I've lived in halls of residence at university....having your own space was good...but it wasn't your own space (and you sure couldn't get much peace and quiet at night!)
I've also lived in shared accommodation (on my own for 3 months with a job, then with university friends)....this is when my depression really kicked in.....
Masamune said:
Maybe this is something to put in the swamp but I started feeling pretty depressed. I prefer to live alone, I just feel fearful that I may fall into a downward spiral if I live alone...
So I completely understand when you worry about depression coming back, I use too as well. I've been living with parents since university and trying to get myself back on my feet but am somewhat stuck in a rut when it comes to moving out...fortunately it is moving forwards slowly.
My parents went on holiday for two weeks recently, and to have the place to myself was great....to cook and clean and get to work and do the dishes and clothes washing....by myself...for myself....and have the TV off for two weeks (my parents like it on). Well it was liberating.
It seems I've learnt enough to have got passed most of my old issues and depression...and if I haven't I feel confident enough to tackle it myself (with or without outside help/support).
I actually didn't feel lonely either. I think feeling lonely is both natural, but also I think that if it is overwhelming it is perhaps an emotional avoidance program. Perhaps avoidance of worry or depression or fear or anxiety?? I think searching the forum for subjects on loneliness may be very helpful too...
I also think its about balance and self confidence....at the time I was living alone I had very little self confidence, and the 'social isolation' (as I saw it at the time) just reinforced my thought loops that I was worthless/unlikable/unlovable......basically all to do with rejection/acceptance of self.
At the time I didn't notice it, but even when there where people around, those feelings where still under the surface and running me. It was the quiet time away from others that brought them to the surface, and ironically I now see it as an opportunity to heal myself.....at the time I just associated 'loneliness' with all the emotional pain I couldn't bury/avoid because I was alone with myself.
I think also having a balanced social life, even if its nothing major helps.....I talk to my work colleagues (about nothing deep really, occasionally about psychology....has been a great opportunity to learn strategic enclosure and external considering/when someone is actually asking for help)...and this combined with the forum is generally enough social life for me. Combine that with visiting my girlfriend at weekends and doing family things like going to the beach or doing the food shopping and its pretty good.....just gotta get my own space finally now!!!
Was has helped the most with this is this comunity and the knowledge I've learnt here/from the recommended books. I know that if I get depressed I have great threads like
Depression As A Stepping Stone (to Soul Growth), the Swamp and the E-E program to fall back on should I feel overwhelmed.
One of my last hurdles (and the one still to test) is how I cope with failure/problems on my own....before I saw it as reflecting 'that I was a failure' or that I am incapable of supporting myself thus worthless.....now comes the tricky part of really testing this by striking out on my own. I probably will have problems, fail or make mistakes...and perhaps even feel depressed about it. But if I don't get back on the horse and test myself on my own in the world I can't take the Work any further in my life.
Apologies if this is too much about me....hopefully by relaying my understanding at the moment it may help you with the worry of loneliness/failure.
One last thought on loneliness (which has probably been discussed elsewhere) is that its internal considering/narcissistic in that, you need something external to 'fill a hole' (and bury our feelings).....perhaps in the end it is just the predators hunger we feel when we feel lonely _and_ sorry for ourselves?
Give that wounded inner child room to let go its pain from being rejected....give unconditional love and acceptance to yourself...and you need not worry about loneliness again. osit
One last thing that helps me when I feel down (and one of my favorite quotes) is from PepperFritz
PepperFritz said:
webglider said:
I really do feel that if she doesn't make it, it will be the end of the world. I feel it in such a deep level of being that the sense of responsibility and helplessness throws me completely off balance and I lose myself.
I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but take if for what it's worth:
Something that has always helped me to break the emotional loop of catastrophic thinking is a kind of visualization exercise. When I begin to feel those panicky "What if" feelings start to overwhelm me, I let myself imagine the very WORST thing that could happen in the current situation, then (and here is the important part) I "problem-solve" into the future and see myself successfully coping with it. It's kind of the opposite of what the "positive thinking" new-agers tell you to do, but it really works for me. Instead of reacting to that great unknown and unknowable catastrophe looming in the future, I turn it into a knowable negative event in the real world, one that I may not want, but one that I have the ability to cope with.
In your case, this would mean vividly imagining all the terrible things that will happen if your daughter "screws up". Imagine that she doesn't graduate. Then visualize how you will handle that situation from that point forward. See yourself laying down the law forcing her to get a job. See her "hating" you for a while, moving out, working at McDonalds, and living in a hell-hole apartment. Visualize yourself accepting that outcome, being OK with her learning her own lessons. Then visualize her learning those lessons, asking to move back home so that she can finish school, get back on track, etc. Keep repeating a mantra to yourself: "It'll be OK, I can deal with it", etc.
Like I said, it has always worked really well for me. Quickly calms me down and gets me out of the loop. Gives me confidence that whatever happens, it won't be the end of the world, just another challenge to face, another problem to solve....