Looking for a quote by Laura

[Menna]

I searched the forum this morning and tried to piece together what I remember about it. I believe it was in a relationship oriented thread.

It goes something like. If you made promises or fell in love with someone who turned out to be different then what you thought or lied or hid things from you, you don't owe them anything and so on...

I would like to share laura's words with a friend but can't seem to track them down.

Does anyone remember the post that I am talking about?

Thank you in advance.

 

[Mrs. Peel]

I searched the forum this morning and tried to piece together what I remember about it. I believe it was in a relationship oriented thread.

It goes something like. If you made promises or fell in love with someone who turned out to be different then what you thought or lied or hid things from you, you don't owe them anything and so on...

I would like to share laura's words with a friend but can't seem to track them down.

Does anyone remember the post that I am talking about?

Thank you in advance.

Do you remember a bit more about what the post was about? That's kinda vague. We've got about a gazillion relationship threads out there. :)

 

[Menna]

I know I was taking a shot in the dark by asking because I really don't have much more information. I am going through Lauras posts one by one I am at Aug 31st 2011...

Basically this girl made a promise to this guy and she made it before she found out he was a heroin addict she is having trouble letting go because she says she always keeps her promises/was in love with who she thought he was before she found out he was lieing to her the whole time. She has a good heart and I believe Lauras words to be very logical and help full.

Basically the take home point of what I remember from the post was. If you are with someone, invest in them, love them and then find out they are not the person you think they are it is ok to separate yourself/don't owe them anything.

Continuing the search...

 

[Mrs. Peel]

Basically the take home point of what I remember from the post was. If you are with someone, invest in them, love them and then find out they are not the person you think they are it is ok to separate yourself/don't owe them anything.

Well yeah, I don't think anybody "owes" anyone if they leave a relationship. Unless it's child support.. ;) It's just common sense, if someone has hidden an unsavory part of themselves behind a "mask of sanity" that has been torn away, then yeah, all bets are off.

But I'm sure Laura put it much better. :)

 

[Menna]

Yes it is common sense but as you know people who are heavy in sleep have trouble letting go of "I made a promise" or "I was so in love" they are stuck in a certain program and sometimes Anart, Laura and others words are typed in a way that it just shatters the sacred cows and wishful thinking and brings you to a deferent level of realization. I know you have to be at a certain level of being to have the words impact you as such but regardless if it sticks with you for 5min or changes your perception it still has an impact.

 

[Don Genaro]

Menna, could this be what you were looking for?

Now, let’s look at a real life situation that plays out the drama exactly as the theorists have predicted. Some time ago I received correspondence from a reader who wrote to me describing her years of suffering; her dreadful childhood, her marital unhappiness, suicidal feelings, and on and on. She described her father as “a highly intelligent and spectacularly manipulative individual, endowed with psychic energies and a very heavy ‘presence’,” and her mother as “beautiful, clever, unhappy, terrorized by my father – as was I – and learned to like alcohol.”
She described her first marriage, children and divorce, increasing health problems and finally meeting her present husband who “was the first person I knew who was willing to accept me and my children. I was not ‘in love’ with him, though I found him attractive. I thought love would come later. …

 

[Laura]

I know which one you are talking about but I swear I couldn't tell you where it is. I think I expressed it in terms of contract, like when a contract is made under false pretenses or coercion, it is null and void the instant you learn the true conditions that were not made explicit. It's one of the ways that the whole STS dynamic gains control of people: using their best qualities against them. Good people feel strongly about keeping their word and in a world where it was truly valued and not obtained by manipulation, it would mean something. But in a world where that quality is used to make suckers and fools out of people, there really is no honor in being "honorable".

 

[Mikey]

I found it :)

General rule of thumb about contracts, agreements, promises, etc: if you discover that there was/is manipulation involved in any agreement you have made (that is, the other party has manipulated you or lied to you, or used some psychological ploy to get you to agree), then that discovery, no matter how late it comes, reveals a breach of contract and you are justified in refusing to honor it.

Let me quote something I wrote a few years ago about the Cathar religion:

One of the more serious charges against the Cathars was their repugnance against swearing oaths. It's hard to understand this now, but it can be compared to the idea that a modern earthly contract has no binding power when issues of morality and ethics come into the picture. The swearing of oaths, especially oaths of fealty, was the contractual underpinning of a feudal society. It gave a "sacred weight" to the controllers of the hierarchy, the Catholic Church. If an individual broke an oath, he could be condemned by the authority of the Church to Hell. Kingdoms, estates, bonds of service, all were created, transferred, and maintained by the mediation of the Church. You could say that "swearing oaths" was medieval Corporatism.

The Cathars believed that linking the activities of business and government to the Divine was an exercise in Wishful Thinking if not out and out blasphemy. From their point of view, god was detached from such things and any idea that he was either interested, or cared about the business and government doings of human beings was a fanciful house of cards. For anyone to claim that they had the power to control human dealings by threatening the wrath of God just on their say-so was hubris in the extreme.

 

[anart]

I found it :)

That is the one on contracts, but the one Menna is talking about deals specifically with relationships and "honoring an agreement" even after it turns out that the person you're in a relationship with isn't the person they presented themselves to be, or has changed, etc.

 

[Beau]

Maybe this one:

Thing is, all the good things about decent humans who have a core of real empathy/conscience, are used mercilessly against us by pathological people whether they are born that way or made that way. The thing about "I gave my word" was the REAL BIG ONE for me about my former marriage. And being decent and honest. Those things really work and mean something when the other person is not manipulating (whether conscious or unconscious) but when the pathology comes into the picture, you just have to understand it's like a contract that was made by deception or coercion: it's not valid any longer as soon as you discover that the other party was not being honest up front. And that's whether they were capable or not - doesn't matter. Once you know the score, all agreements made in ignorance are null and void.

 

[anart]

I think that might be the one.