Making and Keeping an Aim

[webglider]

I have come to the point in my life where I really want to be of service - and I'm really clear about what type of service I wish to contribute and to whom I wish to offer it.

However, having said that, I'm running into my own mechanicalness, (no surprise there), which is rendering me less effective.

So I went back to The Glossary and looked up "Aim" http://glossary.cassiopaea.com/glossary.php?id=91&lsel=A
and found this section which directly speaks to what I'm up against in achieving my goals.

Question What must I do?

Answer: There are two kinds of doing - automatic doing, and doing according to aim. Take a small thing which you now are not able to do, and make this your aim, your God. Let nothing interfere. Only aim at this. Then, if you succeed in doing this, will be able to give you a greater task. Now you have an ap-to do things too big for you. This is an abnormal appe-tite. You can never do these things, and this appetite keeps you from doing the small things you might do. Destroy this appetites forget big things. Make the breaking of a small habit your aim.

Okay, so as I understand this, if I can achieve this "small thing", I can do the "big things" which Gurdieff states can never be done until I can do this one, "small" thing.

So here is my aim: My Aim is to put my keys, and the dog's leash in the same place every time I come into the house so I can free myself from the drama of running around looking for the keys and the dog's leash.

Now, for every Aim there is an obstacle: one of my many obstacles is the dog himself. My dog is a former shelter rescue dog who has serious abandonment issues. I too have serious abandonment issues. Thus when I enter the house after an absence, (even the shortest absence), the dog throws himself at me crying piteously, jumps in the air, lands on his two hind legs, and jumps again.

Now, because I think I understand how the dog feels, I am very solicitous of him. I "understand" how anxious he was that I would never return. I imagine him having a flashback to the time he was a stray, and I feel the utmost pity for him. I try to navigate the narrow hallway without stepping on the dog who is vocalizing hysterically, and I imagine he's telling me how frightened he was that he'd be abandoned again. At some point I have successfully passed through the hallway and come to a chair somewhere where I sit until he settles down at which point life goes on in the manner that we consider "normal" in our house.

At some later point, however, I have to walk the dog, and that is when I realize that I don't know where I've put the keys or his leash. Nor can I count on the certainty that if I find one, I will find the other. No. I have found the leash tangled around the legs of a chair, on a shelf, in a cubby, on the kitchen counter or any other unremembered place. Meanwhile the key could be anywhere. Also, it often happens that at times I will find the keys, but distracted by the dog's hysteria which manifests when he recognizes all the signs that lead him to believe that I will be exiting with him in tow ), I often unconsciously put the keys down in a place I can't remember when I finally find the leash.

Okay. Not only does this continual drama sap energy, but it definitely undermines my credibility with my daughter when I yell at her to be more organized.

I'm even reading a book entitled, "It's Hard To Make A Difference When You Can't Find Your Keys," by Marilyn Paul, Ph.D. The problem is that often I can't find the book.

So as a result of all the energy I'm losing trying to become more organized, I'm focusing on this one thing: putting the keys and the leash in the same place every time I come home.

Never again do I want to have one of my neighbors take pity on my dog who is being walked with one of my scarves threaded through his collar to the point that she takes it upon herself to thrust a leash into my hands insisting, "Take it!"

I did lose this leash as well as the other one after that both at the same time, and hoped that I wouldn't run into my neighbor again when I resorted to walking the dog with a scarf threaded through his collar once again.

So, as I'm writing this, it's become increasingly clear to me how much energy I'm losing over just this one thing.

And this is just one thing!

Gurdjieff was right. So, once again, My Aim is to put my keys and the dog's leash in the same place everytime I enter the house. This has become, as Gurdieff suggests, "My God".

If I can do this, I can do anything.

 

[tridean]

Hi Webglider,
Thanks for sharing. Your forgetfulness and misplacement issues remind me of my wife.

I started an experiment only 3 months ago where by I wanted to see if I could create a habit.

I started with a glass and metal object. The exercise was that once a day in the morning simply to remove the object from the glass, or if it was outside, put it back in.

After two months, with the use of google calendar reminders, I only twice remembered to do it before being prompted by the google calendar.

I decided to then use emotion, i.e. knowing that habits' strength comes from emotions attached to them.

I then changed the task to one where I am to kiss and tickle my youngest son every morning before prompting. In three weeks I have only forgotten three times (out of 18), to kiss and tickle him before the prompt of my calendar.

Obviously the emotional element makes the forming of the habit stronger, which obviously means the breaking of strong emotionally driven habits harder.

So I am assuming that it is important that an aim must have some emotional factor to it, and in your case this seems it is the case

Looking forward to hearing your progress
Dean

 

[webglider]

Looking forward to hearing your progress

Well, unfortunately, I misplaced the keys and the leash earlier this morning which made me change the locations of each.

A few moments ago, afer I returned from walking the dog, I realized that I had neither returned the leash nor the keys to their new locations.

This is quite disturbing, actually, as returning things to their proper places seems like such a basic and simple thing to do.

I think that the reason I've been so unsuccessful at this task is that I lose focus as soon as I get in the house.

Obviously the emotional element makes the forming of the habit stronger, which obviously means the breaking of strong emotionally driven habits harder.

So I am assuming that it is important that an aim must have some emotional factor to it, and in your case this seems it is the case

I don't think that I have any emotional attachment that motivates me to keep misplacing my keys and the dog's leash, or, if I do, it's underneath awareness. Perhaps I dissociate when I walk in the house, and am off in some La La Land which doesn't exist. In fact, what does exist are the negative emotions which kick in the moment I realize that I have misplaced the keys and leash yet again and can't find them, and sometimes I give those negative emotions -frustration and anger - expression which makes everything worse.

Perhaps, at one time, I may have thought that this was a little think, a quirk, or "Just the way I am", but now I'm realizing how much of my life is spent doing things mechanically. It's as though I'm not really there. So where am I? And how can I carry out the three really important Aims I've set for myself if I don't succeed in accomplishing the Aim of returning my keys and the dog's leash to the same place each time I return home?

This situation I'm now confronting really brings home Gurdjieff's point that man as he is can do nothing. So this is not about the misplaced objects - it's about the quality of my Being and the way I conduct myself in the world.

This whole scenario is making me look at myself, or, since I obviously don't have a unified self, at the group of little i's that may be responsible for many of the ways I sabotage myself.

 

[PepperFritz]

Hi webglider:

I think that the above posts provide important clues as to what the "emotional" problem behind the keys/leash issue might be. And why you may have settled on that issue as your "aim". I suspect that on some level you know that it's more about just being disorganized, and that it is a rather significant issue on several levels.

Speaking as someone who has come to recognize the same "problem" in myself, it seems clear that you "over-identify" with your dog. To you, he is not just your animal companion, he is a here-and-now version of your own abandoned inner-child, a way for you to "make things all better" for the abandoned child that you used to be. However, he's not you; he's an animal with his own needs, none of which are related to the needs you seek to fill through your daily psycho-drama with him. As with humans, we also have to practice External Consideration towards our animal companions.

Do you ever watch The Dog Whisperer? Caesar Milan talks about how we animal-lovers have a tendency to project human characteristics and needs onto our animal companions, and sometimes in the process neglect their true needs (and our own!). It is not in your dog's best interests to exacerbate his abandonment issues, and yet Caesar would suggest that that is exactly what your returning-home routine with him is doing. You believe that you are reassuring him, but in fact you are encouraging/habituating his anxiety. Although for many practical reasons you wish he would not behave the way he does when you arrive home, on another level it pleases you because you interpret it as him showing his love for you and his need and appreciation of your love for him.

Caesar teaches that it is not a "natural" state of mind for dogs to feel that kind of anxiety. The best thing we humans can do for our dogs is to help them achieve what Caesar calls a "calm, submissive state", as that is their natural state within a wild pack. As their "pack leader", we need to discipline ourselves to project a "calm, assertive state" around our dogs, because that is what they NEED in order to feel SECURE. But for most of us that FEELS like we are not being caring towards our dogs.

Caesar's mantra is "exercise and discipline, then affection", in that order. However, when YOU enter the door, you are giving your dog affection first and foremost. Caesar's approach to "correcting" the problem in your household would be to start by setting up a barrier of some kind between the front door and your dog, say, a dog gate between the front hallway and the livingroom (or kitchen, or however your home is set up). That would give you the necessary time and "space" in which to put your keys in their proper place and ensure that you know where the leash is, before being distracted by the dog jumping all over you. He would then suggest that you (and this is the hard part!) refrain from talking to or even acknowledging your dog until he calms down. Only then do you reward him with affection and attention. When you return from your walk with the dog, discipline the dog to remain quietly tied outside on the porch for a few minutes before coming in, to, again, give you time and space to put things in their proper place. Then, only when he (and those humans who are going to greet him on your return) are CALM, do you let him into the house to receive affection.

But, of course, EXCERCISE is the key; lack of vigorous exercise (and thus the opportunity to expend excess energy) is the cause of 95% of of all dog behaviour problems. Do you exercise your dog to the point of tiredness before you leave for work in the morning? If not, it's no wonder he's bouncing off the walls when you get home. And does he get an equally invigorating session after work? We have a saying in my house: "A tired dog is a good dog". And it is very true. You absolutely MUST give your dog a minimum amount of exercise per day, and you must give it to him on a consistent, routine basis. If you are not able to do that, you are really not in a position to keep a dog, and will only continue to have problems with his behaviour -- which Caesar would suggest is really a problem with YOUR behaviour. As he repeatedly says: "I rehabilitate dogs, and I train people".

Over time the dog will begin to feel secure within the consistent routine you discipline yourself to keep with him. He will also learn that a calm, submissive state of mind is what will earn him affection, and you will be able to get rid of the dog-gate and the tying-up-outside-the-front-door routine. He will be a happier dog, and YOU will have achieved your AIM, which will have so many more benefits than you ever could have imagined.

:)

 

[webglider]

Thanks Pepperfritz for your thoughtful and detailed post. Although some of it applies, the devil is, as always, in the details.

The dog is an old dog, and very sick with a heart condition along with a number of other health issues. We walk a lot, at a slow pace, quite a few times a day unless it's really hot at which point I take him for a long walk in the morning and evening following his vet's advice.

But the main point is that the dog never calms down. When I leave the house, he cries until I return. If I go into another room, he cries until I come out.My neighbors say that they can tell whenever I'm not home by whether or not they hear the dog's cries.

He's very calm when I'm with him. In fact, I saw the woman who signed him over to me from the shelter who said that he is much calmer since he was adopted which was just a few months ago.

I live in the city, in an apartment building so if I tie him to my doorknob to leave him sobbing, I'd have all my neighbors on my case as well as a hyper-hysterical dog. If I tie him up outside the apartment building, there is a good chance he may be kidnapped to be used as bait for pitbull fights or ransom. That's been happening to little dogs around here.

With all due respect to Caesar Milan, I have to say that his strategies would not work for me. Just as I did not believe in letting my daughter cry herself out when she was an infant, I don't see the point of not responding to the dog when he is greeting me however frenzied that greeting may be. It takes less than a minute for him to calm down.

But the major point is that the distraction that I described is not the fault of the dog. I was like this before the dog. And I would like to think that, no matter what the circumstances may be, I will be able to keep my focus.

Perhaps I am projecting some of my childhood issues onto him, but it seems to me that an old dog as he is, and a formerly abandoned dog as he was may have emotional issues. People who know dogs have told me that rescue dogs make the best pets because they don't take anything for granted.

In any case, I don't take him for granted. As old and sick as he is, I know that he won't be with us for that long.
I feel very grateful that we found each other.

 

[anart]

For what it's worth, webglider, I think what you've explained makes perfect sense. I also think you are undergoing quite a useful and informative experiment with your leash/keys project. It can be quite startling to realize how divided our awareness is - and how incapable we are of controlling it (at least easily and consistently). Once we really grok this, we can move forward toward improving it with resolve.

 

[shellycheval]

Webglider your concern and empathy for your dog are a beautiful display of a loving and generous spirit and I applaud you. Empathy for other entities is as we know, one of the highest human emotions. But with that said, I have to back Pepperfritz 100% on her reading of your situation. For all but two of my fifty five years I have lived with and cared for animals--many animals. I have learned that our animal companions function as near perfect mirrors for our own inner conditions.

They mirror back our emotional states with uncanny precision and when we are in tune with and able to process our emotions in a functional manner then our animals will seem to miraculously change their behaviors as well. I've experienced this with horses, dogs, cats and birds. I have learned to watch how people interact with their animals (and children) to see truths about who they really are more quickly than can be discerned by human only communication.

Webglider

With all due respect to Caesar Milan, I have to say that his strategies would not work for me.

It seems to me that until you have researched his techniques and gained knowledge of his processes then this sounds like denial to me.

Webglider

Just as I did not believe in letting my daughter cry herself out when she was an infant,

Of course not. On this I agree with you, but, sorry to be so blunt, your daughter is not a dog--she has a different psychology and many different emotional needs from canines.

Webglider

I don't see the point of not responding to the dog when he is greeting me however frenzied that greeting may be.

You are responding when you do nothing but radiate a calm energy that reassures him that you are in control of what he sees as his "pack" then he can relax and feel safe and feel like he does not have to take control of the situation--his is old and feeling like he is living in an uncontrolled environment is stressful for him. His needs are different from humans (in their priorities) and until you can meet them, he will try to control you.

Webglider

It takes less than a minute for him to calm down.

?Then how is there all the drama generated that you have described? If the situation is calm in less than a minute then how do you become so distracted that you lose your keys and the leash?

Webglider

But the major point is that the distraction that I described is not the fault of the dog. I was like this before the dog.

Precisely ;)

Webglider

And I would like to think that, no matter what the circumstances may be, I will be able to keep my focus.

Don't we all! Knowing something intellectually is different from being able to manifest it in our lives--I struggle daily to remind myself that every interaction/communication I make with my animal and human friends teaches us all something either negative or positive.

Webglider

Perhaps I am projecting some of my childhood issues onto him, but it seems to me that an old dog as he is, and a formerly abandoned dog as he was may have emotional issues.

You have already addressed this yourself--

I too have serious abandonment issues. Thus when I enter the house after an absence, (even the shortest absence), the dog throws himself at me crying piteously, jumps in the air, lands on his two hind legs, and jumps again. Now, because I think I understand how the dog feels, I am very solicitous of him. I "understand" how anxious he was that I would never return. I imagine him having a flashback to the time he was a stray, and I feel the utmost pity for him.

This is projection--your emotions onto his; while animals remember the past and are affected by it they tend to focus much more on the present and live in the moment than we poor humans who are tormented/blessed with abstract thinking abilities.

Our animals are some of our best teachers--they mirror us the truth we need to see without guile and with complete forgiveness. I have observed that certain animals come into our lives at the time we need to learn lessons that they are particularly able to teach us. We have only to be willing to learn from them. Knowledge protects.
shellycheval

 

[webglider]

Then how is there all the drama generated that you have described? If the situation is calm in less than a minute then how do you become so distracted that you lose your keys and the leash?

That's the point of the Aim. I'm trying to pinpoint the cause of the distraction. It's not the dog, it's me.

As a result of Pepperfritz's and your comments, I'm revisiting the info I read when I first adopted the dog. It's true what you're both saying - I've forgotten the behaviors that dogs exhibit when they're moving into alpha mode. I do pet him when he asks, and I do play with him when he initiates a game of catch by bringing me the ball.

I don't let him go through doors first, and I don't let him get ahead of me when we walk, so I would rate myself about a 50% in maintaining the alpha role in the relationship. I also researched the causes of his anxiety when I leave, so I am paying more attention to my own behavior in making him feel secure by maintaining the alpha role.

But ultimately, my Aim is to remember to put the keys and the leash down in the designated spot as soon as I come in the door. Unfortunately, this morning, I failed again.

 

[PepperFritz]

But ultimately, my Aim is to remember to put the keys and the leash down in the designated spot as soon as I come in the door. Unfortunately, this morning, I failed again.

Are you able to "recreate" the thoughts, concerns, emotions, etc. that you have from the point that you get out of your car (and/or approach your apartment building), go up the elevator, open your front door, interact with the dog, and finally sit down in your chair? Perhaps if you were to try to consciously remember them and post them here for us, we can get a better sense of where your attention/energy is "going", and suggest some steps you might take to "redirect"....?

 

[anart]

Are you able to "recreate" the thoughts, concerns, emotions, etc. that you have from the point that you get out of your car (and/or approach your apartment building), go up the elevator, open your front door, interact with the dog, and finally sit down in your chair? Perhaps if you were to try to consciously remember them and post them here for us, we can get a better sense of where your attention/energy is "going", and suggest some steps you might take to "redirect"....?

That's a good idea - it certainly seems as if something is triggering you to dissociate as you return home, or even as you approach home - might be quite worthwhile to find out what that is and why (assuming it's nothing too personally revealing for a public forum). I doubt it has anything at all to do with the dog or how you interact with him, at least in the present - but it certainly seems as if something is triggering you consistently.

 

[PepperFritz]

Something else to think about: Have you always had the tendency to "dissociate" upon arriving home? Is it something that started happening at some point in your adult life, or did it start when you were a kid? How do you feel about coming "home"? Is it a haven, or a source of tension and anxiety?

I provide this as an example from my own life, for illustration purposes only: I had an abusive stepfather who always came home angry and ready to take out his frustrations on us children. There was a "rule" that we all had to be "busy" in some way when he walked in the door, or there would be hell to pay. Therefore, we always had one ear cocked to hear his car coming into our gravel drive, so that we would not be "caught out". Years after I left home, even some time into my first marriage, I would still experience anxiety in my chest if I was sitting watching television and heard a car come into the driveway. My husband once asked me why I tensed up that way, like the cops were coming for me, and I really didn't know why. I was shocked to discover that I was unconsciously carrying residual behaviour/reactions from my childhood, but once I put two-and-two together, it went away.

As Anart says, there is no need to reveal anything personal on the forum, I'm just trying to throw up some things you might want to think about, that might help you make some connections....

 

[kenlee]

But ultimately, my Aim is to remember to put the keys and the leash down in the designated spot as soon as I come in the door. Unfortunately, this morning, I failed again.

I've been making an effort to meditate each day in the morning for about 30 minutes
but so far it hasn’t been consistent. One thing I’ve found when doing exercises like this is that I can identify with the exercise and become discouraged so hopefully when you say “failed again” it does not mean your discouraged. On the contrary I think the realization of how asleep we are can be encouraging since it gives a clearer picture to ourselves of our sleeping state and this emotional realization can bring in a new force that helps to continue with the exercise.

One thing that I am seeing a little more clearly (and its taken me a LONG time to get clearer glimpses of it) is that my emotions and body have a different language then the language of my mind and that my body must be spoken to in “body language” (thru, for example, muscle relaxation, physical discipline, etc) in order for it to understand me and I must better know my body's language to further understand it. Same with my emotions. My emotions must feel the horror of my sleeping state to the point where I feel that my very life depends on doing this exercise.

 

[Peam]

That's the point of the Aim. I'm trying to pinpoint the cause of the distraction. It's not the dog, it's me.

Yeah, unless you take the leash out with you even when you go out without the dog, then I don’t think the excited greeting is connected with misplacing it when you come in.
Am I right in thinking there’s no excited greeting when you come back after taking the dog for a walk?

do you regularly forget where you put other things, or is it just those two items?

Can I ask, do you regularly misplace other stuff as well and not just when you come home, and you’re just concentrating on these two items because as you said it’s a little aim, and you’re maybe not tying it to a more widespread problem of untidiness? I say this because I know a family who just drops virtually everything down anywhere, their home always looks like they’ve just been burgled, and it seems that they spend a lot of time searching for something they urgently need instead of keeping the place tidier. They have an eight year old girl who does the same because she's only doing exactly what she's learnt from them.

I not suggesting that’s true in your case, but I noticed you said how you shout at your daughter to be more organized, when it could be that it's you she's copying. Sort of like the faults we don’t like in someone else is usually our own faults as well?

 

[webglider]

Are you able to "recreate" the thoughts, concerns, emotions, etc. that you have from the point that you get out of your car (and/or approach your apartment building), go up the elevator, open your front door, interact with the dog, and finally sit down in your chair?

Good question. No, I can't. Not at all. I walk in the door, find myself somewhere in the apartment, and don't remember how I got there, or why.

That's a good idea - it certainly seems as if something is triggering you to dissociate as you return home, or even as you approach home - might be quite worthwhile to find out what that is and why

I never would have thought of doing this. The first thing that comes to mind is how sterile my childhood home was. The few friends who came over were always impressed about how "clean" my mother's house was. They used to say, "This is the cleanest and neatest house I've ever seen." Most of the time, though, we had no visitors. My mother's state of mind was connected to the degree of order in the house.

Something else to think about: Have you always had the tendency to "dissociate" upon arriving home? Is it something that started happening at some point in your adult life, or did it start when you were a kid? How do you feel about coming "home"? Is it a haven, or a source of tension and anxiety?

It was a place of tremendous tension and anxiety. Thanks Pepperfritz.You've given me a lot to think about. Yes, I always did have the tendency to dissociate upon arriving home.

One thing that I am seeing a little more clearly (and its taken me a LONG time to get clearer glimpses of it) is that my emotions and body have a different language then the language of my mind and that my body must be spoken to in “body language” (thru, for example, muscle relaxation, physical discipline, etc) in order for it to understand me and I must better know my body's language to further understand it.

Thank you for presenting this insight so clearly. I think I was beginning to have inklings of the connection, but only under the threshold of awareness so I wasn't awake enough to make use of it. In my case the mind and the emotions are locked together, and the body is completely ignored. As soon as I wrote the last sentence, I experienced a welling up of emotion - not sure what why - something to explore further.

Same with my emotions. My emotions must feel the horror of my sleeping state to the point where I feel that my very life depends on doing this exercise.

That's how I feel right now - as though my very life depends on waking up.

do you regularly forget where you put other things, or is it just those two items?

Can I ask, do you regularly misplace other stuff as well and not just when you come home, and you’re just concentrating on these two items because as you said it’s a little aim, and you’re maybe not tying it to a more widespread problem of untidiness? I say this because I know a family who just drops virtually everything down anywhere, their home always looks like they’ve just been burgled, and it seems that they spend a lot of time searching for something they urgently need instead of keeping the place tidier. They have an eight year old girl who does the same because she's only doing exactly what she's learnt from them.

I not suggesting that’s true in your case, but I noticed you said how you shout at your daughter to be more organized, when it could be that it's you she's copying. Sort of like the faults we don’t like in someone else is usually our own faults as well?

It's not just the leash and the keys - it's a lot of stuff that gets misplaced. I don't want to spend my time looking for things anymore, and I knew that I couldn't tackle everything at once, so I started with the keys and the leash. I was actually successful last night in remembering my aim and putting each article away in its designated place.

You're right about my the cause of my daughter's disorganization: she herself is aware of it, and of course, let's me know that I have no right to yell at her because I'm her model. She's one of the reasons that I have this aim.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to provide the insights and questions that are causing me to think more deeply about what's going on.

 

[PepperFritz]

Are you able to "recreate" the thoughts, concerns, emotions, etc. that you have from the point that you get out of your car (and/or approach your apartment building), go up the elevator, open your front door, interact with the dog, and finally sit down in your chair?

Good question. No, I can't. Not at all. I walk in the door, find myself somewhere in the apartment, and don't remember how I got there, or why.

Then perhaps your immediate aim should be to attempt to remain conscious of your thoughts, concerns, emotions, etc. as you are on your way home, since it appears that the dissociation begins long before you get to your front door. Perhaps you could place some kind of visual prompter in your car, like a piece of masking tape on your steering wheel with the words "WHAT ARE YOU FEELING?"....

My mother's state of mind was connected to the degree of order in the house.

Mmmmm, interesting. Your "state of mind" is also "connected to the degree of order in the house" -- or, in your case, "disorder". Are you unconsciously anticipating your home's "disorder" as you approach the house, and that somehow triggers feelings of anxiety at the effects that "disorder" will have on your mother's "state of mind" -- which causes you to dissociate? Like I was when I heard a car coming into the drive, are you emotionally transported back to the time in your childhood when "disorder" had far more serious "consequences" than they do now? How did your mother behave towards you when she was "unsettled" by disorder in her house -- angry, tense, unreasonable, scary? And how did that make you feel at the time? You mention that you "shout" at your daughter for being unorganized -- do you become your mother at those moments?

Something else to think about: I spent most of my adult life determined to be "not like my mother". This caused me to adopt behaviours that were not really "choices" on my part, but simply "reactions" against my mother. Examples: She was a narcissist who was excessively vain and conscious of her appearance; therefore I paid very little attention to my appearance, to the point of dowdiness. She was obssessive-compulsive about "tidiness" and "cleanliness"; therefore, I lived in a pig sty. Perhaps the disorder in your own house is also a "reaction" against your mother's behaviour, yet at the same time you feel conflicted about it. One of your little "I"s insists on living in disorder because it doesn't want to be like your mother. But another little "I" is constantly feeling anxious about it, worrying about the consequences, and struggles against the other little "I" to bring order to the chaos. They are at an impasse, working at cross purposes. And your "real I" needs to take charge, make CONSCIOUS CHOICES about what you want your home life to be like, based on what works best for YOU and your FAMILY -- not just let the unconscious/mechanical little "I"s constantly battle it out at cross purposes.

Again, just things to think about. Some may fit, some may not.... :)