Gloria54
Padawan Learner
I have been reading...all of the Wave Series, Adventures with the C's, Secret History I and II , High Strangeness and working on many other works. After my rather lame intro as a newbie I have decided to lay it all on the line and bare it all. This is painful, but I need help..it is long and torturous and not finished. I will finish and post the rest and I beg your forgiveness for the length, but I am trying not to leave anything out because there is more
My Journey
Where do I begin?
I suppose at the beginning! Right.
My first experience with "high strangeness"began when I was under six years old..
I remember being in a dark place behind my grandparents home and there was a man and a woman tormenting me. I suppose now it was of a sexual nature and probably my dads younger siblings. He was the eldest of eleven children. They told me that if I tried to leave a bear would eat me. That terrified me. I include that only because it relates to another episode later in life with a High strangeness factor. They also said that if I told my parents that they would not believe me and would whip me.
This is hard for me but after that I would lie in bed and put my hands behind my back and I would get feelings of what I realize now were sexual urges. I also began sleeping with my hands over my privates that I do sometimes even now.
I suspect now that there were more episodes of sexual abuse but I really do not remember them. But my panties started having brown spots on them. I thought that I was not wiping good and hid them under my bed. My mom found them and saw that it was dried blood. She took me to the doctor and the exam was terribly painful and scary. By this time I was six or seven. There was never a clear diagnosis that I was aware of but the bloody panties stopped and that was that.
I loved school and did well usually all A's and an occasional B. But I was shy and introverted. I preferred reading in my room over playing games with other kids.
I didn't fit in and at that time didn't much worry about it.
The next "high strangeness" episode occurred when I was twelve. It was my moms 36 birthday and she was crying and carrying on that something terrible was about to happen. I remember trying to comfort her by washing her face and brushing her long pretty hair as she laid on the couch. That night I was dreaming and it was awful. My aunt and uncle were screaming and crying and beating the wall at their house with their fists. The telephone rang ( it was four in the morning) . The phone was outside my room in the hall. I went and picked up the whole telephone as my mom came rushing down the hall. I looked at her and told her that something terrible HAD happened. She answered and was very upset. When she hung up she told me to get ready and ride with her to my aunts house, that my sixteen year old cousin was missing and presumed drowned. They lived about forty-five minutes away so we got there about an hour later. When we walked in, the scene in my dream was taking place precisely as I had dreamed it down to where each person was located in the room. They had just been informed that my cousins body had been found and he was indeed, drowned. It was like being in a different world. They needed them to come down and make an official identification. Why my mother allowed me to accompany them on this dreadful task I will never understand. It was horrific. He was laid out on a slab in a pair of cut off jeans. He was purple from the shoulders up and he had mud foam coming out of his mouth and nose. I was terrified beyond words and was changed forever. First off, the dream confused me. Then to realize the reality of death. Up until then only old people died you know?
I mentioned this to my mom years later and asked her why she had let me go with them. She looked shocked and said that she never realized that I was there but that she knew that I was because it was exactly as I described it. Hmmm...
Anyway after that I was never the same. I was scared because now I knew that I could really die at any time.
Life went on . My parents confused good grades with maturity and left me and my younger brother home alone almost every night after I turned twelve and he was eight. We lived in a business district by then. Our home was behind my dads tire business. At night they went to antique auctions and dancing, stuff like that. Meanwhile my brother and I were unsupervised and doing whatever we wanted.
When I was fifteen dad gave me a car , I starting dating, had a few fumbling sexual encounters and then I met my ex husband. He was nineteen and he took over. He would tell me what to do and I didn't know why I let him. I just did. When we first had sex, I asked him to use protection and he told me that he was sterile and not to worry. Stupid me believed him...or did I ? I think now that deep down I knew it was a lie, but I didn't want it be so I ignored that little voice. So I quickly became pregnant and he was ecstatic! What? I thought that you said you were sterile! Well the doctors must have been wrong. Okay...What now? Easy he said...We get married. Oh no! I wanted to finish school and go to college! This was before Roe vs. Wade , so I really only had two options. Get married or give the baby up. I knew that I could never live with knowing that I had a child out there and not knowing where it was or how it was treated so I asked my parents permission to marry and they allowed it. They didn't know until three months after the wedding that I was pregnant. Or did they? Or at least my dad probably did! Mom found out later that he had his own wiretap on our telephones. She was furious! But dad grabbed the box of tapes and threw them in the river. I didn't say anything to her, but it dawned on me that I had telephone conversations with my ex and a favorite cousin about my predicament before I married. So he did know, or so I think.
What is so bad is the on another level, when I married my ex, I KNEW that I was making a mistake. But did it anyway, and my life was a torment from the next day until I finally got away. He constantly accused me of cheating, he would say any hurtful thing that he could to me. He would not stop until he had me in tears. It was abuse, not physical, but emotional and mental abuse. I spent all of my time trying to please him in the hope that it would stop, but it never did. I walked on eggshells and later, the kids did too.
Anyway, I digress. But it relates even if only to try to bring light to my mental state.
Those years I rarely had time to read, but did every chance I got, but usually it was novels and such. But a friend gave me a book about Edgar Cayce which I found very interesting but what does meeting self even mean?
High strangeness...I was seventeen or so and the weather had turned cold and I pulled out my favorite boots to wear to work. I went to stick my foot in the boot and a voice plainly said...Stop! Don't stick your foot in that boot until you look inside. I paused confused...but shook it off and started to put it on again. Again..Stop! Don't stick your foot in that boot until you look inside. I paused again and thought...well what the hay...I'll look. There was a black widow spider inside! That was my first experience with the voice, but not my last. It happens anytime that I am in physical danger. It tells me exactly what to do. It came when a friends husband that I had angered came to kill me, when I found myself in the pasture with a bull, when I was about to be involved in a wreck, when I was robbed at gunpoint by a crackhead where I was working alone and many other instances. It has also directed me to take different routes, to delay my departure, etc. I came to the belief that I had a guardian angel or it was God. Still not sure what the nature of this communication is. Also had dreams that showed me how to solve problems that I was working on and dreams that came true. Literally! Not symbolism but right out showed me and when I was involved in the action actually tell me about a telephone call that I would get and what the person on the other end would say. It would happen just like the dream...word for word. The dreams scared me because it was not always good things that I would see. And it made me wonder...why me? This was not happening to anyone else that I knew.
Later it developed into synchonicitries. Meeting people who would come up to me out of nowhere and warn me of things. I began to wonder if I was a nut magnet. Some of the warnings happened and some didn't or at least haven't yet. Some were not put to a certain time frame. One time a very aged woman in front of me in line turned and looked at me and began to speak. Precious one...when the bad times come remember that you can eat Kudzu. There is a lot of that in this area. And that was it. But I was strangely affected by it. Luckily, so far, I haven't yet had to eat kudzu. But these incidents continued for many years.
In the meantime, my personal life was a mess. My husband constantly accused me of cheating, always criticizing how I looked, whatever I did, how I laughed ( too loud), if I cleaned house he would point out the one cobweb I missed. I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to please him. There was never a dialogue without his terribly vicious temper coming out.
Then he cheated on me. And he denied it until he was caught red handed and still denied it! We separated but he promised to change, and he did for a few months, until my resolve was weakened and then it was same o same o.
Then his brothers wife informed me that he had intentionally impregnated me to get his draft status changed. This was Viet Nam era and he had a low number in the lottery. The dots were beginning to get connected. I found out that he had a girlfriend during that time. I was devestated. By then we had two children together. Funny he was always accusing me of cheating, but never once questioned that both of his children was his. He KNEW that I wasn't cheating. HE was the cheater. I was always defending myself.
About eleven years in is when I started my quest for the truth. My parents were nominal Christians but not fanatically so at that time although that would change. The economy was bad and daycare cost so much that it didn't pay me to work so I had free time. I was depressed and started having a terrible urgency that I something that I had to do. I looked at my kids and realized that I wanted to teach them the truth, but that I didn't know what it was for sure. There were different groups knocking at the door pushing different sects, ( Jehovah's Witnesses, Southern Baptist, etc), the televangelists all saying that They and They alone had the truth and if you didn't believe Them, you were going to hell. So I decided that I was going to Find the truth. I prayed to God. I said, whoever you are, I ask for your protection while I search because I am going to search wherever the trail leads. Man, that onion never gets peeled. This was before internet. You had to do research at the library, try to find works is used book stores or order works that I could ill afford. I was dumbfounded when I learned about how the Bible was put together! I was dumbfounded to find that the doctrines being taught were not in the works that were thrown out. To find out that all of the New Testament, except "possibly" Revelation was written by people who never even MET Jesus. I tried to tell people and No One wanted to hear that. How can that be? Why are you satisfied with this huge Lie? I was wondering what the hell is going on!
At this time, I had never done any work on me. I thought,really thought, that I had no ego. But I prayed often to know the truth. So this is what happened next.
I wasn't working and my brother needed some help at the tire store. Since the children wouldn't be home until two thirty or so, I went in to help out. A customer there needed some work on her car that was going to take hours. My brother asked me to give her a ride home. I agreed. We were driving along chatting and I told her about my search. She looked at me and said, I am an amateur astrologist and I will give you the placements of all your planets,aspects and other points, but you will have to put it on a chart yourself and find out what it means. I was amused because I was raised to believe that was all bull but decided to go along. She said I need your exact birth time and place. I knew this info and wrote it down for her. I went to get her at the appointed time and she handed me the paper. She said, you have some very interesting things going on in your chart. You have two exact conjunctions and some oppositions and much more. You should really look into it.
At that time, I was to learn later, what she did for me took a lot of time. Now you can get all that instantly on a computer. But at that time it took mathematical knowledge, charts of ephemeris, and knowledge of algorithms. Nevertheless, I did not know where to begin with this information she gave me. Later that day I was telling my moms youngest sister who was not very much older than me about it. It was just chatter but she said wait here...and then she brought in this large book. She said..start here. You will be able to draw your chart and get basic interpretations from it. The Compleat Astrologer. I stared at her in amazement! She said keep it as long as you need it...I have gone beyond what it teaches. Wow! Really Aunt Judy? Never knew that! She laughed and said that I would find out that some things are better not shared with most people. They think it is of the devil! Oh yeah, right. Well is it I asked her? She said I really don't know, but it works. It can help you if you use it right. How is that? She said, you have a pure heart so you decide. Wise lady.
So I took it home and after everyone else was in bed I opened the book and started reading what my planets in signs meant, what the aspects meant, etc. more than a little bit was right on target, but there was a lot that I disagreed with. I have a huge Ego problem. Huh ME? Are you serious? I have no ego. You have this fear and that. Again Huh ME? I'm not afraid of anything....and on and on. So I was sure that there wasn't anything there for me. But it kept nagging me. Do I have an ego problem? Guess what? Yep and I still do..but not as bad as before. I'm afraid of this and that? Guess again yep! Luckily I have worked through most of those . The value that I found definitely shined some light on the veil but didn't pierce it. I studied and still study. I don't practice and now I have a nice very expensive program that does calculations, interpretations and much more. I also have an impressive library of books, some rare and obscure on the subject. I found that the only use I had was to help me take a more objective look at myself and to work on the issues that it helps identify. Yep it works, but not as people suspect. Is it of the devil? Nope. Why does he try so hard to keep the real knowledge from us if it can't help us. No brainer.
But! Oh my! My mom found out that I was studying devil subjects and went into hysteric mode. By this time she thought Jim and Tammy was God's own representatives on earth! I told her..Mom I prayed and God knows that my intentions are pure and He will protect me. She calmed down but not much. Day after day she would call...turn on Jim and Tammy! Wonderful things are happening! I tried it once and actually got sick at my stomach! Had to turn it off! I so informed Mom but she didn't relent until I went back to work. By then she had dad snagged too. Unbelievable! They were one of the partners in that epic fail. They never got mad at him and never felt that they were cheated! Whatever...
A friend who knew I was "into" astrology called and asked me to find out if she was pregnant. I wasn't too sure of my skills but agreed to try. I got her birth data and the data from the time she said she would have conceived which had only been a few days. It took hours of work but I finally had her chart ant the time of possible conception chart done and then I tried to read it. Yes she was pregnant. It was a boy. But her birth chart with Uranus on the cusp of the fifth house indicated that her first child would die under mysterious circumstances ( Llewelyn A -Z astrology ). The charts also indicated problems with the law or authorities in the near future. What the hay? Tell her this stuff ? Not hardly! I didn't get back to her and hoped that it would not come up . It didn't . I wasn't convinced by any means at that time but..... The baby died in her womb in the ninth month because the cord wrapped around his neck. It was a boy. By then, her husband had been arrested for dealing drugs. Idiot flew to Florida and bought a lot of marijuana from DEA agents. All that scared the hell out of me and I never again dabbled in the horary part of astrology.
I tried the ouija board, but only got what I guess now was a "dead dude" . The voice told me to leave that alone. That I wasn't ready for that. I left it alone. Tried the Tarot cards but I had not grasped ,at that time, archetypes. It just confused me .I read the Bible from cover to cover three times. Read the Quran. Tried to read the Indian gods story, but couldn't get in to it. I was scared of meditation, never realizing that I did it all the time without knowing that is what it was. I often wondered why I would zone out and come back with answers to things. Especially in the bathtub. I would come back and the water would be ice cold! (I took HOT baths) still do.
In the meantime, what to teach the kids? Time was running out and mom and dad was pressuring me to get them into church! During my readings of the Bible I was impressed with the wisdom of the Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. And some of the Psalms. So I decided to let mom and dad take them to church on Sunday mornings. They bought a van for the sole purpose of transporting their grandchildren to church . They made an event of it every Sunday taking them either to breakfast or dinner depending on when they got up. At that time my elder brother was not in church either so it was his two and my two. My younger brothers son was still too young. I was still confused and searching. Then my children started begging me to come to church. By that time I felt a close spiritual connection to God (whoever that was) from prayer and study, so I decided to try it. It was a local church full of love ,or so it seemed. I soon found out that questions were not welcome from women. Ask your husband I was told! What? He will not even set foot in here! Then just listen to our sermons, teach classes, and visit in the neighborhood and get other lost souls in here. Well, ok, I guess. I quickly lost my connection and was soon adrift as I found myself playing the church game.
About this time I went back to work and my searching was put on hold in the interest of putting food on the table. I went to work. I went to church. I paid my tithes, before taxes of course. I got promoted to dept. head at work and soon I was on the totally stressed out lane. God help me, I thought working people were grown adults! It felt like I was a babysitter! They were always quibbling about the most stupid things! I was getting stressed and soon I lost my ability to fall asleep at night.
So off to the doctor right? Sleeping pills! Yes! I would fall asleep and sleep like a baby all night yes!! And when the doctors would say no more, my ex would helpfully get them for me off the street. In the interest of me getting a good nights sleep, of course. The result of that led to the most tragic part of my life.
This is where it really gets ugly.
After church one Sunday morning, I decided to lay down awhile . My daughter came into my room and said "Mom, I really need to talk to you" I sat up and said ok. That is when she told me that her father had been sexually abusing her since the age of twelve. She was sixteen at the time. My son, who was fourteen, then came in and told me that he had witnessed it happening. I was absolutely horrified! I knew that she was telling the truth even before my son confirmed it because she absolutely adored her father so much. And then to find out that he too was exposed to this was more than I could bear. She was scared and said that she wanted only for it to stop. I was thinking, oh hell yeah it's going to stop, because he is about to go to his grave. I calmly told her to go about her regular activities and that I would not confront him until after they went to church that night. I would stay at home and deal with this. So she left and I shut the door and removed the .38 special from the hiding place and loaded it. And waited. I was in AGONY. So I decided to pray. The voice came and said ..unload the gun and hide ALL of the ammunition for it and the shotgun. Puzzled, I did this. I asked my ex to take them to church that night because I didn't feel well. When he got back I was on him as soon as he walked in the door. He, of course, denied it. I told him that there was not anyway that he could convince me that she was not telling the truth. That there was no way, no way, that she would lie about that as much as she adored him.. That is when he went for the gun. He was extremely upset that the gun wasn't loaded, or that he couldn't find the ammo. Stupid me...I thought he was going to suicide. I told him that he wasn't getting out that easy..that he had to help me put them through college. In retrospect I realized that he wasn't going to suicide..he was going to kill me! The voice! At that time only spoke when I was in danger. But I digress. After church and the children were home she came in and begged me not to have him arrested. I only want it to stop she said. I couldn't endure all my friends knowing this. She was drum major, NHS and other social activities at school and extremely popular. I told her that I would check into it and see what had to be done..of course I sent him packing that night.
Next day I called my older brother and told him everything. He told me to sit tight and he would contact a lawyer. He called back after a couple of hours. It is not good news he said. If she wants to keep this quiet, she can't tell anyone. No doctor, preacher, counselor or anyone. By law the only people who do not have to report this is her, you and your lawyer. He told me that even he would be breaking the law by not reporting it, but that he would, of course, abide by her wishes.
After school that day, I informed her of the law. She begged me not to have him arrested. I'm thinking, God almighty, I want to kill him and you say no to even arresting him!?! But she is sixteen and I was sixteen when she was born, so I decided to honor her wishes. She never even blinked after that, but it nearly destroyed me. I haven't had a good nights sleep since. I had a breakdown a few years later. By then my daughter was of age so I could tell my doctors what was bothering me. I was diagnosed with PTSD, extreme anxiety disorder, clinical depression, chronic insomnia, and my over drinking was self medicating . I was told that the reason I couldn't sleep was because I was asleep while my husband was abusing our daughter and that I felt guilty for not protecting her. Sounds about right.
I was celibate from that time for about seven years. I met someone then and and started a casual relationship. By then both the kids were grown and gone. But my ex took exception to the fact that I was dating someone and started stalking me. Here we go again...after coming home one day and being able to smell him...I knew he had been in my place. I called the law and at that time it was just beginning to be recognized as a problem...stalking that is. They informed me that while they totally believed me, that until he was caught in the act of breaking the law that there was nothing they could do. I asked them what they thought he might do. And this policeman replied to me that unfortunately, a lot of the time it resulted in the death of the person being stalked, unless somehow the obsession was broken This was 1996. I had worked myself up to the top at my job. I had financial security as long as I was there. Now my life was in danger. So my new boyfriend said..maybe we should move far away...what? Leave my job? I had worked long and hard and had endured much and now, finally, I was making great money and could or should have been able to relax. What good is that if you are dead? So that changed the nature of my relationship with my new boyfriend, he felt that he had to protect me.Good argument! I quit my job and left with my friend to New Orleans. He got a job on a tugboat and I had enough money to stay at home. One day while he was on the boat I went to the corner bar that my landlord owned to pick up my mail. Decided to have a drink and was slipped a Rufie . I don't remember much but apparently I had called my mom in a panic saying that I had been raped. She told me to call my ex and I must have because they had recordings. He flew in and threw me and all my stuff in my car and took me to his home. He was happy as a clam. I was out of it for several days, but apparently he had taken me to a hospital after driving ten hours and they confirmed that in their opinion, I had been raped. I really do not know. I remember going to the bar to pick up the mail. I remember the bartender telling me that they now served hurricanes (I had asked for one the first time that I went to that bar but was told that they did not have them). It was a hot Saturday afternoon and I thought...why not? I remember walking out the door and then I was falling...after one drink? That's the last thing I remember clearly until my ex showed up and took over. The apartment was a mess of broken lamps,blood, and hundred dollar bills everywhere. What the hell?
Anyway, after a couple of days I came to and realized that I was in my ex husbands bed. Oh hell no..I went out to the living room. Thought that I was alone. I called my number in New Orleans and my new boyfriend answered . I was trying to get a handle on what had happened. I truly didn't know! He told me that my ex had informed our landlord that he ( my boyfriend)had raped me.what? If indeed I had been raped ,the landlord and his bar was involved. By then I was exhausted and went back to bed. I was awakened by my ex standing at the foot of the bed furious that I had been on the phone with my friend in New Orleans trying to figure out what was happening. How did he know? My son, who still lived with his father had told him. I felt sooo betrayed. So it was on... I demanded that my ex take me back to my apartment there ( it was still in my name,rent paid) . He refused,so I called my brother who came and got me and took me back to my place there.
I settled in to try to recover from whatever had happened. After a day or so, my husbands brother called me. He had always been good to me and would check up on me when my ex's behavior was bad. He was sweet and told me that the purpose of the call was to invite me to dinner that weekend. He knew my favorite foods and promised that they would be served. Then he went quiet...and then he said...Mike has arranged for you to be picked up here. He is telling them that you are a danger to yourself and others. He plans to have you institutionally locked up. He said..I couldn't let that happen without warning you. My heart sunk, but I thanked him and told him not to worry...I would never tell that he warned me..and I haven't until now. They are both dead now so it no longer matters. Again I packed up and took off...this time much more carefully. I didn't use my cards..cash only..and met up with Wolf in New Orleans. Yes that was his avatar, but a completely legit story behind it.
So we met up in New Orleans and left for the West Coast. It was a very enlightening trip for me..we drove through LA and TX, NM,CO, WY,MO.etc....all this open land..hours between towns....overpopulation? What? I am here to tell you that there is so much unpopulated land that it is unreal! Overpopulation is a joke! But it is in the hands of the government! But that is neither here nor there...
So we end up in the Seattle area. He told me that I was the most courageous person that he had ever met. Really? Why am I so scared? He said that it was alright to be scared. What mattered was your response to being scared. So we found a place and settled in...the Muckleshoot reservation in Auburn WA.
I immediately felt like I did not belong there. Mt. Rainer took up my whole windshield even though it was over fifty miles away. But I felt uprooted and out of place. So I flew back after a couple of months....to see if my ex would react. I still had some meds and two cats there so I went by and let myself in to get my meds and pet my cats ...He quickly informed me that he was changing the locks.. OK...good sign. Never ever went back. Flew back...although several high strangeness episodes happened while I was there not related to this narrative .
So waited another couple of months and flew back again..I didn't bother him and he didn't bother me. I consulted with a counselor and given the facts..they felt that it was safe for me to return. But in the meantime, I had lost much credibility amongst our social groups, (church, ie) my mistake was not filing for divorce as soon as it all went down...but I was "nice" didn't want to "hurt" anyone. So in the end I lose. I remember one night praying and crying about all that I had lost.
The voice answered loud and clear this time...you are still alive aren't you... As in the times when Joseph fled with Jesus...you left all behind and lost it...but you have your life! No argument there!
So it is time to come back. I absolutely hated the northwest! I left on Feb 12 1997 to come home. Wolf refused to come so I left on my own. The first night I stopped in Sacremento CA...next was Blythe,CA,then Van Horn TX and Shreveport,LA...AL and then home to upstate SC..So glad to be home...a brief respite and it all starts up again.
Mod's note: Added spaces to ease the reading
My Journey
Where do I begin?
I suppose at the beginning! Right.
My first experience with "high strangeness"began when I was under six years old..
I remember being in a dark place behind my grandparents home and there was a man and a woman tormenting me. I suppose now it was of a sexual nature and probably my dads younger siblings. He was the eldest of eleven children. They told me that if I tried to leave a bear would eat me. That terrified me. I include that only because it relates to another episode later in life with a High strangeness factor. They also said that if I told my parents that they would not believe me and would whip me.
This is hard for me but after that I would lie in bed and put my hands behind my back and I would get feelings of what I realize now were sexual urges. I also began sleeping with my hands over my privates that I do sometimes even now.
I suspect now that there were more episodes of sexual abuse but I really do not remember them. But my panties started having brown spots on them. I thought that I was not wiping good and hid them under my bed. My mom found them and saw that it was dried blood. She took me to the doctor and the exam was terribly painful and scary. By this time I was six or seven. There was never a clear diagnosis that I was aware of but the bloody panties stopped and that was that.
I loved school and did well usually all A's and an occasional B. But I was shy and introverted. I preferred reading in my room over playing games with other kids.
I didn't fit in and at that time didn't much worry about it.
The next "high strangeness" episode occurred when I was twelve. It was my moms 36 birthday and she was crying and carrying on that something terrible was about to happen. I remember trying to comfort her by washing her face and brushing her long pretty hair as she laid on the couch. That night I was dreaming and it was awful. My aunt and uncle were screaming and crying and beating the wall at their house with their fists. The telephone rang ( it was four in the morning) . The phone was outside my room in the hall. I went and picked up the whole telephone as my mom came rushing down the hall. I looked at her and told her that something terrible HAD happened. She answered and was very upset. When she hung up she told me to get ready and ride with her to my aunts house, that my sixteen year old cousin was missing and presumed drowned. They lived about forty-five minutes away so we got there about an hour later. When we walked in, the scene in my dream was taking place precisely as I had dreamed it down to where each person was located in the room. They had just been informed that my cousins body had been found and he was indeed, drowned. It was like being in a different world. They needed them to come down and make an official identification. Why my mother allowed me to accompany them on this dreadful task I will never understand. It was horrific. He was laid out on a slab in a pair of cut off jeans. He was purple from the shoulders up and he had mud foam coming out of his mouth and nose. I was terrified beyond words and was changed forever. First off, the dream confused me. Then to realize the reality of death. Up until then only old people died you know?
I mentioned this to my mom years later and asked her why she had let me go with them. She looked shocked and said that she never realized that I was there but that she knew that I was because it was exactly as I described it. Hmmm...
Anyway after that I was never the same. I was scared because now I knew that I could really die at any time.
Life went on . My parents confused good grades with maturity and left me and my younger brother home alone almost every night after I turned twelve and he was eight. We lived in a business district by then. Our home was behind my dads tire business. At night they went to antique auctions and dancing, stuff like that. Meanwhile my brother and I were unsupervised and doing whatever we wanted.
When I was fifteen dad gave me a car , I starting dating, had a few fumbling sexual encounters and then I met my ex husband. He was nineteen and he took over. He would tell me what to do and I didn't know why I let him. I just did. When we first had sex, I asked him to use protection and he told me that he was sterile and not to worry. Stupid me believed him...or did I ? I think now that deep down I knew it was a lie, but I didn't want it be so I ignored that little voice. So I quickly became pregnant and he was ecstatic! What? I thought that you said you were sterile! Well the doctors must have been wrong. Okay...What now? Easy he said...We get married. Oh no! I wanted to finish school and go to college! This was before Roe vs. Wade , so I really only had two options. Get married or give the baby up. I knew that I could never live with knowing that I had a child out there and not knowing where it was or how it was treated so I asked my parents permission to marry and they allowed it. They didn't know until three months after the wedding that I was pregnant. Or did they? Or at least my dad probably did! Mom found out later that he had his own wiretap on our telephones. She was furious! But dad grabbed the box of tapes and threw them in the river. I didn't say anything to her, but it dawned on me that I had telephone conversations with my ex and a favorite cousin about my predicament before I married. So he did know, or so I think.
What is so bad is the on another level, when I married my ex, I KNEW that I was making a mistake. But did it anyway, and my life was a torment from the next day until I finally got away. He constantly accused me of cheating, he would say any hurtful thing that he could to me. He would not stop until he had me in tears. It was abuse, not physical, but emotional and mental abuse. I spent all of my time trying to please him in the hope that it would stop, but it never did. I walked on eggshells and later, the kids did too.
Anyway, I digress. But it relates even if only to try to bring light to my mental state.
Those years I rarely had time to read, but did every chance I got, but usually it was novels and such. But a friend gave me a book about Edgar Cayce which I found very interesting but what does meeting self even mean?
High strangeness...I was seventeen or so and the weather had turned cold and I pulled out my favorite boots to wear to work. I went to stick my foot in the boot and a voice plainly said...Stop! Don't stick your foot in that boot until you look inside. I paused confused...but shook it off and started to put it on again. Again..Stop! Don't stick your foot in that boot until you look inside. I paused again and thought...well what the hay...I'll look. There was a black widow spider inside! That was my first experience with the voice, but not my last. It happens anytime that I am in physical danger. It tells me exactly what to do. It came when a friends husband that I had angered came to kill me, when I found myself in the pasture with a bull, when I was about to be involved in a wreck, when I was robbed at gunpoint by a crackhead where I was working alone and many other instances. It has also directed me to take different routes, to delay my departure, etc. I came to the belief that I had a guardian angel or it was God. Still not sure what the nature of this communication is. Also had dreams that showed me how to solve problems that I was working on and dreams that came true. Literally! Not symbolism but right out showed me and when I was involved in the action actually tell me about a telephone call that I would get and what the person on the other end would say. It would happen just like the dream...word for word. The dreams scared me because it was not always good things that I would see. And it made me wonder...why me? This was not happening to anyone else that I knew.
Later it developed into synchonicitries. Meeting people who would come up to me out of nowhere and warn me of things. I began to wonder if I was a nut magnet. Some of the warnings happened and some didn't or at least haven't yet. Some were not put to a certain time frame. One time a very aged woman in front of me in line turned and looked at me and began to speak. Precious one...when the bad times come remember that you can eat Kudzu. There is a lot of that in this area. And that was it. But I was strangely affected by it. Luckily, so far, I haven't yet had to eat kudzu. But these incidents continued for many years.
In the meantime, my personal life was a mess. My husband constantly accused me of cheating, always criticizing how I looked, whatever I did, how I laughed ( too loud), if I cleaned house he would point out the one cobweb I missed. I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to please him. There was never a dialogue without his terribly vicious temper coming out.
Then he cheated on me. And he denied it until he was caught red handed and still denied it! We separated but he promised to change, and he did for a few months, until my resolve was weakened and then it was same o same o.
Then his brothers wife informed me that he had intentionally impregnated me to get his draft status changed. This was Viet Nam era and he had a low number in the lottery. The dots were beginning to get connected. I found out that he had a girlfriend during that time. I was devestated. By then we had two children together. Funny he was always accusing me of cheating, but never once questioned that both of his children was his. He KNEW that I wasn't cheating. HE was the cheater. I was always defending myself.
About eleven years in is when I started my quest for the truth. My parents were nominal Christians but not fanatically so at that time although that would change. The economy was bad and daycare cost so much that it didn't pay me to work so I had free time. I was depressed and started having a terrible urgency that I something that I had to do. I looked at my kids and realized that I wanted to teach them the truth, but that I didn't know what it was for sure. There were different groups knocking at the door pushing different sects, ( Jehovah's Witnesses, Southern Baptist, etc), the televangelists all saying that They and They alone had the truth and if you didn't believe Them, you were going to hell. So I decided that I was going to Find the truth. I prayed to God. I said, whoever you are, I ask for your protection while I search because I am going to search wherever the trail leads. Man, that onion never gets peeled. This was before internet. You had to do research at the library, try to find works is used book stores or order works that I could ill afford. I was dumbfounded when I learned about how the Bible was put together! I was dumbfounded to find that the doctrines being taught were not in the works that were thrown out. To find out that all of the New Testament, except "possibly" Revelation was written by people who never even MET Jesus. I tried to tell people and No One wanted to hear that. How can that be? Why are you satisfied with this huge Lie? I was wondering what the hell is going on!
At this time, I had never done any work on me. I thought,really thought, that I had no ego. But I prayed often to know the truth. So this is what happened next.
I wasn't working and my brother needed some help at the tire store. Since the children wouldn't be home until two thirty or so, I went in to help out. A customer there needed some work on her car that was going to take hours. My brother asked me to give her a ride home. I agreed. We were driving along chatting and I told her about my search. She looked at me and said, I am an amateur astrologist and I will give you the placements of all your planets,aspects and other points, but you will have to put it on a chart yourself and find out what it means. I was amused because I was raised to believe that was all bull but decided to go along. She said I need your exact birth time and place. I knew this info and wrote it down for her. I went to get her at the appointed time and she handed me the paper. She said, you have some very interesting things going on in your chart. You have two exact conjunctions and some oppositions and much more. You should really look into it.
At that time, I was to learn later, what she did for me took a lot of time. Now you can get all that instantly on a computer. But at that time it took mathematical knowledge, charts of ephemeris, and knowledge of algorithms. Nevertheless, I did not know where to begin with this information she gave me. Later that day I was telling my moms youngest sister who was not very much older than me about it. It was just chatter but she said wait here...and then she brought in this large book. She said..start here. You will be able to draw your chart and get basic interpretations from it. The Compleat Astrologer. I stared at her in amazement! She said keep it as long as you need it...I have gone beyond what it teaches. Wow! Really Aunt Judy? Never knew that! She laughed and said that I would find out that some things are better not shared with most people. They think it is of the devil! Oh yeah, right. Well is it I asked her? She said I really don't know, but it works. It can help you if you use it right. How is that? She said, you have a pure heart so you decide. Wise lady.
So I took it home and after everyone else was in bed I opened the book and started reading what my planets in signs meant, what the aspects meant, etc. more than a little bit was right on target, but there was a lot that I disagreed with. I have a huge Ego problem. Huh ME? Are you serious? I have no ego. You have this fear and that. Again Huh ME? I'm not afraid of anything....and on and on. So I was sure that there wasn't anything there for me. But it kept nagging me. Do I have an ego problem? Guess what? Yep and I still do..but not as bad as before. I'm afraid of this and that? Guess again yep! Luckily I have worked through most of those . The value that I found definitely shined some light on the veil but didn't pierce it. I studied and still study. I don't practice and now I have a nice very expensive program that does calculations, interpretations and much more. I also have an impressive library of books, some rare and obscure on the subject. I found that the only use I had was to help me take a more objective look at myself and to work on the issues that it helps identify. Yep it works, but not as people suspect. Is it of the devil? Nope. Why does he try so hard to keep the real knowledge from us if it can't help us. No brainer.
But! Oh my! My mom found out that I was studying devil subjects and went into hysteric mode. By this time she thought Jim and Tammy was God's own representatives on earth! I told her..Mom I prayed and God knows that my intentions are pure and He will protect me. She calmed down but not much. Day after day she would call...turn on Jim and Tammy! Wonderful things are happening! I tried it once and actually got sick at my stomach! Had to turn it off! I so informed Mom but she didn't relent until I went back to work. By then she had dad snagged too. Unbelievable! They were one of the partners in that epic fail. They never got mad at him and never felt that they were cheated! Whatever...
A friend who knew I was "into" astrology called and asked me to find out if she was pregnant. I wasn't too sure of my skills but agreed to try. I got her birth data and the data from the time she said she would have conceived which had only been a few days. It took hours of work but I finally had her chart ant the time of possible conception chart done and then I tried to read it. Yes she was pregnant. It was a boy. But her birth chart with Uranus on the cusp of the fifth house indicated that her first child would die under mysterious circumstances ( Llewelyn A -Z astrology ). The charts also indicated problems with the law or authorities in the near future. What the hay? Tell her this stuff ? Not hardly! I didn't get back to her and hoped that it would not come up . It didn't . I wasn't convinced by any means at that time but..... The baby died in her womb in the ninth month because the cord wrapped around his neck. It was a boy. By then, her husband had been arrested for dealing drugs. Idiot flew to Florida and bought a lot of marijuana from DEA agents. All that scared the hell out of me and I never again dabbled in the horary part of astrology.
I tried the ouija board, but only got what I guess now was a "dead dude" . The voice told me to leave that alone. That I wasn't ready for that. I left it alone. Tried the Tarot cards but I had not grasped ,at that time, archetypes. It just confused me .I read the Bible from cover to cover three times. Read the Quran. Tried to read the Indian gods story, but couldn't get in to it. I was scared of meditation, never realizing that I did it all the time without knowing that is what it was. I often wondered why I would zone out and come back with answers to things. Especially in the bathtub. I would come back and the water would be ice cold! (I took HOT baths) still do.
In the meantime, what to teach the kids? Time was running out and mom and dad was pressuring me to get them into church! During my readings of the Bible I was impressed with the wisdom of the Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. And some of the Psalms. So I decided to let mom and dad take them to church on Sunday mornings. They bought a van for the sole purpose of transporting their grandchildren to church . They made an event of it every Sunday taking them either to breakfast or dinner depending on when they got up. At that time my elder brother was not in church either so it was his two and my two. My younger brothers son was still too young. I was still confused and searching. Then my children started begging me to come to church. By that time I felt a close spiritual connection to God (whoever that was) from prayer and study, so I decided to try it. It was a local church full of love ,or so it seemed. I soon found out that questions were not welcome from women. Ask your husband I was told! What? He will not even set foot in here! Then just listen to our sermons, teach classes, and visit in the neighborhood and get other lost souls in here. Well, ok, I guess. I quickly lost my connection and was soon adrift as I found myself playing the church game.
About this time I went back to work and my searching was put on hold in the interest of putting food on the table. I went to work. I went to church. I paid my tithes, before taxes of course. I got promoted to dept. head at work and soon I was on the totally stressed out lane. God help me, I thought working people were grown adults! It felt like I was a babysitter! They were always quibbling about the most stupid things! I was getting stressed and soon I lost my ability to fall asleep at night.
So off to the doctor right? Sleeping pills! Yes! I would fall asleep and sleep like a baby all night yes!! And when the doctors would say no more, my ex would helpfully get them for me off the street. In the interest of me getting a good nights sleep, of course. The result of that led to the most tragic part of my life.
This is where it really gets ugly.
After church one Sunday morning, I decided to lay down awhile . My daughter came into my room and said "Mom, I really need to talk to you" I sat up and said ok. That is when she told me that her father had been sexually abusing her since the age of twelve. She was sixteen at the time. My son, who was fourteen, then came in and told me that he had witnessed it happening. I was absolutely horrified! I knew that she was telling the truth even before my son confirmed it because she absolutely adored her father so much. And then to find out that he too was exposed to this was more than I could bear. She was scared and said that she wanted only for it to stop. I was thinking, oh hell yeah it's going to stop, because he is about to go to his grave. I calmly told her to go about her regular activities and that I would not confront him until after they went to church that night. I would stay at home and deal with this. So she left and I shut the door and removed the .38 special from the hiding place and loaded it. And waited. I was in AGONY. So I decided to pray. The voice came and said ..unload the gun and hide ALL of the ammunition for it and the shotgun. Puzzled, I did this. I asked my ex to take them to church that night because I didn't feel well. When he got back I was on him as soon as he walked in the door. He, of course, denied it. I told him that there was not anyway that he could convince me that she was not telling the truth. That there was no way, no way, that she would lie about that as much as she adored him.. That is when he went for the gun. He was extremely upset that the gun wasn't loaded, or that he couldn't find the ammo. Stupid me...I thought he was going to suicide. I told him that he wasn't getting out that easy..that he had to help me put them through college. In retrospect I realized that he wasn't going to suicide..he was going to kill me! The voice! At that time only spoke when I was in danger. But I digress. After church and the children were home she came in and begged me not to have him arrested. I only want it to stop she said. I couldn't endure all my friends knowing this. She was drum major, NHS and other social activities at school and extremely popular. I told her that I would check into it and see what had to be done..of course I sent him packing that night.
Next day I called my older brother and told him everything. He told me to sit tight and he would contact a lawyer. He called back after a couple of hours. It is not good news he said. If she wants to keep this quiet, she can't tell anyone. No doctor, preacher, counselor or anyone. By law the only people who do not have to report this is her, you and your lawyer. He told me that even he would be breaking the law by not reporting it, but that he would, of course, abide by her wishes.
After school that day, I informed her of the law. She begged me not to have him arrested. I'm thinking, God almighty, I want to kill him and you say no to even arresting him!?! But she is sixteen and I was sixteen when she was born, so I decided to honor her wishes. She never even blinked after that, but it nearly destroyed me. I haven't had a good nights sleep since. I had a breakdown a few years later. By then my daughter was of age so I could tell my doctors what was bothering me. I was diagnosed with PTSD, extreme anxiety disorder, clinical depression, chronic insomnia, and my over drinking was self medicating . I was told that the reason I couldn't sleep was because I was asleep while my husband was abusing our daughter and that I felt guilty for not protecting her. Sounds about right.
I was celibate from that time for about seven years. I met someone then and and started a casual relationship. By then both the kids were grown and gone. But my ex took exception to the fact that I was dating someone and started stalking me. Here we go again...after coming home one day and being able to smell him...I knew he had been in my place. I called the law and at that time it was just beginning to be recognized as a problem...stalking that is. They informed me that while they totally believed me, that until he was caught in the act of breaking the law that there was nothing they could do. I asked them what they thought he might do. And this policeman replied to me that unfortunately, a lot of the time it resulted in the death of the person being stalked, unless somehow the obsession was broken This was 1996. I had worked myself up to the top at my job. I had financial security as long as I was there. Now my life was in danger. So my new boyfriend said..maybe we should move far away...what? Leave my job? I had worked long and hard and had endured much and now, finally, I was making great money and could or should have been able to relax. What good is that if you are dead? So that changed the nature of my relationship with my new boyfriend, he felt that he had to protect me.Good argument! I quit my job and left with my friend to New Orleans. He got a job on a tugboat and I had enough money to stay at home. One day while he was on the boat I went to the corner bar that my landlord owned to pick up my mail. Decided to have a drink and was slipped a Rufie . I don't remember much but apparently I had called my mom in a panic saying that I had been raped. She told me to call my ex and I must have because they had recordings. He flew in and threw me and all my stuff in my car and took me to his home. He was happy as a clam. I was out of it for several days, but apparently he had taken me to a hospital after driving ten hours and they confirmed that in their opinion, I had been raped. I really do not know. I remember going to the bar to pick up the mail. I remember the bartender telling me that they now served hurricanes (I had asked for one the first time that I went to that bar but was told that they did not have them). It was a hot Saturday afternoon and I thought...why not? I remember walking out the door and then I was falling...after one drink? That's the last thing I remember clearly until my ex showed up and took over. The apartment was a mess of broken lamps,blood, and hundred dollar bills everywhere. What the hell?
Anyway, after a couple of days I came to and realized that I was in my ex husbands bed. Oh hell no..I went out to the living room. Thought that I was alone. I called my number in New Orleans and my new boyfriend answered . I was trying to get a handle on what had happened. I truly didn't know! He told me that my ex had informed our landlord that he ( my boyfriend)had raped me.what? If indeed I had been raped ,the landlord and his bar was involved. By then I was exhausted and went back to bed. I was awakened by my ex standing at the foot of the bed furious that I had been on the phone with my friend in New Orleans trying to figure out what was happening. How did he know? My son, who still lived with his father had told him. I felt sooo betrayed. So it was on... I demanded that my ex take me back to my apartment there ( it was still in my name,rent paid) . He refused,so I called my brother who came and got me and took me back to my place there.
I settled in to try to recover from whatever had happened. After a day or so, my husbands brother called me. He had always been good to me and would check up on me when my ex's behavior was bad. He was sweet and told me that the purpose of the call was to invite me to dinner that weekend. He knew my favorite foods and promised that they would be served. Then he went quiet...and then he said...Mike has arranged for you to be picked up here. He is telling them that you are a danger to yourself and others. He plans to have you institutionally locked up. He said..I couldn't let that happen without warning you. My heart sunk, but I thanked him and told him not to worry...I would never tell that he warned me..and I haven't until now. They are both dead now so it no longer matters. Again I packed up and took off...this time much more carefully. I didn't use my cards..cash only..and met up with Wolf in New Orleans. Yes that was his avatar, but a completely legit story behind it.
So we met up in New Orleans and left for the West Coast. It was a very enlightening trip for me..we drove through LA and TX, NM,CO, WY,MO.etc....all this open land..hours between towns....overpopulation? What? I am here to tell you that there is so much unpopulated land that it is unreal! Overpopulation is a joke! But it is in the hands of the government! But that is neither here nor there...
So we end up in the Seattle area. He told me that I was the most courageous person that he had ever met. Really? Why am I so scared? He said that it was alright to be scared. What mattered was your response to being scared. So we found a place and settled in...the Muckleshoot reservation in Auburn WA.
I immediately felt like I did not belong there. Mt. Rainer took up my whole windshield even though it was over fifty miles away. But I felt uprooted and out of place. So I flew back after a couple of months....to see if my ex would react. I still had some meds and two cats there so I went by and let myself in to get my meds and pet my cats ...He quickly informed me that he was changing the locks.. OK...good sign. Never ever went back. Flew back...although several high strangeness episodes happened while I was there not related to this narrative .
So waited another couple of months and flew back again..I didn't bother him and he didn't bother me. I consulted with a counselor and given the facts..they felt that it was safe for me to return. But in the meantime, I had lost much credibility amongst our social groups, (church, ie) my mistake was not filing for divorce as soon as it all went down...but I was "nice" didn't want to "hurt" anyone. So in the end I lose. I remember one night praying and crying about all that I had lost.
The voice answered loud and clear this time...you are still alive aren't you... As in the times when Joseph fled with Jesus...you left all behind and lost it...but you have your life! No argument there!
So it is time to come back. I absolutely hated the northwest! I left on Feb 12 1997 to come home. Wolf refused to come so I left on my own. The first night I stopped in Sacremento CA...next was Blythe,CA,then Van Horn TX and Shreveport,LA...AL and then home to upstate SC..So glad to be home...a brief respite and it all starts up again.
Mod's note: Added spaces to ease the reading
