Networking/Asking for Help

[rylek]

Hello everyone,

Things are starting to settle down again, after difficult Christmas travels and university exams which finished last week and only now am I getting back to some "routine" life which leaves me time and energy to focus on the forum and start writing again. Also since start of February I've been doing EE everyday, pipe breathing in the morning and the whole routine at night. I've been doing EE since end of November (will add my comments on the EE thread soon) but there were disruptions and only during Christmas have I started properly, with more disruption over exams, now hoping to stick to it for good.

But anyway as I wrote in Reintroduction I am trying to properly participate on the forum, which has not happened, there is still some kind of a block (as well as life distractions interfering). One thought I had about this situation is that it's part of this we think we can do even though we can't. I thought that talking about what's on my mind regarding this topic and getting feedback from the group might help me.

My thinking is going along the lines that I have to continue with small, basic steps, starting from the beginning. This particular post would then be continuation of my Reintroduction post when I am attempting to be here not as someone I project myself to be but trying to build the objective me, and that brings me back to the need, since there's not much to build on, to start from the beginning.

One thing that causes problems is that when discussing "deeper stuff" in person I am usually in the position of being the one introducing the basics of concepts and ideas (be it nutrition, history, politics, psychopathy etc.) and then not really getting chance to build on that, to further think about and explore these ideas in depth. It's the passive side of being behind monitor where these thoughts are explored by someone else and I am not participating in that, I wasn't part of the start, just consume. So when I read the forum a similar state of mind is the norm, I read what's written but then it's a problem to get involved..

In everyday life, I'm very careful with making friends and who to trust takes long to make friends or very careful about whose company I will share. Then when trying to form a bond with an actual group it's made harder since in real life it's already limited and again trying to break that pattern, of trying to be part of a community and to feel like part of it.

One of my personality traits is that I have a tendency to make everything seem more complicated than it might actually be, so this forum participation issue might be part of that. I think I've got over the point of trying to be make a "proper post", now it's more about practicing external consideration but then don't want to fall into a trap of again being too careful.

I'm asking for help to aid me to network and to start participating. Not do the job for me, just get views of others what they think etc. One thing I I thought of is about just sitting down and starting to write, have a regular routines (like with EE now) say spend an hour commenting in the Forum. But then I think it shouldn't be forced, why do I have to have a routine and not just let things flow. But letting things flow until now hasn't worked.

I'll deliberately keep this short to make sure this post is finished and see where things go:)

 

[truth seeker]

Well this is a great start! I think you may be onto something regarding committing for an hour. While it's true that you shouldn't force a post, I do think there is something to beginning to practice so that it the behavior becomes habitual. Not in the sense of it becoming an addiction, but rather a sort of flexing the muscle. Like Laura says, "Faking it until you make it."

How do you feel about posting encouragements on the "simpler" posts? That would certainly be a good way to begin.

 

[Buddy]

Hi rylek. In addition to what truth seeker mentioned, I was curious if you've read the Big 5 Psychology books and the Wave? If so, you could always ask questions about any of that to see if your understanding is on track.

Just start at the roots and grow from there. Since interacting with people is a big part of life you need to know about dissasociation, narcissism and psychopathy.

It would be good to self-observe and connecting this knowledge to your own life experiences so that you know your habits and tendencies well enough to begin re-wiring more positive behaviors. You'll also be able to find little ways to prevent energy drains due to emotional manipulations. Let us know how all that is going - your successes and slips (the swamp is good for ranting about that).

Looks like you got a good start to me! :)

 

[Ollie]

Hi rylek

A good post, and good advice following it up. Remember, all you have to do is KISS ('keep it simple stupid'). Just go for it, no matter how small or insignificant, just post it.

To learn and see you have to interact.

People are friendly here and accepting, you may like to really take the plunge and post whatever you want to post, and whatever you think about it, just post it, or not. Have fun in the process and learn from the experience - you might even like it and overcome some programming.

Note also, that many of us started on the forum in a similar situation to you, and look what happens! :)

 

[Alana]

People are friendly here and accepting, you may like to really take the plunge and post whatever you want to post, and whatever you think about it, just post it, or not. Have fun in the process and learn from the experience - you might even like it and overcome some programming.

I have the feeling that you will like it in the end :)

All of us i think started out with our programs in the way of allowing full participation and interaction here on the forum. But it's like learning to swim in the sea in a way:

at first, you dip your toes in the water to check the temperature. Then, once you become comfortable with it, you put both feet in. Progressively, you walk in the shallow parts of the sea and when feeling ready, and are deep enough as not to "injure" yourself when you do it (having read enough so as to understand the basics of what this forum is about ;) ) you dive in full body! I've seen people become avid swimmers over the years, showing skill and strength even when facing big waves (which can be gracefully facing a mirror given them, or dealing with pathologicals who come here with agendas). And there are so many lifeguards around this sea! It's perfectly safe to explore and learn here.

Rylek, i hope it helps you to know that you are not alone in this, and i will suggest that you read this thread, if you haven't already: Boardlurker? Read this!! . I personally find the discussions there very inspiring!

And i am borrowing Olivier's signature here as well, for it makes a very good point:

The question you didn't ask was not stupid.
It's just you missed an opportunity to learn.

See you around!

 

[rylek]

Thanks for the encouragement and suggestions!

Well this is a great start! I think you may be onto something regarding committing for an hour. While it's true that you shouldn't force a post, I do think there is something to beginning to practice so that it the behavior becomes habitual. Not in the sense of it becoming an addiction, but rather a sort of flexing the muscle. Like Laura says, "Faking it until you make it."

How do you feel about posting encouragements on the "simpler" posts? That would certainly be a good way to begin.

As I tend to be a procrastinator as opposed to spending an hour on the Forum every day I've given myself a goal to post three posts daily, to, as truth seeker suggested, to both flex my posting muscle, and maybe to "fake it until I make it" (although hope there won't bee too much faking involved

As far as simple posts go, that was my strategy in the beginning after joining, to work my way up to the more "serious stuff", not to jump straight in with the "big boys". But the problem with that was I was too careful, and as I progressed through Laura's work and reading much of the forum realizing more and more how little I knew, I'd used external consideration as an excuse to not post, as I kept saying to myself that I don't have anything but noise to contribute, which lead to falling out of the habit to post altogether. I slipped into just being passive.

Also during my absence I have had a very difficult period from summer of 2008 to summer 2009, moved every couple of months, job insecurity, then deciding to go back
to studying, so since pretty much summer 09 I'm just starting to settle back into some sort of "normalcy" (meaning room and time to devote to other things apart from bare survival) I had back in say 2007.

Another "distraction" is University, it's quite energy draining balancing between that with the rest of my life. The reason for deciding to continue was strictly pragmatic, so not much enthusiasm there.

... I was curious if you've read the Big 5 Psychology books and the Wave? If so, you could always ask questions about any of that to see if your understanding is on track.

Just start at the roots and grow from there. Since interacting with people is a big part of life you need to know about dissasociation, narcissism and psychopathy.

I've read the Wave and Adventures, that was the first thing after coming across Laura's work. I then got the book version as well and have been re-reading it since (currently stuck on the blue volume). Good point to take that as a launch pad!

As for the Big five, started reading The Myth of Sanity but haven't finished it. I did get through most of Mask of Sanity, then started with Ponerology but roughly half-way through had to stop as I didn't have the base knowledge to understand everything. This was about 3 years back. Otherwise Snakes in Suits also and in Sheep's Clothing is on my bookshelf waiting to be read.

It would be good to self-observe and connecting this knowledge to your own life experiences so that you know your habits and tendencies well enough to begin re-wiring more positive behaviors. You'll also be able to find little ways to prevent energy drains due to emotional manipulations. Let us know how all that is going - your successes and slips (the swamp is good for ranting about that).

Looks like you got a good start to me! :)

Thanks for the Swamp suggestion. I've been self-observing for a number of years now, or at least I think I have, but then that will be one of the issues that others will have to comment on whether or not that has been the case.
Overall I believe I grasp the basics for the concepts discussed here, it's to go deeper and discuss it.

Hi rylek

A good post, and good advice following it up. Remember, all you have to do is KISS ('keep it simple stupid'). Just go for it, no matter how small or insignificant, just post it.

To learn and see you have to interact.

People are friendly here and accepting, you may like to really take the plunge and post whatever you want to post, and whatever you think about it, just post it, or not. Have fun in the process and learn from the experience - you might even like it and overcome some programming.

Note also, that many of us started on the forum in a similar situation to you, and look what happens! :)

Ok will keep it simple!

 

[Ollie]

As I tend to be a procrastinator as opposed to spending an hour on the Forum every day I've given myself a goal to post three posts daily, to, as truth seeker suggested, to both flex my posting muscle, and maybe to "fake it until I make it" (although hope there won't bee too much faking involved

I can confirm that that is a great way to start - I did that too - a goal of three a day: it works too! :D

 

[rylek]

People are friendly here and accepting, you may like to really take the plunge and post whatever you want to post, and whatever you think about it, just post it, or not. Have fun in the process and learn from the experience - you might even like it and overcome some programming.

I have the feeling that you will like it in the end :)

All of us i think started out with our programs in the way of allowing full participation and interaction here on the forum. But it's like learning to swim in the sea in a way:

at first, you dip your toes in the water to check the temperature. Then, once you become comfortable with it, you put both feet in. Progressively, you walk in the shallow parts of the sea and when feeling ready, and are deep enough as not to "injure" yourself when you do it (having read enough so as to understand the basics of what this forum is about ;) ) you dive in full body! I've seen people become avid swimmers over the years, showing skill and strength even when facing big waves (which can be gracefully facing a mirror given them, or dealing with pathologicals who come here with agendas). And there are so many lifeguards around this sea! It's perfectly safe to explore and learn here.

Rylek, i hope it helps you to know that you are not alone in this, and i will suggest that you read this thread, if you haven't already: Boardlurker? Read this!! . I personally find the discussions there very inspiring!

And i am borrowing Olivier's signature here as well, for it makes a very good point:

The question you didn't ask was not stupid.
It's just you missed an opportunity to learn.

See you around!

I like the sea metaphor :) It is quite a battle against our programs, but baby steps should eventually lead to achieve a lasting change in our behavior. Also on some days it's easier to keep the Predator's mind away, or minimize it; on others it seems like a futile fight.

Bieng aware that others want to help and see to it that others develop, providing a mirror. And as you point out it's about not missing the opportunity to learn. Fortunately I have a very strong inner voice that doesn't leave me alone if I go astray, case in point participating in the Forum. Until I get it right and am heading in the right direction the voice won't stop:)

 

[rylek]

As I tend to be a procrastinator as opposed to spending an hour on the Forum every day I've given myself a goal to post three posts daily, to, as truth seeker suggested, to both flex my posting muscle, and maybe to "fake it until I make it" (although hope there won't bee too much faking involved

I can confirm that that is a great way to start - I did that too - a goal of three a day: it works too! :D

So far so good!