looking for change - motivation

[artemesia]

Bud,
Funny you bring up attention. Just recently I did something that my partner made me realize that I am in need of attention. After thinking about it, yes I did what I did FOR attention, however, I think I secretly want attention. I am not sure how to explain this (and I know you are meaning a different attention when you say this but you brought up the word...). I definitely want to be secretive, not have people notice me, kind of hide. BUT...I do want to be noticed and be recognized for some things. It definitely stems from childhood (blah, blah, blah). I felt I was never heard. I think that is why my Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde comes out when I drink. I am normally a quiet person. Growing up I was never listened to so I decided to become shy. As a kid, I remember my family scolding me for talking too much at around 5 years old. No one listened. So at some point I just shut up. I had things to say but no one would listen. Now, one of my biggest pet peeves is when I want to say something and someone overtalks me. I don't have the power to overtalk them. They just overpower me. I HATE IT!!! It makes me so angry. I hate being interrupted. Because I am introverted and shy, I feel that when I actually want to say something they should let me talk. But I get overpowered everytime. This infuriates me. And perhaps this is why I am so loud when I am drinking. I just want to be heard. I am very self conscious. I feel like I don't know what I am talking about. So now I just don't talk. I know this isn't exactly what you were meaning, Bud, with "attention" but the word just brought up something for me so I had to say something. I am powerless and that is why I had turned to drinking because it made me feel strong. Strong enough to take on others that deminish me. Does that make sense? I WANT TO CHANGE!!! I WANT to take my power back rather than giving it away!!! I don't want to be that "Sue" in the last transcripts who is just mean and taking everyone's energy. That Sue who won't or can't change.

Tonight what called my attention was the absolute beautiful snow falling. Pretty much a blizzard happened in a few hours. I went outside and took pictures. Just absolute beauty is what calls my attentions. I do love to write. It is how I can communicate. Even if it is only with myself. If I have to truly communicate with someone, I will at times write because my verbal communication is nonexistent for the most part. But I have weird addictions that cause me to "sleep". Strangely enough, and I feel weird admitting this on here but I just feel I have to come out with everything in order to change, I am addicted to TV. I feel that if I am on here to change and am so open and willing to see life differently than the "average person" then TV would be killed. TV is my escape. I have had TV as my babysitter since I was a child. It soothes me. But I know it keeps me from progressing. It helps me escape my mind. I have always felt my mind is my worst enemy. I guess I admit this to you because I want you to know that I honest to god want to change!!!! I don't want to be looked upon as someone who won't change, who accepts life as it is. I am hitting rock bottom. I know time is spinning faster and faster every moment. I actually find it embarrassing to admit that I'm addicted to TV. I'm also addicted to gluten. I guess I just have an addictive personality. But what is it about addiction? I know what is right and what is wrong. And about moderation with things. If I know what is killing me (physically, mentally, spiritually) then why would I just keep on doing it over and over and over again????

Thank you for allowing me to talk. It's hard for me to open up like this with strangers. I'd rather just hermit myself but it's so very time to take control. I need to find my own power. I am going to keep on keeping on with what I have started. This alone, writing to you, is very tremendous and fundamental in my transformation. All I can think of is baby steps and just thinking of today. I did get that from the AA meetings. Just for today. Just for the next 24 hours. I do know this is where I am supposed to be. Reaching out to you.

 

[Seraphina]

Sometimes it can be easier to open up to strangers...you don't have to worry about maintaining their preconceived notions of you or hurt feelings.

 

[Buddy]

Hi artemisia.
I can relate to many things you've said. When I was very young, I learned shyness because I was often self-conscious about the attention I DID receive. Sometimes certain people I wanted to give attention to were not interested. When I entered my teen years, my voice got very deep and it took the practice of paying attention to the feedback from others to realize I was just a boring talker. In fact, the thing that aggravated me the most was what you mentioned concerning people 'overtalking' you. At one time, I couldn't stand it either. When I became a self-observer, I became sensitive to my own reactions and came to see the unconscious rudeness in people who overtalk others and talk way too much so that you can't get a word in edgewise or even interrupt them for a break. People can engage your attention for extended periods of time and when you become sensitive to it, you can actually feel yourself being drained of energy - being lulled to sleep so-to-speak.

Of course, this works both ways. We all do it to each other and from the point of view of the 'conditioned self', it's completely normal. That's why some control over attention is good to have. It lets us conserve energy and reduce some automatism in our reactions. There's much work to do, but it starts with self-observation, so you can learn more about the habits, routines, and other things you do as if you were running programs.

Some people loudly proclaim that they want to change, when in reality, all they are looking for is a bit of relief from whatever is currently bothering them. When they find that relief, they go back to their old habits because the pull of conditioned habits seems very strong. After all, these habits had some use or they wouldn't exist right?

If you've really had enough and want to do a little something, I would recommend re-reading the Wave series; especially the section I'm linking to in the below quote. It will answer those questions you just asked:

But what is it about addiction? I know what is right and what is wrong. And about moderation with things. If I know what is killing me (physically, mentally, spiritually) then why would I just keep on doing it over and over and over again????

This is a mix of relevant excerpts:

[quote author=http://www.cassiopaea.org/cass/wave13h.htm]

In the online Wave, Laura talks about addiction.
Writes Laura:
"I have made the statement that we are made addicts inside our own skins.
And, I am fairly certain that most people reading that remark are quite certain that they are not! Especially if they are careful of their diet and habits of mental and physical hygiene.
But, I say again: we are made addicts inside our own skins.
And, what's more, we are addicted to our emotions.
Curiously, the ones who resist that idea most strenuously are very much like an alcoholic who vigorously and vehemently declares that he is NOT an alcoholic."

The experiments with rats implanted with electrodes proved that the rats would work to exhaustion and solve incredibly complex mazes and so forth; not because they love learning, but because of the repetitive actions that provide the pleasure stimulus.

"In humans, the actions that release the chemicals stimulate the same part of the brain that makes the rats so happy. Our bodies have a lot of "do-it-again" chemicals that can and do act on the "do-it-again" receptor sites all over the body."

According to Laura, "By having such a "pleasure system" in our bodies, we have a built in reward system by which we can be manipulated to pursue any number of activities that may or may not be good for us; mostly based on - you guessed it - early imprinting. And, we are generally unaware of it; we simply engage in certain behaviors because it "feels good" and we want to do them "again." We were rewarded for them as infants and small children, and we constantly seek that "programmed behavior" in order to receive the reward. Never mind that our early programming may have been for behaviors that completely block the true expression of our "essence," or that they are based on "fairy tales" or unrealistic perceptions of life."
Paraphrase:
Psychologist Barbara De Angelis writes about people pursuing "love" and gives examples of the decline of the initial attraction and infatuation that leaves one brought back down to earth with challenging realities. This tends to show that our beliefs can determine, not only what we see and don't see, but the actions we take in the pursuit of the emotions which stimulate us.

"It is in working memory that "conscious feelings" occur. In working memory, three things come together to create conscious feeling: present stimuli, activation of the amygdala in some way and activation of conscious memory in the hippocampus.

Present stimuli might include standing inside a church. This would arouse the amygdala so that the unconscious memories of the many experienced in church - the flooding of the receptors with neurochemicals; and this would activate conscious memory of the last time you were in church, or several memorable times will pass through the mind. When all these things come together in working memory, with the body now activated with chemistry and past history, this is perceived as "feeling."

The same thing can occur in any kind of encounter as we have already described. Something that is present now will turn on the chemicals which will arouse conscious memories that are related to those chemicals, and then the present moment will be interpreted in those same terms.

Since what we are looking at here is the fact that unconscious, chemical imprints, have a much greater ability to influence thinking than vice versa, we realize that we are face to face with an age-old debate between reason and emotion, logic and passion, knowledge and faith.

When you are aroused emotionally whether by fear or pleasure or sexual attraction, it is a cold hard fact that emotion dominates thinking.

That doesn't even include the effects of "drugs".

Laura:
"Alcohol and other drugs have the ability to do what they do in our systems because they act because they are "fixed;" they are synthetic ligands; they bind to our receptors and, in various ways, produce their effects.
...
Now, drugs "short circuit" these centers.
...
When we take certain drugs, our brain acts as if the "natural" neurotransmitter were flooding the system. The brain thinks we have done something really great such as finding food or warmth while, in reality, we may be hunkered down in a flophouse with a hypodermic of heroin in our arm. Our pleasure centers know only that they are bathed in chemical bliss."[/quote]


Have you checked out the EE program? It will help you deal with all this.

There is a lot of helpful information here and tools to help you deal with everything. There is a light at the end of the tunnel but you may have to take things one step at a time. :)