inadequacy

[forge]

mirror please

I am inadequate. Slow. Lack 10 years of work-experience, i have only 1,5. Others have 10+ years of experience in creating shape, form, paint it, think of Gadgets, Maquettes but virtual versions for computer games. My colleagues had time to adapt, drill, make the creative process seem easy. Brain-work married with art, i see others having their genetic talent expressed here. I'm trying to be adequate with only learned skills, art is not wired into me genetically, just a recognized opportunity, a good money-raiser. Needs no office environment, no inconvenient suits or ties, just pure hard work, appreciation based on quality of delivered product. It's almost like Olympics, where your record speaks for itself.

I'm a writer or at least have genetic talent, untrained, can easily create poems, rhymes, short stories of any kind, create new words, have language skills, latin & english & german comes to me easily, it's in my blood. In fact i felt a deep longing pain and nostalgia when father Malachi said one sentence in ancient Aramaic on the radio: noting he and his scientist friends doesn't really know how that language is spoken anymore, his pronunciation was only a guess, but it effected a welling up of strong nostalgia, a longing pain for the past deeply buried in my heart.

* When in your life did you place a great deal of hope and faith in something, or someone, only to have the rug pulled out from under you, causing you great "despair"?

In my unrealistic imaginations i placed inadequate amount of hope, only to smash my nose into the concrete of Life.

* Who in your life used to "build up your hopes" and then time after time fail to follow through, leaving you feeling devastated?

My mother. My father. Only Grandmother was a real parent, whom i neglected, ignored my whole life, now that she is dead, it's such a fury and anguish knowing that going back into the past with this information to when i was seven, and consciously build a co-working relationship with her what powerful Life 'could have' that effected! So here is the answer in PepperFritz's question:

Are you still angry at yourself that you did that, are you not able to forgive yourself for having been "sucked in"?

An honest attempt to answer such questions should lead you to the genuine "emotion" behind your mechanical response to "wishful thinkers", to the program that kicks in whenever you deal with them. As you feel that emotion rise up in your throat, try to resist the temptation to suppress or dampen it, follow it to where it leads....

My mind shuts down from anger, it feels i will go mad with pain when i try to do that. Don't know how, anyway?.. :(

...in this situation I find it hard to stop myself from feeling frustrated.

It's not a question of "stopping" yourself through sheer exertion of will. It's a question of trying to objectively observe your own behaviour, and thus gain insight into its origin, thus robbing it of the "power" it holds over you.

Well, that's why i made this post. I realize, this is sucking energy out of me, holding me back to not be 100% efficient, i would like to know how to get rid of this feeling of inadequacy.

Once you realize that you are simply projecting your own suppressed and/or unresolved emotions about something deeply PERSONAL in your own life, and that the "wishful thinkers" are just the "triggers" that set it off, you won't have to "stop" yourself; the objective, conscious knowledge you have gained about your own behaviour makes such automatic, mechanical, unconscious responses less likely to "run amok" without your "catching it"....

All right, it's deeply personal and frankly i can't have a hold on it. I will try to digest this.

Frankly when i think about this, the need of posting it, releases such an anger that i want to scream on the top of my voice.

 

[Laura]

A lot of what you are feeling, though it is anchored to events in this life, could be carried over from past lives as well. Always keep that in mind; especially if the anger seems out of proportion to the events. It can also be related to events in infancy where the narcissistic infant was frustrated and had no voice, no outlet.

It sounds to me like EE has brought you to the threshold and something is going to happen soon to release and heal. For the moment, you might want to just do the pipe breathing and the meditation and leave off the bioenergetic breathing. When the release comes, if it comes as a flood of tears, just go with it. Try to find a quiet place where you can be alone and cry until you are cried out. Try to pay attention to your thoughts as you cry... what images come? memories? etc. And, if possible, journal it.

Hang in there; this, too, will pass.

 

[aragorn]

But you are here, aren't you?

This was just a thought that came to mind when reading your post. The thought of have "found" this forum and at least beginning some sort of work on my self has brought joy in my recent times of despair. I'll quote here something that Buddy's answered me in a recent thread where I was complaining about my misery. I found it very valuable:

I think things will look differently if, instead of spending much time on seeing what you "ain't", spend as much or more time noticing how much you've learned and how to share that with the network.

As many here have said, we all here are a part of the puzzle, we are all needed. In some way or other. Hang in there, your "slot" will clear up soon. Still searching for mine too... ;)

 

[Gawan]

Hey forge.

Frankly when i think about this, the need of posting it, releases such an anger that i want to scream on the top of my voice.

Is there a place where you could do this: to scream? And if not, what about -writing creatively- down your pain? To use this energy.
It helped me alot in my past.

I think things will look differently if, instead of spending much time on seeing what you "ain't", spend as much or more time noticing how much you've learned and how to share that with the network.

As many here have said, we all here are a part of the puzzle, we are all needed. In some way or other. Hang in there, your "slot" will clear up soon. Still searching for mine too... ;)

I think that's really a great statment. Faith is needed in the universe and as well in yourself forge.

Hang on!

 

[Buddy]

mirror please
{...}


i would like to know how to get rid of this feeling of inadequacy.

Hi forge. My 2 cents would be this: along with staying on track with the EE, if you're going to be spending so much time in introspection over this, then at least try and find answers to some specific questions; i.e.,

Inadequate all the time, everywhere, in all respects, under all conditions, from all points of view? Surely not.

This is an aspect of our two-valued culture, not of our essense. We already know that every 'thing' is relative to something else...especially "truth", don't we? :)

 

[Ollie]

But you are here, aren't you?

This was just a thought that came to mind when reading your post. The thought of have "found" this forum and at least beginning some sort of work on my self has brought joy in my recent times of despair. I'll quote here something that Buddy's answered me in a recent thread where I was complaining about my misery. I found it very valuable:

I think things will look differently if, instead of spending much time on seeing what you "ain't", spend as much or more time noticing how much you've learned and how to share that with the network.

As many here have said, we all here are a part of the puzzle, we are all needed. In some way or other. Hang in there, your "slot" will clear up soon. Still searching for mine too...

Hi forge, I concur with the above quotes, remember that by posting here you may be helping others (STO) without knowing it, providing either insights or valuable contributions. I have found your posts helpful to me, as well as your comments on my posts, and, I'm still searching for my "slot" too.

As Aragorn says, we are all 'part of the puzzle, we are all needed. In some way or another. Hang in there ...'

Have faith in your-self, forge, to get you through.

 

[forge]

Anguish, slipping over on ice all the time

Thank You All for your posts. Looks like another one and a half month hard time-period. There are good ideas what to try, feels i'm starting to walk, heeding the warnings, but then slip on the ice, falling over. Frustrated, because i want to progress.

I assumed that doing the Work is logical: see my errors make the efforts to correct them, Voila! Reading the comments, understanding esoteric material is not enough. This is hard. Fighting, losing, getting angry about loosing, re-reading relevant esoteric material, fighting, losing, getting angry about it again, repeat ad infinitum then getting annoyed about the 'repeats ad infinitum'. Also i got angry about everything that i not viewed as progress.

Recently i found moments when i could review objectively (i hope) what the heck i have done in the last 4 years?! My papers, bills, invoices reflect an unreal past. Still there were good decisions. Like buying this computer, i have excellent opportunity to do quality work on. Buying the pressure cooker Laura advised, buying lots of brown rice. I angrily weighed positive and negative past decisions. Fuming around, getting annoyed, because i couldn't yet release this anguish.

One thing stands out however as angrily positive. Raw brain processing power again. It's as if this inadequacy is slowly getting transformed into potency. I looked at my latest work and noticed i didn't sucked so hard, actually was starting to look okay and the time spent with it wasn't much. Also started having intellectual hunger. Planned to read very little in the morning, devoured thrice the amount of material instead. Reading Ponerology last year was not easy, i had to exercise mental muscles, i wished there were another book so hard to read. When i heard about Dabrowski and read excerpts from Positive Disintegration, i started yearning it so bad, but i must make the money first, to purchase it.

I realized that finding Laura's Work, following up the research, trying out and using the excellent findings, ideas, advices was the most positive and rewarding family experience in my life.

I have to release this anguish as was advised.

 

[Buddy]

Looks like another one and a half month hard time-period. There are good ideas what to try, feels i'm starting to walk...

but then slip on the ice, falling over. Frustrated, because i want to progress.

Recently i found moments when i could review objectively (i hope) what the heck i have done in the last 4 years?! My papers, bills, invoices reflect an unreal past. Still there were good decisions. Like buying this computer, i have excellent opportunity to do quality work on. Buying the pressure cooker Laura advised, buying lots of brown rice.

One thing stands out however as angrily positive. Raw brain processing power again. It's as if this inadequacy is slowly getting transformed into potency. I looked at my latest work and noticed i didn't sucked so hard, actually was starting to look okay and the time spent with it wasn't much. Also started having intellectual hunger. Planned to read very little in the morning, devoured thrice the amount of material instead. Reading Ponerology last year was not easy, i had to exercise mental muscles, i wished there were another book so hard to read. When i heard about Dabrowski and read excerpts from Positive Disintegration, i started yearning it so bad, but i must make the money first, to purchase it.

I realized that finding Laura's Work, following up the research, trying out and using the excellent findings, ideas, advices was the most positive and rewarding family experience in my life.

 

[forge]

I shamefully hid behind "experiencing" the Eiriu Eolas exercises so far, i must admit. Not that i had much energy to do more, because creative energy has a limited supply, i'm using it up by writing colorful comical articles to entertain people - direct fuel burner - and using it up for doing creative brainwork [computer graphics], where inspiration and an appropriate mind setting is required so i can think and "have my mind in the scene" as Hollywood actor Christian Bale said in his famous outburst. (Wholly justified, i think, seeing how weak the director performed on that film.) When i try to use too much creative energy, it just dries up. 'Out of fuel' feels like i'm a brain-dead zombie, devoid of feelings, incapable of creativity, kind of like dying the little death of a dried up leaf in autumn.

I can do very hard work when i find a job. Multiple times i proved that to others - who congratulated - and to myself. The latest job required fastening hardly bendable light cables on metal frames and i did it like a wounded narcissist child shutting out pain. I was commended for my good work. It just i ignored physical limitations of my body and got a thumb joint strain or something. Two weeks after still hurts like hell in the morning and my thumb can't hold itself, feels like it bends outward, where it shouldn't then hurts like hell. I'm a 'sportsman' so i know this must be those long-healing tendon or muscle or joint injuries, hopefully. Doesn't hinder my daily activities it just doesn't work in the direction of: "when i try to pull the bed-cloth on my shoulder".

I had to admit there are physical body limits after all those ignorant "you don't feel pain"-programs.

I have to admit being a do-little and a drifter here on the forum. There is too much precious creative energy wasted in our jobs. We could make wonders with that physical and mental capacity and effort HERE!! :( I'm worried what will happen when i'll get a Work-killer job, because then coming home deadly tired in the evening i won't have energy - or rather the soul-strength - to read posts and post here. The only hope i see will be different this time that i gathered some experience on my field and maybe i will be able to achieve at workplace without spending too much energy.

Earlier all my energy was used up in the job, covering for, substituting for my inexperience. There is one X-factor an effort i cannot speak about here, which also could change few things. So it feels i own a great thanks to this forum, to Laura, to Anart, to the moderators here for doing a great job and maybe i'll be able to make up for Your effort.

Thank You!

 

[Beau]

I shamefully hid behind "experiencing" the Eiriu Eolas exercises so far, i must admit. Not that i had much energy to do more, because creative energy has a limited supply, i'm using it up by writing colorful comical articles to entertain people - direct fuel burner - and using it up for doing creative brainwork [computer graphics], where inspiration and an appropriate mind setting is required so i can think and "have my mind in the scene" as Hollywood actor Christian Bale said in his famous outburst. (Wholly justified, i think, seeing how weak the director performed on that film.)

Well, I would have to totally disagree with you that Bale's outburst was "totally justified". I would say that it was totally out of line and that no person should ever talk to another person that way. The performance of the director on the film really has nothing to do with it. It was completely unprofessional and revealed more about Bale's character than anything.

 

[Buddy]

I checked out the reference to Bale's outburst. It was revolting. At one point I thought I detected a voice tremor that indicated he might have cried like a baby if he hadn't continued the tirade to cover it. Some professional. I agree, No one should ever talk to another that way.

 

[forge]

Heimdallr, Buddy: I watched most of Bales films. The character-work he created and presented in these films were excellent performances, i think. An actor of this caliber might channel into his roles, take up too much of the film character, that it might be difficult for him, to get out to switch into his normal everyday persona, to shout on set cinematographer Shane Hurlbut (the outburst). Of course this doesn't save him if his character or him personally did the outburst or if there was any mix, between his real personage and the acted. "He also said he was likely channeling too much of his character, John Conner." I can't imagine what his outburst would have looked like if he made it on the set of American Psycho.

He has three elders sisters.
1. "The Daily Mail claims his sister Sharon Bale asked her brother for $200,000 to help raise her three children."
2. "The Insider obtained the first shot of 'Dark Knight' star Christian Bale since he was reportedly arrested and questioned by police in London earlier today over allegations he assualted his 61-year-old mother and 40-year-old sister."
3. "The Daily Mail claims his sister Sharon Bale asked her brother for $200,000 to help raise her three children. Christian allegedly was not keen on the idea, sparking the alleged argument between Bale and his family."
If the claim is true, i would say, knowing nothing about the nature of the sister and the mother, that i would have given the money to them, after all what is 200K compared to his salary on just one film? However i don't know the sister and Bale's mother personally. Even if i could ascertain that the two women were made of material that makes them better *loved from afar*, probably i would have given them the money anyway. Maybe Bale did.

Being a professional actor could require all his energies, he is living from movie set to movie set, plus he is probably asleep, i think. Esoteric work - especially if he is a psychopath or sociopath - probably isn't on his daily agenda. Such a man, even if he is good inside, good natured basically, can be drunk of power, or he can have a general temper, a momentum, a volcanic energy that makes him vulnerable to such 'interactions', so that when evoked or poked by the cinematographer by "just walking into the set for a last minute check in a totally innocent (looking)" way, such an outburst can be the result.

I couldn't find a video interview with the victim of outburst, cinematographer Shane Hurlbut, to try to check him out. There are written interviews only, those could be rephrased by editors, displaying the subject in any light wished.

I stand by what i said, by his acting performances, watching him through many movie-hours (15 films) and few seconds of real-life video interviews i could find [to check out his facial expressions when pressed] thinking his outburst justified, however revolting and totally out of line. I think many people are capable of this type of reaction when provoked. It is forgivable when a man in a sudden rage, caused by external agents, doesn't think, becomes controlled by his emotions, his conscience and sober thinking temporarily in recess, shouts these things. It is unforgivable when a man in sober state, working through normal thought processes, in everyday life, says and means these things. I think there is a difference.

Bale could be, there is a possibility, a revolting, violent and mostly totally out of line person in real life, who should be avoided. I just have no facts to support it.

This was not really worth the post, so many lines of noise. More important, that i tried to check him out and try to think about what i said: was i blindly defending him based on his excellent movie performances, making him identical with his movie characters in my mind automatically, thinking Bale = good movie heroes = good person in real life? Can i not accept that Bale could be a vile person? Pondering about it i think, he may be at the stage, a soul in struggle, that is if a soul is there, committing vile acts, viewed as vile, his revealing acts making him vile. However there is a possibility that given the chance and the mirror, he could chose to be a good person and do everything in his power to redeem vile acts in his past.

Sources:
_http://www.theinsider.com/news/1089344_New_Interview_Christian_Bale_On_The_Allegations
_http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000288/
_http://www.theinsider.com/celebrities/Christian_Bale
_http://www.theinsider.com/news/1639186_Christian_Bale_says_rant_inexcusable
_http://www.theinsider.com/news/1081874_Christian_Bale_Denies_Allegation
_http://www.theinsider.com/news/2052162_Christian_Bale_Steps_Into_the_Ring
_http://www.theinsider.com/news/347989_Hot_Hollywood_Hunk_Christian_Bale
_http://www.biggeststars.com/c/christian-bale-home.html
_http://www.contactmusic.com/info/christian_bale

 

[Buddy]

Hi forge.

Fwiw, I understand weaknesses that come from stress and being under influences of all sorts. To me the issue was whether or not the outburst was "justified" as you stated: (Wholly justified, i think, seeing how weak the director performed on that film.)

So in my mind the question became one of "Was the action of the lighting director's walk in front of camera (accidentally, absent-mindedly, I assumed) and Bale's outburst over it balanced out (fair/balanced/equitable expression)?

To me, the answer is no. Bale was out of line. Is Bale responsible for his behavior? I think so, but others may have a different view. :)



Justified comes from 'just' (adj.)
1382, "righteous in the eyes of God, upright and impartial," from O.Fr. just, from L. justus "upright, equitable," from jus (gen. juris) "right," especially "legal right, law," from O.Latin ious, perhaps lit. "sacred formula," a word peculiar to Latin (not general Italic) that originated in the religious cults, from PIE base *yewes- (cf. Avestan yaozda- "make ritually pure;" see jurist). The more mundane L. law-word lex covered specific laws as opposed to the body of laws.
_http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=just&searchmode=none

 

[forge]

To me, the answer is no. Bale was out of line. Is Bale responsible for his behavior? I think so, but others may have a different view. :) [..]

I thought about what would i choose if asked in a serious life situation, would i live/work under Bale's supervision? Live on his property, work for him [gardener, pool cleaner, etc..], accept payment from him, having not many other options? Would i do that? Based on my current take on him, on the current very little facts, mostly subjective opinion, which may have little to do with dangerous reality, i would risk it.

Justified comes from 'just' (adj.)
1382, "righteous in the eyes of God, upright and impartial,"

Reading this line i instantly backed off that i didn't mean my statement before the eyes of God. Then thought about it: i said Bale was wholly justified. So that means i said he was "righteous in the eyes of God, upright and impartial," by doing his outburst. I simply made statement on my opinion based on his made-up, illusionary movie characters, which may be therefore an opinion based on illusion, fantasy, that is a wishful thinking. So much for "Wholly justified, i think,".

I feel bad about having to spend all my creative energy on getting food and money for the rent and not taking part in doing graphics for Red Pill Press or FOTCM or QFG. This Bale-post was merely an attempt to correctly expend sexual energy by transmutation. To increase my efficiency, clean the machine in the hope of redeeming all this in the future.

I apologize for taking up forum members resources that are better spent elsewhere.

 

[Buddy]

I feel bad about having to spend all my creative energy on getting food and money for the rent and not taking part in doing graphics for Red Pill Press or FOTCM or QFG. This Bale-post was merely an attempt to correctly expend sexual energy by transmutation. To increase my efficiency, clean the machine in the hope of redeeming all this in the future.

I apologize for taking up forum members resources that are better spent elsewhere.

Believe it or not, I can feel for what you're going through, forge.

Does it feel something like this: Part of you is looking at what you can't do for others here because of what you must do for yourself. Another part is looking at what you wouldn't be able to do for yourself if you did stuff for others here. The negative half of the emotional center is feeding this intellectual conflict and the weight of it is keeping you focussed there.

To me, this is like a negative feedback loop and I've been there too. The only way out that I have found is to realize that the thinking of each one of those conflicting I's is exactly as valueless as the other without some objective reality to check the thinking against.

What is the objective reality that defines your activities and your life at the moment?
If it is taking all your energy for food and rent, then that is what it takes. If it takes all you have at the moment to be at the measure needed to meet your needs and you are doing that, then why be so harsh on yourself? This 'trap' is only temporary. You just need to continue breathing through it until it dissipates.

Some people that I personally know, read the following two sentences:

1) If you want to help others, help yourself instead.
2) If you want to help yourself, help others instead.

and pick # 2 as somehow more altruistic, but I believe that's an illusion of the false personality. The Universe is a unity and whether or not you allow yourself to acknowledge it, you are still participating in a give/take energy exchange on many levels, from your job to the Earth's biosphere and thru the butterfly effect - who knows where and what else. The Universe is the widest context in which you can consider this.

If I were to focus in on you with some cosmological lens, I sincerely doubt I would be able to determine, from the situation I was viewing, whether you were helping yourself in order to help others, or if you were helping others in order to help yourself, just by looking at your actions because both would be identical! osit

I believe this knowledge is expressed in the content of this beautiful quote that I keep at my desk all the time. And I believe it comes from Laura:

"To work on yourself for the good of others is a smart way to receive the best from life for yourself."


Hope this has helped in some way. :)