Love?

[i-llogica]

This post is kind of personal but I needed some guidance from you guys...

It's been a long time since I've introduced myself and haven't been posting since then because I was going thru a lot of processing and trying to understand...
Now there is this one thing... In the Cassiopeaen experience they explain about love is light is knowledge is love.
I do not pretend to get the deeper sense of this 'new' or accurate view about love but what I did get is what it's not.
So I put this to fit in my personal life and realize that I'm married to someone for the only simple reason that I do not want to be alone and that i do not feel capable to handle my son(from an other father) by myself. Maaaannnn that's hard!!!!

So now I could say that I stop it all here get separated andso... but ... It also seems that this guy who happens to be my husband has no idea of this all, does not even has a clue of what is really going on and is prepared to give his life for his family. the least I could say is that he is completely giving himself away for me and the kid.

How the hell do I handle this? At one side I could never be dishonest with myself knowing that what I feel is not true Love but only a picture of what i would like it to be...
At the other hand, do I have the right to come and distroy someone's life with the only reason that I changed my mind because I got it all wrong.

what is important to know here is that i am willing to do whatever to walk the path of Truth, but I also want to be responsible for the sake of my child... so it's all very confusing!

Has someone been thru this? Or maybe an objective opinion? because it is obvious that on this one I can't bring any objectivity by myself....

aouchhhh :/

:D Thank you in advance
Daphnée

 

[Menna]

I have only been in one relationship but there are 0 replies here and I feel compelled to respond being that you have just came to a life changing realization.

This is just my view of your current situation don't take it as an absolute as the answer. Just some advice.

The first thing that comes to mind is ... Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

You married for security/support like many do. That doesn't mean that you have to turn around and end your marriage.

If you wan't to walk the path of truth then I think you know what to do. The hardest thing and right thing are usually the same.

Talk to your husband. Now that you have realized the illusion of your marriage and want to change your situation I think you should let him know.

But on the other side of the coin why can't you work towards your new found definition of love with this man. Is he tender and caring, are you the same to him, is he patient with you and your son. Are you intimate with him, do you feel supported and close to him, do you support him and are you close to him? Just because you realized you married for a reason that is STS love doesnt mean that you can't work towards STO love now.

Talk to him tell him why/how you came to this relization, what you now know about love, how you want to love. You can still work together.

There is also a post on this forum about what love is and is not along with a beautiful bow and arrow analogy... I looked for it but can't find it if I come across it I will post it for you and book mark it for myself

 

[Knobbingham]

Dear friend,

Your story resonated deeply with me, because my mother was in a similar state. Please consider your child and how he perceives the situation. No child would want to see its parents separate but it is a better solution, as opposed to having the child endure verbal and/or physical animosity between the two most powerful figures in his world.

 

[anart]

Talk to your husband. Now that you have realized the illusion of your marriage and want to change your situation I think its only far to let him know.

Talk to him tell him why/how you came to this relization, what you now know about love, how you want to love. You can still work together.

I don't think it's really fair to tell him this so that Daphnee feels better. Her husband has done nothing wrong that we know of, so if the relationship as it is works (no, it may not be true love but few are) then it's up to Daphnee to act in an externally considerate manner and be responsible for her choices and behavior.

Daphnee, you've not really made it clear what you want to do about this relationship and whether or not the relationship is working for the most part. No two situations are alike and the devil is in the details, so if we are to help, we need more details.

 

[Average Joe]

This information can shake your perception of the world up a bit, so I would recommend letting it settle in for a while before making any hasty decisions. There is no imperative reason to break up your marriage. You may see things differently 6 months down the road.
If truth is love, maybe you need to talk to him about some of the changes you are going through. I went through the same thing just recently and found that talking about it with my wife made a big difference (even though I thought she wouldn't understand).
I've always had trouble verbalizing my thoughts and emotions, so I tend to keep them to myself. This doesn't make for an intimate relationship and I've suffered the resulting self imposed isolation. Even though I was sure my wife would think I was cracked, she didn't. She knows me better than I give her credit for.
Besides, all marriages go through their ups and downs. I've been emotionally divorced and remarried numerous times in our 30 years of marriage. It's just the nature of the beast.

 

[nobodyslave]

Hi Daphnee,

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but sometimes major changes are needed in our lives in order to gain some perspective and then make choices based on what we have learned (OSIT). I agree with Anart that more information is needed from you for any accurate advice to be offered, however I hope you might gain some insight from my experience.

I was in a situation with my husband seven years ago. I was going through depression as we had just lost our house, and were in considerable debt as a result from a failed business franchise we had purchased twelve months earlier. On top of this we also had our two children within that year (13 months apart). So from these dramatic changes, our relationship wore the brunt of the fallout, and we both became emotionally numb. We were no longer close and my husbands behaviour towards me was bordering on offensive. I knew something had to be done as our children were so young and I didn't want them growing up with two parents who could not stand to be in the same room together, we hadn't got to that stage yet but that's the direction we were headed.

I spoke to my husband on a number of occasions to tell him how I felt and what we could do to improve our relationship. I suggested a marriage councillor, but he would have none of that. The situation didn't improve, in fact it became worse. I told him that if things didn't change, I would be leaving with the kids. At this point I didn't know if I loved him or not as I was emotionally shut off, and now I know he was to. I was also dependant on him for everything, in hindsight I know this was not fair on him. I knew it would be hard to leave, but it was getting to the stage, where it was harder to stay, mainly because of the way I felt about myself (although I didn't know it at the time).

Well no effort was made to improve things (by either of us), and I knew I had to go to get some perspective and hopefully salvage what was left of our marriage. So one day I told him I was leaving. That by far was the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. I packed up our things and moved in with my mum and (step)Dad. I hated taking the kids from him, but I was the main caregiver at the time and they were only 6 and 19 months old. I told him he had access to the kids any time, as I wanted them to be close to their Father and vice versa.

Eventually after the dust settled we began talking regularly on the phone, mainly about the kids, and his job. We were still friends, which is what I wanted, he had them every second weekend and whenever he needed. I still didn't know if I loved him or not as I was still suffering from depression, however I was improving. After nine months I left my parents place and moved into a place of my own with the kids. I got into my own routine, and started up my own business doing what I know and love. Thankfully this time allowed me to gain some Independence (I had always been in a relationship since I left school) and claw myself out of the black hole I was in. The support from my Mum and family gave me some stability which was necessary at the time.

18 months after we separated we still had a strong friendship, I was starting to feel for him again but was still not sure if it was love. Then one day I was having lunch with a close friend, and I realised during our conversation that I did love my husband even with his faults, and I wanted to share my life with him. I missed the good times we had together before all this crap with the business, money and the house affected us. We weren't emotionally mature enough to handle it all, and this time apart was what we both needed to regain our equilibrium. I was happy and independent on my own, I had a close group of friends, two great kids, a loving family, and my own business that was growing. I knew I could do this by myself if I had to, but given the choice I wanted to share it all with him.

Thankfully he felt the same way. He also had became a stronger person during the separation, and realised what was important in life, his family, and was ashamed of his attitude towards me prior to the separation. We eventually started "dating" and moved back together two years after the separation. We are still together five years later and have never been closer. I wouldn't change who he is for anything, I know and love him unconditionally and I know he feels the same way towards me. Thinking back I'm not sure we would still be together if I hadn't left, we were headed for divorce if the path we were on hadn't changed.
Our kids are now almost 8 and 9 years old, and they remember very little of the separation, although they are aware that for a few years Mummy and Daddy didn't live together.

I'm not sure on the exact situation with your husband, and nobody can tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I married for similar reasons as you've stated. Not wanting to be alone, as I had always been in a relationship. I was codependent and had high expectations of him that he didn't fulfill, once again, it was not fair on him, and certainly not a great foundation for a marriage. However with time and a major shift in perspective we have come a long way. It was difficult, and painful for both of us, but so worth it now.

I hope this helps, even just a little. please know I feel what you are going through, I've been through it all and have come out of it a much stronger person. It definitely pays to be honest with yourself, don't see him as a means to complete who you are, instead as someone who you can share your life and experiences with. To truly love someone is to know them completely, and to love them unconditionally warts and all, but I believe this is impossible to do if you cannot feel the same about yourself.

I would like to leave you with a link to a story called "The missing piece meet the big O" Originally a children's book by Shel Silverstein it is now an animation on you tube. I think it sums up my perspective on relationships, and helped me see mine in a different light.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCmZ2jrQooE

Good Luck.

 

[i-llogica]

hello there and thank you all for your responses!

I have been thinking a lot and trying to pull the puzzle apart and put it back together so i could analize very well the situation.

this is whhat i found out, the devil really is in the detail!!

the reason why i do not like this relationship is because i realized that my husband at this point is the most faithfull mirror of myself!

So, yes we do not share tru and deep real love, but i am incapable of that for now. he is too but he is very devoted for the family and so it kind of worked untill now. still I do feel like this is a trap. I feel that evolution of perception of the self is a hard work and his presence helps because of the mirroring. For now i do not really understand why i feel trapped by him. I mean, I do not know if it is some distorted personnality of mine who's only desire is to destroy or if what I feel is is honest and comes from deep inside.

A good friend of mine and shaman told me this; most of the time the answer to our questions is inside our question. and so the answer is so obvious that we are incapable to accept it.


Then I tried to let the days pass by, always trying to put all the attention on what he says and what he really means and what there was to learn out of this. THAT worked greatly but just when I thought we solved our arguing problem he spoke some really mean words to my son and I! this words are full of hate and disgrace. then again we are to point zero and this is how it goes for 3 years now.

What is this? Tests for me? To see if I can handle? If at the end we are just robots acting out of control I can never blame him, but do I really have to keep infinite compassion and accept all what happens here? Even if it hurts my son? I must say this is the first time that he has been so meen and hatefull to us but in reality if I look back in time, this kind of situations are slowly but shurly escalating.


It is hard to give objective details for i am in the middle of the situation and only can give the view of the eyes that are looking at them at this time and to be honest, just as I do not trust anyone right now, I do not trust myself neather.

Sorry if I can not give the necessary details, but go ahead and ask what you need to know... I will respond.

 

[Mikey]

I have been thinking a lot and trying to pull the puzzle apart and put it back together so i could analize very well the situation.

It is obvious in your last post that you have been thinking a lot about it. However, you can't think with the way you think, especially when you are in an emotionally charged situation. You write: "We are", "He is", "I am", "I feel" etc. But all of this is your interpretation (subjective), and you don't share what actually happened (objective).

Sorry if I can not give the necessary details, but go ahead and ask what you need to know... I will respond.

Unfortunately that is not how it works here. You are in a position to report facts, whereas other members of this forum aren't. The quality of feedback depends on the quality of provided data.

It is hard to give objective details for i am in the middle of the situation and only can give the view of the eyes that are looking at them at this time and to be honest, just as I do not trust anyone right now, I do not trust myself neather.

If you don't trust anyone, why do you bother to ask for advice here?