My colleague was beaten by her father, an advice if possible,please !!!

Andrian

Andrian

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
Last Saturday night (i work on the night shifts) i received a call from my boss telling me that my colleague has broken her nose badly and cannot came to work the next morning and i have to call the other colleague to ask to replace her,i did so ,during the night i had lot of work to do so i didn't think much of what happened to my colleague(i thought that maybe it was an accident) the next morning before leaving the work i talked with other colleague about what might had happened to her ,we couldn't arrive at a conclusion so when i woke up on sunday around 14:30 i called one of my colleague which i knew that is closer to the Natalie(this is not her real name) to try to understand what happened,so after i talked with her i understood that Natalie(she is 23-24 years old) Saturday night was beaten savagely by her father,he has broken her nose,blackened the left eye and some part of the front teethes were missing, the cause was that the father didn't liked and accepted her boyfriend,i was astonished after hearing this and concerned for her so i decided to visit her in hospital on Tuesday evening(she was operated on Tuesday morning), so when i came to visit her i brought her some flowers for making her feel a little better(there were also her boyfriend),when i saw her it was painful, she was really beaten savagely she barely talk and smiled a little telling that she feels terrible pain when talking,smiling or eating, after that i saluted her and wished gently to take her time to recover.After leaving the hospital i called the colleague which is a close friend of her and mine telling her that i visited Natalie in hospital so talking on the phone after a few minutes my colleague has confided to me that this is not the first time that her father has aggressively beaten her (which i didn't knew),unfortunately its a repeating pattern,she told that the last summer for example her father beat ed her badly,she had black marks on her neck hands and along the spine, she kept secret from others(at work about this knew very few people), she also told me that this time(on Saturday night) when her father beat ed her at the scene assisted her mother and the younger sister, they didn't stopped him, they were on the side of the brutal father.She stayed in the hospital for 4 days and no one from her family came to visit her,no one, still talking on the phone my colleague told me that her parents adore the younger sister, from what she knew the younger one wasn't treated that way like Natalie,the situation is very bad. Natalie is traumatized psychologically and physically the people with whom she works have more empathy and concern for her then her family,now she stays at her boyfriend's home she is traumatized and undecided to what to do next ,my colleagues tried to explain her that she is an adult now, has a job so she is more independent now then when she was younger and she can and must to get away from her father as far as possible because if she will return home they fear the next time(which unfortunately I'm sure will be a next time) he can kill her, of what I've seen what he had done to her daughter he can not control his psychopathic rage(don't know if he is a sociopath or pathological narcissist or even psychopat but definitely he shows some pretty strong pathological characteristics).I returned to work yesterday, so this morning talking with two of my colleagues (which are close to Natalie) they told me that they are worried for her that she will return home because her father during all this years of physical and psychological abuse and violence has some "power" over her which she cannot yet overcome so she is I'd say in a pretty vulnerable and dangerous situation,her boyfriend i don't know him , but from what i understood from my colleagues doesn't have genuine feeling for her, some of my colleagues are speculating that he is just using her, i do not want to judge him because i don't know him personally the only thing that concerns me is that Natalie in this terrible and painfull time for her feels insecure and undecided of what to do next and there is the fear that she will return to the hell from which she escaped for a short period of time.I don't know my colleagues tried to give her advices to be very carefull to think very well of what had happened to her and who done it because if she will return for sure this will happen again, the problem is she is too traumatized she is still undecided,i really want to help her in some way but i do not know how because it's a delicate and serious situation, officially she didn't told me who have done those terrible things to her but then i talked on the phone with her she told that our closer friend and colleague knew more(hinting that i will knew more from our friend after talking to) .Seriously i don't know how could i talk to her in some way without herting her more because really from my point of view returning home in no way is an option, off course she has to take these important decisions, but if can hep her in some way to take the right decision for her i would want to help with all of my heart.Any advice will be much appreciated.
P.S. This night I'm working and i will be able to check the thread only tomorrow,thank you all in advance.
 
Poor girl!
You can talk to her offer your help when she need it.
If she doesn't asking for your help in the future, then not much you can do, well it's up to her, osit.
It is heartbreaking to see somebody suffering, I understand your concern. :(
 
[quote author=Andrian]
Seriously i don't know how could i talk to her in some way without herting her more because really from my point of view returning home in no way is an option, off course she has to take these important decisions, but if can hep her in some way to take the right decision for her i would want to help with all of my heart.
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If she is being attacked so brutally when she is an adult, it is very likely that she has endured abuse earlier too. As a colleague, what you can do is to suggest that she does not have to put up with this now - she has options. You could tell her that you are concerned for her safety and strongly feel that she should not go back to the place where she was so brutally assaulted. If she appears open to this, then you could suggest options - like seeking support groups for women who are victims of domestic violence.
 
That's a really horrible story. I must ask though, what is happening to the father? Why is he not behind bars? I mean, beating your daughter bloody, breaking her teeth, it's just horrific.. the guy should be lynched!
 
Hi Andrian. You might find the following excerpt helpful. I think you can just as easily replace the word "mother" with "father."

From Constructive Thinking, The Key To Emotional Intelligence, pg 184-185

[quote author=Seymour Epstein]
{...}

But why doesn't a child shake off the disapproving parent whose strictures are not only damaging but often utterly unjustified? Why doesn't the child think, as a good constructive thinker would, "I am just a child, and I deserve to be loved like any other child. If my mother doesn't love me, it's not that I'm a bad child; it's that she's a bad mother."

This, of course, is a grown up way of thinking. Besides, it's a counterproductive way to think, if you're a child who desperately needs to gain your mother's approval. If you are completely dependent on your mother's goodwill, it make sense to judge yourself by the standards she has set for you. If your mother is bad, then there is nothing you can do about it. But if you are the bad one, then at least there is the hope that by changing your ways, you can eventually win your mother's love. That hope can be exteremly difficult to let go of.

Do not underestimate the power of a child's desire to believe his or her mother is a good person - even when the child is being abused. Four-year-old James was beaten repeatedly by his mother. On one occasion, she broke his arm. When the boy was told that he would be separated from his mother, despite all assurances that he would be cared for by nice people who would not beat him, he still clung to his mother and pleaded with the authorities not to take her away. He said, "She is a good mommy. If you don't take her away, I'll be very, very good, so she won't have to beat me anymore."

Stories such as this suggest one reason people maintain negative self-images. As a result of their early childhood experiences, some people have learned to see themselves as bad in order to avoid being angry at those whose love they crave. By the time they reach adulthood, this way of thinking about themselves has become completely automatic, and they often have no idea of its origin.
[/quote]

If you understand the above and if you have knowledge of some resources available to abuse victims, you might be in a good position to help. When you talk with her you can empathize better and notice the words, phrases and tone with which she talks about her father to see how she interprets and understands what's going on in her life.

You might also be ready with knowledge and references to our basic psychology material. It's kind of hard to see an answer here because we don't really know much about this person, her full situation or what she wants.
 
Domestic violence is a very difficult matter to be involved with as a supporter of a victim. I have twice been in a situation where a work colleague has used me as a confidant. On both occasions, repeated offers of practical assistance were rejected, and despite being absolutely terrified of their abuser both people routinely went back home after violent episodes. I had a secretary who's husband was very violent towards her (pushing her downstairs, throwing furniture at her, on top of the more usual slapping, kicking & punching.) One time she was hospitalised as a result of an attack, she told me she was definitely leaving him and reporting him to the police. The very next day she went home to him.

In the end, I decided that all I could do was listen when she wanted to talk, keep giving her the right advice, and support her in whatever she decided to do. But to this day, I worry about what could happen. If I saw on the news that he had killed her in an attack, for instance, I think I would be horrified at myself for not doing enough to get her away from him.
 
The act should be treated as a crime (which it is) and the authorities should be brought in to arrest the father and the daughter should press the charges. Not sure how things work in your country, but you could explore this.
 
Ugh, I am so disgusted at the depravity of some people! I am so sorry to hear this- is there a women's shelter, or social group, or domestic violence network that you can take your friend to? Do you have some sort of crisis counselling through your work? While it is a crime as Laura says, what's even worse is that her mother and sisters would not come to visit your friend in hospital! Gads, it even appears that they condone it! :mad: Its happened before, and it's not likely to stop, unless your friend decides to do something to protect herself, and to prevent it form happening again.

There's some quote somewhere about insanity being defined as doing the same thing over & over again, and expecting changes! It's evident her family are not going to change, the only change that can come about, is through your friend.
 
What a horrible position to be in. As said in other posts, this behavior probably started long ago. While I believe we all have the power to change our situation if we have the will to do so, it is the unknown that most are afraid of. Your colleague has endured this torture for longer than we can imagine, but that unfortunately is her comfort zone or the situation would have already become so unbearable that it forced her to leave. She is seeking the "love" of her family and probably doesn't even know how to cope with the possible loss of that family if she left. If this behavior is all you know, how would one know their father's and family's behavior isn't/wasn't normal?

Women's shelters/Family Shelters are a great idea, but will she be willing to escape her present mindset that has shaped her life to this point? The other thing is many of these shelters for victims of abuse are suffering severe financial cuts to their budgets but have more people to care for. If she can be presented options it may give her some hope of thinking differently.

Is there anyone else your colleague can stay with? You can always provide an ear, but know that her situation will not change until she seeks to make those changes. When and if she is ready, she will need constant positive reinforcement and emotional support. Hypnotherapy helped me 1000 times over, but I had a lot of work to do in the realm of forgiveness, non judgement and discernment along with getting to know and love myself. A self assessment if you will is painful, but if you can survive it, you will come out a stronger person.

The old people in my community say "What don kill you, mek you stonger." I have found that saying to be so true because I am still here!
 
Thank you all sincerely for your advices,they are very helpfull for me,i want to talk to her about this off course if she is ready and wants to talk,my father was a brutal tyrant which heart(beaten) me ,my brothers and my mom so i would say that i understand how she feels, i would like to share my story with her because i want to be sincere with her and maybe this will help her to take a better decision for her own safety(from our colleagues i understood that she still feels undecided what to do next) in my case thanks to my mom which was and is a true angel guardian(for my brothers and me) has protected us from him and separated from him raising us on her own, thanks to my mother we escaped a tyrant and learned early in our life that if some close person hurts you repeatedly it means he will not change, he do not wishes you well and the only option is to get out as quick as possible and never look back ,this message i really will like to be able to deliver to her off course very carefully, i want to find the right moment,i have some books from Narcissism "big five" list (The Narcissistic Family,Trapped in the Mirror,The Myth of Sanity which i will buy it today) which i will be very glad to recommend to her her to read.She didn't press charges against her father and i don't think she will,she is traumatized from such many years of violence and abuse so it is difficult for her to see who her father really is and how horribly he treated her,first of all i want to see how will go our conversation when i will talk to her ,if she will want to talk to me, to confide with me then i will try to help her in all the ways possible.Thank you again to all for your help.
 
Adrian, this is a horrible situation. I have recently read that victims of domestic violence are like drug addicts in their behavioral patterns and brain activity. I think it is very true. It helped me understand why it is so hard for them to listen to a voice of reason and find energy to make positive changes.

If you could somehow convey to her your personal outrage that she was treated that way -- let her know that it is NOT OK for anyone to be abused -- that may be very helpful for her, to get righteously angry at those people and through that master some energy to break away from them. Yet, if it doesn't happen , or it doesn't happen right away, remembering that she is not truly in control of her emotions and mental powers may help not to feel frustrated that your efforts are wasted.

One more thing to do perhaps is to talk to her boyfriend. May be he could stand up for her.
 
Hildegarda said:
Adrian, this is a horrible situation. I have recently read that victims of domestic violence are like drug addicts in their behavioral patterns and brain activity. I think it is very true. It helped me understand why it is so hard for them to listen to a voice of reason and find energy to make positive changes.

If you could somehow convey to her your personal outrage that she was treated that way -- let her know that it is NOT OK for anyone to be abused -- that may be very helpful for her, to get righteously angry at those people and through that master some energy to break away from them. Yet, if it doesn't happen , or it doesn't happen right away, remembering that she is not truly in control of her emotions and mental powers may help not to feel frustrated that your efforts are wasted.

One more thing to do perhaps is to talk to her boyfriend. May be he could stand up for her.
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Yes i agree it is horrible,i already talked to her on the phone but only for a few minutes,i told her that she is not alone and i and our colleagues are close to her,she told me that she feel a little better and is ready to return to work,i will see her in a couple of days at work,then i will try to talk to her more profoundly and will see how it goes.I do not know well her boyfriend and i do not have the opportunity to talk to him he leaves in suburbs outside the town where i live but i hope he takes care of her and supports her(morally and psychologically) in this difficult moment for her.
 
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