I also review my own thoughts. There are a lot of horrible thoughts that came into my head and it is good that you can observe it ‘from the side’. One of this thought, for example, is that if someone of the cloth to me people would die, and how I would live then, and what benefits I would derive from it. It is horrible thought; I definitely don’t want such things to happen, and don’t want to think about it. I don’t know where it came from. One of the things that I do is observe it and try understand where it coming from. I can’t understand which of these thoughts is truly mine, or they are all mine? But who am I then. And who is this observer, who observes all this thought and actions done by me. But this observer, I can say is partly active.
Another thing is that I have different, so to say, ‘mind moods’ in the different times during the day. I mean I think and want to do a lot of stuff in the evening and planning to do it next day, and when I get up on next day I don’t think that I should do almost all of that, until it is becoming closer to the evening, and I, usually, start again wanting to do it. For example, I want to make some posts on the forum in the evening, than in the morning I don’t want to do so, maybe because they seems to me some sort of ‘stupid’ (I don’t know how correctly express it). The same thing with that what I’ve done in the evening, I see it in other lights in the next morning. It sorts like, I accumulating some ‘energy’ during the day, and I become ‘reprogrammed’ through the night. Does anybody can help to understand why it is so?
I forget to say, that when I change my sleep pattern, I mean I start going to sleep at 10 p.m. and wake up at 6-7 in the morning, it seems that such condition of different ‘mind moods’ start partly disappearing. But also at that time I read a lot on the forum, sott and other info. But it only seems to me so.
Now I’m trying to recover this sleep pattern and I make my room dark enough.
Also, another thing is self-importance and ego stuff, which I can’t ‘kick out’ from my head. It interferes my thinking.
I start changing my diet, I think more than 6 month ago. Step by step, at first I eliminate gluten dairy, than fruits (sugars), than carbs. Now I’m trying not to eat more than 20gr of carbs per day, eat a lot of fat.
EE I didn’t finish doing even 1 time fully. I reached the meditation moment, I start felling cold and my mind, I can say, was becoming clear. There weren’t a lot of thoughts in my mind; it was sort like in the ‘calm mode’ of the mind. I want to do it on the instant base, I hope I‘ll do it, but I can’t say I will do it in some period of time. Because, when I usually say that I will do something during some period of time, it is become hard for me to finish it in time that I said I would finish, because of inner and outer ‘problems’(I don’t know how to name it). I can always find ‘because of..’, however I know that I can find time for it and do it.
