Mothers

[Michal]

True. As a mother of five children who tended to assess her self-worth by whether or not there were leftovers at the end of the meal, cooking to make people I love happy is deeply engrained.

MAMA :). Mother = feeding.
I love to think about "mothers" in general. What You said Laura touched feeling in me of gratitude for mothers for what they do and what they are.

I started to feel gratitude and being aware of unpayable debt with my mother few years ago. Before I was demanding, rude, egocentric mama's boy.
I could not imagine that it is not her obligation to give.

When my son was born there was a big "revolution" in my life externally and internally.
I think that back than I started to understand more about relation mother - son and also started to "not-understand" the love of mother.
Crazy, overwhelming, never-changing, against the reality (thinking about my unacceptable behaviour in my high school and later), always caring... love which I could not understand.
My approach towards this relation changed deeply. Although my mother lives in different world, emotional and strict religious without a need for rationality which was very often an ignition point for me, I started to just let her be and love her as she is. Let her be mother as she is.

After I appreciated the role of my mother in my life I think I started to see Mothers in a lot of more life contexts than before.
I also realized that what I have been given from her is something that I will never be able to give back...
This is religious - this is something ... I cannot describe.

This is analogy for me to all other mothers. Mothers give. Me, we, always get something.

This is rhetorical question which I do not know the answer:
Mama, how to give You back all this? What would You like to get for all You've done, for all You are?



PS. And You know. When I was writting this post I have stepped into one programme.
I know that I am stupid and struggling with self-importance then self-pitty, looking for acceptance and peaceful quite living... and when I want to say all of this about my relation to mothers and especially question directed to mothers: how to give back, somebody in me told me with "teacher's voice" that "You are only looking for appreciation here. You want that people say: "how wise he said about it". You are despicable and You shall be quite." Something in me wants me to be quite... Writting question to mothers was a fight with two "me". And still is.

 

[Hildegarda]

This is rhetorical question which I do not know the answer:
Mama, how to give You back all this? What would You like to get for all You've done, for all You are?
[..]
I know that I am stupid and struggling with self-importance then self-pitty, looking for acceptance and peaceful quite living... and when I want to say all of this about my relation to mothers and especially question directed to mothers: how to give back, somebody in me told me with "teacher's voice" that "You are only looking for appreciation here. [..] Writting question to mothers was a fight with two "me". And still is.

It is entirely possible that there are two you here: you of the past, a kid who doesn''t know any better than being a kid, and you of the now who has grown up. It is very easy to think and act from the mindset of a child who used to be, since you are so used to being him. We all want to be "loved" as in "babied", and sometimes think we have to deserve it. But being able to transcend your programs is a great gift that will get better as you practice it more and more.

And to try and answer your question, if I were to imagine myself the Mama you are addressing, I would say two things:

1) Please find it in your heart to forgive me for what I did wrong, and go by what I did and not what I said sometimes, and

2) you need to give me back nothing. Instead, pass all you have received further on, to your own children and to others. Love flows in one direction and is meant to be shared.