chapter 10
REDEFINING THE TERMS OF ENGAGEMENT
The most fundamental rule of human engagement is that the aggressor sets the rules. This is because once attacked, weakened in position, or emotionally on the run, any victim of aggression (including covert-aggression) is always scrambling to establish a more favorable balance of power. So, it appears that any person willing to launch the “first strike” has already defined the initial terms of engagement.
It's impossible to deal effectively with anybody when you start out in a one-down position. So, if you want to avoid being victimized by covert-aggression, or any aggression for that matter, you must move quickly to re-define the terms of engagement. There are several things a person must do to ensure that the frequent contests of life are played on a level field. To guard against victimization, you must: be free of potentially harmful misconceptions about human nature and behavior; know how to correctly assess the character of others; have high self-awareness, especially regarding those aspects of your own character that might increase your vulnerability to manipulation; recognize and correctly label the tactics of manipulation and respond to them appropriately; and avoid fighting losing battles. Observing these guidelines will help anyone maintain a position of power and strength in interpersonal relationships regardless of the power tactics an aggressive or covertly aggressive person might use.
Letting Go of Harmful Misconceptions
Covertly aggressive people are generally so good at their craft they don't need our help in pulling the wool over our eyes. But as mentioned several times before, many of our more traditional notions about human nature set us up to be manipulated and exploited. One very significant misconception is the belief that everyone is basically the same. This misconception is common because of the influence of traditional theories [of neurosis] and their premise that everyone is to some degree neurotic. So, it's extremely important to remember that disordered characters are very different from the average, functional, neurotic. As previously mentioned, they don't act the same way, and, as years of research has confirmed, they don't even think the same way. Aggressive personalities are also very different from most other personality types. They don't share the same world-view or code of conduct. They're also not influenced or motivated by the same things. In fact, much of what we've been taught about why and how most people behave simply doesn't apply to aggressive personalities.
Becoming a Better Judge of Character
Anyone wanting to reliably avoid victimization needs to identify the people in their life with aggressive and covertly aggressive personality traits. Now, it's not necessary to perform a sophisticated clinical analysis in order to get a feel for someone's basic character. In the parable from which the title of this book is taken, Jesus says “by their fruits you shall know them” (or, “if it walks and talks like a duck,..”) The manner by which they habitually interact with others defines aggressive and covert-aggressive personalities. So, if you're dealing with a person who always pushes to have their way, who always has to “win,” always wants the upper hand, won't take “no” for an answer, etc., you can safely assume that you're dealing with a predominantly aggressive personality. If you're dealing with a person who rarely gives you a straight answer to a straight question, is always making excuses for doing hurtful things, tries to make you feel guilty, or uses any of the other tactics to throw you on the defensive and get their way, you can assume you're dealing with a person who — no matter what else he may be — is covertly aggressive.
Knowing Yourself Better
Any manipulator's real leverage is in knowing the character of his victim well enough to know how that person will likely respond to the tactics he uses. He may know the victim will give him the benefit of the doubt, buy his excuses, be hesitant to ascribe evil intention, etc. He may know how conscientious the individual is and how effective shame and guilt will be in getting him or her to back down. Manipulators generally take the time to scope out the characteristics and weaknesses of their victims.
If manipulators gain leverage by what they know about you, it only stands to reason that the more you know about yourself and the more you work to overcome your own vulnerabilities, the more leverage you gain in your dealings with them. When examining your own character, here are some important things to look for:
1. NAIVETÉ. You may be one of those individuals who finds it too hard to accept the notion that there really are people as cunning, devious, and ruthless as your gut tells you the manipulator in your life is. That is, you may even be prone to engage in “neurotic” denial. If you are, even when you're confronted with abundant evidence you're dealing with a ruthless conniver, you may refuse to believe it, reluctantly accepting reality only after being victimized too often.
2. OVER-CONSCIENTIOUSNESS. Ask yourself if you're one of those people who is much harder on themselves that anybody else. You might be the kind of person who is too willing to give a would-be manipulator the benefit of the doubt. When they do something to hurt you, you may be too ready to see their side of things and too willing to blame yourself when they go on the attack and throw you on the defensive.
3. LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE. You may be one of those persons who is overly self-doubting, or chronically unsure of your right to pursue your legitimate wants and needs. You may lack confidence about your ability to face conflicts directly and resolve them effectively. If so, you're likely to quit asserting yourself prematurely and also likely to go on the defensive too easily when challenged by an aggressive personality.
4. OVER-INTELLECTUALIZATION. You may be one of those persons who tries too hard to understand. If you're also one who assumes that people only do hurtful things when there's some legitimate, understandable reason, you might delude yourself into believing that uncovering and understanding all the reasons for your manipulator's behavior will be sufficient to make things different. Sometimes, by being overly focused on the possible reasons for a behavior, you may inadvertently excuse it. Other times, you might get so wrapped-up in trying to understand what's going on that you forget that someone is merely fighting to gain advantage over you and that you should be devoting your time and energy to taking necessary steps to protect and empower yourself. If you over-intellectualize, you'll likely have trouble accepting the simple philosophy that there are people in this world who fight too much, fight underhandedly, and for no other purpose than to get what they want.
5. EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY. You may have submissive personality characteristics rooted in deep fears of independence and autonomy. If so, you might be attracted to the more confident-appearing, independent, aggressive personalities in the first place. After becoming involved in a relationship with them, you may also tend to let such people run over you out of fear that if you stand up to them you may be “abandoned” altogether. The more emotionally dependent you are on someone, the more vulnerable you are to being exploited and manipulated by them. Even if you're not in some kind of relationship with a manipulator, recognizing and working to overcome any of the aforementioned character defects is a worthwhile enterprise. But if you are in a relationship with a manipulative person, not doing so places you at high risk for victimization.
Knowing What To Expect and What To Do
You can expect manipulators to throw at you whatever it takes to gain advantage over you. Know all of the tactics by heart. Watch and listen carefully. Listen for not necessarily to what your manipulator says. Be constantly on the lookout for tactics. Label the tactics immediately when you detect them. Regardless of the kinds of tactics a manipulator is using, remember this fundamental rule: Don't be swayed by the tactics themselves. Reinforce the idea in your mind that the manipulator is merely fighting for something. Then, respond solely on the basis of what you legitimately want or need. Don't react instinctively and defensively to what they're doing. Take your own independent, assertive stand.
A mother recently told me how much a fool she felt after her son manipulated her into backing down on some consequences she set for his irresponsible behavior in school. When he said “I just can't take it anymore” and “Maybe, I should just go away” (playing the victim role, making a veiled threat), she said to herself: “He's hurting worse than I thought. Maybe I'm making his problems worse. Am I the bad guy? Maybe I need to back off.” She didn't think: “He's fighting with me now to keep his freedom. He's pretending to be the one being hurt and trying to frighten me.”
Avoiding Fighting Losing Battles
People who are frequently victimized by manipulators tend to be too confused, frustrated and depressed to think clearly or act rationally. The depression they experience results from the same behavior that I believe is a significant factor in most depressions. That is, whenever we persist at fighting a battle we can't possibly win, a sense of powerlessness and hopelessness ensues that eventually results in depression. The “losing battle” manipulation victims often fight is trying to make the manipulator change. They get caught in the trap of constantly trying to figure out just what to say or do to get their manipulator to behave differently. They invest considerable energy trying to make something happen that they haven't the power to make happen. Fighting this losing battle inevitably breeds anger, frustration, a sense of helplessness, and eventually, depression. Once depressed, manipulation victims don't have the presence of mind or the energy it takes to stand up for themselves.
Put Your Energy Where the Power Is
Making headway in conflicts with aggressive and covertly aggressive personalities (or, for that matter, any personality) can only happen when you're willing to invest your time and energy where you have unquestionable power: your own behavior. Besides, investing yourself in something in which you will necessarily experience success is exhilarating and confidence-building. The more confident and energized you are, the better your chances for achieving success in dealing with the problems at hand.
It's hard for some people to accept the notion that they must take on the burden of changing their own behavior in order to improve their relationship with a manipulator. Generally speaking, people who've suffered a great deal at the hands of a covertly aggressive person are emotionally drained and have a lot of anger toward their manipulator. They don't relish the thought that it's they themselves who have to change. They want the manipulator to work for a change and they want them to “pay” for their misbehavior. Only when they begin to experience the first small victories that come from conducting themselves in more effective ways, do they begin to value the principle of investing themselves in the only arena in which they have absolute power — their own behavior.
Conducting oneself in relationships with covertly-aggressive people is never easy business. But there are some general rules that, if followed, can make life with them a whole lot easier. I call them tools of personal empowerment because they can help anybody maintain a position of greater strength in their interpersonal relationships. They are:
ACCEPT NO EXCUSES. Don't buy into any of the many reasons (rationalizations) someone may offer for aggressive, covertly aggressive behavior, or any other inappropriate behavior. If someone's behavior is wrong or harmful, the rationale they offer is totally irrelevant. The ends never justify the means. So, no matter how much an “explanation” for a problem behavior seems to make sense, don't accept it. Remember that the person offering an excuse is trying to maintain a position from which they should be backing away. From the very moment they start “explaining,” they are resisting submission to the principle of civil conduct and trying to get you to cave in to their point of view. And because they are resisting submission to the principle, you can be certain they will engage in the problem behavior again.
Once you stop accepting excuses, you'll be better able to confront inappropriate behavior directly and label it for what it is. Let the manipulator know that although you respect his right to fight hard to convince you that you should condone their actions, you will not accept or be influenced by any excuses they offer. This will help you send a clear message that you won't tolerate the behavior in question.
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JUDGE ACTIONS, NOT INTENTIONS. Never try to “mind-read” or second-guess why somebody is doing something, especially when they're doing something hurtful. There's no way for you to really know, and in the end, it's irrelevant. Getting caught up in what might be going on in an aggressor's mind is a good way to get sidetracked from the really pertinent issue. Judge the behavior itself. If what a person does is harmful in some way, pay attention to and deal with that issue.
The importance of this principle can't be overstated. Remember, the tactics covert-aggressives use are effective tools of impression-management. They keep you second-guessing yourself about the true nature of the person you're dealing with. So, if you base your opinions on your assumptions about intentions or are swayed by the various tactics, you're going to be deceived about the character of the person with whom you're dealing. Behavior patterns alone provide the information you need to make sound judgments about character. And past behavior is the single most reliable predictor of future behavior.
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SET PERSONAL LIMITS. Becoming more empowered in interpersonal interactions necessarily involves setting two kinds of limits on behavior. First, you must decide what kinds of behavior you'll tolerate from another before taking some counter-action or deciding to disengage. Second, you must decide what action you're both willing and able to take in order to take better care of yourself.
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MAKE DIRECT REQUESTS. When asking for things, be clear about what you want. Use “I” statements. Avoid generalities. Be specific about what it is you dislike, expect, or want from the other person. Use phrases like: “I want you to…” or “I don't want you to… anymore.”
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ACCEPT ONLY DIRECT RESPONSES. Once you've made a clear, direct request, insist on a clear, direct answer. Whenever you don't get one, ask again. Don't do this in a hostile or threatening way, but respectfully assert the issue you raised is important and deserves to be forthrightly addressed.
STAY FOCUSED AND IN THE HERE AND NOW. Focus on the issues at hand. Your manipulator will probably try to throw you off track with diversionary and evasion tactics. Don't let those tactics steer you away from the problem behavior you're trying to confront. You must make the effort to stay focused, regardless of the tactics thrown at you.
Don't bring up past issues or speculate about the future. Stay in the here and now. This is very important. No change takes place unless it takes place in the moment. Even if some change does take place, it may not last very long because old habits are hard to break. Stay focused on just what you want your aggressor to do differently at that very moment and don't let any diversionary tactics take you to another time and place.
WHEN CONFRONTING AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR, KEEP THE WEIGHT OF RESPONSIBILITY ON THE AGGRESSOR. This may be the most important thing to remember. If you're confronting an aggressor (or any disordered character, for that matter) about some inappropriate behavior, keep the focus on whatever they did to injure, no matter what tactics they might use to throw the ball back into your court. Don't accept their attempts to shift blame or responsibility. Keep asking what they will do to correct their behavior. Ignore whatever rationalizations they might make and don't let them sidestep the issue. When someone is in the wrong, the burden for change must be on them. This can be done without subtle shaming, hostility, or provocation on your part. Just keep the focus on the behavior the other person needs to change.
WHEN YOU CONFRONT, AVOID SARCASM, HOSTILITY, AND PUT-DOWNS. Aggressive personalities are always looking for an excuse to go to war. So, they will construe any sort of hostility as an “attack” and feel justified in launching an offensive. Besides, attacking their character “invites” them to use their favorite offensive tactics such as denial, selective inattention or blaming others. Don't back away from necessary confrontation, but be sure to confront in a manner that is up-front, yet non-aggressive. Focus only on the inappropriate behavior of the aggressor. Confronting without maligning or denigrating is not only an art but also a necessary skill in dealing effectively with manipulators.
AVOID MAKING THREATS. Making threats is always an attempt to manipulate others into changing their behavior while avoiding making assertive changes for oneself. Never threaten. Just take action. Be careful not to counter-aggress. Just do what you really need to protect yourself and secure your own needs.
TAKE ACTION QUICKLY. A train without brakes rolling down a mountainside is easiest to stop when it just begins to roll. Once it gains momentum, it's too late to take effective action. A similar metaphor applies to aggressive personalities. They lack internal “brakes.” Once they're in hot pursuit of their goals, it's hard to stop them. If you're going to successfully engage them, get a word in edgewise, or make any impact, then you need to act at the first sign that they're on the march. The minute you become aware that a tactic is being employed, be ready to confront it and respond to it. Move quickly to remove yourself from a one-down position and establish a more favorable balance of power. You'll have a better chance of not being run over and will send your manipulator the message that you are a force to contend.
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF. Use “I” statements and don't presume to speak for anyone else. Besides, using others as a “shield” broadcasts your insecurity. Deal with your “opponent” on a one-to-one basis. Have the courage to stand up for what you want openly and directly.
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MAKE REASONABLE AGREEMENTS. Make agreements that are appropriate, reliable, verifiable, and enforceable. Be as prepared to honor your end of the contract as you expect the person you're bargaining with to honor theirs. Be sure you don't make promises you can't keep and don't ask for something you know you're not likely to get or can't be sure your manipulator won't cheat you out of getting.
When you bargain with any aggressive personality, try to propose as many win-win scenarios as you can. Doing this is extremely important and requires creativity and a particular mind set. But in my experience, it's perhaps the single most effective personal empowerment tool because it puts to constructive use the aggressive personality's determination to win. From an aggressor's point of view, there are only four types of encounters that they can have with you. The first is they win, you lose. This is the scenario they most relish. The second is you win, they lose. This is the situation they find most abhorrent and will fight you the hardest to prevent. The third situation is they lose, you lose, too. Aggressive personalities so detest losing, that if it's apparent they have to lose, they'll often do their best to see that you lose, too. As morbid as it is, this is essentially the scene that all too often plays out in the extremely conflicted relationships that end in murder-suicide. The fourth scenario is they win, you win, too. This is not as desirable a situation for the aggressor as the “they win, you lose” circumstance, but it's a highly tolerable second best choice.
Remember that an aggressive personality will do almost anything to avoid losing. So, once you've defined some terms and conditions by which the aggressor can have at least something they want, you're half way home. Seeking out and proposing as many ways as possible for both of you to get something out of doing things differently opens the door to a much less conflicted relationship with both aggressive and covert-aggressive personalities.
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BE PREPARED FOR CONSEQUENCES. Always remain aware of the covert-aggressive's determination to be the victor. This means that if, for any reason, they feel defeated, they're likely to try anything in order to regain the upper hand and a sense of vindication. It's important to be prepared for this possibility and to take appropriate action to protect yourself.
One way to prepare for consequences is to anticipate them (and sometimes to even predict them). Make a reasonable assessment of what the covert-aggressive could and might do. [...] Another way to prepare for consequences is to secure a strong support system. [...]
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Know and “own” your own agendas. Be sure of what your real needs and desires in any situation are. It's bad enough that you can never be sure what a manipulator is up to. But deceiving yourself about your own wants and needs can really put you in double jeopardy.
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Empowered Living
Even if you understand and follow all of the rules for more effectively engaging manipulators, life with them is not likely to be easy. However, life with them can be more tolerable, and you can lessen your chances of being victimized, if you keep your awareness high about what they are really like, what to expect from them, and how to empower yourself. [...]
