Just an update

[Solie123]

I'm going start off with a little background story...

I became acquainted with the forum via a guy I meant 5 years ago, who then I entered an on/off relationship. The longest and most recent "run" being of 2 years and a month, ending this February that past.

We entered the relationship believing that our goals were similar, that we were heading the same directions in our path, and that our relationship, as long as we worked on it, could have been something incredibly constructed for both of us. And it could have been, but we STOPPED working toward that goals, we got to 'comfortable,' we gave in to our programming, our baggage, our childhood traumas, our pride, our anger, our resentment, and we ended up created this toxic relationship, all for the sake of continuity.

We reached a breaking point, where we both recognized that our relationship wasn't co-linear with our goals anymore, that what we had, wasn't worth holding on to anymore.

This was an incredible shock... Because, to find someone with the same goal as you, and then to realized that you couldn't value that person, what does that say about you?

I'm angry... Because I can't believe the selfish, prideful, vengeful person I was in our relationship, and it serves me as the biggest wake up call I could have ever received. To realize the darkness I could create by choosing not to work, by choosing ignorance, and my comfy cozy sleeping state.

I feel I have sabotaged myself. And this is not necessarily about the relationship, it's that I completely STOPPED working, and I look back at all the the aspect of my life; school, family, everything, and I almost can't believe how BLIND I let myself become. The absolute Darkness I chose to live in.

But this is why the work is so important to me now, because I CAN'T, I just can't let myself fall asleep again. I can't let myself LIE to world, to myself anymore.

It's been increasingly painful! To strip away all the illusions I had of myself, and the world. And I go about my day with a heavy heart, and sometimes it's really discouraging...

And the scariest thought I have is, I don't know if I'm going about this objectively or not, or if I'm just leading myself into another pit, or if my emotions are gonna get the best of me. And it doesn't help that I'm constantly overcome with this feeling of loneliness, and this complete alienation.

I had always been the black sheep, and to this day, I can't say I have one friend, except my now ex-partner; and that idea just make me increasingly anxious.


I know it's all probably for the best that I'm alone right now... DCM knows best.


But, this is why I have also strayed away from the forum a little bit, I've been doing a lot of fighting of my own demons, and attempting to kill all my illusions, to wake... in hope that one day I can become of service to the group, and to others. ( I just don't feel I'll be to any help to the group right now, I have sooo much to do. )



-Solie

 

[kalibex]

Hullo, Solie - welcome back.

Are you saying you started to fall back on old habits gradually, until the shock of the ended relationship had you taking stock and realizing how far you had deviated from your original intent(s)?

 

[riclapaz]

Hi, could you help me understand a little more please, you did your presentation in this forum January 26, 2015, that you said this:

Hi, my name is Sol
I finally have gathered up the courage to officially join the form - prior to, I’ve been a little intimated. I’m so excited to finally be taking the first steps, to something I know will only be doing me so good.
I turned 18 last November, but even prior to that, I’ve been reading up on a lot of the works that Laura and the groups do. I consider myself extremely lucky, my current partner is actually a co-host for the SOTT talk Spanish radio show (I’m so proud of him). I mention him because, he’s been a great deal too why I’m even here today.

and now you say this:

I'm going start off with a little background story...

I became acquainted with the forum via a guy I meant 5 years ago, who then I entered an on/off relationship. The longest and most recent "run" being of 2 years and a month, ending this February that past.


I'm angry... Because I can't believe the selfish, prideful, vengeful person I was in our relationship, and it serves me as the biggest wake up call I could have ever received. To realize the darkness I could create by choosing not to work, by choosing ignorance, and my comfy cozy sleeping state.

I see a very strange relationship, if you feel comfortable could be clearer to publish, sorry did not get it either

 

[Solie123]

It is very strange I have to admit, and the more details you know about it, the stranger it'll seem.

When I introduced myself - when I joined the forum back in January our relationship was burning it's last resources of fuel, and joining the forum for me was the first step in getting myself "together," (For a lack of a better saying).

When I say 'acquainted,' I mean familiar with the work that was being done here on the forum.



And just a few examples of what I mean as me "falling": (I'm not going to go into straight details about our relationship, I hope you guys can understand that)

I hadn't read a single book, in a year and half, excusing myself by saying, "I'm too busy with work, and life etccc... I'll get to it someday."

I switched jobs 4 times in the past two years - this is something that's very recurring with me, that I change my exterior believing the problem is there, instead of looking inwards.

I stopped going school.

I stopped doing emotional work, which had a grave affect because, I have all these past traumas, and programming - by not working on it, I allowed these things to 'manifest' in my day to day life.... I hope that makes sense.

I gave up trying to form a decent relationship with my family, so instead, I just avoided them. Telling myself, "We'll at least this way we can't argue, right?"


I'm not proud of who I became - never working, just seeking comfort. I don't mind criticism, I can't justify anything I have I done.


If it's still not clear, I'll be more then glad to clarify..

 

[s-kur]

Well, falling down sometimes is indispensable experience for further growing. I mean, I suppose here is no person who didn't fell or made wrong steps...As you could notice it leads you to unfolding your illusions. Illusions about who you're and what's going on. What really happened? How do you think?
Then earlier you'll get responsibility of your life then easier it will be to develop your being.

The traits you've stated about yourself it's great observation. But what you've decided about them? As far as I can see they just provide an opportunity of avoiding an dissociation for you.
What about using stuff&skills you've learnt to "treat" your being (I mean school, family relationships, self-discipline and so forth)?