Looking For a Place to Live

[Masamune]

Hi everyone. :) After some recent events between me and my roommate/landlord I have decided to find a new place to live. I am wondering does anyone have advice they would like to share with someone who is looking for a place to live? Have you been burned in the past by a landlord or a roommate? Have you had a good experience with a landlord or roommate? Would there be anything that you would caution for or against when renting? What would be some good things to look for when searching for a place to live?

I personally just learned to get a copy of the signed lease before you pay any money and ask about how they handle pest control if you are sensitive to chemicals or do not want chemicals used. Also document as much as possible when it regards money or when discussing important issues with your landlord.

In regards to other negative experiences, I had a roommate who was renting a place and I signed a lease with her. She just could not get a job the two months I lived there. I post dated a check for rent and gave it to her and she cashed it immediately. Then at the end of two months she just disappeared one day and I never saw her or my deposit again. :( I am not sure what I could have done differently in that situation.

Also I have a question, what is your viewpoint on living alone? Is there any benefits to living alone versus living with a roommate in regards to doing the Work or for any other reason? I personally find that I get lonely when there is not someone living with me and also I don't know many people in this area so a roommate could help me if my car breaks down for example. But if I have a roommate I would have to deal with their games/issues and I can come under attack through them. What do you think about this? Thanks for any help. ;)

 

[Cyre2067]

Hey Masa, sorry to hear you're having a rough ride. Here's what I've learned, hope it helps.

One thing I can say that has helped in the past is to know who you're living with. Know their habits, their likes and dislikes, smoking, pets, drug use, diet issues. Vege's might hate the smell of bacon, or maybe perhaps a potential roomie sells drugs on the side - these are things you want to know before living with someone. As with everything, knowledge protects.

As far as an ideal situation, I preferred living a lone. It allows you to organize your space, your environment exactly how you want, you can keep it how you like, and you're responsible for it, solely. The Work doesn't rely on any particular living situation, so I wouldn't worry about that. Just get yourself in a situation where you're stable comfortable and independent. Sometimes, due to finances, this isn't possible - however I've lived with strangers and new friends and had both situations work out very well. The key is to get to know them, and to practice external consideration/strategic enclosure to the best of your abilities.

As for landlords, try to feel them out. When you're looking at a place, you're not only checking out the place, but the landlord. What kind of vibe do they put off? How does being in their presence make you feel, in other words. The length of the lease can also be telling, is it 7-10 pages of legal babble you need a lawyer to decipher or is it 2 pages of plain english with reasonable requirements.

Who's responsible for maintenance? Whats the pet/smoking policy? Are there neighbors? Who are they? Do they have pest issues? How clean is the space? Has it been recently painted? Can you paint over it if you don't like bland white walls? Etc etc.

fwiw

 

[truth seeker]

Hey Masamune,

I'm really sorry about the craziness you're going through right now. If you haven't done so already, I would suggest that you do some research on this site in reference to narcissists/psychopaths so that you can understand this behavior a little better when it's presented to you and can hopefully avoid having to deal with it.

Personally, I don't think I would live on the same premises with my landlord. I've found it to be too confining (they're always looking for something wrong). I prefer living alone (unless I'm in a relationship), but this doesn't have to apply to you. I honestly think that if you can afford it, you should live alone. Why? You have a pet and this will avoid the problems mentioned in your former thread. In my opinion, everyone should at one point live alone if it's possible. I think it fosters independence, self esteem and appreciation for oneself as well as consideration for others. What I mean by the last statement is that I realized that when I lived alone for awhile, I was less likely to take others for granted. This made me more considerate of the people I lived with after living alone.

 

[Masamune]

Thanks for the advice! :)

Puck - I think that's a pretty good overview of everything to consider. Thanks. ;)

If you haven't done so already, I would suggest that you do some research on this site in reference to narcissists/psychopaths so that you can understand this behavior a little better when it's presented to you and can hopefully avoid having to deal with it.

I read as much as I can on this subject. :D I have yet to read Wolves in Sheep's Clothes though, I think that may have been useful in this situation.

I honestly think that if you can afford it, you should live alone. Why? You have a pet and this will avoid the problems mentioned in your former thread. In my opinion, everyone should at one point live alone if it's possible. I think it fosters independence, self esteem and appreciation for oneself as well as consideration for others. What I mean by the last statement is that I realized that when I lived alone for awhile, I was less likely to take others for granted. This made me more considerate of the people I lived with after living alone.

After I moved out of my parent's house I lived alone for about 5 years so I have experienced it before. I definitely like to live alone because I can feel safe there and relax and have things the way I like it with no stress. But in the past I started to feel crazy after I lived alone for awhile. It felt like I would lose touch with reality and I would want to stay isolated. Due to certain issues my friends stopped wanting to hang out with me or I did not want to hang out with them and soon I was by myself for most of the time out of school or work. Maybe this is something to put in the swamp but I started feeling pretty depressed. I prefer to live alone, I just feel fearful that I may fall into a downward spiral if I live alone...

It may be a good thing though because I could get in touch with myself more and not have to spend so much energy dealing with other people's issues all the time. I am thinking about living alone just for a short period of time to see how it goes, it may be a good break. Maybe with expressing how I feel and having the support of the forum I may have a better experience than in the past. :)

 

[abstract]

dude, i live alone, i've had a roommate before, and i gotta give my input here...living alone is the best thing ever. i didn't have enough queit time with a room mate, and he was always using my stuff. if you live alone it means you don't have to worry about the needs of other people (not to be narcassistic) and in my case i no longer have to worry about coming home and listening to awful music. it cuts way down on life drama. you get what you want and you do what you want. that's my take on it, anyway. i can understand the sense of isolation, i'm going through that right now, i'm just trying to keep myself occupied. anyway, hope that works out for you.

 

[RedFox]

I've lived in halls of residence at university....having your own space was good...but it wasn't your own space (and you sure couldn't get much peace and quiet at night!)
I've also lived in shared accommodation (on my own for 3 months with a job, then with university friends)....this is when my depression really kicked in.....

Maybe this is something to put in the swamp but I started feeling pretty depressed. I prefer to live alone, I just feel fearful that I may fall into a downward spiral if I live alone...

So I completely understand when you worry about depression coming back, I use too as well. I've been living with parents since university and trying to get myself back on my feet but am somewhat stuck in a rut when it comes to moving out...fortunately it is moving forwards slowly.
My parents went on holiday for two weeks recently, and to have the place to myself was great....to cook and clean and get to work and do the dishes and clothes washing....by myself...for myself....and have the TV off for two weeks (my parents like it on). Well it was liberating.
It seems I've learnt enough to have got passed most of my old issues and depression...and if I haven't I feel confident enough to tackle it myself (with or without outside help/support).
I actually didn't feel lonely either. I think feeling lonely is both natural, but also I think that if it is overwhelming it is perhaps an emotional avoidance program. Perhaps avoidance of worry or depression or fear or anxiety?? I think searching the forum for subjects on loneliness may be very helpful too...
I also think its about balance and self confidence....at the time I was living alone I had very little self confidence, and the 'social isolation' (as I saw it at the time) just reinforced my thought loops that I was worthless/unlikable/unlovable......basically all to do with rejection/acceptance of self.
At the time I didn't notice it, but even when there where people around, those feelings where still under the surface and running me. It was the quiet time away from others that brought them to the surface, and ironically I now see it as an opportunity to heal myself.....at the time I just associated 'loneliness' with all the emotional pain I couldn't bury/avoid because I was alone with myself.

I think also having a balanced social life, even if its nothing major helps.....I talk to my work colleagues (about nothing deep really, occasionally about psychology....has been a great opportunity to learn strategic enclosure and external considering/when someone is actually asking for help)...and this combined with the forum is generally enough social life for me. Combine that with visiting my girlfriend at weekends and doing family things like going to the beach or doing the food shopping and its pretty good.....just gotta get my own space finally now!!!

Was has helped the most with this is this comunity and the knowledge I've learnt here/from the recommended books. I know that if I get depressed I have great threads like Depression As A Stepping Stone (to Soul Growth), the Swamp and the E-E program to fall back on should I feel overwhelmed.

One of my last hurdles (and the one still to test) is how I cope with failure/problems on my own....before I saw it as reflecting 'that I was a failure' or that I am incapable of supporting myself thus worthless.....now comes the tricky part of really testing this by striking out on my own. I probably will have problems, fail or make mistakes...and perhaps even feel depressed about it. But if I don't get back on the horse and test myself on my own in the world I can't take the Work any further in my life.

Apologies if this is too much about me....hopefully by relaying my understanding at the moment it may help you with the worry of loneliness/failure.
One last thought on loneliness (which has probably been discussed elsewhere) is that its internal considering/narcissistic in that, you need something external to 'fill a hole' (and bury our feelings).....perhaps in the end it is just the predators hunger we feel when we feel lonely _and_ sorry for ourselves?
Give that wounded inner child room to let go its pain from being rejected....give unconditional love and acceptance to yourself...and you need not worry about loneliness again. osit

One last thing that helps me when I feel down (and one of my favorite quotes) is from PepperFritz

I really do feel that if she doesn't make it, it will be the end of the world. I feel it in such a deep level of being that the sense of responsibility and helplessness throws me completely off balance and I lose myself.

I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but take if for what it's worth:

Something that has always helped me to break the emotional loop of catastrophic thinking is a kind of visualization exercise. When I begin to feel those panicky "What if" feelings start to overwhelm me, I let myself imagine the very WORST thing that could happen in the current situation, then (and here is the important part) I "problem-solve" into the future and see myself successfully coping with it. It's kind of the opposite of what the "positive thinking" new-agers tell you to do, but it really works for me. Instead of reacting to that great unknown and unknowable catastrophe looming in the future, I turn it into a knowable negative event in the real world, one that I may not want, but one that I have the ability to cope with.

In your case, this would mean vividly imagining all the terrible things that will happen if your daughter "screws up". Imagine that she doesn't graduate. Then visualize how you will handle that situation from that point forward. See yourself laying down the law forcing her to get a job. See her "hating" you for a while, moving out, working at McDonalds, and living in a hell-hole apartment. Visualize yourself accepting that outcome, being OK with her learning her own lessons. Then visualize her learning those lessons, asking to move back home so that she can finish school, get back on track, etc. Keep repeating a mantra to yourself: "It'll be OK, I can deal with it", etc.

Like I said, it has always worked really well for me. Quickly calms me down and gets me out of the loop. Gives me confidence that whatever happens, it won't be the end of the world, just another challenge to face, another problem to solve....