our kids from being bullied is, IMO, to stand by them every step of the way, never leaving them alone with school and any situation there. And to make it super-clear to both the child, the teachers and everything in a classroom, that you are an active and aware parent who will provide protection and guidance if needed.

The number one problem for a bullied child is that he or she has nobody to turn to. When I was a child, an act of "telling on someone" was a mark of disgrace forever among your peers, and even among the teachers. Nothing better could be invented to keep victims silent and further victimized. The child should always know that he can tell the parent about any conflict in school. Then, you can help them work it out on their own, suggesting verbal retorts or behavioral strategies, and if those do not work, to interfere directly with either the teacher or the other parent. By doing that, a parent is teaching a child a very important lesson: even if an incident of bullying happens, the child is not alone and not a victim. The hope is that this feeling carries over to other incidents and provides not only protective self-confidence, but actual helpful skills in communication, conflict resolution, and self-preservation. This also related to reasons why anti-bullying programs, when they are in place in schools, do work. They do not so much cut out on the incidents of the bullying as they increase reporting, making it normal and unthreatening for children to tell about bullying.

The other helpful thing is to raise the child's social status in the classroom. This can be done by volunteering in the classroom, helping the teacher, and in general just being there and projecting a positive image of an active parent. This increases chances of your child being treated fairly and well by the teacher and by extension the other children. The other helpful thing is to help give your kid an aura of "coolness" among other kids and foster friendships with classmates. That could be done by arranging to bring interesting things to share in the classroom, or coming and giving a talk about some interesting experience, or organizing an after-school chess club, or simply by encouraging the child to invite friends over after school -- all simple things, but they make a difference.

fwiw,