My father died. Here is my feelings...

msante

msante

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
It is not easy for me express my feelings in other language. I hope that you know understand.

The last sunday my father died. He simply fell asleep and did not wake up. After to suffer for three years a cancer quite aggressive, he died. He was 78 years old, and lived a difficult life. At an early age his father sent him to the Catholic boarding school with hoping that he was a priest. Thereby, he was separated from a loving mother. His mother nothing can to do for avoid it.

He grew and after of difficult desitions he married with my mother and he formed his family.

He was a loving father, affectionate, and respectful of my individuality (and of my brothers). He was a fervent catholic, but when I and my brothers decided go to our own way, he was respectful, and though I know he suffered for that, he fell silent and accompanied us lovingly. He made mistakes, but he never denied me the most important thing a human being needs: love and respect.

Despite his catholic belief he was a seeker. The first book of Castaneda that I read (The fire from within) I took from his library.

His death was the first lost of a being loved that I experienced. This meant for me a new experience, and though I love him and really miss him, I have learned so much with it.

I am fine, in fact I not feel emotionally perturbed. I feel calm and, somehow, at peace.

In his wake I could see the pain of others, and at one point I found myself consoling to others. This was strange for me, I felt that maybe something was wrong. I thought in that, and though I wandered around on the matter, I feel that my feelings and acts was genuine. I felt compasive and really I felt the pain of those who loved my father. He was a teacher for 50 years and many people loved him and respected him. So many people came to leave a last goodbye.

I hope that his soul (or his consciousness, or whatever survives death) is at peace, and that his belief are not an obstacle in his path "to the light" and in his next cycle.
 
You have my condolence, msante. I'm glad to read that you are at peace and I hope your father found it too. :hug2:
 
My deepest and sincerest condolences to you msante, and your family. :hug2:

In saying that you are feeling calm and collected at the moment, there's a whole range of emotions one feels when a loved one passes away. Anything from anger, denial, numbness, to grief and eventually acceptance, so don't be too hard on yourself if you feel very emotional at a later stage. It sounds like you are being the 'strong' one and consoling everyone else, but at some stage you too will need to grieve.

Thank you for the information about your father- he sounds like he was a lovely man, to accept and let his children walk their own paths despite his deep religious beliefs. I wish you and your family much strength and peace through these times.
 
Sorry to hear that, msante. I hope you can do a mourning with your own times and needs. As you say, you've had the good fortune of being raised by a loving, decent and hardworking father. Keep him in your heart, with all your memories together. Perhaps, beyond time, you can find him again.
A big hug to you msante and to your family. :hug2:
 
Msante, my condolences to you. Losing someone you love is so hard, and if you also were unconditionally loved back in return and felt the gentle breeze of this tender, supportive feeling always filling your sails, it's a void that takes a lifetime getting used to.

From what you describe, your father was a wonderful person. He was blessed with a long life and a good life that had both joys and hardships and touched many people. Also, departing peacefully in his sleep, at his home, can be seen as a blessing as well, especially for someone who has been ill. You are really lucky to have had his presence in your life.

The feelings you describe are in keeping with the facts of your father's life and are not strange at all. My mother passed away 2 years ago, and I still feel empty anger for the most part -- but that clearly came out of the circumstances of her death, surrounded by lies and indignity. In contrast, an elderly neighbor had just recently passed away 6 months after cancer diagnosis. She took care of her affairs in advance and was surrounded by loving extended family from the beginning to the end of her illness. During the funeral services, everyone's mood was very similar to what you describe, full of emotion, but with overarching peace and celebration of a long life well lived. Truth be told, it gave me hope, giving me an idea of how I'd like to go when my time comes.

Your feelings may change later and run the whole gamut, but if you do the same thing, just letting yourself experience them freely, they'll keep flowing. Take good care of yourself. :hug2: :hug2:
 
Thanks so much, msante, for giving us a portrait of your father and his life. Sounds like he was a very good father and man, and you can consider yourself lucky to have shared a life with him. Take good care of yourself and your family. And know that you can always discuss more and ask for advise and support, if you feel the need. :hug2: :hug2:
 
Thank you for sharing this msante. From your description he sounds like a wise and loving man, and I'm sure he will find his way in the beyond.

Arwenn said:
In saying that you are feeling calm and collected at the moment, there's a whole range of emotions one feels when a loved one passes away. Anything from anger, denial, numbness, to grief and eventually acceptance, so don't be too hard on yourself if you feel very emotional at a later stage. It sounds like you are being the 'strong' one and consoling everyone else, but at some stage you too will need to grieve.
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Agreed, take care of yourself, and may he rest in peace. :hug2:
 
Thank you for sharing, msante, and I agree with others about taking care of yourself too, and letting yourself process all feelings that come up. It is good to hear that his going from this reality was peaceful and allowed him to stop suffering. His life must have been important if he was such a good man and gave you so much love and respect, and was loved by so many in return.

It can take time, as Hildegarda said. I lost my grandmother almost 19 years ago, and sometimes it still feels like yesterday and I still miss her. But your life together is something that fortunately, you always carry with you, even though you can't see your loved one in the physical world anymore. :)

:hug2: :hug2: :hug2:
 
I'm very sorry for your loss, msante. My thoughts are with you at this time. As others said, please take care of yourself and allow the grief. Thank you for sharing a little about your father and how you will remember him. :hug2:
 
Your Father seems to have been a fine man from what you say. Such men are rare. My heart is with you.

Take care. :hug2:

Mac
 
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