TheSpoon
Jedi
I feel happy today. Peaceful, centered, still.
Walking the kids to school - they looked so cute bobbing along with their umbrellas. I felt very proud of them. Clouds hanging over the mountains, birds chirping. Work under control, no pressing deadlines, no fixed hours. Little money coming in, but less money going out so no problem there.
I think I was starting to feel this way last August, then everything blew up with the fact that I'd been leading something of a compartmentalised double life. I've been on an addiction recovery course since then which I've come to the end of now. I'm overdue for writing about that and also a review of the course because I think it's got a lot to offer in the realm of emotional management and health based recovery as opposed to maintaining abstinence, which the course considers to be the first step, not the goal.
So I think there were a lot of things that I'd been feeling guilty about, hiding from myself. Not being someone that I could respect, and who can be happy in that state?
One of the things the course has helped me with is my self discipline. I'm now doing situps, pressups and leg lifts every morning (+1 each day), meditating in the evening and then getting myself to bed on time. Which has been a real problem for me when my wife is away - planning to get to sleep at 10 and then finding myself still up at 4am watching back-to-back episodes of Battlestar Galactica without going through any sort of decision making process to decide to stay up, just finding myself doing it. Just like Gurdjieff says - one "I" decides to do, another "I" decides otherwise. Which would leave me tired and ratty with the kids the next day. Not good, and worse the next day, a real downward spiral. So it's nice to be getting the full 8 hours, and also builds confidence in my ability to do the same thing the next night - and perpetuate a good habit.
Walking the kids to school - they looked so cute bobbing along with their umbrellas. I felt very proud of them. Clouds hanging over the mountains, birds chirping. Work under control, no pressing deadlines, no fixed hours. Little money coming in, but less money going out so no problem there.
I think I was starting to feel this way last August, then everything blew up with the fact that I'd been leading something of a compartmentalised double life. I've been on an addiction recovery course since then which I've come to the end of now. I'm overdue for writing about that and also a review of the course because I think it's got a lot to offer in the realm of emotional management and health based recovery as opposed to maintaining abstinence, which the course considers to be the first step, not the goal.
So I think there were a lot of things that I'd been feeling guilty about, hiding from myself. Not being someone that I could respect, and who can be happy in that state?
One of the things the course has helped me with is my self discipline. I'm now doing situps, pressups and leg lifts every morning (+1 each day), meditating in the evening and then getting myself to bed on time. Which has been a real problem for me when my wife is away - planning to get to sleep at 10 and then finding myself still up at 4am watching back-to-back episodes of Battlestar Galactica without going through any sort of decision making process to decide to stay up, just finding myself doing it. Just like Gurdjieff says - one "I" decides to do, another "I" decides otherwise. Which would leave me tired and ratty with the kids the next day. Not good, and worse the next day, a real downward spiral. So it's nice to be getting the full 8 hours, and also builds confidence in my ability to do the same thing the next night - and perpetuate a good habit.
