I think I'm schizoid (and complicated)

Tomek

Dagobah Resident
FOTCM Member
Hello there,

I discovered the LKJ’s work for almost 7 years. Since that time, I participated in several forums, the former onnouscachetout.com, the French SoTT forum and now this one. That said, "participate" is perhaps a little too strong, and it's especially true on the forum Cassiopaea English, I rarely contributes to discussions, so that all topics discussed here are the only one who really deserve to be. I also briefly part of the French translation SoTT team, but my motivation has deteriorated rapidly. Why?

Members of the old french forum remember perhaps I was a victim of panic attacks there is a little over a year. These attacks lasted two months, until I stop taking Xanax and I decided to pay more attention to my lifestyle and what I eat. But I do not think having fully recovered from these two nightmarish months where everything was likely to make me switch on the brink of madness. I see the Work I have done since that time and the knowledge I have acquired as the only things that prevented me from becoming completely crazy.

Since that time my attention and my motivation have continued to deteriorate: I find it hard to leave my home (especially since this crap government has banned smoking in bars), I don’t play my bass guitar anymore, I stopped writing and the only activity that I positively considers is sleeping, to make time pass faster. I continue my studies after all, like a tribute that I pay to the 3 rd density ...
I take this small moment where I am sleeping less deeply than usual to write this message. I did several searches to try to determine what’s wrong with me, and a few days ago reading an article dealing with the schizoid personality disorder was like a shock to me. "Damn, but that's me!" It really made me feel strange when I realized that all elements of my personality could be summed up in a series of pathological symptoms ... I do not feel for all correspondence with the schizoid personality as it is described Political Ponerology, but still, something does not turn round.

Are there other people here who suffer or thinks to suffer the same affliction? How do you consider “everyday”? What I could do to not let me go? I come to the point where I tell myself that if I do not do something now, I will eventually dissolve in the big pile of nothing so-called "real life" in common language.

Thank you for your time.

cromartie2.jpg




Et en français :

Hello there,

J’ai découvert les travaux de LKJ depuis presque 7 ans. Depuis ce temps, j’ai participé à plusieurs forums, l’ancien onnouscachetout.com, le forum français SoTT et maintenant celui-ci. Ceci dit, « participer » est peut-être un mot un peu fort dans la mesure où, et c’est plus particulièrement vrai concernant le forum Cassiopaea anglais, j’apporte très rarement ma contribution, alors que tous les sujets abordés ici sont les seuls qui méritent vraiment de l’être. J’ai également fait brièvement partie de l’équipe de traduction française SoTT, mais ma motivation s’est rapidement détériorée. Pourquoi ?

Les anciens du forum francophone s’en souviennent peut-être : j’ai été victime d’attaques de panique il y a un peu plus d’un an. Ces attaques ont duré deux mois, le temps que j’arrête de prendre ce maudit Xanax et que je me décide à prendre les choses en main en faisant davantage attention à mon hygiène de vie et à ce que je mange. Mais je ne crois pas m’être complètement remis de ces deux mois cauchemardesques où tout était susceptible de me faire basculer au seuil de la folie. Je vois le Travail que j’ai accompli depuis ce temps et les connaissances que j’ai pu acquérir comme les seules choses qui m’ont empêché de devenir complètement fou.

Depuis ce temps, mon attention et ma motivation n’ont cessé de se dégrader : j’ai du mal à sortir de chez moi (surtout depuis que cette cochonnerie de gouvernement nous a interdit de fumer dans les bars), je ne joue plus de ma basse, j’ai arrêté d’écrire et la seule activité que j’envisage positivement se résume à dormir, pour faire passer le temps plus vite. Je continue malgré tout mes études, un peu comme un tribu que je paie à la 3 eme densité…

Je profite de ce petit moment où je suis moins profondément endormi que d’habitude pour écrire ce message. J’ai fait plusieurs recherches pour tenter de déterminer ce qui ne tournait pas rond chez moi, et il y a quelques jours la lecture d’un article traitant du trouble de la personnalité schizoïde m’a fait l’effet d’une bombe. « Bon sang, mais c’est moi ! » Ca m’a vraiment fait tout drôle de m’apercevoir que tous les éléments constituant ma personnalité pouvaient se résumer à une série pathologique de symptômes… Je n’ai pas l’impression pour autant de correspondre avec la personnalité schizoïde comme elle est décrite dans Ponérologie Politique, mais malgré tout, quelque chose ne tourne pas rond.

Est-ce que d’autres personnes ici souffrent ou pensent souffrir de la même affliction ? Comment envisagez-vous le quotidien ? Qu’est-ce que je pourrais faire pour ne plus me laisser aller ? J’en arrive au point où je me dis que si je ne fais pas quelque chose maintenant, je vais finir par me dissoudre dans le grand tas de rien qu’on appelle « la vraie vie » dans le langage courant.

Merci d’avoir pris le temps de me lire.
 
Dear Polonel,
I remember very well your panic attacks discussed in the french forum and how they were violent.
It seems that you identified this problem now because you know and you feel that there is a problem.
I am not into psychology but IMHO, you might seek for help from a psychologist, and try to force yourself to go out. You cannot smoke in the bars but youcan smoke outside and return back as everybody does. Try do your best to heal and not let you go.
Maybe some other members know better which kind of psychologist you might need...
 
Hi Polonel,

I think I know what you feel a little. I also carry some symptoms of schizoid personality disorder and I do not think you carry all of them. There could be traits that defines you for now, but do you really do not care about people's opinions or needs? I do not think so. I suppose you saw a few traits and relate it to your situation. You can get over those habits if you continue the Work. I did it myself. I used to try to impose my ideas to other people and get them to believe what I believe. I do not do that anymore because I realized it is unnecessary and everybody should follow the path they choose. As long as I remember myself and I do not identify myself with it, I do not have it.

So, the problem is, you are thinking like: "I am a schizoid, I carry some of the characteristics." You think this traits are your destiny or they are hereditary and can not be changed. This is simply not true. Even some hereditary disorders can be changed with proper work. I can count a few cellular mechanisms how it can be changed if you want. You should not think that you have to live like that. Those traits are not you, they are automatic behaviours. Only you can decide who you are. Here is one of my favorite quotes from C's:

Q: (L) Are we chosen?
A: What is chosen? Only you can choose. The choice comes by nature and free will and looking and listening. Where you are is not important. Who you are is and also what you see.

I also experience this "I do not want to do anything" feeling. The best cure I could find is that, do the opposite what this feeling tells you. If it says I want to sleep, then do not sleep. Of course I am talking about unnecessary sleep here, not normal one. Now, I had homeworks to do and papers to read but I did not do them yesterday. I read the papers this morning which was fun. I still do not want to do the homeworks but I will, because that feeling does not belong to me. It hinders my progress and I choose not to continue to feel that way.

As for panic attacks, I am not familiar with them. I hope you recover soon. BTW, this man in your post played in the 4400 didn't he? It was a good show from old days. Similar to C's ideas about time travel and sending a message to the past. 

I hope those help you. Take care.
 
Hi Polonel,

I remember very well your mentioning of your panick attacks on the French forum. IMO the fact that you're able to talk about it and describe it in a rational way suggests you're not "schizoid".
First, are you following the heavy metal/anti candida diet? A great part of our emotional/mental state seems to be linked to our eating habits. also, what's your blood type?
I remember a period where I more or less felt the same as you do (I had talked about it on the French forum, as a reply to your own post). Feelings of isolation (I remember back when I was a student, feeling depressed most of the time), lack of direction and goal, coupled with certains substances (not saying this is your case), contributed to that impression of "irreality" or of losing one's mind.
Maybe you could see a psychologist, as suggested by Mkrnhr, to talk about and explore these feelings. At the same time, you could impose youself some sort of discipline: even if you (= your predator) don't feel like it, set aims and goals for yourself: go outside, do translations for the French Sott website, blog, contribute here on this forum - even - and most especially - if you don't want / don't feel like it.

This extract from the Wave II might help you too:
The following excerpt shows us how "focusing" on the negative aspects can be as limiting as focusing on the positive. Once you know what the situation is, how it developed and came into being, you can then more easily control your own reaction to it.
07-23-95:
A: Perhaps one can solve the crises by focusing on other issues? You see, when you constrict the flow, you constrict the channel. And when you constrict the channel, you close down possibilities. And, you make it difficult, if not impossible for you to see that which is there. In other words, the obvious becomes oblivious because of constriction of the flow. This is why we have recommended against all rituals, because ritual restricts the flow, thereby restricting the possibilities. And, what you are describing is a situation of "dire straits," as you call it - and pressures of great magnitude - which is restricting you. But actually, it is your concentration on same that is restricting, not the situation itself. And we realize that it is difficult for you to focus your attentions, or, more importantly to open up the flow of the channel. But, it is certainly not impossible. Especially for an individual as strong as yourself. It is what you choose to do, not what you MUST do. It is what you CHOOSE to do.
A practical example of this is the well-known "PMS" syndrome. I had a friend who used to joke that "For years I suffered from PMS. Then I went through menopause. Now I realize I never had PMS. I'm just a natural -bee yatch-."

Well, that's pretty funny, but it emphasizes something important. Many women have remarked how much easier it is to control their PMS reactions KNOWING what is going on. Before the defining of this syndrome, many women suffered horribly at the hands of friends and family who thought they were crazy or just simply bad tempered. When you know it is the hormone mixture in your body affecting the permeability of cell membranes which affects the electrical balance or synaptic response, it is a LOT easier to say to yourself "This will pass. I am only seeing things through the distortion of hormonal influences." It is also a lot easier to concentrate on normalizing your actions and reactions when you KNOW you have to compensate for a physiological condition.

The same is true in terms of psychic attack - whether it comes from 3rd, 4th or 5th density sources. Once you know how these things work, when it happens to you, you are AWARE, and thus able to withstand the assault and put your attention where it belongs - on continuing to operate in a stable and clear-headed way - which you NOW KNOW is going to require extra exertion on your part - so that the attack passes much more quickly and with less damage.

If, for example, an individual is under "attack" from a purely 3rd density source - say, an ELF transmitter is nearby causing severe fluctuations in their physiological system which then leads to internal sensations and perceptions that are distorted. So, they go to church and pray or get out the sage and light it up and wave it around. This may or MAY NOT have an effect. If, on the other hand, they become aware of the ELF transmitter, or the POSSIBILITY that it could be of such a nature, then their knowledge, combined with practice might have better results.

Take care, et tiens-nous au courant !
 
Prayers for rain said:
Hi Polonel,

First, are you following the heavy metal/anti candida diet? A great part of our emotional/mental state seems to be linked to our eating habits. also, what's your blood type?
I remember a period where I more or less felt the same as you do (I had talked about it on the French forum, as a reply to your own post). Feelings of isolation (I remember back when I was a student, feeling depressed most of the time), lack of direction and goal, coupled with certains substances (not saying this is your case), contributed to that impression of "irreality" or of losing one's mind.

Hi Polonel,

I agree with Prayers for rain, a great part of our emotional/mental state seems to be linked to our eating habits. Moreover, we have quite a lot of toxins in us which are very harmful and prevent our body to work properly. We must get rid of those toxins.

Have a look at that thread

http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=11672.msg84418#msg84418

and if it is possible for you, read the book.

I have begun to read it this week and it is amazing to see what toxins and imbalance systems (lack of vitamins, minerals, amino acid) can do.

Dr Hyman give in his book a six weeks diet program to help to balance each systems.

Keep us inform.
 
A couple of months ago I felt just as you did, though I've never had panic attacks. I must say the very passage quoted by Prayers for rain was very helpful when I read it back then, as I was identifying very strongly with not-achieving as well as my own set of pathologies. I think one begins to reach a better point when they decide to write a post about their feelings, even while feeling low on energy. Atleast for me, after that I began to feel a lot better once I first of all formulated the situation in my head and put it into words. I didn't even post those thoughts after all, just writing them down as I thought I would post them helped me to see how everything in my past applied to something other (through what could be called recapitulation).

Also, it's very good to get more familiar with dietary things. I've never been one to really care about what I eat and so it has been a good practice to sift through items for those that I can eat safely. I took one intentional mistep once and it proved just so de-energizing that I decided to never take it again. So even a little bit helps in that area.

FWIW.
 
Smallwood said:
A couple of months ago I felt just as you did, though I've never had panic attacks. I must say the very passage quoted by Prayers for rain was very helpful when I read it back then, as I was identifying very strongly with not-achieving as well as my own set of pathologies. I think one begins to reach a better point when they decide to write a post about their feelings, even while feeling low on energy. Atleast for me, after that I began to feel a lot better once I first of all formulated the situation in my head and put it into words. I didn't even post those thoughts after all, just writing them down as I thought I would post them helped me to see how everything in my past applied to something other (through what could be called recapitulation).

I agree with Smallwood here. I too had a bad patch a couple of months ago, which did involve some type of panic attack, and somehow, it lead me to start a proper diary/journal. I found that helped me out a lot; I'd ask myself questions and just write, and it helped me to sort out a lot of things going on inside me.
 
Hi Polonel,
I am not trying to downplay what you are experiencing, I am sure it is very painful- but I just had a thought: We are all schizoid to greater or lesser extent until we fuse all our little I's. Some people deal with it better then other. And some people go through life completely oblivious to this fact.
IMO PFR is quite right - the fact that you are addressing this in a rational way possibly indicates that it is very unlikely you are indeed suffering from clinical schizoid personality disorder.

I am not a french speaker and I don't know all the details of your ordeal but what you wrote here about your current state sounds more like severe depression caused by lack of aim and it is nice sinchronicity that this is being discussed today on other thread. So maybe its time to lose sight of bigger picture and focus on baby steps, or so I think.

Also don't forget the thread - depression as the stepping stone.
 
Polonel said:
Hello there,

I discovered the LKJ’s work for almost 7 years. Since that time, I participated in several forums, the former onnouscachetout.com, the French SoTT forum and now this one.

Hi Polonel,

I remember your posts very well and I enjoyed them (at this time my nickname was Axel Dunor).

In addition to the valuable advises that were already given (particularly the ones relating to diet), you might be interested in the recommended psychology readings. It might help to understand your current psychological mechanism and how your childhood/parents conditioned them.

By the way one of those book is available in French : "L'avenir du drame de l'enfant doué" by Alice Miller.

I'm glad you're back.
 
Thanks, all of you. Having written this first message already helped me to see clearer, and your answers are very valuable advices.

Strangely, I do not feel "motivated" at all to write this current message, I feel a crowd rush in me, telling me to go to sleep right away, and see it all tomorrow. But this is my first goal: do more in this group, since it is now certain that we can't go trough this journey alone.

Prayers for rain said:
First, are you following the heavy metal/anti candida diet? A great part of our emotional/mental state seems to be linked to our eating habits. also, what's your blood type?
Not yet, and I'll study the huge candida/detox thread to learn what can I do about it. By the way, my blood type is A+.

See you soon !
 
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