How are you handling your childs emotional development?

[KTC]

I'm looking for feedback. I'm particularly interested in hearing from forum members who have children but I would love insight from anyone who has some thoughtful ideas:

My son (11) and I went for a walk down the beach this morning - we are still in lockdown but 'allowed' to exercise outside for an hour with the people you live with or one other person. We live in a small town of maybe 300 people so we all know each other and our children play. As we were finishing our walk one of our neighbours arrived with her 2 children so my son went over to say hi. They started playing in the water together and then the mother ran down and yelled "you can't play together. We don't want to be responsible for spreading the virus!"

context: 2 days ago we went in to lockdown for ONE asymptomatic case in the city which is 145km from our town.

Both children stood there staring at her in astonishment. It was obvious that her child was just as devastated as mine. It really upset my son and he left the beach, jumped in his go-cart and drove home in tears. I was on my pushie (bicycle) so it took me a while longer to get home and when I did he was laying on his bed crying. How are children meant to understand the absurdity of this whole scenario?

We talked about it, did some EFT (tapping) and he was okay after a while. We do EE too but I do find the tapping is good for immediate relief from emotional stress for him.

We talked about the importance of shoe shifting - having compassion for the crazy woman who actually believes that her family are in danger of dying and having compassion for those poor children who have to live with the narrative day in day out that they should be fearful of their neighbours despite what their own intuition is probably telling them.

I'm not really sure how else to handle these situations and I know this is not the last time it will happen, in fact I suppose these experiences will become more frequent as the fear virus really sets in to the minds of those who simply can not think for themselves.

I discussed with my son that he is needed in the World right now, that there is a reason for him to be here and that him being here is playing an important role in our future. It is difficult for him to imagine that there are other families out there who see what we see and who are also living the way we are when every single child he knows is living with parents just like this woman.

I am fortunate that I get to be here on the forum and have some friends (mostly online and interstate) who see what is going on but none of his friends are from families like that and it must be so taxing on his emotional state.

To give you a bit more context, we home school - or really unschool. We do maybe 4 hours a week of curriculum. The rest is just us living our life in the bush so my son is not indoctrinated in to the system. He has some friends from the homeschooling community but mostly the kids who are homeschooled have developmental or behavioural issues. We are the only people I know who homeschool by choice for lifestyle so we don't tend to socialise much with the other homeschool families except for weekly sports and some organised excursions.

My son does have a small group of friends from when he did go to school in his early years and we have stayed in contact. All their parents believe the narrative but we make an effort to catch up so that my son has kids to play with. Our community is the same. There's a few kids here who my son frequents. One of the parents is a vaccine educator, the others are all government workers, completely indoctrinated (but good people).

My son has learned (like us) to listen rather than speak up and to show compassion always. People generally know our stance on things, that we don't agree with all this nuisance but because we are not vocal about it we all get along and avoid the topic so that the children can be friends. We don't socialise with any of the families but we are on friendly terms and our house is a hub for the kids.

What I would like to know from forum members of children is what have your experiences been and how are you dealing with it? What has worked for you and what hasn't worked? What are you doing to help your child develop a robust emotional state and what are you doing to mitigate the damage that is obviously being pushed on them from all directions?

I fear my child is missing out on being a kid and is being forced to grow up so quickly. We have a lot of fun and joy in our life, we are active, outdoors people but the emotional toil is so much more than what I had to deal with at that age. Will our children be damaged or will they be warriors? What do you think?

 

[Seamus]

FWIW it sounds like you handled the situation well to me. Our daughter is too young (9 months old) to understand or know any different but I've often wondered what it would be like for an older child and for a parent of an older child. It sounds like it would be good if you could find more friends for him that are his age that he could play freely with. I get the sense he may be quite lonely. Could he join some intramural sports teams or something like that? There must be some other parents around who feel like you do? If not could you move somewhere where there are more people like you? My wife and I have been discussing what circumstances would prompt us to move and where we would move.

Just a few thoughts, I hope that's helpful!

 

[Alejo]

Hi KTC,

I haven't got children of my own, so I don't have first hand experience. But I do know quite a few people with children who have handled it differently, some are just like that lady and are forcing their kids to be an extension of their fear, which is very sad. Just last night I was reading an article in which it was being mentioned that after 2020, most kids had dropped their IQ on average 20-30 points when tested.

Which means that social interaction and having peers to be around has a huge impact on intelligence, and I can only imagine what the overall psychological impact will be for most kids.

My niece, who is 11, grew to behave like a stressed out adult last year, and her mood didn't start to regulate until she started hanging out with her friends. Having said that, I agree that you handled the situation adequately, and I am not sure if perhaps pushing the compassion a bit further and letting your son know that, he may have been fortunate because who really wants friends like that (meaning the mother)?

As far as socialization is concerned, I suppose you might need to get creative and find ways for him to be around other kids without getting into too much trouble, unfortunately I see no other way around it. What did he say about it? what does he think about it? besides feeling rather sad, which is understandable, what are his ideas about the matter in general?

 

[KTC]

FWIW it sounds like you handled the situation well to me. Our daughter is too young (9 months old) to understand or know any different but I've often wondered what it would be like for an older child and for a parent of an older child. It sounds like it would be good if you could find more friends for him that are his age that he could play freely with. I get the sense he may be quite lonely. Could he join some intramural sports teams or something like that? There must be some other parents around who feel like you do? If not could you move somewhere where there are more people like you? My wife and I have been discussing what circumstances would prompt us to move and where we would move.

Just a few thoughts, I hope that's helpful!

Thanks Seamus,
He's not lonely. He plays team sports and music 4 times a week (tennis, ice hockey and guitar) and has a group of about 10 kids he hangs with at least once a week with regular sleep overs and social events (except during lockdowns). I also run a youth group in our town and organise events every couple of months to get all the kids together.
I'm not concerned about his social development at all, its more about his emotional health and children's emotional health in general when they are being bombarded with fear porn from other parents, social situations and other interactions.
There is one family here with similar views to us and there are another couple but they don't have kids although my son is happy to hang out with people of all ages as long as they are fun
* add edit - but yes, lonliness is a thing during lockdowns. We have been fortunate so far that our have been short (1-2 weeks). During those times we do allow him to get online with his friends and play video games for an hour to socialise. I'm not a fan at all but it means he gets to talk to his friends and feel part of a community. We are very strict with gaming apart from that and he only gets to do it when I am at online forum meet ups.

 

[Seamus]

Thanks Seamus,
He's not lonely. He plays team sports and music 4 times a week (tennis, ice hockey and guitar) and has a group of about 10 kids he hangs with at least once a week with regular sleep overs and social events (except during lockdowns). I also run a youth group in our town and organise events every couple of months to get all the kids together.
I'm not concerned about his social development at all, its more about his emotional health and children's emotional health in general when they are being bombarded with fear porn from other parents, social situations and other interactions.
There is one family here with similar views to us and there are another couple but they don't have kids although my son is happy to hang out with people of all ages as long as they are fun

Oh that's good to hear, sorry I misunderstood!

I fear my child is missing out on being a kid and is being forced to grow up so quickly. We have a lot of fun and joy in our life, we are active, outdoors people but the emotional toil is so much more than what I had to deal with at that age. Will our children be damaged or will they be warriors? What do you think?

I think our children will have much more emotional depth and strength of character than previous generations. It sounds like you're doing a really good job keeping things balanced and talking to him and staying connected.

What I would like to know from forum members of children is what have your experiences been and how are you dealing with it? What has worked for you and what hasn't worked? What are you doing to help your child develop a robust emotional state and what are you doing to mitigate the damage that is obviously being pushed on them from all directions?

As I said earlier my daughter is young but we are trying to get her off to the best start we can. Good food, minimize invasive medical procedures, plenty of fresh air and sunlight, etc. We are trying to spend as much time with her as we can and attend to her needs so she has healthy psychological development. I plan to tell her the truth in an age appropriate manner, give her books to read and show her things to help her to think for herself and develop a strong character and the tools she needs to chart her own course when she grows up. My goal is to prepare her to be a thoughtful and tough adult who can take care of herself and choose her friends wisely. FWIW

 

[Ina]

No matter what situation, no one is allowed to shout to MY kid (s in my case) what to and what not to do. I am the barrier. I would have immediately gone close to the woman and tell her to shout the instruction to me so I can convey the message in a civilized and coherent manner to MY kid (emphasis). First, foremost, last, and in between. Specifically I would have also invited her to repeat her request toward her kid in a soft voice. Not only that I would have explained my kid beforehand that lockdowns make many people to behave out of control as if they lost their minds.
Parents who want sane kids must become fierce and stand up for their kids. No matter what situation.

 

[Arwenn]

Sounds like you handled it well @KTC. I'd keep doing what you are- neutralising the emotions as they come up and preparing your boy that some people just believe that narrative and are genuinely terrified of covid being what the media/politicians are telling them. Seen from their perspective it must be frightening indeed. Just out of curiosity, how did you react to the mother? I know when my kids were young a lot of how they felt depended on how I reacted or responded. My kids are older and it's great being able to talk to them about the current craziness, but they are surrounded by friends whose families are also hysterical about covid and want them to get the vax, including their flatmates. So there's going to be tricky times ahead, especially with the possibility (more like probability) of vaccine passports coming. So far, they've managed to deflect but that'll only last for so long. I wish I had more answers!!

 

[KTC]

Sounds like you handled it well @KTC. I'd keep doing what you are- neutralising the emotions as they come up and preparing your boy that some people just believe that narrative and are genuinely terrified of covid being what the media/politicians are telling them. Seen from their perspective it must be frightening indeed. Just out of curiosity, how did you react to the mother? I know when my kids were young a lot of how they felt depended on how I reacted or responded. My kids are older and it's great being able to talk to them about the current craziness, but they are surrounded by friends whose families are also hysterical about covid and want them to get the vax, including their flatmates. So there's going to be tricky times ahead, especially with the possibility (more like probability) of vaccine passports coming. So far, they've managed to deflect but that'll only last for so long. I wish I had more answers!!

When it happened I wasn't standing with my son. He had started to play with the boy and I had our 2 dogs with me so I told my son I would walk them a bit further up the beach because they get too excited when the kids are running around.
I saw the mother running up to them but just figured she was joining in with their fun and then I saw my both kids stop playing and stand still staring at her. I could hear her yelling but couldn't make it out for the breeze. Then my son started son walking away, towards the car park so I went to him. When I got to him he was visibly upset and tearful. I looked back to her and she was flying the kite with her kids as if nothing had happened although I figured it was something odd. She waved to me and said "see ya Katie" as if nothing had happened so I just waved back and kept walking with my son who obviously wanted to get out of there.
He was hesitant to tell me and as we were walking to the carpark he kept saying "don't worry about it mum, it doesn't matter". It took me a bit to get the story from him and we were at the carpark by then so I just wanted to follow him home rather than go back to her and tell her what a retard she is.

 

[Arwenn]

Oh that sounds awful, I feel for your son. Both kids were obviously very taken aback by the mother yelling at them, and that’s just not on. I think you did the best you could under the circumstances. It would be good to share ideas on how to be as strategic as possible under these crazy times, especially in dealing with people who believe the narrative. Stay strong KTC!

 

[Renaissance]

Both children stood there staring at her in astonishment. It was obvious that her child was just as devastated as mine. It really upset my son and he left the beach, jumped in his go-cart and drove home in tears. I was on my pushie (bicycle) so it took me a while longer to get home and when I did he was laying on his bed crying. How are children meant to understand the absurdity of this whole scenario?

We talked about it, did some EFT (tapping) and he was okay after a while. We do EE too but I do find the tapping is good for immediate relief from emotional stress for him.

We talked about the importance of shoe shifting - having compassion for the crazy woman who actually believes that her family are in danger of dying and having compassion for those poor children who have to live with the narrative day in day out that they should be fearful of their neighbours despite what their own intuition is probably telling them.

I'm not really sure how else to handle these situations and I know this is not the last time it will happen, in fact I suppose these experiences will become more frequent as the fear virus really sets in to the minds of those who simply can not think for themselves.

I discussed with my son that he is needed in the World right now, that there is a reason for him to be here and that him being here is playing an important role in our future. It is difficult for him to imagine that there are other families out there who see what we see and who are also living the way we are when every single child he knows is living with parents just like this woman.

I don't have kids, but man, what a difficult world it is for children to grow up in. Children's minds are so vulnerable, and naturally will have a limited ability to understand and process this crazy world. It's hard enough for us to do as adults! The only suggestion I can think of at the moment would be along similar lines to what Lobaczewski described in the introduction of Political Ponerology, where he described taking refuge from the pathological professor:

We thus wondered how to protect ourselves from the results of this “indoctrination”. Teresa D. made the first suggestion: Let’s spend a weekend in the mountains. It worked. Pleasant company, a bit of joking, then exhaustion followed by deep sleep in a shelter, and our human personalities returned, albeit with a certain remnant. Time also proved to create a kind of psychological immunity, although not with everyone. Analyzing the psychopathic characteristics of the “professor’s” personality proved another excellent way of protecting one’s own psychological hygiene.

You can't exactly 'analyze' the ponergensis of this woman with him at the level of an adult, but perhaps there are ways of processing things with him on a level he can understand. Make things as light hearted as possible at the appropriate times. Joke with him. 'Hey, at least she is not your mom!' or things like that. Let him get a sense that such behavior is pretty crazy and ridiculous. He needs to learn a bit of distance from the pathologized mind, so I'd be weary about too much 'shoe shifting'. I'd also suggest not putting too much of a burden on him in terms of telling him he is needed in the world right now - he probably needs some relief rather than more pressure.

 

[brandon]

That sounds like it was horrid..poor kids... I don't have kids but it sounds like you're doing a really good job with your son!

I clearly remember one time when I was 10 or 11, my friend and I were playing outside at the university, as we did every weekend (because our parents were there working) when one of the security guards came up and yelled at us, grabbed our arms and marched us to the building our folks were in, told us to stay there.. then later told our parents we'd been vandalising stuff. We hadn't been.. We knew our parents didn't believe him. We weren't in trouble with anyone who mattered, though we had to sit inside for the rest of the day there.. But it *felt* like we'd done something wrong.. Was a huge shock, being suddenly shouted at by an adult. I felt really guilty at the same time as knowing I'd done nothing wrong...felt kinda shocked for days afterwards. A really weird feeling of having the illusion of safety ripped away somewhat, I guess.

I often wonder if kids I see in my neighbourhood these days are feeling a similar kind of weird guilt because of all the masks and restrictions.. Anyway it sounds like you and your son handle it pretty well but, your story made me remember that time I had at a similar age, FWIW.

(BTW when I clicked on your name I saw you're near Darwin, KTC? Not that it's important or anything, but cool, hi, that's where I'm originally from...very rare for me to see someone else online from there!)

 

[genero81]

If you see her again maybe let her know her actions adversely affected your kid and perhaps nicely suggest she be a little more thoughtful in the future. Otherwise, it sounds to me like you're doing all you can.

I don't envy you Aussies at the moment. One lockdown was all I could stand. It looks very much like they're running experiments in police state tactics down under to gauge reactions.

 

[Mari]

Hi KTC,

I think that you´ve handled really good that awful situation...
My hearth goes for your boy...

I have 2 boys, 9 and 11 (will be 12 in December).
They both go to school and it was difficult at the beginning to explain the mess we are all in, but I did it in the similar lines as you did.
You can read also what I´ve experienced with my boy here.

I don´t know if you have other people/friends who see trough this madness, but it would be good if you show him that he/your family is not alone.
Show him videos of protests so he sees that not all the world is mad.

Luckily, my partner, his brother, my brother and his girlfriend are also in our camp, so when he hears also them speaking differently from official propaganda, he is more relaxed. He adores my brother (his uncle) and that helps a lot to have at least part of the family on my/our side.

He also found a friend (1 kid among ~30 kids!!!!) in his class, whose parents are also not following propaganda.
They faked corona test in the school and declared they are positive in front of stunned classroom - so they´re having fun with it.
I explained him that, fine, you two had some fun, but please don´t do that any more.

Also during lockdown, he had 1 friend from grand school whose parents allowed them to play every day during lockdown.

So; you can tell him about the world, but first you have to see that he has best friend to play with on more/less regular basis.
Kids need each other. Maybe someone from his sports trainings or music lesions doesn´t have a true believer parent and he could spend some real 1:1 time with that boy/girl? Maybe to scan the parents and spot the one who wears a mask under his/her nose or something....?
Also, show him that your family is not alone in your thinking.

IDK, it´s awful situation and you´re doing excellent job!
Hold on!!!

 

[Gwenllian]

He was hesitant to tell me and as we were walking to the carpark he kept saying "don't worry about it mum, it doesn't matter". It took me a bit to get the story from him and we were at the carpark by then so I just wanted to follow him home rather than go back to her and tell her what a retard she is.

You can't exactly 'analyze' the ponergensis of this woman with him at the level of an adult, but perhaps there are ways of processing things with him on a level he can understand. Make things as light hearted as possible at the appropriate times. Joke with him. 'Hey, at least she is not your mom!' or things like that. Let him get a sense that such behavior is pretty crazy and ridiculous. He needs to learn a bit of distance from the pathologized mind, so I'd be weary about too much 'shoe shifting'. I'd also suggest not putting too much of a burden on him in terms of telling him he is needed in the world right now - he probably needs some relief rather than more pressure.

I agree with Renaissance, KTC. It sounds as if your son was already looking for ways of sorting out this mess himself, even if he was tearful, or especially because he was tearful and didn't want you to see him cry. In the (near) future he will move away from you emotionally, becoming an adolescent and wanting to solve his own problems without the help of his mum, so creating some kind of refuge for your son without burdening him would be a good idea.

So, I agree that joking about that woman would help and perhaps you and your son can find other ways in order to immunise him against this world he finds himself in. Perhaps writing or drawing could help him make sense of things if that's his way. Or building things. Something creative to counteract all that destruction?

When the lock-down started over here I reread Sebastian Haffner's Defying Hitler, which definitely helped me, because it made me realise that what was happening was nothing new and I wasn't the first person to live under a totalitarian regime. Putting things in perspective while encouraging your son's self-reliance in these crazy times will benefit him, but ultimately he will need to learn his own life lessons and the only thing we as parents can do is prepare them to the best of our ability (easier said than done I know!). My two cents.

 

[BHelmet]

I don't know that I would say "you are needed here now". I think it puts an unnecessary burden and pressure upon him. (and things are bad enough) Like it his task to fix the world - it is not. I would go more with: we all chose to be here at this time for some reason (perhaps implying that it is a game or puzzle for us all to find out why). It is also an opportunity to teach. Teach him to observe while he is open. You have one or two years until puberty begins to hit and that open window changes. The world has always been insane, it was just easier to ignore it in the past. Share your own early realizations as a child of living in a world that makes no sense. My heart goes out to him.