F
forge
Guest
mirror please
I am inadequate. Slow. Lack 10 years of work-experience, i have only 1,5. Others have 10+ years of experience in creating shape, form, paint it, think of Gadgets, Maquettes but virtual versions for computer games. My colleagues had time to adapt, drill, make the creative process seem easy. Brain-work married with art, i see others having their genetic talent expressed here. I'm trying to be adequate with only learned skills, art is not wired into me genetically, just a recognized opportunity, a good money-raiser. Needs no office environment, no inconvenient suits or ties, just pure hard work, appreciation based on quality of delivered product. It's almost like Olympics, where your record speaks for itself.
I'm a writer or at least have genetic talent, untrained, can easily create poems, rhymes, short stories of any kind, create new words, have language skills, latin & english & german comes to me easily, it's in my blood. In fact i felt a deep longing pain and nostalgia when father Malachi said one sentence in ancient Aramaic on the radio: noting he and his scientist friends doesn't really know how that language is spoken anymore, his pronunciation was only a guess, but it effected a welling up of strong nostalgia, a longing pain for the past deeply buried in my heart.
Frankly when i think about this, the need of posting it, releases such an anger that i want to scream on the top of my voice.
I am inadequate. Slow. Lack 10 years of work-experience, i have only 1,5. Others have 10+ years of experience in creating shape, form, paint it, think of Gadgets, Maquettes but virtual versions for computer games. My colleagues had time to adapt, drill, make the creative process seem easy. Brain-work married with art, i see others having their genetic talent expressed here. I'm trying to be adequate with only learned skills, art is not wired into me genetically, just a recognized opportunity, a good money-raiser. Needs no office environment, no inconvenient suits or ties, just pure hard work, appreciation based on quality of delivered product. It's almost like Olympics, where your record speaks for itself.
I'm a writer or at least have genetic talent, untrained, can easily create poems, rhymes, short stories of any kind, create new words, have language skills, latin & english & german comes to me easily, it's in my blood. In fact i felt a deep longing pain and nostalgia when father Malachi said one sentence in ancient Aramaic on the radio: noting he and his scientist friends doesn't really know how that language is spoken anymore, his pronunciation was only a guess, but it effected a welling up of strong nostalgia, a longing pain for the past deeply buried in my heart.
In my unrealistic imaginations i placed inadequate amount of hope, only to smash my nose into the concrete of Life.PepperFritz said:* When in your life did you place a great deal of hope and faith in something, or someone, only to have the rug pulled out from under you, causing you great "despair"?
My mother. My father. Only Grandmother was a real parent, whom i neglected, ignored my whole life, now that she is dead, it's such a fury and anguish knowing that going back into the past with this information to when i was seven, and consciously build a co-working relationship with her what powerful Life 'could have' that effected! So here is the answer in PepperFritz's question:PepperFritz said:* Who in your life used to "build up your hopes" and then time after time fail to follow through, leaving you feeling devastated?
PepperFritz said:Are you still angry at yourself that you did that, are you not able to forgive yourself for having been "sucked in"?
My mind shuts down from anger, it feels i will go mad with pain when i try to do that. Don't know how, anyway?.. :(PepperFritz said:An honest attempt to answer such questions should lead you to the genuine "emotion" behind your mechanical response to "wishful thinkers", to the program that kicks in whenever you deal with them. As you feel that emotion rise up in your throat, try to resist the temptation to suppress or dampen it, follow it to where it leads....
Well, that's why i made this post. I realize, this is sucking energy out of me, holding me back to not be 100% efficient, i would like to know how to get rid of this feeling of inadequacy.PepperFritz said:It's not a question of "stopping" yourself through sheer exertion of will. It's a question of trying to objectively observe your own behaviour, and thus gain insight into its origin, thus robbing it of the "power" it holds over you.inti said:...in this situation I find it hard to stop myself from feeling frustrated.
All right, it's deeply personal and frankly i can't have a hold on it. I will try to digest this.PepperFritz said:Once you realize that you are simply projecting your own suppressed and/or unresolved emotions about something deeply PERSONAL in your own life, and that the "wishful thinkers" are just the "triggers" that set it off, you won't have to "stop" yourself; the objective, conscious knowledge you have gained about your own behaviour makes such automatic, mechanical, unconscious responses less likely to "run amok" without your "catching it"....
Frankly when i think about this, the need of posting it, releases such an anger that i want to scream on the top of my voice.