Huge relationship problem at work, advice welcome

[Ellipse]

Hello all,

Here is the short version: I think a psycho (or someone who act like a psycho) have arrived at work and he psychologically attacked me.


The long version: I work as a contractor and I'm on the actual place since 1 month. A new contractor arrived Monday, our manager was not here due to illness. I had to explain him what he have to do to prepare his computer, with what tools he will have to work, etc.. This is my role.

He immediately challenged what I said and he tried to destabilized me with unkind questions. More than that, he simply don't care about what I say to him and ask to others who are on my responsibility to what to do! As he doesn't follow my directives nothing worked at the end of the day and I had to correct myself problems.

He is someone who have to command, impossible for him to behave on another way. Look like he have learn all tricks to do that.

Tomorrow I was careful to do not interact with him much but the tension was here.

Today my manager, who do not seem to be a psycho, have come back so I explained him the situation and how the new contractor behave. So he say me we will have a meeting all three. We have the meeting in the journey but the manager talk about roles but not about the relationship problem! The contractor attack me by doing a sign to shut up me when I contradict him on a point which he was wrong. So I repeated with more strength what I have to say. The contractor immediately said I'm someone who lost his nerves, and he make a speech about this during at least 1 minute!

I said nothing but clenched my jaws and watched the manager reaction who just said "I see there's tension between you two. You have to work together" and something like "so do the peace". Unfortunately the contractor success to manipulated me because immediately after he offer me a helping hand which I have took (I was in front of the the manager).

As I'm someone who feel things x10, I think, I haven't eat much this evening and I have asked myself a lot if stopping this work is not the best solution. I can't destroy my health and I'm free after all.

Finally after thought here's the action plan:
Tomorrow morning I will immediately ask the manager a meeting asap and I will say him there's a definitive incompatibility between me and the contractor. The solution I propose is to compartmentalise the work between me and the contractor. I will work with the contractor by mail only and if more exchanges is need he (the manager) will be the link. If it's not possible he have to find a solution.

This is the best I see.

Thanks to give me you feedback, advices welcome and if you see a better solution!

 

[Mr. Premise]

Re: Hudge relationship problem at work, advices welcome

Today my manager, who do not seem to be a psycho, have come back so I explained him the situation and how the new contractor behave. So he say me we will have a meeting all three. We have the meeting in the journey but the manager talk about roles but not about the relationship problem! The contractor attack me by doing a sign to shut up me when I contradict him on a point which he was wrong. So I repeated with more strength what I have to say. The contractor immediately said I'm someone who lost his nerves, and he make a speech about this during at least 1 minute!

Ellipse, it seems like you reacted emotionally and did not act strategically. If you were to react strategically in such a situation you would have to be very calm, and be the one who appears to be reasonable. By losing your temper and arguing in front of your manager, it's no surprise that your manager takes the role of a parent of two squabbling children.

I said nothing but clenched my jaws and watched the manager reaction who just said "I see there's tension between you two. You have to work together" and something like "so do the peace". Unfortunately the contractor success to manipulated me because immediately after he offer me a helping hand which I have took (I was in front of the the manager).

As I'm someone who feel things x10, I think, I haven't eat much this evening and I have asked myself a lot if stopping this work is not the best solution. I can't destroy my health and I'm free after all.

Maybe you need to work on "feeling things x10." It doesn't seem to be helping you.

Finally after thought here's the action plan:
Tomorrow morning I will immediately ask the manager a meeting asap and I will say him there's a definitive incompatibility between me and the contractor. The solution I propose is to compartmentalise the work between me and the contractor. I will work with the contractor by mail only and if more exchanges is need he (the manager) will be the link. If it's not possible he have to find a solution.

This is the best I see.

Thanks to give me you feedback, advices welcome and if you see a better solution!

Maybe the best solution is to act really nice and reasonable, even swallow your pride and apologize to the other contractor. Like Don Juan stalking his petty tyrant, you can only have success by being strategic and not reacting emotionally. Then, with some strength, you can be seen as the reasonable person. If you suggest compartmentalizing the work to your manager after only one interaction with the new contractor, you will seem unreasonable and overly emotional. It's much easier said than done, I know...

 

[truth seeker]

Re: Hudge relationship problem at work, advices welcome

I agree with Mr. Premise. It's you who will come off as the problem, not the other person if you go through with your plan and you'll incur greater difficulties because of it. My take.

 

[Mrs.Tigersoap]

Re: Hudge relationship problem at work, advices welcome

Hi Ellipse,

FWIW, having been myself in that sort of situation, I can tell you that it seldom (never?) pays to give in to your emotions in the work place. It always come back to bite you in one way or another. I don't know if this man does it on purpose or not, but it seems like he's playing you like a violin. You are the one who called for a meeting (and thus seemed to have a problem in the first place), the one who seemed emotional during it while he is the one who appeared to want to help, the one who lectured you. All this in front of the boss. In this sort of situation, you want to play it very smoothly. See it as a great way to do the Work: accept his help, listen to his comments without reacting, make his job as easy as you can and observe all your inner feelings as you are doing so.

If it can make you feel any better, I am going through the same thing. When I first arrived at my present job, they put me in the same office as this lady who right off the bat told me that she did not want me there, that she had worked there 10 years and that she did not have to put up with me. That was a nice start. She then proceeded to generously give me about 20 % of the surface of the office to put my desk and cupboards while she kept 80%. I learned through colleagues that most of the people working with her cannot stand her because she is rude and she has arguments with just about everyone. I could have gone to the boss, I was boiling inside, the way she was treating me.

But I'm governed by my emotional center and it's one of my many weaknesses. I know that. So I decided to just do the opposite of what I would normally have done: I decided to be gracious and make that lady's life with me very easy for her. It was and it is still hard because that lady cannot help but make derogatory comments about everyone (me included of course) and brags about how she is great at everything. But honestly I have learned a lot already. I realized - with horror - that I actually had more in common with her, character-wise than I thought. That motivates me to work hard at changing

Sometimes I also miserably fail and I come back home and just rant and rant about her. I'm struggling. It's a work in progress. So don't hesitate to ask for advice on the forum when you are confronted with a particular turn of events with this man.

Take care, Ellipse.

 

[StrangeCaptain]

Re: Hudge relationship problem at work, advices welcome

I have had to deal with someone similar in a workplace in the past where I had to work in close quarters for hours at a time with him. You do, I think, need to take the manner suggested by Mr. Premise with him.

Bullies will take your politeness and professional manner as a sort of capitulation or surrender and hopefully take you less seriously. Although your manner will seem passive to him, internally you do NOT take on this behavior passively. Your polite and professional manner should hide that you are constantly observing. You may find a key weakness that can be exploited later if he becomes a serious, long-term problem. If necessary, keep a book of notes about him at home. Record dates and times of particular situations and behavioral observations.

Example: My bully and I worked together at a bar. My bully loved to tell me how to do my job down to rather ludicrous details. When he saw me do my job another way, he would get rather aggressive in correcting me. For example, there was some kind of decorative flourish I would put on a certain type of cocktail, and Fat Mouth (my name for the bully; it sounds better in French) had reprimanded me for decorating the cocktail. Concurrently, Fat Mouth had started telling the boss crazy things about me like that I was a drug addict, and I was concerned he had the bosses ear. However, I felt that the boss was reasonable man overall. I began to feel my job was threatened, so I decided to look for a moment to remove any influence he might have with the boss. Part of that was simply doing my job well.

One night, the opportunity came to exploit Fat Mouth. He, the boss, and I were working together. Fat Mouth was doing his habitual flirting with every woman at the bar, in particular, a couple of women seated together. We had an English colleague that was not working that evening. He started flirting with the same women and had captured their attention. Earlier in the evening, I had forgot myself and made one of those cocktails and decorated it and was thus reprimanded by Fat Mouth. I could see Fat Mouth was frustrated that the women were not paying him any more attention, and at the same time, the same cocktail was ordered by these women. The boss was at the same time walking to this very area of the bar. All circumstances were aligned. I made the cocktail in the way he did not like right in front of him, and due to the combination of circumstances, he started yelling like an idiot in front of the boss. I calmly watched him scream at me, and the boss was able to watch the whole thing. It appeared that I was just doing my job and that Fat Mouth had gone mad. In fact, he walked out of the bar to go cool off outside.

The boss said to me, "You don't have to let him talk to you like that. He is not your boss. I am."

"Yes, sir. In the future, I will defend myself. Thanks."

After that, any influence Fat Mouth had was pretty much gone.

Pardon me if I was verbose, but I felt that a concrete example of forebearance (having the proper manner while gathering facts) combined with the right circumstances can give you an opportunity to reduce a bully's power over his environment. Although this was highly manipulative, I felt that the moment should be seized as I was becoming concerned that he could be a threat to my job.

If truly necessary, creating the right circumstances might be possible, but that was beyond my expertise. I had to wait for the right moment. I think creating the right moment myself would be beyond my expertise now.

 

[Sol Logos]

Re: Hudge relationship problem at work, advices welcome

I'd agree too. Your plan looks like your way to manage the situation via a 3rd party authority figure. This hands over your own authority to another and there's already a feeling of powerlessness in you which the situation has brought up, so that action will likely only heighten this feeling. Personally I don't believe the feeling x10 is your enemy although others here will disagree. Controlling your feelings is one method. Expressing your feelings in a controlled manner (even if you feel sometimes out of control) is another. What I mean by this is that the situation has come to a point of conflict for a reason, that is a positive thing when you see that it's manifested because you are ready to learn something new about yourself and your own capabilities. I agree that what stops you knowing what to do and acting accordingly is due to the emotions present but the fact they are present won't remove them by ignoring them either.

There's some anger for example when you where clenching your fists - that's a natural reaction that you've had to control because at work you believe expressing this further will make matters worse and so forth and there's truth to that.

Imagine your anger is like a big raging balloon filled with hot steam. What you've done is pricked it with needle and let just a little steam come out. So what I'm suggesting is follow all the valuable advise of those here and complement it with letting some more of that steam out in the privacy of home for example. So get angry, use your imagination to put you in the situation that triggered this anger and punch a pillow or punching bag, or get in a car close the windows and turn the music up and scream out as loud as you want and just keep going with it without judging yourself because it's just an emotion and we can release them. You may go deeper and feel other emotions under all this and it's the same thing it's not about judging or identifying yourself with these either. Emotions are just that e-motion (energy in motion) when we hold on to them, they cause us suffering but when we let them have motion, they naturally leave us - but again it's only energy and who would conceive of judging electricity?

So what I'm suggesting is to let more of that steam escape, then do the breathing meditation and keep writing your observations because there's a great opportunity to learn when painful situations arise. Often we neglect that and attempt to manage the situation which in fact just makes progress slow down but that's nothing to judge yourself for either. You are in control and that means you can go as fast or slow as you want.

The thing about all this is eventually it's not about what tools we use but whether the tools help us to do things effortlessly and when we are carrying baggage with us from the past, all we do is exert effort with everything we do. The choice is ours to see our baggage as it really is, drop it one by one and feel things lighten up for us along the way. It's work, of course but in the end it's a whole lot more work to deny what we carry because we don't like what we see and carry it all anyway. In fact denying it just makes us pick up yet another bag.

The thing is in time we'll get to a point where we'll know exactly what to do in more and more situations, without effort or analysis and if you think about it, if we've learnt those lessons already, the corresponding painful situations wouldn't arise again either and if they do they wouldn't affect us anyway. The psychopath as well will no longer see you as prey as they'll sense there's few holes in your armor to take advantage of and they'll quickly move on to easier targets.

Soon enough, we'll get to a point where we'll welcome lessons like a friend and not as an enemy to avoid at all costs.

That's truly a day for celebration!

 

[Ellipse]

Re: Hudge relationship problem at work, advices welcome

Hello all and thanks for your messages!

I'm so tired this night (I haven't sleep much last night) that I do not have strength to read all.

Today I've speak to the manager about how he see the situation and he say me he have realize the behaviour of the contractor was not right but in front of him he wanted to stay neutral. So I'm motivate again. I've expose him I will do my best but minimize my interactions with the contractor. This is what I've done today and, magic, I'm zen this night.

Tomorrow morning there's a meeting with the contractor + manager + two other.

I print your messages and read it tomorrow morning during transport time. Thanks again.

 

[Ellipse]

Re: Hudge relationship problem at work, advices welcome

Hello all, here's an update of the situation 4 months later.

First, the contractor have been fired one month ago. I was right, he was inapt and the project for which he was responsible almost sink. I'd alert my manager again after my initial post here but he'd been trick by the psycho until he saw by himself that the work was simply not done. As a good psycho, the contractor blame my manager and the manager of my manager who was here come to help. It was a "funny" moment because it was in the open space and all the staff was here. Finally the contractor choose to leave, it was in the middle of the journey.

For what I know, the contractor have been fired from the company for desertion. I've learn he was asking for a pay raise just before he has been fired

After the event I can say my strategy to avoid him was good. I was zen to do my job and he blew his cover by himself.

The strategy to report the problem to my hierarchy was good too but this is what I have failed the most due to my initial emotional response. I don't lose my nerves usually but I was tired (it was the winter and the path to the office is very long) and above all I had a physical reaction with this person. This kind of reaction was new to me, just being close to him made my body nervous. Involuntary reaction, it was strange. Above all, it was my first interaction with a good psycho after I have start the work. I was conscious about this but the theory is one thing, the practise another I think I've been surprised by the speed of how events follow on. An another point is the tiredness. In a real situation we have to think this kind of parameter can play us trick.


OK, now I've begin Level II since Thursday

Since all of those events my manager have leaved the service and I was moved responsible to manage a project. All was fine until the coming of the new manager Thursday. You guess it, another psycho. He immediately call me to say that he's the new boss and he will now manage the guys, the project, and in covert words that I'm a shxx . He order to give him all the planning I've done etc... The problem is that he don't have a clue how we work here that is an STO oriented method (it's interesting I will talk about it in another thread) and he base his power on manipulative behaviour. Here we have an expression for that: "a dog in a skittle game".

The good news is that this time I've been externally totally zen :) Not internally unfortunately :(. He manage to put against him all my team and nothing can be reproach to me.
I've note all the points and I will report it to my hierarchy tomorrow Monday, principally that I'm completely demotivate. I don't know what will be decide but I can't work in a such surrounding. The difficulty I see is to explain with good words the situation. I think it's an important day for me tomorrow. We will see.

 

[seek10]

We all learn our lessons in life. Particularly many of us assume that treatment we receive is in relation to our technical skills useful to the company. Google "how to handle corporate politics" etc. There are lot of better perspectives. Be open to the new ideas. Don't try to dump all into molds of psycho's or non psycho's.

First of all, Managers ( unless one is impulsive ) won't fire/Judge any new employee/consultant with out watching over some time and building up a case against any body( how ever stupid/incompetent they are ). If he does, he has to justify his own recruiting mechanism and his credibility will be at stake. so the guy getting fired in 4 months are natural progression of events. You did good thing by reducing interaction with the guy.

Regarding your new psycho guy, there is nothing you can do who comes on the top. You may be right, but I won't judge any body so fast. Managers take some time, they have their style to come up to the speed and each organization is different. If he has shown his colors as a psycho so early means, he may not be a psycho at all. There are my thoughts.

But you need to have a strategy what you will do. Been there and burnt myself, these are my thoughts about what you wrote.

you may want to be watchful of identification with Job perfection ( sort of buffer we all built to feel worthy. sort of Self Importance that drains us to death ). Most importantly Watch your thoughts, when some thing you think that this new guy is doing stupid . This can easily become portal of attack.

Regarding handling the life with this guy , Relax. Do what is given to you. Document it. enjoy the less responsibility. Read "Snakes in Suits", in case he is really a psycho. Remember Sincerity with every body is weakness, at the same time, constructive suggestions when things are burning or when asked, will get you credibility.

Unfortunately organizations and its ideals (if any) will die if he is really a psycho. If he is really a psycho , you can build a awareness in the group very subtle and careful ways. If it goes beyond the limit, look for new Job.

There are my impressions.

 

[Buddy]

The difficulty I see is to explain with good words the situation.

In situations like yours, I've never had any luck by using anything other than the facts that bosses care about. Whatever you say in your defense, try and keep to the facts. Explain, as well as you can, how the project suffers; i.e., costs are higher than they should be, employees work is inefficient, quality is down, reputations may be at stake, etc. And stay as calm as you can to increase the contrast between you and someone's potential emotional over-reactions.

Also, I agree with seek10. Sometimes you may have to jump ship if it is clearly sinking or get pulled under with it.

 

[Sol Logos]

Hi Ellipse,

After reading your update, I wondered what made you so certain the new manager was a psycho. Perhaps it was because you hadn't mentioned why that I got the impression that it might be a premature judgement. If it is, it may be worth giving more time to observing this guy, in case you've misread him.

Anyway, I noticed my post above written a few months back. It was filled with arrogance and I'm sorry about that, I've learnt a couple thing since then.

But fwiw I really wish you all the best with this new challenge, and I believe there's a lot of helpful and insightful people here to assist you through, well worth utilizing if that's what you choose.

 

[Ellipse]

Thanks for your very good advices. I will response precisely and ask some precisions but only this week-end because I'm at home too late.

Today I've exposed the situation to the manager. I was not very good but I've say some truth. Especially the one that this person use manipulative techniques. So, indeed, the manager ask me to mention facts so I did it. Especially the one to explain me we must work in group and doing the opposite: giving orders in my back to persons I'm in charge. Important to have a clear list but it's not easy as it can be subtle. Finally the manager call the person and ask me to repeat what I have said so I did it again. Of course he denied and even lie. No surprise. But the best part was to come. There was two managers. The second one start explain him how we work but the contractor stop him, say he was wrong and explain how the work have to be done...

This is a lesson to remember. One bully can be burn by himself.

I don't know if he's a psycho but he use manipulative behaviours. A colleagues have send me this message this morning: "He called me to ask about you. He want to talk about you to manager, watch out". The other one call me to say the same thing. The contractor call him to ask what others think about me. My colleague said me: "I can believe that!".

What I ask myself is "why he use so much energy, in covert way, against me??".

 

[seek10]

What I ask myself is "why he use so much energy, in covert way, against me??".

I have the same question that you have. Is some body feeding him against you ?. If he is new manager, how does he know of you enough to become against ?. Some thing is missing.

It looks you are in france, so I don't know of the management dynamics there. But here in US, team work is considered to be important. Despite the truth in the others incompetence, people doesn't appreciate immediate judgement on any body. Many managers wants control over ( at least for damage control , if damage happen ) their team to maintain their responsibility and often their self importance and security. Often management people are subtle in making or breaking any relationships(at least at the beginning ). Managers does take opinions from many people to form their own opinion.

Your writing style telling me that you are very anxious ( As a consultant, this is understandable as these incidents produce LOT of insecurity, fears and vulnerability ) . If my guess is correct , you are not allowing your fears and emotions to come out and feel them or accept them , instead you are going straight into 'right' or 'wrong' mode and May be you are feeling stuck with out knowing what to do in this situation. Beat the Pillow.

Calm down and Ask your new manager for any feedback about you. Express the thoughts you are willing to learn as a team player. prepare before and search on the internet "How to be a team player". You want to thwart any immediate danger to your job. Of course make sure to do EE and take some vitamin C and Magnesium.

Gather more information from others and their opinions of you. write it down with out thinking .

Best of Luck.

 

[Ellipse]

I highly appreciate informations you give me seek10, you see the situation in a very accurate way.

Today the contractor was a lot less aggressive. The yesterday meeting seem to have done an effect. I've eat with the second manager (the one who was interrupt) and he said me that the first manager is not very confident with the Agile management method used in the company and I was train to this method by the manager who have dismissed. So this is perhaps the missing link. The contractor was perhaps briefed to be watchful about what I do and he have perhaps overreact.

The second manager said me they have been surprised by his over implication.

I will try to think about a strategy and I will ask your advice about it, seek10. Tomorrow there's a situation point with the manager. I will say I notice an improvement.

Thanks again.

 

[seek10]

Today the contractor was a lot less aggressive. The yesterday meeting seem to have done an effect. I've eat with the second manager (the one who was interrupt)

communicating with Management people over lunch is the way to go to understand what is going on. I am very poor at it and has no interest either.

and he said me that the first manager is not very confident with the Agile management method used in the company and I was train to this method by the manager who have dismissed

.

search internet on your aggressive manager's name and check his linked in or equivalent professional social networking websites for his background. He may be a person with lot of ( or even prided ) on development projects. It is too common that managers with development backgrounds OR developers consider that these management methods or other SDLC methods are waste of time. Any additional pushing in those aspects or trying to enforce may be considered aggression.

In my experience, Many companies use these methods just for name sake, many managers has no interest in implementing them, unless some body from very top comes with big stick, even that change is only for short duration. I don't mean to invalidate these methods, but I am trying to give my perspective based on my experience. I could be completely wrong. That partially explains the friction with new comers.