Hugs and handshakes

[mcb]

I grew up not having any use for handshakes, hugs, or social kissing, even though my world was full of all three. For me it was part of a larger pattern of autistic spectrum issues that also included avoiding eye contact. I was mystified as to why people did these things (or for that matter why they always asked "how are you?" when they didn't care and didn't want to know). I would not initiate them myself and, back then, didn't understand how other people perceived my behavior.

I am more flexible now, but hugging is still scary. It's hard to engage in behaviors just because you know other people may avoid you if you don't, and sometimes I forget to do it (polyvagal theory is helping me understand "sometimes"). It is nice, on occasion, to spend time with children that don't yet feel the need to act like adults.

 

[paralleloscope]

I remember reading somewhere that there is some kind of exchange of love energy by having two hearts pressed together during a hug.

It's a nice fuzzy thought of synchronized hearts but taking a 4th way reality view this seems far fetched but perhaps if it was real love in the polar opposite kind of hearts?. It reminds me about Dan Winthers' whacky love touch theory that if you are to hug with love you should press in for phi amount of time of hug and then gradually release : _http://caltek.net/dan/connectivity/phibiz/touch/touch.html

I would say the "mix" is neuro-chemical.

Sounds reasonable.

Self-referencing ritual. Fun and harmless to the "ritual believing mind"; inculates the 'fun and harmlessness' as an end in itself, OSIT. Rituals can be a means to an end, but I suspect it's mostly to reinforce mechanical 'doing'. You read the 'addiction' chapter in the online Wave?

I think I see what you are saying and it might make sense but will reread that chapter.

There's the hug you get from your children,warm and sincere but when they want something it is short and standoffish ;D.

Yeah I seem to have noticed this one, children can be good liars and manipulators but their bodies have not yet been desensetized it seems.
...

Thanks for sharing your story Megan. I don't recall any cuddling past the age of 5 so bodily contact always seemed strange untill teenage kissing age. In between those stages I remember it was an unspoken rule that my sister and I had to run down the stairs when my dad came home from work to hug and kiss, the mechanical expectation was torture. This weekend I am in a reiki class and the teacher told us all to hug after the first three hours, everybody seemed very akward about it and take on fake smiles, curl their toes exchanging curtesies, not counting her assistant who really really seemed to enjoy long intimate hugs with people she doesn't know.

 

[wmu9]

I don't know if it's more urban legend that documented fact, but they always say hugs trigger the release of oxytocin.

 

[mcb]

I don't know if it's more urban legend that documented fact, but they always say hugs trigger the release of oxytocin.

Some research points in that direction. In light of Polyvagal theory, I think it would depend on whether you felt "safe" at the time. I don't, generally, and I am sure (from my physiological indications) that hugs usually have quite a different effect.

 

[anart]

I tend to hug in social situations and shake hands in business situations. Years ago, I avoided hugging in order to keep a distance between myself and others, but as I've grown (still in progress), I've become more comfortable with hugging and do it naturally now. It's a much more personal, sincere way of greeting, for me at least - especially greeting a friend - though I don't do the 'fake hug' so perhaps that's the difference. As with handshakes, you can tell a lot about a person when you hug them - of course, we all give off all sorts of information with body language as Galatea mentioned.

 

[D Rusak]

I have always been a non-hugger. I think it stems from my youth- my parents were not especially touchy feely with us. My dad never gave us hugs (occasionally we would get a handshake before bed) but my mom used to be okay with physical affection. I remember really liking to cuddle up next to her and hug her arm. Finally though (maybe I was around age 8 or so?) she said I had to stop since it was annoying her, or it would cut off her circulation (okay, maybe this last one was a valid concern). Anyway around this time in general hugs and such pretty much stopped except for the obligatory one when grand parents would come over, when they left we would give them this "obligatory" hug which was sort of forced. I grew up thinking the other kids who would have their parents wait with them at the bus stop and give them a hug were weird, but now of course I see it totally differently.

I see it as a program I am running and gradually am getting better with accepting a hug as something ok in social situations though I'm rarely the initiator. My machine still really fights it. I don't seem to have a problem with handshakes for whatever reason, and always use them when meeting a new person, especially a colleague.

 

[Rosemary]

Nothing wrong with either being a hugger or a non-hugger as long as it's sincere. I'm only a hugger with certain people I know really well, and some people I have known for a long time, and I know them well enough to know they need to have a a large personal space to feel comfortable.

Sometimes, however, a hug as a gesture of empathy can be really comforting. I was given a hug by a colleague of mine last week, which normally I would have been really not comfortable with, but the circumstances were that I had been working for fourteen hours straight and then got punched in the face by a psychiatric patient I felt awful, and I am ashamed to say I burst into tears like a child with frustration at the situation, and this colleague who I barely know immediately gave me a hug and I was really touched by her empathy and felt better afterwards instead of feeling like it was a totally innappropriate thing to do.

 

[Lorraine]

Nothing wrong with either being a hugger or a non-hugger as long as it's sincere. I'm only a hugger with certain people I know really well, and some people I have known for a long time, and I know them well enough to know they need to have a a large personal space to feel comfortable.

Sometimes, however, a hug as a gesture of empathy can be really comforting. I was given a hug by a colleague of mine last week, which normally I would have been really not comfortable with, but the circumstances were that I had been working for fourteen hours straight and then got punched in the face by a psychiatric patient I felt awful, and I am ashamed to say I burst into tears like a child with frustration at the situation, and this colleague who I barely know immediately gave me a hug and I was really touched by her empathy and felt better afterwards instead of feeling like it was a totally innappropriate thing to do.

Yeah, I think hugs are comforting when you're really upset and it helps you to feel you're not alone.

As a mother I found it very hard to hug my son when he was a child. He would just sit there stiff as a board. Initially I could never understand this, felt rejected and worried. It was only when we discovered that he was suffering from Aspergers that I could understand why he would never respond. It was interesting when he could vocalise why, in his mid twenties mind you, and he told me he didn't think it was important and couldn't figure out why you would want a hug. So ok, we didn't do this, but I always felt sad.

However, this year for some reason he responded to a hug when I congratulated him on getting a job. I was over the moon.

So yes I think hugs are special.

 

[melatonin]

Ive never understood why focused eye contact = trust.
Id actually say the opposite, as it would signal to me that someone had a good mask/persona.
I also find extended eye contact from fellow males pretty threatening.
I know im far more comfortable with people who show everything on the surface, and very few people are like that.

I much prefer a handshake, with women and men i dont know very well. (Im a guy).
If i get to know a female well, and i know they are a genuine person, im fine with hugging.
Im not keen on it otherwise, like certain horrible family members ive had, where it just becomes a front to make them out to be caring, when they are far from it!

 

[Al Today]

I use three types of handshakes.
1) One firm grasp in a business like nature. For all males, and some females depending on the situation.
2) One for the female persuasion that are off-center and of more a holding nature. Instead of a grasp, I use fingers and thumb with my knuckles pointed upwards. I was taught this was a matter of manners. Kind of like taking your hat off when indoors.
3) For those times of warmth, I use one hand to grasp, and the other as an overlay. To offer my trust, confidence, and friendship.

Hugs are for people I really, really like and have missed. I hug my wife daily...
:) :) :)

 

[Beau]

Ive never understood why focused eye contact = trust.

Because an averted gaze while speaking is typically a clear tell that an individual is lying.

 

[efeuvete]

Ive never understood why focused eye contact = trust.

Because an averted gaze while speaking is typically a clear tell that an individual is lying.

If the individual is not a psychopath...
Psychopaths eyes are something like a TV ad of what he thinks you're looking for.

 

[Al Today]

Because an averted gaze while speaking is typically a clear tell that an individual is lying.

I have heard that the eyes are a window to the soul.
BUT...
I know of people who have been traumatized in their life and eye contact with them is difficult.
A good psycho could look as anyone else.?.?.? I know some people who can lie with a straight face while looking into your eyes. Think about those political humanoids...
I really don't think eye contact is a definitive answer to a persons character. There are just too many variables.

 

[seek10]

I was always aware of what shaking hands signifies, specifically between men. If you have a strong firm handshake, then you "seem" to be more trustworthy. Eye contact with the handshake is important. Of course, all of this can be faked convincingly.

Giving firm handshake , slightly shaking hands is a part of good interview greeting technique. i.e any body can follow the tip including the psychopaths. so , whether it signifies some thing or not depends on many factors. any way we live at different levels, physical , mental and emotional and psychic level. so it all depends on what is there in their mind and other factors.

Personally and culturally, I never hugged any body until very recently, doesn't even remember my parents hugging me. Once started interacting with some people in US, after couple of years of interaction, now I don't feel uneasy to hug. But during the WORK , I started feeling the child craving for hugs (validation). I tried to made sure not to make the same mistake to my children.

funny, Cultural habits are mean differnt things for different people.In India, we used to put complete hands over othres shoulders while walking on streets as a indication of trusted friendship. In the western world, it means completely different thing.

 

[Bar Kochba]

One can usually tell if another is "genuine" by looking in their eyes while they are speaking. There is an impression you will receive from them.

We most likely want to believe the best of everyone; that they are telling the truth. Conversely, if we don't like the person, we will most likely want to believe the worst of them. This is how a liar becomes believable; they take these things into consideration. We ignore that faint impression that tells us something isn't quite right with this other person. I personally cannot explain this impression or what it is, but I know it happens and I know that it has been correct 9/10 times for me in recent years (since I have become more aware and observant of reality).