Hello,
I would like to get some hints about few experiences which I had one and two years ago.
I have experienced state which was extraordinary and happened to me only few times in my life. This all below happened during course of personal development and one similar 7 years ago during catholic confession.
Experience one:
After course I came closer to tutor and ask him to help me out with my problem which was that feeling in my abdomen. Tension. He asked me what is that. I said that it is like one connected a battery to my belly and stick two electrodes into it and I feel like tension all the time. He told to pull that out. So I was pulling and feeling stupid about my being doing stupid things. It was not working so I said that. He said ok so lets try different. Maybe that is somebody there not something. I had imagined myself and some dark person standing in front of me and wrestle with me in some draw situation. Like no one is winning although I am pushing and he is pushing. He said that first me to imagine my safe place where I can feel secure and strong. I did that and than I was moving from that point (which was imagined staying in one part of the floor) and moving forward and closer to the dark person. I was getting closer and than stepping back when I felt anxiety. Finally I was very close to him and I could pass through him. I had not felt any fear than. So tutor asked me maybe now you do something with that. Who is he? Ask him. Maybe he is somebody you know or want to know. I got closer and hugged him (that imagined person). And I felt that state. First I was starting to laugh with some unbelieving that something I did and something is strangely changing in me and something is happening. I wanted to go outside. I laughed and cried loud. I didn’t care about what people could say. I was so moved that I wanted to allow myself to free that feeling to allow myself to feel what I feel and not to suppress anything. First I didn’t know what is going on I just felt that I need to allow something to let go. I laughed and cried. Laugh was very loud and cry was so deep. I felt so free. Like I would have found a treasure. It was a treasure that state.
Experience two:
There was a tutor who wanted the group in which I was to imagine meadow full of beautiful flowers with all colors of the rainbow, with green grass, sunshiny weather, beautiful sky etc. The meadow was mine. He wanted us to find a litters or garbage or dangerous objects which prevented us from running on it or which were like a not wanted on it. He wanted us to summon the person who was responsible for those damages and to ask him/her to make a clean up of the unwanted stuff. After that he said that there is a waterfall where we can go and take a bath. The water there was very unusual. It was mild and it could flow through the body and take all unwanted dirts from the body. After that he finished and I wanted him to help me to get rid of the black metal thing which I felt in my lower part of abdomen. He asked me to take it out and describe what that is and after to imagine the way how to destroy it. I ground that out on the virtual lathe and thrown that away. After he said to take the sun from him because it is my sun and to place it where I need, so I placed that in my abdomen. He said that it is warm not hot and good. I felt stupid in front of the group that I am making irrational things but because I felt tension for about one year in my lower abdomen (like something just above my pelvis) so I was really wanted to do something. I didn’t know the cause of it. I still do not know only some hypothesis. After placing the sun I started to laugh just a bit. I felt that I need to go out because something wanted to go out from me. I wanted to laugh more and to cry. So I went outside the hall and I cried like wild, I laughed like wild. The laughter was so strong and cry like I do not remember when I was in such a state. It was that state when I felt free. I was not afraid anything and anyone. I was (it is hard to describe that) but I was like in my heart. Something like my consciousness was in my heart. I felt when normally I think. I knew that I can think and I can go up for words but I had no needs in that state. I was so happy about crying and laughing. No words. Just being. And laughing and crying and feeling that I am now. That only now is. But no words. Now I am using words to describe. I thought after that even when I would have been homeless than I couldn’t care less. I was strong in that I am and I do not need anything. I was ready for everything. I felt like nothing can destroy this in what I am now to touch me or something. I am thinking now that that state in which I was I felt like I am giving just because I am and I can do something but even being was giving and I had no any compulsions to do something to say something to be somebody to adjust something. I felt like this what is, is right. It was lasting for an hour or something but IT had gone. Anyway some reference point remained which is: where I can be and how may I feel. It was big big WOW for me. State from experience two very very similar to experience number one.
And now question is how to come back to such a state. I want that. It was so beautiful.
Experience three:
Tutor was telling a story about us (the group). We were to imagine ourselves getting younger and younger and than going into our mother womb and than being born once again. I was also standing in that trance/ imagination like a father close to mother bearing myself in order to get the baby after birth. I took the baby-myself and I looked at him/me and I felt so sad because I was not loving him/me. I felt the need to go outside again and to cry. I was crying so much. I do not know how to describe. For me such a state is realy unusual. I spend like 90 percent of my life thinking: words, images, and mostly being in some daydream. Like stacked in thoughts. In prison of thoughts. Ok those are metaphors but that experiences were like leaving the prison for a while. I felt good being so sad. I felt so happy seeing finally how I was treating myself. And that it simply was so and maybe it will be like that. But at least again I think that I got some reference point in experience.
Experience four:
Story about a boy who lost his father at sea. Father was a sailor or fishermen. Was storm and he sunk together with his boat. Son decides to become a rescuer. He becomes a master in that. Finally he has some apprentices. One of apprentices is his favorite, he loves him like his own son who he does not have. In one action in storm they are almost finish rescuing people from a ship and when helicopter is taking off to the base they see that it is to heavy and going down. He and his pupil are hanging on the rope and teacher sees that it will not work and they will all die so he say goodbye to his boy and cut the rope and fall into the wild sea. He gave his life to other people.
After that I started to cry. I was crying and laughing. Again I felt that state.
Experience five;
Similar to number two but I was participating passively by listening in kind of therapy of my colleague on the course who had some problems with people. In the end tutor gave told my colleague to take the sun back from somebody who took it. He took it and placed in him. And when I did the same again I felt that state.
Experience six:
After confession I was crying. I felt that I got rid of something and I was really happy. I do not remember details but state was similar.
Maybe I had similar “breakthroughs” earlier but I do not remember.
I do not know why I feel that kind of “do not ask them, you will be like a ....” but I would like to ask you if you may answer or ask Cassiopeans for a hint.
What I am thinking is that all that have similar: two persons, finding lost thing or noticing something what was out of my normal daily focus,
Exp 1: removing fear, noticing somebody who I wanted to avoid meeting, facing reality and loving him
Exp 2: removing uncomfortable thing, replacing it by good, warm thing
Exp 3. noticing situation of lack of love, first noticing baby and than loving him and caring after him
Exp 4: filling the lack (of father) by helping other people in need, giving life to another people
I do not know how to think about those experiences. How to find a way to make some step by step procedure to find the door and to be free :).
I wander how a metaphor can get me to the changed state. How by metaphor I can open some doors and see the world from different sight. How? There must be some structure. I feel like I have found something good, precious, very precious. Or like I was on some organized journey in some exotic country and found some beautiful place in which I realy would like to live. But I have my world to which I have to come back after vacation. But on other vacation I am going there once again and again by some luck I am getting to the same beautiful place. So happy again. After while coming back to my normal life. I know now that there is another world. I would like to find myself the way there but on the journey I had a guide. I want to repeat that by myself. I want to go there whenever I want. Finally I want to live there. If I may live there maybe others may also. I do not want to pretend in front of you that I am thinking so much about others. First I am thinking about myself. And I try to ask. I ask for help in that degree which will help me to do it by myself. What I can do to develop? What I can do? Who may I ask. (Words) I realy hope that you uderstand.
Other question is to Cassiopeans: Am I psychopath?
I do not know if I may ask a question about other people if they are psychopaths? Is that ok to know or everyone shall find it by him her self?
I want to go for another course to that tutor from experience 1 and 3, 4 and I wanted to know whether he is a psychopath?
Please help.
And sory for english :). It is not my language
Mikel
I would like to get some hints about few experiences which I had one and two years ago.
I have experienced state which was extraordinary and happened to me only few times in my life. This all below happened during course of personal development and one similar 7 years ago during catholic confession.
Experience one:
After course I came closer to tutor and ask him to help me out with my problem which was that feeling in my abdomen. Tension. He asked me what is that. I said that it is like one connected a battery to my belly and stick two electrodes into it and I feel like tension all the time. He told to pull that out. So I was pulling and feeling stupid about my being doing stupid things. It was not working so I said that. He said ok so lets try different. Maybe that is somebody there not something. I had imagined myself and some dark person standing in front of me and wrestle with me in some draw situation. Like no one is winning although I am pushing and he is pushing. He said that first me to imagine my safe place where I can feel secure and strong. I did that and than I was moving from that point (which was imagined staying in one part of the floor) and moving forward and closer to the dark person. I was getting closer and than stepping back when I felt anxiety. Finally I was very close to him and I could pass through him. I had not felt any fear than. So tutor asked me maybe now you do something with that. Who is he? Ask him. Maybe he is somebody you know or want to know. I got closer and hugged him (that imagined person). And I felt that state. First I was starting to laugh with some unbelieving that something I did and something is strangely changing in me and something is happening. I wanted to go outside. I laughed and cried loud. I didn’t care about what people could say. I was so moved that I wanted to allow myself to free that feeling to allow myself to feel what I feel and not to suppress anything. First I didn’t know what is going on I just felt that I need to allow something to let go. I laughed and cried. Laugh was very loud and cry was so deep. I felt so free. Like I would have found a treasure. It was a treasure that state.
Experience two:
There was a tutor who wanted the group in which I was to imagine meadow full of beautiful flowers with all colors of the rainbow, with green grass, sunshiny weather, beautiful sky etc. The meadow was mine. He wanted us to find a litters or garbage or dangerous objects which prevented us from running on it or which were like a not wanted on it. He wanted us to summon the person who was responsible for those damages and to ask him/her to make a clean up of the unwanted stuff. After that he said that there is a waterfall where we can go and take a bath. The water there was very unusual. It was mild and it could flow through the body and take all unwanted dirts from the body. After that he finished and I wanted him to help me to get rid of the black metal thing which I felt in my lower part of abdomen. He asked me to take it out and describe what that is and after to imagine the way how to destroy it. I ground that out on the virtual lathe and thrown that away. After he said to take the sun from him because it is my sun and to place it where I need, so I placed that in my abdomen. He said that it is warm not hot and good. I felt stupid in front of the group that I am making irrational things but because I felt tension for about one year in my lower abdomen (like something just above my pelvis) so I was really wanted to do something. I didn’t know the cause of it. I still do not know only some hypothesis. After placing the sun I started to laugh just a bit. I felt that I need to go out because something wanted to go out from me. I wanted to laugh more and to cry. So I went outside the hall and I cried like wild, I laughed like wild. The laughter was so strong and cry like I do not remember when I was in such a state. It was that state when I felt free. I was not afraid anything and anyone. I was (it is hard to describe that) but I was like in my heart. Something like my consciousness was in my heart. I felt when normally I think. I knew that I can think and I can go up for words but I had no needs in that state. I was so happy about crying and laughing. No words. Just being. And laughing and crying and feeling that I am now. That only now is. But no words. Now I am using words to describe. I thought after that even when I would have been homeless than I couldn’t care less. I was strong in that I am and I do not need anything. I was ready for everything. I felt like nothing can destroy this in what I am now to touch me or something. I am thinking now that that state in which I was I felt like I am giving just because I am and I can do something but even being was giving and I had no any compulsions to do something to say something to be somebody to adjust something. I felt like this what is, is right. It was lasting for an hour or something but IT had gone. Anyway some reference point remained which is: where I can be and how may I feel. It was big big WOW for me. State from experience two very very similar to experience number one.
And now question is how to come back to such a state. I want that. It was so beautiful.
Experience three:
Tutor was telling a story about us (the group). We were to imagine ourselves getting younger and younger and than going into our mother womb and than being born once again. I was also standing in that trance/ imagination like a father close to mother bearing myself in order to get the baby after birth. I took the baby-myself and I looked at him/me and I felt so sad because I was not loving him/me. I felt the need to go outside again and to cry. I was crying so much. I do not know how to describe. For me such a state is realy unusual. I spend like 90 percent of my life thinking: words, images, and mostly being in some daydream. Like stacked in thoughts. In prison of thoughts. Ok those are metaphors but that experiences were like leaving the prison for a while. I felt good being so sad. I felt so happy seeing finally how I was treating myself. And that it simply was so and maybe it will be like that. But at least again I think that I got some reference point in experience.
Experience four:
Story about a boy who lost his father at sea. Father was a sailor or fishermen. Was storm and he sunk together with his boat. Son decides to become a rescuer. He becomes a master in that. Finally he has some apprentices. One of apprentices is his favorite, he loves him like his own son who he does not have. In one action in storm they are almost finish rescuing people from a ship and when helicopter is taking off to the base they see that it is to heavy and going down. He and his pupil are hanging on the rope and teacher sees that it will not work and they will all die so he say goodbye to his boy and cut the rope and fall into the wild sea. He gave his life to other people.
After that I started to cry. I was crying and laughing. Again I felt that state.
Experience five;
Similar to number two but I was participating passively by listening in kind of therapy of my colleague on the course who had some problems with people. In the end tutor gave told my colleague to take the sun back from somebody who took it. He took it and placed in him. And when I did the same again I felt that state.
Experience six:
After confession I was crying. I felt that I got rid of something and I was really happy. I do not remember details but state was similar.
Maybe I had similar “breakthroughs” earlier but I do not remember.
I do not know why I feel that kind of “do not ask them, you will be like a ....” but I would like to ask you if you may answer or ask Cassiopeans for a hint.
What I am thinking is that all that have similar: two persons, finding lost thing or noticing something what was out of my normal daily focus,
Exp 1: removing fear, noticing somebody who I wanted to avoid meeting, facing reality and loving him
Exp 2: removing uncomfortable thing, replacing it by good, warm thing
Exp 3. noticing situation of lack of love, first noticing baby and than loving him and caring after him
Exp 4: filling the lack (of father) by helping other people in need, giving life to another people
I do not know how to think about those experiences. How to find a way to make some step by step procedure to find the door and to be free :).
I wander how a metaphor can get me to the changed state. How by metaphor I can open some doors and see the world from different sight. How? There must be some structure. I feel like I have found something good, precious, very precious. Or like I was on some organized journey in some exotic country and found some beautiful place in which I realy would like to live. But I have my world to which I have to come back after vacation. But on other vacation I am going there once again and again by some luck I am getting to the same beautiful place. So happy again. After while coming back to my normal life. I know now that there is another world. I would like to find myself the way there but on the journey I had a guide. I want to repeat that by myself. I want to go there whenever I want. Finally I want to live there. If I may live there maybe others may also. I do not want to pretend in front of you that I am thinking so much about others. First I am thinking about myself. And I try to ask. I ask for help in that degree which will help me to do it by myself. What I can do to develop? What I can do? Who may I ask. (Words) I realy hope that you uderstand.
Other question is to Cassiopeans: Am I psychopath?
I do not know if I may ask a question about other people if they are psychopaths? Is that ok to know or everyone shall find it by him her self?
I want to go for another course to that tutor from experience 1 and 3, 4 and I wanted to know whether he is a psychopath?
Please help.
And sory for english :). It is not my language
Mikel
