Information needed on Gary E. Schwartz

[Russ]

I am sort of glad he was diagnosed with depression, and desiring a deeper understanding of things, because it brings us closer as friends. It doesn't mean to say I have a vested interest in it, its just nice that it turned out that way.

I don’t mean to be pedantic or picky Russ, but I found this above quote to be very confusing, and I’m still wondering what was meant by it, as the way you have worded it, sounds like your glad your friend has been diagnosed with depression, which makes him need you more. I may sound strange for saying this, but if a friend of mine was diagnosed with Depression, then I wouldn’t take it as a positive thing, I’d be upset that someone I care about is unhappy and I’d likely worry that they may turn to anti-depressants to help cope (which I don’t think always help the situation, and in many ways make it worse). From what you have shared, it sounds a little like you want to be your friends saviour/ hero and as Cyre has commented, that’s not a healthy way to be thinking and in many ways is the same type of thing I was doing with my friend as I have mentioned above, trying to be the one to guide them on their way. You obviously care a great deal about your friend, and it’s great that you make time for him to help him when he asks. Just don’t make the same mistakes I have made and try to be everybody’s saviour, as in the end I was the one who ended up needing saving, and thankfully that’s what happened when I woke up to find Laura’s work, I managed to save myself, and start the work it takes to try and know myself better, and not let it happen again.

Hi Appollynon,

What I mean by I'm "sort of" glad, is I'm glad something is happening. Maybe its not my "right" to tell some of his past, but I think its probably best that I do... After school he was trying to please his Dad by taking courses which he didnt really have any interest in, and by university level just sat in flats playing games and feeling sorry for himself. Everything from accomidation etc was funded by his parents (very wealthy), and after about 6 years of going to 3 different universities and basically trying hard at the start but eventually giving up each time. Then he tried to do what he wanted to do, but said the course wasn't what he thought it would be. Then his parents bought him a house and he has been in that house basically sitting around not doing much, no incentive to get a job or anything, smoking doobies and an addiction to World of Warcraft doesn't help either. I never really said anything about it, just let him talk to me about it when he wanted to. He knows whats happening, there wasn't much I could say, and telling him to go and get a job etc, as Anart and many others have said, could have worked in the opposite direction.

I'm not glad he is depressed, far from it, I think its awful. But I am glad it reached the point where he had to do something about it, and realise where his life is heading at a deep level. Thats not ALL my opinion, I know he isn't happy with it either, but he had no incentive to do much about it, there was no need to get money, or anything. In a way the constant supply of money from his parents didn't do any good for his motivation. It really makes me happy that because he has been diagnosed, it could cause him to realise his potential, and I know that would make him happy aswell. Of course nothing is guaranteed, but it did seem he was wasting away, and he said that to me. I have to say I grew up with him and have known him for over 20 years, so its not just someone I met 2 years ago or something, I do know him fairly well, but I'm not under any illusions that I really truly know what goes through his head, but I do think I have a pretty good idea. Also I'm not a total noob to helping people, its just that this is a real test for me, when its such a delicate period of time, I have to be on form and not risk making things worse for him. Some things have been revealed to me about myself in this time, and I'm glad I posted on here, even with an indirect question, I feel its really helped me to help him and myself. I am very grateful for this forum and the people on it.

I am concerned about the medication, but first he is having counceling. I did say to him, when he said about the medication, that I don't know if that will really help, but probably patch over things and not cure it. He said he didn't care, he just wanted the depression to go. So I told him maybe the depression is there for a good reason, to change his life, but he was still not convinced. But I left it there, I'm not going to moan at him, I already knew that wouldn't be good for him. Theres not much I can do but be there for him. He said it was a big help just to talk to someone about it, and to be fair thats all he really asked for.

I admit there are feelings of being the saviour, and wanting to take the glory from that. But its not the whole reason behind it, but it is a motivator. Its a pain, saying things like that, because a lot of people can read it and think, "total git, thats all he cares about and he even admits it". Its easy to miss bits like "sort of" and "kind of" and "partially". Its complicated and I don't think it will ever be drawn down to a simple synopsis which explains it all.

I am pretty much his only friend, so I also feel very responsible because of that. Its an eye opener, he gets looks on the street etc, its sickening really, the attitude people have of others just because of how they look. This is partly his own fault, because he allows it to affect him a bit too much, but I understand its a demoralising thing which is very hard to get over. Why would you want to make friends with people who have already insulted you and proved their true nature by pre-judging you based on how you look? Not to mention the feelings of inferiority which can arise from it. From this there are strong feelings in me to want to smack him round the face and get him to wake up, but I think I have been very restrained. Its just that now, when it could finally happen, I'm not 100% sure how to act. However I realise that how I've been acting before was fine, I don't really need to do anything extra now, but just remain supportive and be there for him.

I know this forum is here to help, but there’s so much picking holes, its almost like you're blind to the fact that I knew posting about it here would be one of the best things I could do for him. Its like, "at all costs, find him to be guilty of being selfish, ignore anything which points in the other direction".

I don’t think this is what anart or cyre were trying to do, to find you guilty of selfish actions or anything of the sort, but simply trying to help you see something in yourself that you may not be able to see without the help of others pointing it out. I’ll be honest, I know I’m selfish in some ways, and if I could have people help me to understand it and see it more clearly so I could do something about it, I’d be very grateful. In fact were all selfish and STS to some extent, how many times when each of us wakes up in the morning and opens the bedroom door do we thank our mattress and bed sheets for keeping us warm and comfortable through the night? How many times do we ask the metals in a door handle if they mind being used to open a door? I would guess very few of us live like that, so it means that many of us walk around using things (that to some extent) we take for granted and forget about asking for permission to use, or thank them for letting us use them, and in my book that makes most of us STS. I think (and I may be wrong) the trouble here is that anart, and cyre have different interpretations of what it means to help others in the way you have described, compared to your interpretation of why you help your friend, and that’s why you have sought to defend your actions and felt that they may be nit-picking or trying to label you selfish. I think your friend is lucky to have someone who cares and will help when asked, and what anart and cyre were trying to say is that there is thin line between genuinely helping someone else and helping yourself by helping others.
My reiki teacher had a good way of putting it, “You spend your life always trying to help others, and yet you never help yourself. You weren’t put on this planet to help or heal anyone but yourself, you can help if your asked for help, but only to a certain extent, because ultimately everyone must learn to heal themselves”.
My apologies if this post just adds noise and distracts form the topic at hand, but I thought it may be helpful to hear from someone who has found themselves in a similar situation and had to work to see that what I was doing was serving myself more than others.

Thanks Ap, and everyone else who has posted, even though I might not have responded directly to some people, I did read them and I appreciate the time you've all taken to read what I've wrote, and to write well thought out and genuinely helpful replies. Ap, I don't think your post was noisey at all, its just that these things tend to take up a lot more words than expected sometimes, its a complicated subject!

I know what you mean about thanking the little things. I do it sometimes :D I'm just grateful to be alive really, everything else is a bonus, its easy for the small things to be forgotten when simply being alive is already so good. But I have come to see that even the "bad" things are just as good as the "good" things. I really appreciate things like toothache etc, they teach me about what it might be like to live in constant pain, and makes me consider what some people are going through. Its something I don't expect, but a lot of things seem to be very well balanced. For all of the pain we feel, does help us to learn. Its just that its hard not to fall into despair and helplessness when it happens, but so far I've managed. In some ways, the planet and people here, along with my body, are kind of fine tuning my perspective, if I allow it to. If not, I can only give up. But whats the point in letting that happen? But yeah I think its going slightly off topic, although I think the thread might be coming to a close now anyway, so not too big of a deal.